You May See the Doctor Now
by chocgirl
Summary: AU - Piper has taken up her medical residency at Litchfield General Hospital, where she is paired with the tall and mysterious senior doctor, Alex.
1. A not so fresh start

_1\. A not so fresh start._

* * *

_Stifling. Suffocating. Smothering_

Three words that perfectly encapsulated Piper's subway journey from _hell. _

_Never again._

An understandable sentiment, considering she had been pinned against the underarm of a man with questionable hygiene practices; for the past half hour.

After several failed attempts at holding her breath in the hope of blocking the malodorous whiffs emitting from said underarm; the automated voice announced their arrival at her desired stop. Gasping like a fish fresh out of water, Piper gratefully stepped off the carriage and hurriedly joined the crowds of commuters all vying their way to the exits. Throngs of thirty-something year old professionals hurried up the stairs, en masse.

It was a mad rush of jostling bodies, shoving elbows and flying satchels.

Piper glanced at her watch; it was 07:43. She swore under her breath, at this rate she was going to be unfashionably late. She increased her pace and soon enough exited the subway; blissfully reaching open air.

She took a moment to gather her herself together. Violated, she felt like she had just escaped a war zone. She still wasn't used to the fast-paced life of New York. It was a wholly different world compared to the sheltered suburbia she hailed from.

It was a typical dreary Monday morning in downtown New York. The air crisp. The sun bright. The frigidness numbed her even through the layers of her freshly ironed pant suit and blouse. The wind was blowing harshly making her eyes water. She sought warmth from the coffee she was carrying and gulped it down. It did little to warm her up, it had already grown lukewarm not to mention it tasted downright disgusting.

Reverting her attention to her imminent lateness. She hurried her pace even further, which proved to be quite a feat, as she was cursed with wearing six inch heels.

_Just her luck._

She could not be late. Not on her first day. Although the air was cold to the point it almost hurt to inhale, perspiration covered her forehead and she could already feel cold sweat dripping down her back.

_Oh god!_ The very last thing she needed now, was to be an out-of-breath, sweating pig in front of the hospital personnel. First impressions matter. You had to maintain a certain front when in contact with people. At least that's what her mother always told her.

She slowed down her pace in the hope of cooling down, rounded a corner and ahead loomed the building that she would be spending for much of the forthcoming months at. The imposing façade of Litchfield General Hospital extended well above the rest of the New York buildings that stood meekly beside it. The old red brickwork gave it an air of superiority and prestige. Piper knew that this was one of the best teaching hospitals in the state of New York, a hospital known for its cutting edge research and quality patient care. She hesitantly stepped inside.

This is it.

She put her chin up, straightened her shoulders and strode towards the reception desk.

"Hello, good morning." She voiced.

The woman behind the plexi-glass looked up. Her face expressing a why-the-hell-did-you-distract-me-face.

Piper stuttered, "I am here to see Mr. Michael…" She had forgotten the name, she quickly fumbled in her handbag for her phone, hastily scrolling through her reminder notes, spotted the name and looked back up, "Michael Fitzgerald?"

"You mean _Dr _Fitzgerald?" The woman acidly said, eyeing Piper above her glasses.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Yes."

"His office is on the fifth floor, take the lift, turn left, you'll see a long corridor and then turn right." The woman stated curtly.

_Someone fell from the wrong side of her bed today. _

"Thank you."

But the woman was already beckoning for the next person behind her in the queue. Piper arrived at the elevator and was about to press the button when she spotted an out of order sign. She sighed dejectedly. This day was going ever so great. Resigned she took the stairs. She looked at her watch, 07:54. Her heart skipped a beat.

_Shit, shit, shit. _She practically sprinted up the stairs, by the fifth floor she was so out of breath that she had to take a minute to get her breathing in order. She made a mental note to stop spending her evenings in front of the couch watching _Dexter _whilst munching through a tub of ice-cream but instead justify the $50 a month she spent on a gym membership she hardly ever used.

She hurried along the corridor, and abruptly stopped when she saw a gold-plated plaque on an oak door in front of her with the doctor's name printed on it. She exhaled and knocked.

A few seconds passed, "Come in!" a gruff voice bellowed.

Piper opened the door and entered, noticing all at once the grey-haired main sat behind an enormous oak desk, situated in an equally vast room which was sparsely decorated with exotic plants and landscape paintings. She waited for his invitation.

"Take a seat." The man gestured to the chairs in front.

"Thank you, sir."

She placed her bag on the floor beside her.

"So, you're our first year resident?" He shuffled some papers on his desk, read a few and looked up, "Piper Chapman?"

"Yes, sir." Piper nodded.

He sat back in his chair, his smile warm.

"Well, it's a pleasure to have you here at this great establishment." He said all the while gesturing with his hands. "Although, you have spoken with my colleagues regarding your employment conditions, just out my own curiosity, tell me a bit about yourself."

Piper nodded politely. She told him how she had graduated from Smith College back in Connecticut and had started her medical programme at a hospital there, but chose to transfer to NYC as there were better opportunities here with regards to career climbing. She was interested in cardiology and emergency medicine and hoped to pursue a career in those fields. She talked about how she lived with her friend Polly in an apartment in downtown NY.

Dr Fitzgerald had been silently listening, nodding at appropriate times.

"So that's me." Piper nervously finished.

"Excellent!" he said in his thunderous voice. He produced a stack of paper held together by paperclips. "You have been emailed your employment contracts, occupational health, salary information and administrative issues. But here's a rota for the next few months, relevant contacts, teaching sessions etc." He handed her the stack. "Oh and that reminds me your supervisor is going to be…" he stopped and pushed his glasses down and read from a printed Excel document. "Ah!"

Piper looked at the man, his face carried an expression of piqued interest whilst silently nodding his head. He looked at Piper with a new found awareness.

"Dr Vause. Is your attending doctor." He paused. "I suggest you go to Dr Vause, so that the attending can show you the ropes during your first few weeks."

Fitzgerald noticed the puzzled look on Piper's face. Why did he have that reaction to seeing that particular doctor's name? Piper uncomfortably shifted in her chair when she noticed that the man was still staring at her - an expectant expression marring his weathered face.

"Where can I find him?"

"Who?"

She looked at him confused. _Was this a trick question of sorts?_

"My attending…"

"Oh!" he belly laughed. "Alex is a _she_."

Piper let out an awkward laugh. Oh _fuck. _A woman boss. Great. From Piper's very limited experience, female bosses only came in a one-size-fits all personality. The bull-dog types who boasted they had more college degrees than a PhD professor and looked down on the likes of her with their upturned noses - as if the smell of shit constantly assaulted their noses, no matter where they went.

God forbid, anyone with less abbreviations after their names were to cross their paths - particularly those of the fairer sex - no uh, by default you'd be the shit on the bottom of their razor-sharp stilettos.

During a particularly silent moment, Piper could still hear her previous attending; Dr Fiona Sharples' clacking heels echoing along the hospital corridors, and like a Pavlovian response, her heart rate would begin thumping against her rib-cage, and her hands would start to sweat like a runner in the heat. _Fucking_ embarrassing it was. Even worse, when her reaction had become the norm rather than the exception.

And anyway who _fucking _wore stilettos to work, much less to a hospital?

Power-hungry bitches with a massive chip on their shoulders, that's who. Mostly the chip was in the form of a stethoscope with their stupid prissy names engraved upon it. Unashamedly, there had been many an occasion where Piper had bitterly wished, Sharples would break those heels and cartwheel across a crowd-filled hall and squarely land at Piper's feet. She wouldn't rule out, wanting to stamp on her, and rearrange that football-helmet shaped haircut the woman had always sported.

Anyway, where was she?

Oh yes. The very frightening prospect of being paired with another, self-absorbed supervisor.

Piper glanced back up, catching the latter part of Fitzgerald's monologue. Thankfully, he remained oblivious to her daydreaming.

"...Alex Vause is one of our best young doctors. I assure you...that you have been placed in great hands." He paused and spoke in a low voice, almost conspiratorial. "Word of warning. She can be a little intense, but don't take it personally."

_Don't take it personally. _A ubiquitous phrase, that had become synonymous with grin and bear any bullshit thrown your way, regardless of whether you're right or wrong. In this particular context, it was code for don't challenge an already, volatile supervisor with a delicate-as-a-flower ego.

Uh oh. Please not again. Sweet Lord, surely lightning did not strike twice in the same damn spot? Piper would be more than happy to have an escaped convict as her senior rather than a probably distantly related, cousin of Sharples, should this Alex be of a similarly asshole-ish character. Good god, Piper was most definitely over-thinking this whole situation. But a situation nonetheless, one that had two distinct possibilities: a harsh reality or over-imaginative hypothetical ramblings.

He smiled and winked at Piper. If the wink was supposed to make Piper feel more at ease, it had the complete opposite effect. A silence came over the room. After what felt like forever, she felt she had to say something. She tentatively broke the thick atmosphere.

"Where can I find _her?_" She asked, emphasising the word 'her'.

Again he glanced at the Excel document, "She's in… surgery. I believe they have just commenced. Just scrub up and introduce yourself to her. You might as well get stuck in immediately."

Piper was surprised, she didn't think that she would start working straight away. She suddenly realised she had left her white coat back at her apartment. She knew she had forgotten something!

"Right, I think that's it!" Fitzgerald declared raucously.

Before Piper could enquire about the whole white coat issue; the director rose to his feet, and prepared to shake her hand. Realising the meeting had effectively come to an end, she stood up and shook his hand. His firm hold a contrast to her hesitant, barely there grasp.

"Welcome to Litchfield General Hospital!"

* * *

The operating room was stuffy. That was the first thing Piper had noticed. And the smell. Her senses were assaulted with the unsavoury combination of surgical disinfectant laced with the odour of fresh innards. She could feel the coffee she had drunk earlier threatening to make a comeback. Serves her right for skipping breakfast. The second thing she noted was the music playing in the background. Who actually listened to music whilst doing surgery?

She had just stepped out of the scrubbing up room and was dressed all out in surgical attire. She was careful not to touch anything. She knew from medical school and her few stints in surgery that if she touched, bumped or rubbed against anything, including her own face – it would mean to start the whole scrubbing up process again. The task would be arduous not to mention embarrassing. And that was something she could not afford to happen on her first hour. Let alone, first day.

There were about five people all dressed in standard OR garb stood around an unconscious patient covered in green surgical drapes, who was in the process of having their breastbone cracked in half.

Piper quickly looked away and instead carefully and slowly walked up to one of the surgeons stood around the operating table taking care not to touch anything.

"Excuse me."

* * *

_AN: Hi everyone, this is my first ever fic, so go easy on me. _

_ I would appreciate the reviews. Should I continue!? :) ( I have a further chapter already written out ) _


	2. Clamp Duty 101

2\. Clamp Duty 101.

* * *

The person turned around, and looked at her in the eye. Piper was taken aback. The eyes staring back at her were a brilliant emerald colour. The rest of the woman's face was hidden by the surgical mask and the black-rimmed glasses she wore. A few stray stands of dark hair escaped from underneath her pastel blue surgical cap. She was struck by how good-looking the woman was despite the limited view permitted to Piper.

Senior doctors she had worked with in her past job tended to fall into three categories. The good; who always seemed to of the "geeky" type, the bad; rude, obnoxious jocks who still held on their high school God complex and the plain ugly who were always the ones gifted with bad bedside manners.

This woman did not belong to any category.

Piper studied her, and took the woman's features in.

She was tall.

Piper considered herself tall but she still had to direct her gaze upwards.

Piper dryly swallowed. The woman's gaze was boring into Piper's eyes with such intensity that Piper self-consciously, put her hands up and was about to touch her face.

"Don't. Touch. Your. Face!"

Piper visibly flinched and at the last second realised the rules of sterility and quickly put her hand down. She felt her face heating up, her eyes looking down. No doubt her face was now flashing crimson, which in turn made her flush even more.

"Who are you?" The woman asked in a tone that was less of a question but more of a statement.

That voice. Piper was barely able to conceal her surprise. It was husky yet smooth. If voices were visual than this woman's would be melted dark chocolate.

"In your own time."

Piper shook her head apologetically. "I'm the new first year resident, I was-"

She was was cut off.

"_You're_ a resident? Are you _fucking _kidding me? Have you not been taught the basic rules on OR etiquette?" She asked incredulously. "I expect better even from my dumb, fresh-faced interns."

"Sorry." Piper was taken aback by the swearing. She did not expect _that. _This woman was breaking every imaginable doctor stereotype known to man, and it was a _very _unsettling experience.

As far as her so-called first impressions went, this was not going particularly well.

"Anyway, who are you again?"

"I'm the first year reside-"

"Do you have a name shorter than that?" the doctor asked.

"Oh," Piper caught the ambiguity in her answer. "Yes, it's, it's uh… Piper Chapman."

"Piper Chapman" the green-eyed woman slowly repeated. She enunciated each syllable with extreme care.

"What brings you here, Piper Chapman?"

"I was just, just looking for a Dr Vause."

"Well you found her" She answered tersely.

Piper gazed at the woman in front of her, looking at the few lines on her face. She couldn't have been much older than her. How the hell was she an attending doctor?

"Oh." Was all Piper could muster. What was wrong with her today? She was barely managing stringing two sentences together.

She was virtually incoherent. Her thoughts were interrupted once again,

"But call me Alex. Only my dear mother calls me "Dr Vause" when she's showing me off to her bingo-night friends. Besides it's much too formal."

The striking woman's eyes crinkled upwards, the only sign betraying that she was smiling underneath the surgical cap. "I don't do formality."

Piper didn't say anything. She wasn't sure whether to be smiling politely or silently acknowledging the rather personal quip. Before she could decide, her thoughts were interrupted for a third time,

"Well come on and join us." The doctor declared whilst beckoning Piper to the operating table.

* * *

Piper was holding the surgical clamp, its sharp edges digging into her hands, causing her hands to feel like they were on fire. Despite the pain she was determined not to let her discomfort show.

They had been in the OR for the past hour. Or maybe two? She had lost track of time. The patient underneath her clamp was a 64 year old man undergoing a double bypass procedure. These types of surgeries could last up to ten hours, not accounting for possible complications that could arise. Piper was functioning on little sleep. The early start coupled with the rushed journey to the hospital was making her feel weary and worn down. The regular beeping from the cardiac monitors nearby took on a tranquil quality which did not help in keeping her awake.

"So what is the artery that we are visualising here, Dr Chapman?" Alex asked.

Lost in her thoughts as well as the focus on the pain made Piper nearly miss the question.

"Sorry?"

"Dr Chapman? Am I boring you?"

"No, I'm s-s-sorry." Piper's cheeks turned scarlet. She really needed to do something about this constant blushing. It was becoming a down-right nuisance.

She struggled to locate the artery, peering hard at what she could only describe as a blood-filled mess. Everything appeared to be varying shades of red and pink. She racked her memory back to those anatomy books she had memorised during her early college years. After an internal battle, she settled on an educated guess "It's the external iliac artery." She answered trying to instill a tone of confidence in her response. She somehow surmised that the tall doctor demanded intelligence and confidence from her juniors.

No answer.

The surgery progressed without any major hitches. She was still desperately grasping the clamp in her hand, she was praying for the wretched surgery to near completion. This was why surgery was not her cup of tea. Give her a good old cardiac arrest or a woman screaming in labour. Anything but surgery.

Her thoughts wandered back to her supervisor, she still tried to figure out the woman. She exuded an air of mystery and charm around her. Piper prided herself in being able to read people's intentions, their personalities and nuances, but here she struggled immensely.

Maybe it's the eyes she told herself. Or the voice.

Or both.

* * *

Alex smiled to herself. She loved fresh faces. The lost puppy expressions was something that all newbies had in common. She ought to conduct a scientific study to validate her observations. She had already thought of the title "The likelihood of "lost puppy face" when entering a new work environment." She lazily wondered what the probability of getting accepted by a respected journal would be.

Probably close to zero.

Shame.

Their loss.

She glanced over at the young woman, her face was scrunched with concentration, she looked like she was practically duelling with the surgical clamp that Alex had instructed for her to hold. Let's see how long she can outlast the infamous "clamp duty" as it was known in surgical circles. Alex liked to put her juniors through their paces using unconventional tests, "clamp duty" being one of them. She had come to understand that was the best way of discerning the minds of the brilliant from the _just _average.

Besides the young blonde woman, looked _positively_ adorable. There was no need to cut it short.

"Hey Tom, this is my new resident." Alex said to her fellow attending, Tom Feldman whilst pointing at Piper.

The attending looked up and glanced at the young doctor still struggling with the clamp. Upon hearing her name Piper nearly dropped the clamp.

"Woah, steady there!" Tom exclaimed.

A sheepish expression crossed Piper's face, her eyes fleetingly making contact with Alex's, before she resumed with her job. But not before Alex threw her a wink, that was supposed to put the young resident at ease but, instead led to a beautiful blush working its way up her neck, colouring her cheeks and contrasting with the brilliant blue of her eyes. Alex found herself taken with the sudden, unexpected desire to see the rest of the blush, find the place where it started and smooth it out with the tips of her fingers. Now it was her turn to be roused out of her thoughts.

Tom looked at Alex and lifted his eyebrow, "Alex, Alex, Alex."

"What?" she replied, conscious of the sudden dryness in her throat, so that now the 'what' came out as a parched yelp.

"You're a bad woman, Vause, but I still love you really" He said humorously whilst looking at Piper.

"Are you hitting on me, Tommy boy?" She chuckled breathily. "Because that is an awfully rubbish attempt to woo me."

The likes of Alex Vause do not need to be courted, they court you." He said matter-of-factly.

"You make me sound like a predator." Alex said in mock indignation.

"But you're a nice predator, a cuddly bespectacled one."

"Don't make me gouge your eyes out, Feldman." She waved her scalpel in the air in front of her.

His gloved hands rose in surrender. "Yes, ma'am."

About an hour into the surgery, Alex could feel her glasses slipping down the bridge of her nose. She sighed. She was hands deep in blood and flesh. This was the problem with glasses and surgery. You can't touch your face, as it would break sterility. She had considered contact lenses but the thought of a foreign object in her eyes with the potential of harbouring an eyeball eating bacteria had all but royally put her off.

She gestured to the new resident beside her who happened to be stood closest to her. She was no longer holding the clamp. Alex had taken pity on her and delegated the task to someone else. She did last it out for a considerable period of time. Alex gave her that. Credit where credit is due.

"Piper Chapman, would you mind pushing my glasses back up for me?" Alex looked at her.

"But I can't touch you." The blonde pointedly cast her stare to her gloves.

_Interesting choice of words..._

"You can take them off now, we're nearly finished here anyway."

Alex watched her remove the gloves, her face a picture of concentration, the young doctor looked up at Alex, unsure of what to do next.

Alex moved closer to the point where they were stood no more than a few inches apart. She stared at the slightly surprised blue eyes, which betrayed that the resident was clearly uncomfortable with the close proximity. She inwardly smiled to herself, grateful for the surgical mask covering the lower half of her face. It was a silent "I dare you" game. And they were both participating in it. Whether one of them wanted to or not. And the reluctant one was not Alex.

_Go on move back, blondie. _

But Piper held her ground, and seemed to shake the air of uneasiness off her and pushed Alex's glasses up with one hand. Her fingers accidentallybrushing against the side of Alex's face.

_This was going to be a mightily interesting next few months. _

"Thank you, Piper Chapman."

"You're welcome, Dr-"She corrected herself. "You're welcome, Alex."

"And yes, the answer was indeed, external iliac artery, well done."

Piper looked up, she had forgotten that she never received acknowledgement to her earlier answer. At the time she had simply thought that the woman must have been one of those doctors that were too arrogant to accept a junior's answer. Especially when they were right.

Alex simply winked and gestured to the scrub nurse, before turning back to the operating table.

"Scissors please!"

* * *

_AN: Thank you everyone for the positive reviews. The feedback makes it all the more enjoyable to write more for you guys. Please let me know of any errors, or if the jargon is too much. More Vauseman still to come!_

_Again thanks for the feedback, and as always please review!_


	3. Buy Me Lunch

3\. Buy Me Lunch.

* * *

The surgery was nearing the end, the only task remaining was to suture the patient back up. Alex glanced at the clock. It was nearly 12:30 PM. As if on cue her stomach rumbled. She had ward rounds starting at 2.30 PM. Finishing just in time for lunch was akin to finding diamonds on a Sunday morning beach stroll.

In other words, exceedingly rare.

_Win._

"Jason," She pointed at the 4th year resident across her, "You suture up. I'm done here."

She peeled off the surgical gown, took her cap and mask off and headed for the OR sinks to wash off.

"Excuse me?"

Alex turned around, facing her new resident, "Piper Chapman, meet me in the hospital cafeteria in 15. We need to get properly acquainted."

Without waiting for an answer she walked off. She had a whole lot of paperwork to do after all. And as they said; time is money.

* * *

The hospital cafeteria was exceptionally busy. Doctors and patients alike filled the tables dotted around the expanse of the large open-spaced room. Piper had been waiting for ten minutes. She scanned the room for the hundredth time thinking she had maybe missed the tall doctor walking into the cafeteria. She caught herself fidgeting with the strap of her bag, she restrained herself all the while admonishing herself for her nervous and jumpy demeanour. Piper was surprised none of the diners present nearby had approached her and asked if she was alright.

She had brought her packed lunch with her and it was now sitting unappreciated on the small round table of where she sat. It was a hastily put together tuna sandwich. It did not look exactly appetising after having been sat in her bag for over six hours.

_Should she start eating? Or would that be rude?_

Did she mean meet her in the dining room before or after Piper had finished her lunch?

In the end she settled to wait, despite the increasingly growing vocal demands of her empty stomach. She sipped on her carton of drink. The cold drink a welcome relief from the stuffy operating room she had spent the entirety of her morning in. To pass time she read over her rota schedule and noticed she was assigned with Alex for pretty much most of her shift patterns.

_Good or bad thing?_

She stuffed the papers back in her bag and checked her phone.

**No new messages**

Well that was depressing. She laughed to herself mirthlessly. She scrolled through her phone and clicked on the CandyCrush app intending on playing it. When she suddenly decided against it. The thought of this Alex walking in on her playing games somehow made her feel uncomfortable, embarrassed even. In the end, she resigned to reading her medical handbook.

_...The current guidelines on COPD advise that reversibility by broncho-dilators or oral steroids are..._

"Hello there."

Although she heard that voice only a handful of times, it was already a formed memory seared into her brain. (_The hippocampus to be exact_) She recognised it immediately. She jerked around and faced her attending. She was both happy and wary to see Alex. She unconsciously looked at her watch for the time - she had been waiting for over twenty-five minutes. Although mere minutes, it had felt more like hours to Piper.

Alex noticed the gesture and apologised, "I'm real sorry, I had a mountain of paperwork to get through." She sat down opposite Piper and smiled. "What they don't tell you during medical school is the infinite amount of administrative bullshit that you have to deal with on a daily basis."

"Thanks for the heads up."

Piper studied the older doctor properly for the first time. She looked even more striking now that her face wasn't hidden by the surgical garb. Her green eyes looked even more radiant as the New York sun shone through the cafeteria's windows and caught her eyes. Piper's gaze dropped to her mouth and she noticed the full lips and easy smile. Piper watched as Alex looked right at her. _Stared right at her. _

"Am I that interesting to look at?"

Piper shook her head, realising her blatant stare-fest had been rumbled. For the love of god, where the fuck were her manners? You don't just _stare _at people - no matter how insanely attractive they appeared. Piper was all too aware of Alex's boring gaze, silently waiting what she had to say for herself, but how could she come up with a decent response, much less logical, when her brain felt like Jell-O? Or more appropriately felt like the mush of tuna currently residing in front of her.

"Is that what you're eating?" Alex asked, her eyes expressing abject absurdity.

Piper followed Alex's gaze and looked down at the pathetic ensemble of bread and tuna in front of her. She looked up, realising she had been kindly let off the hook, but now had to deal with this new development.

"Yeah, I guess..." Her words trailed off._  
_

Alex's eyes found Piper's, "I'll buy you lunch."

"No, really. You don't have to." Piper protested. As if to prove a point she started unwrapping her sandwich, which by now had become so soggy that it threatened to disintegrate in Piper's hands. She struggled to hold it one piece before giving up - realising how futile the action was.

Alex laughed. Her laugh causing Piper's stomach to drop. She could still not get used to that wonderfully sultry voice.

"Come on, it's on me." Alex insisted.

Piper gave in and nodded, she had come under the impression that the woman never took no for an answer. In the end she simply muttered, "I owe you a favour."

"Oh, great. I love favours." Alex quipped. "We'll see about that return in favour."

Piper had no idea what to woman was hinting at, but nevertheless, gingerly nodded.

Alex stood up and turned back, "Any preferences?" Her hand was resting on Piper's shoulders with a gentle pressure. Piper felt a slight tingle caused by the touch. She could feel the warmth of Alex's hand through her blouse.

"Um no, anything's fine." Piper mumbled quietly.

"You haven't got any nut allergies or anything? The last thing I want, is to cause an anaphylactic reaction." She said with a sideways glance.

Piper could not help but smile, "No, I don't. I mean I don't have a nut allergy. If I am than, than I must be like… nut resistant."

"Right...kid." Alex said, a puzzled expression painting her face. "I'll take that as a no, then. I'll be right back." Piper watched her walk away.

_What was that?_

She shook her head at how pathetic that attempt at a witty remark was. She was a doctor for goodness sake! Graduated in the top 5% of her class. She was known as "cool and collected" Piper by her college friends. At this moment it was more accurate to describe her as "hot and flustered" Piper.

_No more lame attempts at wit. Pull yourself together!_

After a short period; Alex returned with a tray of sandwiches, drinks and desserts, she set the tray down and sat down.

"You really, did not have to do that."

"I couldn't let you eat that _fucking _mess_" _she said gesturing at Piper's sandwich.

Piper had yet to meet a doctor who openly used profanity like this dark haired doctor did. Better yet, so laid back. She thought back to what Fitzgerald had said about Alex's intensity. She could understand what he meant, she was…fascinating.

"So what do I need to know about you?" Alex pushed her glasses into her hair and leant forward her elbows resting on the table, her eyes sparkling. She slowly licked her lips.

Piper nearly choked on her drink, she spluttered, violently coughing.

"Something I said?" Alex raised her eyebrow teasingly. Piper's hands felt jittery, unnerved she hastily wiped her mouth. Any chance of it playing it "calm and collected" had flown out of the window. She had tried to salvage what little remained of her dignity.

"What do you want to know?" she said in a controlled tone.

_Was this woman chatting her up? _

A part of her hoped that was the case.

_Slow the __fuck __down, Piper! You're over-analysing this situation a tad too much. _

_Hang on, what was actually going on? _

"What did you think I meant?" Alex said ignoring the blonde's question.

The tiny sliver of dignity that she was holding on had all but slithered away. All she was conscious of was the intense presence of the woman sat before her who was now leaning dangerously close to Piper. She tried not to read into the connotations of the gesture too much.

"I, um…nothing." She slowly chewed on her sandwich (which was a considerable improvement to her sorry lunch)

"What are your aspirations… _medically_ speaking I mean."

Piper relaxed. This was a more familiar conversation territory, that she was much more comfortable with. She proceeded to tell her what she had told Fitzgerald earlier.

"Interesting."

Piper tried to regain control of the conversation, "How are you an attending doctor?"

"What?"

"I mean you don't look that much older than me, yet you're a very senior doctor…" Piper let the question hang.

"Oh" Alex sat back and crossed her arms. "I paid my way to the top." She nodded her head with perfect sincerity. "I mean it cost me an arm and a leg but it was worth the money."

Piper looked at the woman, whose faced feigned seriousness, "You're joking right?"

Alex's serious face turned into a smile, an impish grin betraying amusement.

"Wow. You sure are easy to fool."

"I was just being polite, I was reserving my laughter." Piper retorted.

"Sure you were. No, but in all seriousness, I skipped a few years during high school, I guess that's why."

"Really?" Piper exclaimed in genuine amazement, "You must have been super intelligent, your parents must have been so proud"

Now it was Alex's turn to be momentarily lost for words, she quickly cleared her throat and re-adjusted her glasses with her index finger, pushing them up the bridge of her nose.

"Well, you know how it is." She muttered softly.

For a woman so confident she was being awfully modest, Piper thought to herself.

All of a sudden, Piper had an urge to know everything about this woman. But before she finished entertaining that thought, Alex spoke.

"Anyway, I have to get going, its already past half one. Meet me on ward B10 at 2:30 pm sharp. I shall be doing my rounds then. Don't be late."

And again, the woman stood up, gathered her stuff and walked away. Her white coat billowing behind her.

"Thanks again for the lunch!" Piper called after her.

The tall doctor turned around, and gave a nod of acknowledgment and pushed open the double doors, she suddenly stopped, "And throw that damn sandwich away!" She turned on her heel before disappearing into the crowds of people.

* * *

_AN: Again thanks for the reviews! Apologies for the relatively short chapter, I had a dissertation to submit, so that had to take priority, unfortunately. However, I was still obliged to churn out a chapter in time for the weekend as the feedback has been so wonderful so far! :) i'll probably post another chapter over the weekend, have a few ideas floating around. As always please review, I'm open to all criticism x_


	4. White Coats and Uninvited Guests

_4\. _White Coats &amp; Uninvited Guests.

* * *

_Stethoscope in hand? Check_

_Oxford Handbook of Cardiology? Check_

_Notebook? Check_

_Brain? Check…Maybe?_

The automatic doors flung open and she walked in; ward B10 was a cardiology ward, naturally the patients who inhabited it had various problems related to the heart. Cardiology had been one of Piper's favourite specialities and she hoped to pursue the discipline in her future career. But right now, her big plans had to be put on hold and instead make do with finding where rounds where actually taking place.

It was 2.00 PM. She had come half hour earlier than what was expected of her, just so she could familiarise herself with the dynamics of the ward as well as greet herself to the patients. She strolled past the nurses' station, politely nodded to a few medical students who were eagerly gathered around a patient, no doubt word had spread about a rare sign that the patient exhibited, and judging from the noticeably worn-out expression across the patient's face, Piper half suspected she was right.

After fifteen minutes or so she decided to wait in the doctor's room for the remainder of the time.

She pushed open the door and was about to sit down, when someone shouted, "Hey!"

Piper looked up and noticed a woman about her age sat on one of the tables in the room, wearing a white coat, possessing what Piper could only describe as bird's nest hair. The thick brown tresses appeared to govern their own style, which was no particular style at all. The woman's face was partially hidden from view.

_Hello! Infection control, anyone? _

Piper looked over her shoulder, thinking the woman was talking to someone behind her, but there was no one there.

"Yes you blondie, I'm talking to you!" the wild-haired woman said whilst pointing a finger at Piper. She nudged a dark-haired man who was sat next to her, as if to say, what was wrong with this girl?

"Oh sorry, hello."

"Are you lost?" the woman asked.

"Lost?" Piper was confused. "No, I'm here for the 2.30 PM rounds with Dr Vause…"

"Oh you're not a patient?"

"No uh"

"Where's this piece of kit then?" The woman asked, whilst pulling the fabric of her white coat.

_Shit_

_Double shit_

_Triple shit_

_White coat? Not __Check _

"You the newbie?"

"Yeah." Piper nodded, still worked up about forgetting her white coat. What kind of doctor leaves their white coat behind? It's akin to a police-man forgetting his uniform and instead turning up in slacks and loafers.

Yes, those things did not happen, but Piper had come to accept she was forever blighted with problems that other people were not privy to.

The wild-haired woman jumped off the desk and approached Piper, "I'm Nicky." She pointed over her shoulder at the dark-haired man who had not uttered a single word since Piper had come in, "and this is Larry."

"Piper Chapman. You guys going on rounds too?" Piper asked, finding a seat and sitting down. The room was horrendously small, the only furniture was the desk on which Nicky and Larry sat on and a few chairs scattered haphazardly around the small window-less space.

"Yeah." Larry replied.

Piper's heart sank. Dismayed, she had naively thought it would have been just Alex and her. She had been day-dreaming all day along. Her daydreams had exclusively featured a certain dark-haired individual. She had been re-playing their lunch "_date"; _as she called it, in her head over and over. The small flirtatious remarks dropped ever so subtly during the course of their conversation. The palpable tension. The voracious…-

_Except that wasn't exactly true?_ Piper thought.

She'd was always the romanticist.

When she was younger her mother had once jokingly told Piper; only she could romanticise an encounter between a drunkard and their one-night-stand. At the time she did not understand the subtext but growing up she had realised how true that sentiment was, although it was questionable how appropriate it was to tell a then seven-year old Piper this kind of information.

_Oh mother, you were always the eccentric_

She suddenly felt jittery and ever-so-slightly off kilter, she fidgeted nervously with her blouse buttons.

She politely tried to make small talk; "How is Alex on rounds then?"

"Alex?" Nicky said surprised. She looked at Larry who appeared equally surprised.

"Isn't that her name?"

"No, _these_ are; Vause. Dr Vause. Evil-dragon-lady. Stuck-up-her-own-ass-Vause. Sexy-glasses Vause. You get the sentiment. But not _Alex."_

"Oh" Piper thought back to when Alex insisted on calling her by her first name. Had she missed something here?

"That means only one of two things," Nicky continued, "you're either sleeping with her or you're sleeping with her."

"That's not true!" Piper retorted a little too fast and too defensively.

Nicky shrugged her shoulders, "I'm only saying what I see." Her hands moved up in a placating gesture.

"Yeah well, it's not true."

Her protests fell on deaf ears. She secretly smiled to herself.

_There were worser things she could be accused of. _

"Here you go!"

Suddenly a white piece of clothing landed squarely in Piper's lap, she picked it up and realised it was a white coat.

"They always have some lying around in here," Larry said, "You're lucky."

Piper turned the coat over and glanced at the name stitched on the left breast-pocket:

**Dr Hugh Soderbergh**

"I can't wear this!" Piper blurted out incensed, "Plus it's like a million sizes too big for me."

"If I was you, I'd put it on," Nicky said in a low whisper. "The 'SS' is known to unleash a torrent of wrath on her juniors, sometimes for no reason at all. Don't give her a reason, is all I gotta say, blondie"

"Oh I didn't mention that one?" Nicky smirked, "She's the Nazi and we are all her underlings."

Her eyes widened in surprise, she could not for the life of her, imagine Alex in such a position. Nevertheless, she did not want to test it out today, and reluctantly put the white coat on.

Larry sniggered. Nicky snorted with laughter.

"I'm so sorry." Nicky spluttered barely able to contain her amusement. "Unless you can find one in your size down at the mortuary?'

"Ergh, no thanks."

All you need now is a pointy white mask and you could blend right into a Ku Klux Klan march. No one would bat an eyelid" She quipped.

"Thanks for pointing out that disturbing comparison." Piper muttered miserably. She was grateful that there were no mirrors nearby or anything that had the capacity to bear a reflection, for that matter. At least she was spared the embarrassment of seeing her no doubt tragic reflection.

"She looks like a ghost." Larry said, still laughing.

"Shut up, Larry, that was so funny, I forgot to laugh." Nicky sarcastically countered. The young man was about to say something, but thought against it and instead resigned to reading over his notes.

Piper stuffed her stethoscope, notebook and handbook in the coat's over-sized pockets and sat down and wondered about how the ward round would go. She hoped it wasn't one of those that lasted well into the evening, her feet had already begun aching and she couldn't wait to change into her pyjamas and snuggle into the sofa, a glass of red, in hand. Before she could entertain that thought any further, she was pulled out of her reverie by a voice resonating from the doorway.

"Let's roll, kids!"

Before she even had time to swivel around, the raven-haired doctor had all but disappeared, Nicky and Larry quickly jumped off the desk and followed Alex out. Piper jumped out of her seat and hurriedly walked behind them.

* * *

Alex glanced at her phone; she received a message from her colleague, Tom Feldman.

**"Mitral valve replacement procedure, delayed until further notice."**

She swore under her breath, sometimes she thought she was single-handedly running this hospital. The amount of bureaucratic bullshit that she had to deal with in order to get a job such as a simple routine operative procedure done, was staggering. No doubt it was delayed because some dumb fuck had forgotten to stock up on the anaesthesia or forgot to keep the patient nil by mouth. She was determined not to let the text ruin her mood.

She approached the first patient on her rounds;

"Mrs Baker! How are you doing on this fine afternoon?"

She waited for her residents to step into the room and closed the door behind them.

"My favourite doctor!" Mrs Baker exclaimed happily.

"Oh now don't make me blush." Alex playfully remarked.

Alex turned around to face her residents, "This is Mrs Baker who came in with a collapse due to atrial fibrillation, but she was given medication and it is now under control."

"Can anyone tell me what atrial fibrillation is?"

Larry looked down, unable to make eye contact, Nicky pretended to tie her shoelaces, which left Piper who had the grace to look Alex in the eye.

Alex instantly noticed the choice of white coat, the blonde doctor was wearing, it practically engulfed Piper's petite frame. Alex looked away and supressed a laugh. She looked ridiculously cute. She squinted her eyes and read the embroidered name on the breast-pocket, her eyes momentarily lingering on Piper's exposed neck before looking up to her face.

"Dr _Soderbergh,_ could you tell us?" Alex asked, winking at Piper.

Piper took a deep breath and in a heartbeat (_pun intended) _reeled of her answer

"It's an irregular beating of the heart, which can cause symptoms such as collapse, palpitations and light-headedness. It is caused a by a range of conditions, most commonly old age and ischaemic heart disease"

Alex was lost for words, she didn't think the young doctor would actually be able to answer the question let alone give causes. She was very impressed.

"That… was… excellent."

_1, 2, 3, There. _

And just on cue, the blonde's cheeks reddened.

The rest of rounds continued, towards the end, Alex asked everyone to go review a patient and present the findings back to her.

_That should keep them busy for the next half hour or so_

She cast a sideways glance and watched Piper walk to her assigned patient, still looking, even as she turned the corner. The sides of Alex's lips rose into an almost imperceptible grin. She absentmindedly grabbed a nearby patient chart and skimmed over the details, still smiling to herself.

* * *

…"So Miss Madison, you've told me how you got here in hospital and we've gone over your medical history, would you mind, if I had a quick listen to your heart, now?"

Twenty-three year old Sarah Madison, nodded her head. Piper gently pushed down Sarah's hospital issue gown to place her stethoscope on the woman's chest.

She was about to push the ear pieces into her ear, when the door was slammed open, smashing heavily against the adjoining wall.

Piper froze. Her heart skipped a beat.

"What the hell are you doing?" an irate male voice roared.

With lightening speed a heavily built man launched himself at Piper, colliding with her with such brute force, she was thrown backwards, landing against the foot of the bed. Before she could comprehend what was happening, a tattooed, muscular arm was wrapped tightly around her neck.

Piper could feel the man's warm breath on her neck. Piper could feel his body pressed against her, as though it were an iron wall at her back.

"Listen you good-for-nothing bitch-"he sneered before being cut off.

"Dad!" Piper's patient Sarah pleaded.

"Shut up, Sarah!"

Piper tried to lunge towards the door, she flailed around for something to grab onto. But tattoo man was too strong, his iron grip a vice around Piper's throat. He threw Piper off-balance.

"No please!" Piper screamed pointlessly. Her pleads went unheard.

"Dad, please stop it!"

"It's okay, honey. She just needs to be t-taught a lesson. Once and for all!"

_Where the hell was security!?_

She felt the blood pooling in her skull, fighting to get out through the veins this deranged man had squeezed shut.

"I…c-c-can't b-breathe" Piper whimpered through agonising breaths, trying to suck what little oxygen she could get.

"Why did you have do it?" he said in a regretful tone.

Piper realised in her oxygen deprived state that this man was probably off his head on drugs and had for whatever reason decided to ruin Piper's day.

She felt herself beginning to weaken as his powerful grip became relentlessly tighter. Her vision blurred, black spots danced around her periphery, her muscles slackened. The only thing holding Piper upright was the crazed man's stronghold on her. A incessant ringing noise shrouded her senses, noises began to drown out, the overhead lamps blended into one brilliant spectre of light. She felt herself floating weightlessly as she welcomed the calm, tranquil darkness...

* * *

_AN: I can only thank everyone so much, before it starts sounding like a broken record haha. But regardless, thanks for the all the follows and reviews. It genuinely makes me super happy. It's currently nearly 3AM where I am, but I felt like I wanted to squeeze another chapter out to put my mind at rest. I marginally, apologise for the cliff-hanger ( muhaha). As always any comments about the direction of the story or anything else for that matter, are much appreciated.! Happy weekend, folks! x_


	5. You Forgot Something!

5\. You Forgot Something!

* * *

"Get the _hell_ off her!"

Piper barely heard the voice cut through the deep black fog she was in. She felt herself being dropped to the floor. She landed on the hard floor, her legs buckling. She mercifully gasped for air, her senses slowly returning. Her brain still felt sluggish. Her head was spinning. A wave of nausea overcame her, threatening to release the contents of her stomach.

She could feel strong hands helping her back to her feet, she stood up and stumbled towards the door, backing away from her assailant, her throat throbbing, as a frenzy of doctors, nurses and security personnel stormed into the room.

The commotion had drawn the attention of nearby patients and relatives. Piper saw them eagerly peering through the doorway, watching a scene that was better than any episode of Grey's Anatomy.

"Are you okay?" It was the same voice that yelled at the unhinged character who had earlier been crushing the life out of her.

Piper felt an arm lightly wrapping around her shoulder, gently guiding her out of the room, she turned around, meeting green eyes.

_Of course_

"What is it?" Alex's eyes were rimmed with sincere concern.

The young blonde flicked her gaze away.

"Thank you. If you hadn't come, I don't, I don't know, what would have happened, I-"

"What the hell happened in there?" Alex questioned, anger injected into her answer, she was still eyeing the crazed man who was now being man-handled by two beefy security guards.

"I don't know, one minute I was chatting to my patient, the next I was flung across the room."

"I should never, have left her alone with..." Piper heard Alex mutter under her breath.

"I think he was high on substances, it could have happened to anyone." Piper pointed out, not wanting Alex to take the blame for what happened.

Ignoring the reassuring from Piper, "Did he hit you?" Her eyes scanning her face, surveying Piper's body for any clues to injury.

"No, thankfully."

Alex gesticulated to the doctors and security to say that young resident was physically fine although shaken up.

"Come on let's take you somewhere more quieter." Alex said softly. Grateful for the suggestion, Piper relaxed her shoulders, not realising she had been tensing her body for the entire time.

They were in Alex's office. Although not as big as Dr Fitzgerald's it was still spacious, nonetheless. It was tastefully fitted with floor to ceiling glass panels and neutral coloured furnishings. The office was situated on the 6th floor, which permitted a breath-taking view of the Manhattan skyline. That was during the day, Piper couldn't imagine how spectacular the view would appear during the night.

Piper was nursing a hot coffee with extra sugar added, she needed the boost after that horror encounter with the drug-fueled relative.

"You feeling better?"

Alex was stood in front of the window, observing the hustle and bustle of city life playing out beneath them. Her hands, inside the pockets of her white coat. She turned around and faced Piper.

"Better than fifteen minutes ago? Most definitely." Piper replied with slight humour.

"I assure you this is a _not _an everyday occurrence."

"Oh, that's good to know, I was just about to hire a bodyguard to follow me around during rounds."

Piper looked up from her coffee, "You know just in case."

Alex cocked her head to one side and chuckled softly.

"Seriously, I'm glad you're still in one piece, that fucker looked he was going to devour you at one point."

Piper shuddered at the memory, she shook it off with difficulty. She unconsciously touched her throat, it still felt tender.

The dark-haired doctor moved from her spot, pushed her desk chair towards Piper and sat beside her. She started to speak,

"Back when I was an intern, I did a stint in the ER for a few months. A big guy in his thirties was admitted with severe shortness of breath and naturally I documented this in his medical notes."

Piper noticed a smile had crept on the woman's face as she recalled the experience. "He was_ the_ patient from hell, mouthing off, threatening us. In a nutshell he was a royal pain in the butt."

Piper watched Alex remove her glasses and absentmindedly clean the lenses with the end of her white coat before pushing them back on to her nose. Piper could not help but notice Alex had nice hands. They looked so soft and lithe.

"Anyway" Alex continued, "Being the over-worked intern that I was, I quickly scribbled in the notes, '_major SOB'_

Piper's eyes widened, "No shit."

Alex laughed out loud, "Oh yes, but here comes the punchline," She swiveled her chair to fully face Piper, their knees practically touching each other. Piper was hyper-aware of the closeness and secretly savoured the moment.

"Pain-in-the-butt happened to read his notes and saw what I wrote there in my haste. It's safe to say that all hell broke loose" She paused for breath, "I tried to explain that _"SOB"_ was a medical abbreviation for _shortness of breath_, and I was definitely not referring to the more inappropriate phrase of _son-of-a-bitch,_ but he was not having it."

Alex continued, "Although _son-of-a-bitch _was a much more accurate description of him, in the end security came and hauled his sorry ass away."

Piper couldn't help but laugh out loud, tears streamed down her face, her stomach hurt from the force of her laughter. Her earlier ordeal already a distant memory, her throbbing neck temporarily forgotten. She could picture Alex, a panicked intern trying to unsuccessfully calm down a fuming pot-bellied loudmouth. The image was a stark contrast to how Alex carried herself in present time or at least how she let others perceive her.

Their laughter slowly dispelled down. A curtain of silence descended over the office. Piper looked out of the window and noticed the sun was setting, casting the room in a warm, orange hue. She watched the spectacular view with an unwavering gaze, as the sphere of orange slowly dipped beneath the horizon, the occasional threads of light remained blending in with the sporadic cloud.

They were still sat face-to-face to one another - neither of them breaking eye contact.

Alex looked away, "Oh gosh is that the time already?"

She pushed her chair back and stood up, "Well, that was a quite a day."

"And then some" Piper muttered, disappointed at the obvious end to their alone time.

"It's already past 5.30 pm and I have a quite an early start tomorrow."

The attending took off her white coat, and slid a hand through her hair. She snatched her coat and scarf from the back of the chair and picked up her car keys, the jingling of the keys pulled Piper out of the transfixed gaze she had been in. Alex walked towards the door, and without looking back opened it and started walking out of the door.

Piper was suddenly alone, she was confused.

_Have I just been abandoned? _

She sighed, slightly angry, more so annoyed.

_She could at least have told me where to meet her tomorrow, or in the very least have said goodbye. You know, like normal people. _

She picked up her bag slowly and pushed herself to her feet, suddenly conscious of the ache in her throat. The thought of having to take the subway ride back to her apartment during evening rush hour, with people pushing and shoving, sent her into an even further state of misery. She slung her bag over her shoulder, she began walking out of the office, switching the light off behind her.

"I thought you were never coming out."

Piper looked up shocked, and saw Alex leaning against the wall, arms crossed over her chest, her lips upturning into a lopsided smirk.

"You left." Piper stumbled over her words.

"In pretty sure I'm stood here right in front of you," she said meeting Piper's still puzzled expression, "Unless you banged your head and you are hallucinating? In that case, let's go to the ER now and have it checked out." She said in mock seriousness.

"Very funny"

"Besides, the least I can do is to give you a lift to your humble abode. We can't have that delicate neck of yours being elbowed unwittingly by a tenacious commuter whilst on the subway.

"Thanks." Piper said gratefully. All earlier hostile feelings she had for Alex had all but dissipated.

_Obviously she wouldn't have left you. Get a grip, Piper!_

"Hang on, how do you know I catch the subway?" Piper asked with a startled expression.

"Come on. No one with a several hundred thousand dollar student loan would in their right minds travel by car, besides this is New York, land of public transport." The raven-haired doctor said, as if it was the most obvious thing ever.

"Your skills of deduction are frighteningly accurate."

"What can I say? It's one of my many talents." I could teach it to you if you'd like." Alex said with a sly grin.

_Ooh er, I say..._

They were walking down the corridor, Alex pressed the lower button for the lift and was patiently waiting for the double doors to slide open.

"I'd love to." Piper responded coyly.

"Oh, and that reminds me," Alex said wagging her index finger at Piper. "That's two favours you owe me, so far. One for lunch and one for practically saving your life."

_That was true. _

"Is there any way I can possibly repay you?" Piper replied, fully aware of the intentional double entendre.

The lift pinged, and the doors slid open, they stepped inside

"I'll have to think about that." Alex said with coquettish smile as she pressed the button for the basement car park.

The doors closed with a resounding thud.

* * *

The car park was silent. It was dark apart from the few overhead lights bathing the area in a ghostly white glow. There were only a few cars remaining in the lot. Alex produced her car keys and disengaged the locks of a nearby dark-coloured car.

Piper noticed the sleek black Lexus as they approached it. "Wow, that _is _a nice car." She marveled, as she brushed her fingers across the polished body of the car in admiration.

"What can i say? I love to travel in style" she winked. "Although, it doesn't help me beat the rush hour traffic. Which is why I bought it initially." Alex said jokingly.

They climbed in, the dark leather interior screamed elegance and prestige. It suited Alex. The whole car smelled good, with an aroma Piper couldn't quite put her finger on, but was pleasant all the same.

* * *

They had left the hospital ground , the car soundlessly gliding through the city streets.

"So where do you live?" Alex broke the silence that had been present for the past few minutes.

"Uh, about twenty minutes from the hospital. The Radford apartment complex."

"Got it."

They climbed the freeway, Piper felt the acceleration push her back into the leather seat. She looked out of the window and watched the city scenery pass them by in a kaleidoscopic blur. Sitting in the passenger seat Piper tried to keep her gaze directly ahead as they drove through the rush-hour traffic. She was finding it near impossible. Unlike Alex's spacious office, the confines of the Lexus were unnervingly intimate. The only thing that separated Piper from Alex was the gear-stick between them. She couldn't resist the temptation to keep glancing at the dark-haired doctor, out of the corner of her eyes. Piper checked her out, taking great care to make sure Alex didn't notice.

_Of course, she noticed. _

"Your stare is mightily distracting." Looking sideways, Alex smiled.

Piper was horrified. Being caught blatantly eyeing her up, she wished she could climb into her handbag right about now, and disappear inside it. She tried to think of a witty comeback but suddenly remembered the embarrassing attempt at a quip she made in the hospital cafeteria. She didn't trust her mouth anymore than if someone handed their savings to a prison inmate. _  
_

"Although it _is _hugely endearing." Alex spoke, slowing down in the traffic and winding the window half-way down.

"I appreciate an attractive face when I see it." Piper blurted out. She cringed as soon as the last word had even left her mouth. Had she really said that? Fuck, she needed a Plan B - one where there was no infatuated silly school girl cliche. But Plan A which was never really planned was taking full ownership of this situation. Where the A stood for Alex. Plan Alex, because for the love of god, how was she meant to get through this residency programme when was she was already completely infatuated with her no nonsense supervisor who happened to have saved her in true wonder woman style? It made things complicated, to say the least.

Thankfully impassive to her erratic thoughts, Alex replied, without looking. "You're not too bad to look at either."

Plan A was making its way in, full with coy glances and floundering remarks, "I'll take that as a compliment I think."

A few seconds passed before Alex suddenly burst out laughing, "I definitely need to improve on my so-called picking up skills."

_Picking up?_

As far as Piper knew, there were no other real alternatives to that particular phrase, not unless it had an archaic meaning she previously didn't know about. Next was the rather work-intensive analysis of whether it was just tongue in cheek or was an extension of the semi-flirting slash banter they had been participating in. She looked to Alex who wasn't giving her anything to work with in way of expressions. Ergh, she was a doctor who had spent most of her life reading people but Alex was a tricky book who may as well have been written in Hindu.

* * *

The car had reached the Radford apartment block. It was pitch black outside. The streetlights barely lighting the surroundings. In the distance, the faint howls of dogs could be heard. The night-sky was clear, the moon illuminating the buildings under a silver light.

"Well, here we are." Alex softly stated.

Piper silently acknowledged the remark. "Thanks a lot for the lift, I really appreciate it."

"Don't sweat it." Alex had turned around to face Piper. Her face silhouetted against the moonlight shining through the car windows.

"Well, I better go." Piper murmured.

"Yeah. Don't let me keep you"

Piper could sense that there was a lot of unsaid words hanging between them. The air felt thick and cloying all of a sudden. She knew it was her cue to leave but something held her back in her seat.

"Do you want to go for a drink after work tomorrow?" Alex asked, expectantly looking at Piper. "If you feel like you need to take a day off tomorrow, that's also totally fine by me."

Alex had layed the conversation wide open and was waiting for Piper to respond. Except now, faced with the opportunity, something was stopping her, preventing her from voicing the obvious answer. Maybe it was because drinks led to far more serious things - at least from her experience. or it was simply she didn't want to ruin the working relationship she had with Alex. After considering her options, she went with what she would have instinctively replied with.

Sensing Piper's indecisiveness, Alex spoke, " I mean, you don't ha-"

"Yes, I'd love to."

"Oh." Okay. Great! I'll see you tomorrow then."

"See you tomorrow." Piper stepped out of the car, the cold air hitting her squarely in the face. She pushed the collar of her jacket up, shielding herself against the harsh, frosty wind. She began walking up the path that led to the entrance of her apartment. She could feel Alex's eyes boring into her back, she willed herself to keep walking.

"Hey!"

Piper turned around, wondering had she forgotten some of her belongings in the car. She had her bag over her shoulder and had taken her scarf with her.

No, she hadn't left anything behind - not as far as she knew.

Piper retraced her steps and approached the open driver window, bending down slightly. Alex had her hand stuck out of the window, holding something in her fist.

"You forgot something!"

"What?" Piper shielded her eyes against the wind with her hand, her brows furrowed in confusion.

"My hands are _fucking _freezing here, you know." Alex gestured for her to get closer, when Piper did - she pushed something into Piper's coat-pocket. Her eyes looking up at the young blonde's; she gave one of her signature winks coupled with a smile.

But didn't say anything further, instead she started the car engine, and began rolling the window back up.

"Have a good night!" She called out as she drove off, leaving Piper stood at the kerb, feeling slightly perplexed.

Piper began slowly walking up the towards the entrance again, fatigue had set deep into her muscles and bones and she couldn't wait to crash onto her double bed and sleep the events of today off. It wasn't until she entered her room and fell onto her bed that she removed whatever Alex placed in her pocket. She rolled onto her front, elbows leaning into the mattress.

It was a piece of paper, she turned it over, and smiled when she realised what it was. Scribbled in black, spidery handwriting was a mobile phone number, with "Alex" written in small capital letters, underneath it.

Piper softly chuckled to herself, the exhaustion and tiredness suddenly forgotten, she fell back onto her bed, facing the ceiling, still staring at the piece of paper.

Still smiling.

_AN: Howdy, folks! Hope you've enjoyed this chapter. Let me take this opportunity to again thank you for the great and endearing reviews. It's currently a grand, sunny day out here and I wrote this whilst lounging in the sun! (a rare occasion for the UK) Oh the things I do for you guys, :) I'm open for all suggestions and/or criticisms, ( yes I do read every single review. ) In the meantime, have a great day! x_


	6. A Rude Interruption

6\. A Rude Interruption.

* * *

Alex woke up with a start, unsure of where she was for a second, she groggily lifted her head off the pillow, looked around, before plopping back onto her pillow. She slowly exhaled and glanced over at the alarm clock which read: 07:13 AM. She had woken up before her alarm which wasn't due to go off in another half hour.

The rays from the early morning sun stubbornly shone through the blinds, immersing her double bedroom in bright hues of yellow and orange.

The apartment was silent.

The only thing cutting through the stillness was the ticking of the overhead clock and the faint humming from the kitchen fridge. The lack of noise was one thing Alex still couldn't get fully accustomed to. Her house in which she had lived in with her mother, prior to going to college, had been one where sound and noise were an incessant presence, not coming from within the house but from the surrounding neighbourhood.

The thin walls doing little to block the shouts and cries from the neighbours who had a fondness for hosting late night parties. Their house had been situated in a particularly rough borough of New York, the estate consisting of nothing but scores of dilapidated houses, neglected lawns, littered with broken toys and the occasional car which had not yet been car-jacked. The inhabitants a morbid reflection of their surroundings, were invariably at two ends of a criminal spectrum; drug addicts or drug dealers. The only remotely positive feature about the place was the road leading out from it. Her upmarket apartment and high-flying career were a stark contrast to Alex's previous life of hardship.

Winning a full scholarship to study at Princeton Medical School she had grabbed the opportunity with open arms. Alex had struggled hard and had overcome considerable obstacles in her drive to become a doctor. And now she was a respected attending consultant at one of the best hospitals in the country. She had come far.

She reluctantly climbed out of bed and sauntered to the kitchen and started up the coffee machine. She sat at the kitchen island, scanning through some paperwork whilst the delectable aroma of coffee slowly filled the air. She quickly glanced at her schedule for today, and noticed the new resident's name amongst the list of junior doctors who were listed as attending her rounds today.

_Piper Chapman_

Her thoughts pondered about her stance on the young blonde. She had noticed the way the blonde gazed at her admirably. Alex told herself it was admiration in a purely professional and platonic capacity but she knew otherwise.

_Who was she kidding? _

The subtle undertones of attraction on Piper's part were hard to ignore. However, she had to admit the feelings were reciprocated on her part. Piper was tall-_ish_, blonde and exceptionally preppy in both character and appearance.

Qualities in women that Alex generally steered well clear off. So what was it about this woman in particular? The easy smile, coupled with an athletically inclined body?

Yes, she had noticed.

No, it went far beyond physicality - their conversations had been easy-going and had been filled with laidback banter, something which she had not experienced in a long time.

That is not to say she was lonely. Alex never had a shortage of willing "girlfriends" during her Ivy League or residency days.

But her flings invariably regressed over a short time, never lasting more than a few months as well as severely lacking in emotional commitment.

An itch that needed to be scratched on the odd occasion was all they had amounted to. But with Piper it was different.

She didn't know exactly why.

She couldn't pinpoint it, which in her perfectionist character made her feel royally perturbed.

The coffee machine pinged, her thoughts jarring back to the present, she glanced at the digital reading on her microwave; 07:45.

_Shit! _How long had she been daydreaming? Too long by the looks of it. She quickly jumped off the kitchen stool and hurried to her bedroom to get dressed. Her coffee already forgotten.

* * *

"Good morning doc, looking good as always."

"Morning, to you, Frank." Alex replied in a tone that was as neutral as possible, whilst slowly edging the Lexus forwards out of the apartment car park, the barriers going back down behind her car.

Frank, the doorman was an ex-police officer in his early forties whom Alex had known for several years. A back injury had rendered him unable to continue working for the New York Police Department and instead had turned his attention to security jobs- this being one of them.

Frank had had a crush on Alex ever since she could remember and had tried to ask her out numerous times but each time she had firmly declined his advances, gently letting him know that she wasn't into the male populace.

That hadn't stopped him.

Instead it had made him more persistent to the point where his behaviour could be considered... _stalkerish_.

If you classed leaving impromptu bouquets of flowers at her door or writing her love notes on Valentine's Day, as creepy then you'd be right. She had long since concluded that Frank was one of those men who revelled in rejection.

The only reason stopping Alex from reporting him to the police was she knew that he had gone through a hefty divorce where he had lost custody of his children which over the years left him in a state of perpetual loneliness. Alex suspected the solitude had left him slightly loopy.

However, her sympathy towards him had been stretched very thin throughout the last few months.

"I missed you yesterday."

"Yeah, had a long day." She said curtly. She had come to learn that the slightest suggestive sentence justified him upping the intensity of his one-sided courtship with Alex.

In other words, more flowers, more chocolate and more leering.

"I made you an extra sandwich today for your lunch, one for me and one for you. We can eat together. Its ham and cheese. It's your favourite."

"You know Frank. That would prove to be quite difficult, you know, logistically speaking, seeing as you don't work at the hospital with me."

_Thank god_.

Alex pointed out, sighing irritably. She didn't bother asking how he knew that ham and cheese was her preferred sandwich filling.

"What do you say?" he asked ignoring her observation, smiling.

_Jesus! F__uck!_

This man just didn't get it. She thought, glowering. She wasn't staying to find out nor did she want to encourage the man. She started the engine and began winding her window back up.

"Alex, dear. You haven't answered my question. Shall we lunch together?"

"Frank, unfortunately, not in your lifetime," Alex said with emphasis, hoping he'd get what she intended as a definitive message. He shrugged and smiled and gave her a pathetic wave. She gunned the engine and hastily drove away. She glanced in the rear-view mirror and predictably he was still waving.

She had to do something about this.

* * *

Piper flashed her I.D. to the security guard, walking into the hospital premises with a group of rowdy medical students who were heading off to their respective lectures. They parted ways when she arrived at the lift in the main lobby, she pressed the button and was patiently waiting, when someone tapped her on the shoulder.

"Yo!" It was Nicky. Piper couldn't help but smile, the woman was slightly eccentric to say the least.

"You're alive! I heard what happened."

"Thanks."

"They never mention the crazies at the inaugural inductions." She said shaking her head. "There should be a section in the resident handbook, teaching us how to deal with mentally unstable people ... And that's just the doctors."

Piper burst out laughing.

"You off to rounds?"

"Yeah."

"You sorted your white coat out?"

"Oh yes, thank god. No way am I ever going to wear _that _one again." Piper shuddered.

"Oh good, now you won't scare the patients away with that Ku Klux Klan outfit."

"Sometimes I question your sense of humour."

"That's me."

The metal doors slid open and they stepped in, the lift already crowded with patients and doctors, getting off at various floors. They reached level three, which housed the gastroenterology wards.

They entered ward A27; one of the gastro wards which was near identical to ward B10, the cardiology ward she had previously been at. They strolled past the nurses' station.

A sudden wave of déjà vu hit Piper. She automatically looked over her shoulder, half-expecting a crazed man to jump on her back at any moment. She told herself not to be silly.

They approached the doctor's room which was bustling with about half a dozen residents in varying-length white coats just making their way out of the room. Piper recognised Larry, and politely waved at him, he cheerily waved back.

"We're just on time, thank the gods." Nicky said removing her stethoscope and sticking it in her pocket, following the rest of the residents.

Piper adjusted her white coat and in the same motion, stuck her stethoscope in her pocket, she regretted the choice of colour she made with her stethoscope.

It was pink.

_What on earth had she been thinking?_

Everyone else's was a simple black. She made a mental note to have it changed once she got back home.

"You! Have you read up on the causes of hypertension?"

Piper looked up, and saw Alex, dorned in her white coat, glasses pushed in her hair, addressing a guilty looking resident stood a few feet away from her.

"Dr...I- I honestly...-" he started.

"You didn't have time, is that it?" Alex asked finishing the resident's sentence.

"I..-"

"That was a rhetorical question. When I ask you to do something, I don't just talk because I love the sound of my own voice. I actually mean what I say."

"I'm sorry."

"Sorry might cut it at home, but it doesn't here." Alex breathed irritably. "I strongly suggest you take note of future requests I give you."

The resident, grateful, vigorously nodded his head, to the point where Piper worried his head might suddenly detach and roll off.

She felt Nicky nudging her head, "Evil-dragon-lady. Remember?"

Piper mouthed a yes to Nicky. She understood, the reason behind the nicknames now.

"She literally has a rod stuck up her own ass. I don't even remember her giving Ben instructions on reading up about those causes." Nicky whispered.

Obviously Nicky hadn't whispered quietly enough.

"You!" Piper shoulders jerked upwards, thinking it was her turn to be vilified.

"Have you got anything to share to the group?" Alex was looking at Nicky.

"No, sirree."

Piper cringed. Although, she had only met the wild-haired woman yesterday, she had quickly surmised Nicky wasn't one who took orders on the chin.

"Sirree?" Alex raised her eyebrows, "You think this is funny, do you?"

"Nope." Nicky replied nonchalantly.

"Nichols, my patience with your frankly disgusting behaviour is rapidly coming to an end. You are already approaching the limit to the number of warnings that can be issued in a year, and we are currently only in the month of February."

As if suddenly realising that her blasé attitude was not helping her cause, Nicky stood up straight.

"I apologise, doctor. It won't happen again." she said with as much sincerity as a politician speaking to a prospective voter.

"Good." Alex said with a tone suggesting she gave her the benefit of the doubt on this occasion.

"Bitch." Piper heard Nicky's whisper under her breath. She quickly glanced up towards the dark haired attending, hoping she had not heard that. Luckily, Alex already had her back facing towards them, the residents following her onto the ward.

"She isn't that bad really." one of the residents whispered to her. A petite girl with red hair tied into a pony-tail.

"I gathered as much." Piper replied.

"As long as you're on her good side, there's nothing to worry about. To be honest, she's had it in for Nichols from the start."

"Why?"

"I have no idea. Something to do with Nichols nearly killing a patient once because she had been high on weed"

"Really! How is she still practicing as a doctor?" Piper asked mortified.

"It's never been proven and the patient was already dying of terminal cancer."

"Really?"

"Yeah." the girl quickly turned around and followed the group out, Piper hurriedly paced after her. This was going to be a long round.

* * *

The ward round had come to an end. It was already nearing mid-afternoon.

"I'll be in surgery all afternoon. In the meantime, I want you all to devise a case report on that patient that we saw this morning with the intra-medullary spinal tumour." Some residents were already scribbling in their notebooks. "I want a full literature review as well as a proposed treatment regimen emailed to me by tomorrow at five o clock, latest." Alex said.

She surveyed the group of residents, "Understood?"

Everyone nodded their heads.

"Great. Off you go."

Piper remembered Alex's promised drinks-after-work-invitation. She felt awkward for asking considering what she had seen during the course of this morning. Alex had already began walking away, pre-occupied with her Blackberry. Piper considered going after her, but then thought against it. She'll text the older doctor later. Or not.

_Would that be too desperate?_

But then at least, she wouldn't have to do it face to face in case she was rejected.

Before she could decide, her question was answered for her.

"Oh by the way, you still up for drinks later?"

Alex was stood beside Piper. Piper looked up, thinking how on earth had she not noticed Alex walking back and standing beside her.

"Um, yeah."

"Ok, I'll probably be finished around five-ish, I'll meet you in the library?"

"It's a d-." Piper stopped herself. "Okay, great."

Alex shook her head smiling and walked off.

* * *

Piper was desperate for an ice-cold drink. Despite the outside hitting subzero temperatures, whoever was responsible for the hospital's central heating, decided that tropical temperatures was an appropriate climate to aim for. She felt most sorry for the patients, those who weren't admitted with fever, probably had raging fevers by the time they were admitted to the near boiling wards.

Piper was in the library, surround by voluminous medical texts, she had nearly completed the case report. She rubbed her eyes, and stretched out her arms, glancing at the clock for the millionth time.

"Anywhere special to go?" Larry asked who had been sat opposite her, working on his laptop.

"Huh?"

"You keep glancing at the clock, I just thought, have you got somewhere to be?"

"Oh no!" Piper said a little too loud.

"Shhhh!" a nearby librarian hissed.

"Okay." He shrugged his shoulders.

"Sorry, just a little tired."

It was already nearing six o clock. Piper wondered if Alex had been held up in surgery. Or even worse, she had simply forgotten and driven home. She had appeared to be in a hurry.

She looked back down at her work, she was proud of what she had completed so far. Intra-medullary tumours was a complex topic to discuss and the bulk of her time had been spent on reading up on what the condition actually was before she could really start appraising the case study. She looked back up at the clock, 6:27 PM. She sighed.

* * *

"Charge to 360!"

The sound of the defibrillator cut through the panicked commotion.

"We're losing him!" Someone shouted.

"Adrenaline, 0.5 going in!"

"Everyone clear! And shocking!"

Alex's eyes darted towards the cardiac monitor, her heart in her throat, she could feel the sweat dripping down her forehead, her glasses clouded. The heart rhythm was still flat. Stubbornly remaining so.

The surgery had been progressing without a hitch when suddenly a bleed had developed out of nowhere, they had been trying to resuscitate the patient for the past half hour.

"Charging again, everyone clear, and shocking!" Alex exclaimed. "Tom! Check his vitals again."

"Another 0.5 going in!" the anaesthetist shouted.

"Everyone stop!" Alex stuck a gloved hand out, halting everyone in their tracks. Eyes once again focused on the steady flat line. The unremitting flat tone unforgivingly beeping. And then after an infinity the constant tone switched to a regular repeated beep.

_Beep Beep Beep_

"We've got a trace!"

Alex slowly exhaled, she realised she had been holding her breath. She gestured a thumbs up sign at the team, smiling behind her surgical mask.

The entire operating room erupted into a loud cheer, people were clapping, grinning but most of all were breathing out massive sighs of relief.

"Tom, please close up for me. I'm late for something." Alex pointed to her colleague whilst peeling the surgical gown off her.

"No problem. You go."

She glanced at her watch, 6:30 PM.

_Oh fuck she was late. Mightily late._

_ Really, really late._

After changing out of her scrubs, she hurried down the corridor, hoping the young resident was still waiting. Alex would understand if the blonde had decided to leave.

She slammed open the library doors, the adrenaline from earlier, still pumping through her body. She breathed a sigh of relief when she saw Piper, sat alone, typing away at her laptop in a near empty library. As if on cue she looked up from her work.

"Let's go!" Alex called out.

* * *

"So you graduated from Princeton?" Piper asked Alex, sipping on a glass of wine, whilst peering above the glass rim.

"Yep."

They had been chatting for the past half hour. They were sat at the bar counter. The place was bustling with young professionals unwinding after a long work day. Tucked away in one of the corners of the darkened room, an amateur band was performing, the noise reverberating across the entirety of the bar.

"So how are you finding Litchfield Hospital so far?" Alex asked above the noise.

Piper deliberated the answer for that question, her gaze directed towards the ceiling - deep in thought.

"Interesting." she finally concluded.

"A very eloquent answer."

"I mean I've never been attacked by a crazed, drug-fueled man in a hospital before. If that's what you were asking." She paused. "Come to think of it, or anywhere else for that matter."

"Consider it a rite of passage." Alex said amusingly.

She continued, "Well, that calls for us to commemorate the event in true Litchfield style."

"And how is that?"

"By downing a shot of tequila, of course." Alex replied matter-of-factly.

Piper smiled to herself.

"Very sound advice from a supposedly senior doctor."

"Is this a hospital?" Alex asked, looking around, as if to double-check it wasn't indeed a hospital. "I'm quite certain they don't have live bands playing at hospitals? If they do - I most definitely am working in the wrong hospital."

"Well in that case, I should better mark my first ever assault in a hospital with a well deserved celebratory drink." Piper mused.

"Now that you put it like that, it does sound slightly disconcerting but..." Alex pointed her index finger at Piper "...whoever coined the phrase "drown your sorrows" was advising on what to do for that exact situation."

Alex signalled for the barman to fetch two shot glasses. A minute later, their glasses arrived filled with golden-coloured liquid. They raised their glasses, "To avoid getting assaulted in hospitals again." Alex declared, winking at Piper. They clinked their glasses.

"Cheers."

* * *

The table was littered with empty glasses. One shot had turned into several shots and a variety of other drinks that both had lost track of.

The evening had been long. The alcohol made Piper feel warm and fuzzy inside, whilst also making her tongue considerably looser.

"Do you know the interns and medical students refer to you as 'Sexy-glasses-Vause'?"

Alex turned to face Piper, an expression of interest depicted across her face.

"Do you think that's an accurate description of me?" Alex asked, elbow propped on the bar counter.

"You answered a question with a question." Piper giggled. "I can't accept that as an answer."

Piper beckoned for the bartender to refill her glass.

"What do you want me to say?"

"There it is again. No uh. Try again." Piper responded, laughing.

"No I did not know that. I must have a stern word with these so called interns and tell them that I prefer to be known as "Alex" if I'm quite honest. Plus it's considerably shorter than the previous, flattering although inappropriate nickname." She said with a mock indignant tone.

"I will be sure to let them know."

"So tell me about yourself." Piper asked, staring expectantly at Alex.

"Well what do you want to know?" She replied, her voice deliberately low.

"Are you single for starters?"

The alcohol was really widening the breadth of topic tonight not to mention, opening up the blonde's reserve in leaps and jumps, Alex thought to herself.

"I don't know. I might be." She replied purposefully vague. "Do you want me to be?" she continued all the while leaning closer to the blonde, their legs brushing against one another.

"You really have a penchant for answering questions with questions." Piper jested.

"Well, your questions are as subtle as a CIA interrogation." Alex countered. "I'm waiting to be water-boarded next."

"So?"

"So, what?"

"Are you, you know, single?"

"Wow, you really are persistent."

"Wow, are you always so evasive with your answers?" Piper replied rubbing the wine glass with her fingers.

"On the market. Off the market. Does it really matter? "

"Really? On/off the market? Shall I start bidding? Seeing as you're describing yourself as a product being sold on EBay."

"I don't know whether to be offended or not."

"Bite me."

"Bite me?" Alex rolled her eyes. "I'm sorry, I didn't realise we had reverted back to 'high-school linguistics' ."

"College actually. I'm resurrecting it. And what kind of high-school did you go to?"

"One in Queens."

"Queens? As in Queens, Queens?" Piper asked wide-eyed.

"I gathered you did not go to a rough high-school?"

"I'm really sorry. I wasn't meant to be offensive."

"No don't worry about it. Not many people who have lived in Queens, are on the right side of the law. Which is not to say I'm not a law-abiding citizen."

"I never doubted it." Piper held her hands up as if to say, good for you.

Piper was struck by how little she knew about the woman sat opposite her. Piper had the distinct feeling that Alex was an extremely private person and was not one to declare her baggage to the first person she spoke to.

Alex noticed Piper staring at her intently.

"What?" Alex laughed softly, turning her head slightly.

Pulled back from her thoughts, "I was just thinking of how little I know about you."

Well, what do you want to know?"

Piper suddenly laughed out loud. "We are literally repeating ourselves here. Well, you more than me."

"Have I missed the joke?" Alex asked, pretending to look around.

"You're so… you." Piper sighed. As if those words were the entire answer. "Don't get me wrong, it's a good thing."

Piper continued; "In the beginning I wasn't sure what to make of you. I thought, what a grand bitch!"

Alex raised her eyebrows and looked at Piper inquisitively.

"I mean… but then after that I liked you a lot."

They stared at each other for what felt like eternity. "I mean… in an entirely professional capacity of course." Piper quickly added, looking decidedly uncomfortable.

Alex just watched the young resident, studying her, trying to discern the intentions behind those words, in the end she spoke.

"Yes, I like you as well." Before adding, "In an entirely professional capacity, of course."

_Two can play this game_

Alex took another sip of her drink.

"So you "_might" _be single? What exactly does that mean?" Piper suddenly blurted out glancing up, her face a picture of curiosity.

She didn't miss a beat did she? Alex mused.

Alex's gaze drifted to Piper's lips. Pink and full. And those eyelashes, how they curled up and partially hid those brilliant blue eyes.

_How had she not noticed these features before? _

Little details that escaped her during the course of their working relationship. Normally she was extremely perceptive regarding these things. Her previous qualms with regards to her feelings towards the blonde were quashed during these exact moments - where her normally steely reserve threatened to collapse. All courtesy of the woman accompanying here on this splendid night. Deciding to play along to Piper's intentions Alex answered her question.

She leant forwards, to the point where their noses were practically touching. She whispered into Piper's ear; "You want to find out?"

Alex's dulcet whispers and intensely close proximity, caused Piper to take a sharp intake of breath. Piper felt like the room had quietened down in a heartbeat. Her mouth suddenly went dry and she felt her heart rate pick up. She was too afraid to answer the question, for she knew the answer. Although the question consisted of a few words, it had so much ambiguity to it.

So many meanings. So many intentions. So many consequences.

Piper had dated her fair share of people -cocky guys, shy guys, you name it, and she'd seen it all. She had had brief flings with a few girls during her college years, (the operative word being _brief)_

But had she dated smart women? _Never_. Tall women? _Never._ Women like Alex? _Not even close. _The attending was in a league of her own. She was different - maybe too smart for her own good. Flowers wouldn't ever smooth anything out—she'd probably throw them back in Piper's face. She wouldn't back off when Piper's legendary temper flared and she sure as hell wouldn't buy any of Piper's usual excuses. In short, she wasn't the kind of woman you fucked around with. She was the kind of woman you had a dangerous, sordid affair with. Piper visibly gulped.

"So you don't want to know?" Alex continued, in that sultry voice she had wanted to hear time and time again. The dark-haired doctor's nose lightly grazed over the blonde's before delicately brushing her lips against Piper's ears.

"I…do…want to know."

"What was that?" Alex asked, her head partially buried against Piper's nape. Her touch electric. "Hmm?"

"I said...-" Piper's eyes closed. Alex's touch was causing indescribable feelings to surge through her body at lightning speed.

"Hmmm? I can't quite hear you. You'll have to say it...a bit louder." Alex's lips still exploring the side of Piper's neck. Her warm breath causing goosebumps to prickle her skin.

Piper's senses were on fire. She was in sensation overload. Surrounding noises drowned out. She was barely managing to speak in full sentences. Her brain was inundated with signals firing from all parts of her body. Piper's couldn't contain her resolve anymore and turned her head slightly, parting her lips.

"Alex?"

A voice rang out. They sprang apart.

Where Alex's lips previously were, was now suddenly left cold and untouched.

They simultaneously turned around and faced the person who interrupted their charged endeavour…

_AN: Apologies for an exceptionally long chapter. I really did not want to cut it short, as I thought it would ruin the flow of the story. Hope you enjoyed it, all the same. Again thank you, thank you for the continuous outpourings of love for this fic. I always take all criticisms and suggestions fully on board. As always love you all very much. Again major thanks! x_


	7. A Lesson In Life

7\. A Lesson in Life.

* * *

"Sorry! Did I interrupt anything?" a man said in an overly loud manner. His brash voice a sacrilege to their earlier sensual whispers.

"Frank." Alex replied in a less than happy voice.

Piper looked at Alex and then at this Frank, feeling as though she had missed an important plot-line in a film.

"Wow! Fancy bumping into you here."

Alex half-suspected he probably followed her here.

"I'm kind of busy here."

She refused to look him in the eye, in the hope that he understood he wasn't wanted here.

_ Of course he wouldn't._

_It was wishful thinking on her part._

It took all of Alex's restraint not to tell him to _fuck right off. _She looked at Piper and shrugged her shoulders apologetically. She honestly did not know how she had been able to maintain her cool up until now and remain civil with this man.

"You didn't answer my question from this morning." He said, a pathetic smile plastered across a face Alex restrained herself from punching.

"What was that, Frank?" her response, a stark contrast to the fury that was bubbling inside her, that was now threatening to boil over. The effort to maintain _some _semblance of civility was proving to become increasingly difficult.

"You know, we were supposed to go for drinks after our four o clock lunch."

"Lunch?"

Alex noticed that the earlier invitation of lunch had been promoted to "going out for a drink".

_The man really was delusional._

She admonished herself for not nipping this in the bud before it had escalated to _this._

Alex looked at Piper, who was now sporting a wide-eyed expression.

She suddenly realised how this appeared to the young resident; Alex who met Piper an hour and a half after her promised pick up time and this man claiming to have had a spontaneous lunch date with her.

_This was going from bad to worse._

"Frank!" Red hot anger, prevented her from denying anything, instead she was too busy focusing on controlling her breathing. Without thinking, she grabbed him by the arm and led him out towards the back of the bar, away from Piper's accusing stare.

"What do you think you are doing?" She hissed.

"I thought-"He started, confused.

"No! You _fucking _didn't think anything. Quit this _fucking _infatuated, wide-eyed _bullshit_! I'm getting sick of this."

"But our lunch tod-"

"We didn't have _fucking _lunch! What part of that sentence do you not understand?" Alex said through gritted teeth, her jaw clenched, hands balled into fists.

"That's not how it looked to me! You don't have to hide our secret from your lover over there." He said whilst trying to look over Alex's shoulder. "I didn't know you went for the damsel-in-distress type."

Alex paused, suddenly aware that the young resident could hear every word of their heated tête-à-tête. She inadvertently glanced at Piper, a hard stone-faced expression was dominating her face. Alex forced herself to look away.

"Listen to me. _Listen!"_Alex commanded. She grasped the man's shoulders and stared down at his face, she was unable to conceal the contempt she was feeling. "Get the _fuck_ out of here, before I call the police."

She didn't wait for an answer, but instead turned him around, and shoved him towards the backdoor exits, hands pressing forcibly on the small of his back.

"But…-" he tried to turn around. Alex abruptly stopped and instead rifled through her jean pocket and produced her phone, making a point of dialling 911.

She got her desired response,

"Okay, okay, I'm going." Frank stuck his arms in the air, before being practically frog-marched out of the building.

Alex purposefully stood by the door, watching him leave the bar premises, still seething. When she was satisfied he had disappeared into the New York crowd she turned back around, and dejectedly walked back towards the bar counter.

To her surprise, she saw Piper, already in her jacket and about to sling her bag over her shoulder.

"Piper?"

"I was just leaving." She replied in a flat tone.

"I'm sorry… about that earlier. I have sent him packing." She pointed over her shoulder.

Piper rose from the barstool, and faced Alex, her face betraying skepticism.

"You could have just said that you were meeting someone else, instead of making me wait in the library like, like, some solitary loser."

"It's not what it looks like." The second the words came out Alex wanted to shoot herself in the foot for reverting back to clichéd responses. She shook her head, shifted her weight from one foot to the other, and cleared her throat. "I mean I hardly know the guy."

"You looked pretty familiar with each other."

"Let me explain…-"

They regarded each other for a moment. Alex searched for that earlier lust-filled expression that but instead it had been replaced with a look of betrayal and accusation. She couldn't believe that mere minutes ago they had been enjoying each other's company.

"There's no need to explain." Piper snapped dismissively.

Alex flinched at the sharpness of the blonde's words. She saw Piper fumbling with her purse, counting out dollar notes.

"Let me at least pay for your drinks."

Piper shot her a withering look and continued to count the few notes in her purse. It was quite clear the young resident didn't have enough cash to cover the tab. Alex found it too painful to watch any longer, and produced her credit card, handing it to the bartender who looked awkward in having had to witness their hostile exchanges.

For a brief second resentment overcame Alex's senses. All at once her brain was flooded with unreasonable annoyance for Piper. She could have at least have given Alex the benefit of the doubt instead of jumping to conclusions. She was still recovering from the shock of Frank's unexpected appearance.

_Damn him to hell_

"I'll see you around." Piper stated simply without looking at the dark-haired doctor.

Alex let out a lungful of air through pursed lips. The slight pause gave her a chance to collect herself and not blurt out something she'd regret later. She even tried to feign indifference and mask the fact she was exasperated at how the night had ended on such a sour note.

"Well, have a safe journey," Was all she mustered in the end, barely audible.

Alex didn't bother offering a lift as already knew what the answer was going to be. She was about to change her mind, and opened her mouth but Piper had already disappeared through the throngs of people.

Alex slowly sat back down at the bar counter, sighing miserably she gestured to the bartender for a drink. When it arrived, she simply stared at the glass, appreciating the intricate patterns imprinted on the glass. She rolled it between her index finger and thumb before setting it back down on the granite counter. Without even taking a sip she abruptly stood up, grabbed her bag and headed out the door, waved at the valet to pick her car up. Whilst she was waiting, she looked around the immediate area, half-expecting to see the young blonde walking back towards her, armed with an apology. But there was no such thing.

Her car arrived, it had just started raining, a cold wind blew into her hair- she quickly climbed into the warm confines of the Lexus and closed the door. Except for the sounds of raindrops lightly pattering onto the windscreen, the car was silent. She looked out of the window, her thoughts wandering.

_What the fuck had just happened?_

_What the...fuck_

* * *

_She had to get out of there._

_Fast._

_Now_.

Piper self-consciously excused herself, pushing through the crowds of people in the bar, trying not to balk before she stepped out of the door. At last she mercifully reached open air. The claustrophobia of the place slowly easing.

Outside it just began raining.

_Great_

She desperately scanned the roads, trying to catch sight of a yellow cab, peering hard through the impenetrable downpour.

She could see an abundance of cabs, but all were occupied. Occupied with warm, comfortable people. Men and women. Husbands and wives. Friends. And _Couples. _

Watching them smiling and laughing. Piper felt deprived.

Turning her thoughts to finding a means of getting home, she realised that the probability of finding a taxi at this late hour was slim to none. To her irritation, the light drizzling rain had rapidly transformed into the bucketing-down variety. She was soaked in a matter of minutes, her hair plastered down her forehead.

_Just her luck_

Giving up on the task of hailing a cab, she reluctantly resigned herself to catch the subway. She quickly walked to nearest station in the hope of at least getting home before three in the morning. After ten minutes, of struggling against the wet and coldness, Piper reached the concrete coated entrance of a station. Hurrying inside, she sought instant reprieve from the unforgiving weather. The station was nearly deserted. Except for a few drunk revellers and the occasional beggar, she was on her own. She was acutely aware of that fact.

_How had it come to this?_

Suddenly Piper felt nauseous and an overwhelming sense of bitterness rose within her.

_Fuck you, Alex._

_Go fuck yourself._

She should _not _have got involved with the dark-haired woman.

_Well that was easier said than done_

She could feel her heart pumping relentlessly. A dizziness overpowered her. She realised she had been shallow-breathing. She forced herself to calm down, exhaling deeply.

Piper stopped walking. Her mind was replaying images and sounds from earlier this evening.

"…_It's not what it looks like..."_

"…_I barely know the guy…"_

Sounds were replaced with visuals of Alex's green eyes, intensely staring at her. Boring into her soul. Visuals were then replaced with feelings. Feelings of _those _lips lightly stroking her neck, ears and everything in between. Igniting all that they touched. She shuddered.

_Damn you to hell._

She should have known better. She felt angry with herself for succumbing to Alex's advances. More-so she felt played. No doubt, she was not the first person, to have yielded to the doctor's almost certainly, well practiced endeavours.

_How stupid had she been? Stupid enough._

All of a sudden, a hand roughly grabbed the top of her shoulder. Piper froze.

Gripped with ice-cold panic – flashbacks of her ordeal in that hospital room, flooded her senses, rendering her frozen to the spot. Spinning around, she had to restrain herself from lashing out at her assailant.

Except it wasn't an assailant.

It was a police-officer. The NYPD emblem visible on his uniform lapels.

He had probably walked from up the subway stairs and caught sight of Piper pacing back and forth.

"Ma-am, are you okay?" A look of concern crossing his face.

"Um, yeah." She stumbled over her words - she was still reeling from the earlier terror-soaked feelings.

"Sorry if I scared you. Do you know where you are going?"

"Yeah, thanks." With that she began walking away. She pushed through the ticket barriers. She looked over her shoulder, and noticed he was still staring after her. She kept walking.

Piper was stood on the platform, glancing every so often at the impassable darkness of the subway tunnel, hoping to catch sight of the front-lights of an approaching carriage. The coldness of the cavernous surroundings seeped through the flimsy material of her jacket. At this rate she was going to become hypothermic.

She darkly thought, then at least she would be numbed from the bitter feelings swirling through her mind.

She pulled her coat tighter, sticking her hands deep into the pockets, attempting to seek warmth. Her near numb fingers brushed against a crumpled piece of paper. She fished it out, all the while, trying desperately to warm her hands by blowing on them. She absentmindedly folded the slightly wet piece of paper open. Her mind raced ahead. It was the same piece of paper Alex had shoved in her pocket. The doctor's name and number, hastily scribbled on it.

She suddenly felt depressed.

That night felt like a lifetime ago.

_Laughter. Comfort. Anticipation._

A far cry from what she was experiencing now. She was a mere solitary figure sat amongst empty, concrete surroundings. That night might as well have occurred a millennia ago. It was no more than a distant memory now. A past happening. A collection of images and sounds. That is all.

_Fuck. _

Her thoughts veered between anger and humiliation.

Her ride arrived.

Disheartened she climbed on.

She was overwhelmed by the thought that just when Piper allowed Alex into her life, she had been abandoned.

_Don't be so fucking melodramatic._

She was wallowing in self-pity. So much so, Piper was practically swimming in it.

_What exactly was she moping about?_

_What exactly was there between her and the tall doctor?_

_Was she misconstruing things?_

_Was it just an after work drink? _ Just a simple drink with no hidden agenda.

_Or was it all in her head? _

_And also…Who. The. Hell… Was that man?_

The amount of unanswered questions was growing at breakneck speed. The who, what, when and whys were drowning her. Of course, all those questions could be answered. But it required involving the very woman in question.

Piper told herself her annoyance at Alex had absolutely nothing to do with jealousy.

_No! Of course not!_

But more to with the fact Alex had lied to her. Deceived her. Humiliated her.

_…Maybe it was_

Jealousy is a cruel emotion that devours people alive. She takes you with her and methodically turns you into little unrecognisable pieces of your former self.

A sickening realisation nearly overpowered her. Instead of expending all of her emotional energy on psycho-analysing on said words and actions, she needed to conserve that pent up energy for her upcoming residency exams.

_Shit! Exams!_

In between her infatuation with her newly appointed supervisor and feeling for sorry for herself, the most important exam of her career had slipped her mind.

"Miss!" A voice called out sharply.

Piper sat up straighter, turned her head to look down the length of the carriage noticing a uniformed conductor, gesturing for her get off.

"It's the end of the line! Time to get off!"

"Oh, sorry, I'm going now!"

She grabbed her bag and disembarked off the carriage. Whilst walking out she took out her mobile phone, intending on calling Polly. Hopefully her best friend would be awake at this hour and would be willing to pick Piper up. She started to dial the buttons when she saw that the phone's screen remained black. Frantically, she kept pressing the buttons, but the tiny screen stubbornly remained dark.

The _god-damn _battery was dead.

_This night just kept getting better and better. _

_Surely it couldn't get any worse than this?_

* * *

Piper woke up in two distinct stages.

First, a bright light was threatening to burn her retinas right out. She was floating just at the peripheries of consciousness. An infinite space between reality and a dreamlike state. Then a throbbing headache force forced her to slowly open her eyes, which only served to cause her brain to shatter into a million pieces. At least that's what it felt like.

She fully woke up, her eyes protesting against the glaring rays of the morning sun. Distantly, she realised she was not in the comforts of her own bed but instead her hung-over figure was sprawled awkwardly across the leather sofa of her apartment living room she shared with her friend Polly.

All at once, the previous nights' experiences came flooding back worsening the pain in her head further and causing her stomach to roil over.

Piper slowly perched on her elbows and hesitantly stood up – dangerously swaying for a moment before clumsily walking towards the hallway, in desperate search of remedies to stop this horrendous pain. She was always a light-weight when it came to drink and today was no exception.

She glanced at the clock; 10:31 AM.

_Oh my god, work!_

She sprang into action and sprinted towards her bedroom, but not before crashing headfirst into Polly who had just emerged from her room.

"Woah! Who's chasing you?" She protested whilst saving Piper from face-planting onto the linoleum floor.

"I'm _fucking _late for work!"

A puzzled expression flashed across Polly's face.

"You do know it's Saturday, right?"

"Heh?" Her hung-over brain not fully comprehending what had just been said. "Are you sure?"

"If you're questioning my grasp in naming the days of the week, then I am deeply offended."

"Oh." Relieved, Piper stumbled back into the living room, and crashed onto the sofa, the pain in her head returning with might.

Catching sight of Piper's obvious signs of a hangover, Polly left the room and returned with a glass of water and a packet of aspirin tablets.

"You're a lifesaver, Pol."

"I aim to please." She sat down beside Piper placing the glass and tablets on the small coffee table, "You must have had one hell of a night.

"Yeah you could say that."

"That does not qualify as an answer, come on spill."

"It was a…long night."

No way was she going to tell Polly about her disastrous evening.

_ Why the fuck did she still remember everything from that previous night with crystal clear clarity?_

The few drink-fuelled parties that she had been to during her college years had always resulted in complete amnesia come the following morning.

_Someone, somewhere, was playing cruel tricks on her_

"What happened?" Polly's voice roused Piper out of her thoughts, "You were practically paralytic when you come home last night."

Piper didn't say anything, instead was too busy staring at her fingers.

"And who the hell is Alex?"

At Alex's name, Piper's ears perked up – her headache suddenly forgotten. She sat up and for the first time faced her friend. She tried to gauge Polly's expression, trying to see how much her friend knew.

"How do you know?" Her heart was racing. Her hands suddenly clammy.

She couldn't deal with this now. Piper struggled to feign a disinterested demeanour.

"You were holding a piece of paper in your hand. You were practically praying to it."

"Where is it?"

"What?"

"Where is it? The paper?" She said in a sharp tone. Piper instantly regretted it. It wasn't Polly's fault. It was entirely her own.

Sensing Piper's sudden awakening at the new subject, Polly playfully nudged her,

"Come on, Pipes. Who is he?"

Piper just stared at her friend whose eyes were expectantly waiting for a response.

_Should she spill the facts?_

_Would it be worth telling Polly everything?_

She was after all Piper's best friend. Her confidante. Her go-to person.

_She deserved to know._

Their busy lives rarely allowed for a moment's rest, what with Piper a resident and Polly working as a lawyer for a legal firm, had led to them rarely seeing each other on weekdays. Despite, their hectic lives they still made the effort to be there for each other and update each other about significant stuff that happened in their day-to-day jobs and/or lives.

"Piper, come on. I am literally turning to stone here."

"Alex is a she. Not a 'he'." Piper mumbled.

_Should she carry on? She could stop now and no one would be none the wiser._

_She could._

_She still could._

Polly's eyes widened. To her credit she didn't say anything, and instead just slowly nodded.

Despite her reservations Piper carried on, "She's my attending at the hospital."

Piper looked up, staring at Polly, trying to guess what her friend was thinking. But Polly's face remained impassive. Annoyingly so.

"Okay…Where are you going with this?" She said confused. Her eyebrows suddenly shot up, "Wait! Are you _fucking _sleeping with her?"

Piper sat up in horror.

"No! It's nothing like that!"

"Then what? Cause you're acting all weird."

Reluctantly Piper told her everything, including the happenings of last night. After confessing everything, she felt like a huge weight had been lifted off her chest.

"Wow!"

"Is that all you have to say? After I practically spill my heart out to you?"

Polly frowned, without answering the question she started, "I mean your relationship choices have always been questionable, Pipes."

"It is _not _a relationship!"

"Okay, whatever."

"No come on, what do you mean by 'my choices'" Even though Piper hated the entirety of this conversation – her curiosity got the better of her.

"As in you've always pined over people you shouldn't be pining after." Polly shrugged her shoulders.

Piper cringed.

_Is that really how she had come across? Oh god._

Flatly, she responded, "That's your opinion."

"Come on, remember that teacher during high-school. What's his name?" Polly clicked her fingers. "Oh yeah, that nerdy math teacher you had the hots for."

"I did not have the 'hots' for him."

"Oh, yes you did, remember what happened at Valentine's Day?"

Piper cringed. Just when she had recovered from that awkward Valentine's Day proposal Piper had made, she had to be reminded yet again.

"That was different."

"Same old thing. Different people. Piper, she's your _fucking _superior. Hello!_" _ Polly waved her hands in front of Piper. "I'm pretty sure there's a legal issue in there somewhere."

"For someone supposedly working in law, that's a pretty shit rejoinder.

"Meow! Saucer of milk for one, coming right up."

Piper refused to rise to the obvious bait.

"Very mature."

"No more mature than you." Polly retorted, "And anyway has it ever occurred to you that this Frank person, or whatever, genuinely is some delusional psycho and not some jilted lover this Alex had a secret rendezvous with."

"Polly! She _fucking _stood me up. I was waiting for like, three hours. Okay more like two, but still." Piper couldn't believe her friend was defending the attending.

"Come on Pipes. Use your logic, so she's in surgery and runs to have dinner and then comes back to pick you up? All in a space of what, an hour or so? Surely even you can't be that stupid."

Piper was beginning to regret ever saying anything. She should have just kept schtum.

"I'm just angry at the lack of courtesy. That's all. Nothing else." She quietly said.

"Right…sure. You keep telling yourself that."

"You know, friends are supposed to agree with each other."

"Not if they're clearly in the wrong, they don't."

"Thanks for the moral support, Pol."

"Besides, did you let this Alex, explain herself?"

"I didn't need to!" Piper countered.

"Did you hear her side of the story out? Actually did you listen to anything at all?" Answering her own question, Polly continued, "Or did you in your usual self-absorbed, self-pitying way walk off, without appreciating the facts of the situation?"

Piper just stared.

"No offense." Her friend quickly added.

"Ok, ok. I get it. No need to push it."

Polly could be a little too candid sometimes. No scratch that. _Brutally honest._

Noticing Piper's wounded expression, she softened her voice, "Pipes, in law, if courts dealt with criminal trials the way you do, a hell of a lot of innocent people would be in jail now. My point is you can't jump to conclusions, without looking at _all _the facts."

A silence befell them.

After what seemed like a century, Piper answered, "That's one _fucking _clever analogy." She said grinning.

"I know right?" Clearly relieved at the fact that Piper hadn't gone ape-shit on her. "I have been practicing it, I have been waiting to use it at the right moment for like years"

"Oh what would I do without a big-mouth asshole like you?" Piper quipped jokingly.

"A big-mouth asshole always needs a stuck-up WASPy gal by her side." She replied, whilst raising her eyebrows and nodding her head.

"Ouch. Touché"

* * *

Alex always hated Mondays mornings with passion. The weather always seemed to reflect her Monday blues. The early morning drive had been drab to say the least. The rain from the weekend had refused to stop and had carried well into the night and the following morning. She should be used to it by now. This was New York during winter months after all.

She sighed, taking her glasses off and ran a finger through her hair. This was going to be one hell of a long morning.

The sheer paperwork covering her desk, fighting for the limited space, was depressing to say the least. As an attending, it wasn't just clinical practice that she spent her time on but she also had to deal with administrative and managerial issues. On top of that, she had to read and respond to countless of emails sent over the weekend.

If someone told her to eat glass right about now instead of attempting _this_ she would have happily obliged.

Her phone sounded, she picked it up, and saw she had received one message:

**Mum: Hey Al, haven't spoken in a while. Hope everything's good. Don't you be over-working yourself! Love you x**

She smiled. After years of nagging her mum, the woman had finally given in and joined the 21st century by buying a phone. She could still hear her mother's protests about getting cancer from the supposed radio-waves emitted by cell phones. She had read it in one of those celebrity magazines, so it must be 100% true.

Alex felt guilty for not having contacted her mother for well over a month now. The poor woman, was worrying probably worrying herself sick. She made a mental note to call her later when she got home. Just before she put her phone down, her phone indicated another incoming message, she glanced at the screen and saw she had received an email from NYPD Citizen Relations:

**Ref: 1494853**

**Dear Ms Vause,**

**Your complaint regarding Mr Frank White has been noted and received. We shall be shortly contacting you with further information about how to proceed with the complaints process. All complaints are taken seriously and we shall endeavour to fully comply with NYPD policy with regards to investigating the claim with the utmost discretion.**

**Yours sincerely,**

**R. Abbott **

**Complaints manager**

What the _fuck _was this? She wanted the delusional _fucker _at the very least charged with stalking and harassment and not treated as if she was complaining about finding a spider in a bunch of apples she had bought from a grocery store. She had never held the police in high regards and today was no exception. She had never had any luck with any of her ample police encounters during her younger years. Her neighborhood, was pretty renowned for the almost year round police presence which had never served to solve anything. If anything, quite conversely, they had an uncanny knack for worsening everything in their wake.

Luckily today, there had been another doorman on duty, otherwise Alex did not know what she would have done. She had thought of taking it into her own hands, but thought nothing but trouble would come out of it.

Plus, although Frank came across as a fairly physically harmless guy she did not want to hedge her bets.

Her thoughts wandered to the young resident. That night had been many things. Many good. Many bad.

Mostly good.

That was prior to the unfortunate calamity that was Frank. That was before he had ruined everything.

When Alex had gotten home that night, she had tried to call Piper but had realised that although she had given the blonde her cell number, Alex didn't have hers and so had no way of communicating with her. Although she didn't want to admit it, she had been checking her phone more frequently than usual in the hope that Piper would call or at least text her. But no such thing happened. To be honest, she didn't even know why she was so hung on the blonde, it wasn't like she didn't have plenty of other people to choose from.

_Wasn't that the case?_

_She wasn't sure_

She turned back to her work, scanning documents and making notes. The morning although just started felt like it was progressing at a snail's pace. She was going to need coffee. Plenty of coffee.

* * *

The morning had been uneventful. Piper regarded uneventful mornings as ones that did not involve deaths, coming into contact with bodily fluids or getting shouted at by the seniors. She had been assigned in finding a diagnosis for a young mother of three who had been admitted with a pleural effusion. After gathering the woman's patient file and reading over the blood results, Piper approached the hospital room.

"Lynne, I'll be arranging for you to have a CT scan to see what the cause of this effusion is" Piper explained.

"I have all faith in you, doctor." The woman smiled warmly at Piper.

What Piper hadn't told Lynne, was that the pleural effusion - which essentially just meant fluid in the lung - could have more sinister causes, but she hoped that was not the case. She had come to like Lynne a lot, she had grown attached to the patient. Something that was not encouraged by the hospital.

"Thank you, Lynne." Piper placed the patient file back to the filing cabinet and stepped out of the room.

She glanced at her watch and saw it nearing ten in the morning. She carried on with finishing the rest of the ward jobs and writing up into the patient charts. It was days like these that she genuinely enjoyed her job. Seeing patients satisfied who had entered hospital under dire circumstances and seeing them off fully treated. During her dark days she constantly reminded herself that days like these were worth carrying on for.

An hour later, a porter handed her the scan results for Lynne, Piper thanked the man and quickly flicked through the sheets, ignoring all the irrelevant jargon and reading the last paragraph that had been typed out.

It was probably caused by a chest infection, Piper thought. Easily treated with some antibiotics and the mother would be home with her husband and children in no time.

Except it wasn't good news. In fact, it was the worst possible news.

_"…A mass invading the lung tissue most likely representing a cancerous tumour. Estimated to be at stage four"_

Piper stopped breathing. Her eyes focusing on the word 'cancerous' not believing the formed ink patterns were spelling out what she had just read.

No it can't be.

How was she going to explain to Lynne, that she was not going home in time to see her children come back from school but instead had cancer? All noises had been drowned out and she struggled to contain her emotions.

She was a doctor for god's sake! If she started blubbering, what hope did patients have in seeking comfort from a supposed figure of confidence and hope? No she had to remain impartial and professional at all times. She took a deep breath and stepped into Lynne's room armed with the sheaf of papers which carried the most unfortunate of news.

* * *

The sun had begun setting. The brightness making way for the darkness of the night.

The locker room was deserted.

Piper had stuffed her stethoscope in her bag and was now sitting down at one of the tables in the room. To her surprise, the encounter with Lynne had gone quite well. The woman had taken the news stoically and graciously. Instead of Piper comforting the patient, Lynne had been comforting her, and had shared a few life lessons with the young resident.

Lynne's ordeal had put Piper's so called heartbreak into perspective. She had been selfish. She had been so self-absorbed. Polly's words came back haunting her and were unforgivingly replaying in her mind.

She thought of Alex.

_Oh god._

She had been such a _fucking asshole. _

She was an expert on fucking things up with people all the while blaming others for her actions that arose from her egocentric behaviour.

She was the definition of a _fuck up._

Who had she been kidding? She had tried to tell herself she had been angry at the older doctor because she had allegedly been '_stood up'._ As much as she tried to ignore her feelings and try to repress them, in the hope that they would conveniently disappear- she knew she was living under false pretences.

She had Alex's number. Should she text? But what would she say?

_Would a text do justice to what she wanted to say?_

No, this had to be done face to face. There was no other way. For once in your life, deal with things head on Piper. She told herself.

Deal with things by not pretending they do not exist.

For god's sake. _Just for once._

How hard can it be?

Like climbing Mount _fucking _Everest...

_AN: Sorry for the long update! Hopefully it was worth it. Again a long chapter. Judging from feedback people like that, so won't apologise! ;) Again, muchos appreciated for the wonderful reviews. Seeing the reviews gives me motivation to keep updating and writing for you guys. Again, thank you, thank you. Please let me know what you have thought of it. All suggestions are welcome. Enjoy! :) x_


	8. Oh For Fuck's Sake Not Again!

8\. Oh for Fuck's sake, not again!

* * *

A knock sounded. Alex looked up from her work. She stretched her arms and was barely able to contain a deep-seated yawn. It was probably Tom, coming to discuss a few patients with her.

"Come in!"

She resumed with writing out her email response, typing away on the keyboard. It was pushing noon, only a few of these bad boys left. She was already anticipating her lunch, her stomach had been protesting for the last hour or so.

The door opened, she didn't look up and carried on typing.

"Tom! I w-"

Alex stopped herself. Her words lost on her lips.

It wasn't Tom.

No it was _far_ from him.

It was Piper.

Startled, Alex struggled to maintain a sense of feigned nonchalance.

_What on earth was she doing here?_

Unsuprisingly, Alex felt both happy and angry to see her.

There were not many reasons that warranted the young resident to be seeing her. She could only assume she was here to ask where her rounds were taking place this afternoon.

"Rounds are happening in C31, today." Alex said in a tone as neutral as possible before turning her attention back to the computer screen.

When no response came; Alex glanced back up and forced herself to look the blonde in the eye, who had not moved from her spot ever since she had entered the office.

Piper finally spoke, "No I did not come to find about rounds."

Alex raised her eyebrows her irritation beginning to show. "Then why are you here?"

She knew why she was here. _Oh she knew._

She stopped typing, and leant back into her chair, staring. She was _not _going to make it any easier for the blonde.

_No uh. Not in the slightest._

"I uh…"

Alex got the distinct feeling Piper had been rehearsing this moment for a while but it was quite clearly not going to plan.

She crossed her arms, waiting with keen interest.

"So?" She couldn't resist.

"Alex…" Piper started. She took a deep breath, "Look there's been a bit of a misunderstanding…-"

"A bit?" Alex exclaimed incredulously. "I think it's been more than a 'bit', judging from your dramatic reaction that other night."

Alex watched her in disbelief. That was her grand apology? For the last few days or so, her mind had been running around in circles trying to understand where it had all gone wrong. And she came out with this?

Piper didn't say anything. She held her tongue. She was in no position to be arguing the finer points of the events in question.

"Look I was blindsided by, by…-"

"By what exactly?" Alex was not going to let that statement hang.

"By…I don't know." Piper knew the answer with sharp clarity, but could not translate her thoughts into the spoken word. She feared that the way it had sounded her in head would be wholly different to how it would sound when it was said out aloud.

"I should never have just stormed off. I was out of order."

Alex took in the last remark, and deliberated on what to say next. For a minute or so she remained silent.

Piper had gone over what she'd say. What Alex would say. How she would explain herself. Building herself to this pivotal showdown. But there wasn't one. No melodrama. No screams or shouts just arms crossed and an incessant stare.

It was a reaction Piper had not bargained for.

A reaction which hurt her ego.

What did she expect? That Alex would burst into tears at her heartfelt apology?

That she would come running over and envelop her into a hug, all the while declaring undying love to her?

_What did she think this was? _

_A Shakespearean play?_

Piper awkwardly eyed Alex. The silent treatment was a hundred times worse than any angry yelling could ever do. Piper was practically begging for Alex to vent her anger at her. Scream. Shout. Throw hurtful remarks. Hell even resort to a slap of some sort. Anything than _this._

"Don't worry I'm not going to resort to any physical violence." Alex finally said, as if reading Piper's mind.

"Look, I don't know who that Frank guy was, but-"

"He's a mentally unbalanced stalker. Who also happens to be a doorman at my apartment" Alex snapped, cutting Piper off. "A _fucking _psycho with perverted tendencies who makes sandwiches for me that are probably laced with something. I mean why else would a random person offer you sandwiches?"

"Oh." Piper nervously laughed.

"I assure, there is nothing_ fucking_ funny about the situation."

Piper remained silent.

Alex continued, "And frankly, the gall for you to even think that I'd be in some sort of relationship with that creep, disgusts me."

The statement echoed relentlessly through Piper's mind.

She needed to sit down, her feet suddenly began aching. She had been running around the ward all day. Her feet taking a hit. She began to regret ever coming. What had she been thinking? Bursting in like that? She was better off avoiding the older doctor, for the foreseeable future. Yes, it would be awkward and difficult during rounds and surgeries, but if that was what she had to do, then endure _this_. She would happily submit to that.

"If it's any consolation he did look way below your league." Piper muttered.

As much as she was pissed off at Piper's actions; Alex just about managed to conceal a smile from forming across her lips.

"I don't know what else I can say. I know I can't justify my actions with anything else I have left to say…."

Piper fidgeted with her fingers, twisting the cheap ring on her middle finger round and round, until it started to become too painful. She didn't dare to look up; not wanting to see the expression that was surely painted across Alex's face. An expression of dissatisfaction. Of hate. Of dislike. She couldn't help but glance at her watch – and saw that that it had been only five minutes since she had entered Alex's office. Was it really just five minutes? It had felt like it had been hours. A lifetime, even.

"What you did was a pretty shitty thing. Even by your standards." Alex's voice broke through the blonde's thoughts.

What_ standards?_ Alex didn't even know her that well to ascertain any _standards_. Piper looked up forcing herself to make eye contact with her.

"And anyway, I'd be a _fucking _bad supervisor if I didn't at least cut you some slack, even if it happened outside working hours."

Piper's face relaxed; the worried lines across her face, slowly ironing out. She was surprised at Alex's sudden change in mood. The earlier incensed tone had lessened to one that verged on sympathy.

_What brought it on?_

Piper was not going to question it, for fear it would make Alex rethink her actions. And that was the last thing she wanted.

Her earlier vows of avoiding Alex forever seemed like nothing more than a silly proposition now. Of course, Piper couldn't' simply ignore the dark-haired doctor. It would prove to be too hard. An impossible feat. Her intense presence both in the physical and in Piper's chaotic mind had already proven that.

"I must be your worst ever resident that you have had the pleasure of supervising." Piper mumbled.

Alex looked at her amusedly and raised her eyebrows, "Are you fishing for compliments?"

"No! I was just- I just meant…that…you know." She flustered hotly. Her poor attempt at an explanation fell flat.

" I didn't quite catch that."

"Never mind."

Alex laughed, "You have an uncanny flair for never finishing your sentences." She leant forwards and glanced at her computer, "Don't worry. I won't hold it against you. I gathered its part of your warped personality."

"My personality is _not _warped!" She snapped back, unable to stop herself. It came out a _lot _louder than she had intended.

"The first sign of progress is admitting to your problems." Alex simply said.

"I don't have any problems."

"I thought you came here to apologise? Instead you're arguing against something that is as apparent as the sky is blue. So don't waste your breath."

She had a point.

"I am dealing with it."

"Right." Alex replied, her response loaded with sarcasm.

Suddenly a beep sounded, signifying the presence of a new email. A welcome relief from Alex's offensive.

Piper was about to reply but was stopped by Alex's sudden change in expression. She was staring at her computer screen. She slowly took her glasses off and haphazardly threw them onto her desk. They clattered off the desk and fell onto the soft carpet. Alex didn't even notice, she was too focused on the writing on the screen. Piper jumped out of her chair and picked them up before putting them back onto the oak desk.

"What is it?" She circled around the desk and peered at the computer, noticing that it was an email response, sent by an email address named NYPD Citizen Relations. She stopped herself from reading further. It was none of her business. She sat back down.

"Those good for nothing _fucking _imbeciles. I should have _fucking _guessed." Alex hissed through clenched teeth.

Piper regarded Alex with a puzzled expression trying to establish what exactly had warranted for such a strong response. Noticing the confused look on the blonde's face, Alex explained, "It's the police. Apparently they haven't got enough evidence to go forward with any kind of action."

"The stalker?"

"Who else but dear old Frank?"

"Can you not get a restraining order?"

Alex laughed. Not one filled with mirth but one that betrayed incredulity and anger.

"They are doing _fuck all_. Not even a measly restraining order."

"Are they not even looking at the case?"

"Well according to New York's not so finest; there is _no_ case."

"Oh Alex. I'm sorry."

"Don't be."

Alex suddenly stood up and faced the window, surveying the traffic below – her shoulder tensed. Not saying anything. Piper didn't know what to do. Should she comfort her? _And do what exactly?_

Piper had long concluded that Alex was perfectly capable in looking after herself.

"That _motherfucker _ruined everything."

Piper struggled not to flinch - she read between the lines. The ambiguity of the utterance not lost on Piper. She was overcome with guilt and had a sudden urge to hug Alex to tell her not to worry and everything was going to be okay. But she knew that only happened in movies.

This was reality. This was real life. A harsh place where clichés and stereotypes never fared well.

Against her better judgment Piper stood up and came up behind Alex, not really sure on what her intentions were. Or if she had _any_ intentions at all. Later looking back, she would analyse her next actions time and time again. To the point, where she would nearly drive herself insane. But for now...

She stared at Alex's back. Hesitating.

Her hand tentatively touching the fabric of Alex's white coat before circling it around her waist. She had no idea what she was doing. It was as if an unknown external force was controlling her mind and initiating actions without her apparent say-so. Or was it just her subconscious acting on her behalf? Free from the logic and hesitancy that came with the conscious mind. _  
_

Alex turned around. Facing Piper. Their faces no more than a hair breadth away from each other. Piper stared into Alex's eyes. Searching for even the tiniest clue. For that tell-tale flicker of anticipation. _Lust. Want. _

Their gaze remained steadfast. Unwavering. Unfaltering.

Her fingers reached for Alex's neck, stroking her nape in soft, delicate patterns, tracing the outline of her collarbone before coming to a rest at the back of her neck. Alex did not resist her advances instead her green eyes were alight with the fiery force of need. Piper's lips parted. She stared, almost forgetting to breath.

It felt like time had stood still. Noises stilled. Senses heightened.

And then it happened.

The feel of Alex's lips on hers was incredible. Piper savoured the moment relishing every second of it. Alex reciprocated the kiss, pressing harder against Piper. The kiss quickly transforming from a gentle embrace into a fevered clinch filled with hunger and longing.

"This is…unexpected." Alex breathily quipped in between kisses.

"I don't know…what happened." Piper replied. It took all her energy to break contact to just articulate those few words.

"It can keep on happening." Alex said in a husky voice which only served to turn Piper's legs into jelly.

Piper felt Alex's smile against her lips. Their mouths crashed against one another - desperate not to lose physical connection, even for a split second. Piper grabbed Alex's face, her hands running through her soft, dark hair, at the same time pushing her against the glass panel. She felt Alex's hands snaking their way underneath her silk blouse, clamping her hands around Piper's waist, working their way up.

_Slow down_

A voice suddenly hummed in Piper's inner ear.

_Do not do this. She's your superior. This is not going to end well. It **never** ends well. _

Piper started to pull away, hanging onto a rapidly fraying thread of control. Just one measly thread was all that separated reason from desire. Before she could go further, Alex yanked her back, shoving her against the desk, kissing her hard. The thread of control all but ripped apart.

A knock sounded, before a split second later the door to Alex's office flew open.

They sprang apart. Piper swivelled around. Thinking for a second it was that Frank again.

It was Dr Feldman. His expression one of astonishment and shock ; judging from the wide eyes and dropped jaw.

Piper swallowed hard.

_Why did this keep happening?_

"I'm sorry. I'll come back." He uttered before closing the door behind them just as fast as he had entered.

Piper looked up at Alex, who had slumped into her chair, sighing miserably. Piper waited for Alex to say something.

Anything. Something.

"Our timing's shit to say the least." Alex murmured, glancing at Piper, who had not yet spoken a word, and was glued to the spot.

A sudden horror filled feeling swept across Piper's body. Making her stomach roil and her head throb.

_What the fuck had she done? What was wrong her? _

She came her to seek reconciliation and now she had made an even bigger mess of things.

"This was a mistake." She said in a barely steady voice.

"What?" Alex looked up from her lap.

"This was a _fucking_ mistake. This should not have happened!" Piper could hear her voice taking on a high-pitched quality.

"It didn't look like a mistake to me." Alex said in a forced voice.

"What the _hell _are we doing?" Piper answered her own question, "You're my supervisor! You write my end of placement reviews! It's, it's a conflict of interest!"

Alex simply stared in disbelief, "I can't _fucking _believe you. What the hell-" But she was cut off by Piper's by now full on hysteric ramblings.

"I can't afford to mess up. My parents, my parents are counting on me. My neighbourhood is counting on me. I came to _fucking _New York to push my career further, not to get involved with my attendings."

"Your neighbourhood? Who gives a shit about your neighbourhood. They don't govern your life."

"You don't know these people! I can't fail. I just can't."

Alex shook her head, "It's not the apocalypse. Calm down."

"I have exams. I should be revising. I should be studying. I should be…-"

Piper was aware of how childish she came across but it was the truth. Where she came from, people expected you to become a high achiever. The typical upstanding WASP that she was. But no! Instead here she was making out with her attending who also happened to be a _fucking_ woman.

"Piper, calm the _fuck _down."

"The last thing I should be doing is, is...getting involved with you."

Alex stood up and walked towards Piper.

"Alex. I can't." Backing away from Alex and heading towards the door. "I can't do _this. _I'm sorry."

There was a pause, they just stared at each other.

"Don't worry. There never was a _this."_

"Alex…-"

"No, you made it quite clear. I heard you. Don't let me keep you waiting." Alex said in a cold voice.

Without emitting another word, Piper turned around, opened the door and left.

_It was all for the best. Wasn't it? _

_But then why did she feel like she had made the worst possible mistake of her life? _

Unnerved by the turn in events, Piper swallowed hard. She nearly crashed into someone walking in the opposite direction of the narrow corridor.

"Sorry." She looked up and saw that it was Dr Feldman. He looked at her—his eyes expressing disgust and repulsion. Without saying a word he brushed past her, heading towards Alex's door.

Piper hurried to the lift, wanting to get out of the hospital as fast as she could.

She'd deal with this at a later period.

_Had she just ruined her chances of working at this hospital? Would she be disciplined?_

She'd cross to that bridge when she came to it.

_But what if that bridge was crumpled to pieces. Reduced to rubble? What then?_

_What then?_

* * *

Alex's head hurt. Like really, really hurt. Hurt from the confusion and trying to second-guess what exactly had happened.

_Again._

Piper was confusing. _Fucking confusing._ She had been trying to understand what the stance was on their relationship.

_Could she even call it a relationship?_

_More like a series of actions and words._

This was harder to understand than playing a crossword in a foreign language. Hell, she'd take the crossword over _this _any day of the year.

Someone knocked on the door.

_Not again. Please go away and let me come to terms with what just happened in peace._

"Alex?"

She recognised Tom's baritone voice. Sighing, Alex walked towards the door and reluctantly opened it. She walked back to her desk chair and prepared herself for the inevitable onslaught.

Tom was one of the few colleagues she genuinely got on with. She would even consider him a good friend. Although they rarely socialised outside work; their working relationship was one that Alex valued dearly. Through the years they had supported each other with their works. Alex knew she could count on him with whatever bothered her, and vice versa.

"What was all that about?" He leant against her desk playing with the glass snow-globe she had bought on whim many Christmases ago. He was looking at her expectantly.

"It was nothing."

Even she knew how pathetic of a response that was but she really did not have the energy to explain anything to anyone. Too be honest, Alex didn't know what she would be explaining. She herself did not really know the answer.

"It looked way more than nothing."

She clasped her fingers and spoke, "It was a case of the infatuated junior and the _fucking _gullible senior."

Tom tilted his head, puzzled at her laconic answer. Alex forced a breezy laugh and just shook her head. Closing her eyes.

She needed a coffee. No cross that.

She need _fucking _alcohol.

Lots of it.

_AN: This was so hard to write. I've re-written this chapter so many times. But finally managed to write something resembling a chapter! Had a nasty case of the dreaded writer's block together with being swamped with uni work. Apologies, folks. _

_As always please, please review. I'd love to know your thoughts. In the meantime, love you all! xx :) _


	9. I can't get you outta my head

9\. I Can't Get You Outta my Head.

* * *

"And he abandoned me for pizza! A _fucking _no cheese pizza!" Polly exclaimed, "Who the hell eats a 'no cheese' pizza?"

Piper had been half-listening to Polly's relationship woes for the past hour with a feigned interest that managed to work up until now. From the snippets she had picked up she gathered that it was something to do with pizza and a blind date? Although she couldn't be entirely sure.

They were having a lazy Saturday evening; nestled contently on their ancient second-hand, albeit comfortable sofa - watching Polly's favourite show; _Keeping up with the Kardashians. _It had been Polly's turn to take control of the remote that evening.

It was the most mind-numbing piece of television that Piper ever had the misfortune of encountering. People actually wasted their time watching this drivel?

_More importantly who commissioned it and had deemed it fit for TV?_

She was genuinely worried, that for every minute she carried on watching, her brain cells were slowly melting away. Irreversibly.

If someone asked her to define the meaning of friendship, she would without hesitation, drag the asker to this scene. That alone should be answer enough.

_Oh the things she endured._

Now more than ever, she had to preserve these so-called brain cells for her upcoming residency exams. The date had been looming closer and closer.

Residency exams reminded her of Litchfield Hospital, which in turn invariably reminded her of a certain attending. Her thoughts had for these few days inevitably drifted back to Alex.

She lazily wondered what she would be doing right now. Was she an early bird? Or a person who loved their Saturday morning lie-ins?

_Piper stopped herself. What was she doing? She had promised herself not to get herself get sucked in anything remotely Alex-related. _

_Good job, Piper._

_Not._

She hadn't seen the doctor this entire past week. A welcome relief following her ill-fated breakdown the last time they had seen each other. Piper's timetable had barely permitted much contact with Alex. Sadly, she was grateful. Grateful to the computer programme which had randomly generated these rotas.

Ridiculous of course. But these were the desperate heights she had reached during her plight in avoiding the woman who just would not leave her mind.

This whole weekend, Piper had been trying to convince herself she had done the right thing. The logical thing.

_Surely?_

When she had finally felt somewhat committed to her decision, the flickers of doubts would niggle at her mind again, like the tiny cracks that appeared on a car windscreen, before eventually cracking and shattering the glass.

And then the whole process would start again. A vicious, never-ending cycle.

"Piper!" Polly yelled before punching her friend on the shoulder.

"Ow!" She was unceremoniously jerked out of her thoughts, "What the hell was that for?"

"Are you even listening to anything I've been saying?"

"Was that punch necessary?" Piper muttered, whilst heatedly rubbing the spot where Polly just punched her.

"Yeah, it definitely was. Well it worked didn't it?"

"Okay, okay sorry. You were saying?"

"So yeah. So I texted him – no way am I going to call him, right – and told him not to bother ever contacting me ever again." Polly slid back into her story, "Man, it was so _fucking _embarrassing and. I swear I was going to..."

Polly's ramblings, once again slowly drowned out.

_What would she do, come Monday?_

_Nothing!_

_Yes that's exactly what she would do. Absolutely nothing._

_Time heals wounds._

_Does that include emotional wounds too?_

"…You've got a message from Alex."

Piper was once again, jolted from her internal monologue. She abruptly sat upright, whipped around, her heart skipping a beat, "What!" She blurted a little too loud.

Polly was holding Piper's phone aloft, one eyebrow raised, looking at Piper - with no intention of giving her the phone. Piper frowned, her patience rapidly wearing thin. _What was she playing at?_

"Well, give it to me then, what are you waiting for?"

Why would Alex text her?

Was it work-related?

Yes, that's probably it.

_Then why did her insides feel like they were performing cartwheels when her brain had registered the doctor's name_?

_Fuck this._

Polly slowly started, "I said I was getting married."

"Then I said I was going to kill the neighbour's cat."

_What was she talking about?_

"Huh?" Confused, Piper searched Polly's face, which remained deadly serious.

"When that didn't get your attention..." Piper groaned inwardly when the realisation hit her, "Polly-"

"No." Polly cut her off raising her palm, gesturing Piper to be quiet, "When that didn't get your attention, I said the magical word, or name even, that _always _grabs your attention. Alex"

"Pol, I'm sorry. I've just had a lot on my plate these past few days."

Piper realised what a bitch she was being. There was no point in even justifying herself, it would just make things worse.

"Clearly." Polly tritely replied.

Attempting to inject some humour back into the conversation, Piper mused, "From what I _did _manage to hear - that douche-bag sounds like a right asshole. You deserve way, way better."

"Okay, okay." Polly held her hands up, "No need to go overboard with the sickly sweetness."

"Me? Never."

"Don't think I've forgiven you."

"Pol, come on I said I'm sorry."

"That was a lame-ass attempt at an apology. Let's face it."

"Come on!" Piper protested, "I'm begrudgingly watching Kim _Mega-Ass_ Kardashian with you. The fact that I endure your questionable tastes in TV, says a lot about my love for you."

"Leave Kimmy out of this! She has done nothing to you!" She retorted, giving Piper a playful nudge.

"She's burned my eyes." Changing the subject; Piper hesitated, "So Alex didn't message me?"

"Nope. Sorry." Polly responded, in the most unapologetic tone.

"Ouch."

Glad that Polly didn't hold her grudge for too long, Piper relaxed into the sofa sipping her glass of wine and glanced at the TV. The reprieve didn't last long.

"And anyway, what happened with you and our _favourite_ attending?"

"Could you be anymore sarcastic?"

"No uh, you're not getting out of this. You've practically been a recluse since… about Wednesday."

A number of comebacks came to mind, but Piper chose a more conservative response,

"Am not."

"Defensive. Speaks volumes." Her friend responded, lips pursed.

Polly was too smart for her own good. It had always been her quick-thinking that saved them from compromising situations during their high school years. But now, unfortunately it was working firmly against Piper' favour.

_Damn._

After a hefty internal debate, Piper grudgingly spilt the beans. She had been confessing a lot lately. She ought to save her confessions for a priest. At least they would not be sporting satisfied expressions on their faces like Polly's was now.

Piper glossed over certain details, for instance, the kiss and the ensuing shit-storm that had occurred afterwards. There's only so much information Piper could divulge before it became too much. When she finished she walked to the kitchen and refilled her wine glass.

Only a drink would get her through the inescapable questions that Polly would no doubt be firing at her soon. No sooner had Piper returned to the sofa, Polly spoke her two-cents worth.

"Jeez! When I said reconcile, I most definitely don't remember saying; go out and get amorous and proceed to french-kiss her face off."

Polly really didn't gloss over the minutiae did she? The words 'bull' and 'china-shop' came to Piper's mind.

"It's not like I planned it out! And anway, I told her straight up this couldn't happen again. She's my _fucking _senior."

Polly's lips twitched, Piper shot her a warning glare, taking a healthy gulp from her glass, "And I have exams coming up. I can't afford to mess up."

"Wow! All of this shit with you and her. I really wanna meet this Alex. See what all the fuss is about. She'd better be good-looking for her to be worth all this soap opera drama."

Polly looked at her with eager eyes, "Is she? Is she hot?"

_Oh she was hot alright. _

Piper stared at her dumbfounded, "Wait a minute. You're the one who said I shouldn't be getting involved with seniors."

"Paying no attention to Piper's indignant replies, Polly thought out aloud, "Don't they do it all the time. On Grey's Anatomy? And ER? Like everyone is always making out with everyone?"

Not even wanting to answer her, "Are you really drawing parallels with fictional shows. Really?"

"Okay, okay." Polly sighed her face turning thoughtful, "Why not change supervisors? What's the big deal?"

Piper's eyes widened. She turned to Polly and not-so subtly stared. Her smile a mile wide.

"What?"

"That's the first actual useful thing you've said all day." Piper said, practically grinning from ear to ear.

Polly grimaced, "Thanks. I think?"

How had she not thought of this before? The easiest of solutions had been staring her right in the face, this whole time.

It was so _god-damn_ simple.

_Wasn't it?_

* * *

_It was for the best. Wasn't it?_

Piper was stood in front of Dr Fitzgerald's office.

"Ah Dr Chapman! Come on in!"

She hesitantly stepped in.

_She could turn back now. It was not too late._

The whole journey into the hospital Piper had been convincing herself she was doing the right thing.

Never in her life had she felt so unsure about something than she had at during this moment. She reminded herself that nothing but bad would come from being around the doctor.

As hard as it was, she had to admit that she had missed seeing Alex around during the previous week. It had felt like something had been missing from her daily grind at the hospital.

She sighed for one final moment before her legs stubbornly carried her into the cavernous office of Dr Fitzgerald's. The last time she had been here was her very first day. Fresh. Leaping into the unknown. It had seemed like a century ago.

How time flies.

"Take a seat! Take a seat!"

Piper took her seat and crossed her hands, unsure on how to start the conversation. before she opened her mouth, Fitzgerald spoke, "How have you been settling in?"

"Great, sir. It's a great hospital."

"Yes indeed. One of the best!" He offered her a cup of coffee, but she politely declined. "So how can I help you?"

_It is now or never_

"I wanted to put forward a request to change my current supervisor."

The director looked pleasantly surprised, he removed his glasses and leant back in his chair. She had his attention now.

"And may I ask why?"

Piper's unease sharpened, she fidgeted with her fingers. She felt like the walls were closing in on her, the place felt claustrophobic despite the enormity of the office. She looked out of the window, the grey Monday morning skies doing nothing to uplift her mood. She shifted in her seat and sat up straight and looked him in the eye

_Because I am head over heels for a fucking hot woman who just happens to be the very reason I'm sat here. A gorgeous, sexy and smart doctor, who doesn't understand the concept of boundaries. _

_Damn you Alex. _

Instead she answered, "I feel that the current placement limits me in terms of my learning."

"Learning?" Piper watched him drop a sugar cube in his coffee, watching it dissolve into the dark liquid. Oh how she wished her problems could just dissolve away but she had come to understand her life just didn't work like that.

"I'm interested in neurosurgery rather than cardiology, which is the current placement I'm on." She elaborated.

"Neuro-surgery? But your résumé states here that your career aspiration is to pursue the field of cardiology?"

"I feel like cardiology is no longer the speciality for me."

_She loved all things cardio. But if this is what she had to do, then so be it. _

Piper cringed, she wondered just how believable she sounded. She hoped she did.

"That's a very big leap, are you sure about that?"

"I'm very sure." The lies and deceit were killing her.

Fitzgerald shrugged his shoulders and popped his glasses back on, looking at his computer screen. "Very well."

Piper looked up, unsure on what was happening now. _Was that it? Just a simple very well?_ She did not expect it to be have gone as easy as it did just now. She heard the printer whirring, he stood up and picked a form that the printer just spat out and gave it to her.

"That's a form that you fill out. Sign it and bring it back to me. And I'll send it to your new supervisor." He said in a pleasant tone.

"Thanks, sir."

Piper blew a silent sigh of relief, _that was nowhere near as bad as she thought it_ _was_ _going to be_, smiling she grabbed her bag and was putting her jacket on when the doctor spoke, "As long as your previous supervisor is happy. And your previous supervisor was..." He glanced at the rota in front of him, "Dr Vause, then there should be no problems."

Piper stopped in her tracks, her heart sinking. She felt a knot rising in her throat. Nothing was ever easy in the grand life that was Piper Chapman.

"What do you mean?"

"She just has to sign the bottom of the form to acknowledge the change in supervisors and that's it."

Fitzgerald cocked his head, a puzzled expression painting his features. He must have caught her face which probably looked like death now. "Is there a problem?"

"No. No problem." She nodded weakly.

"Have a good day!" His sickly pleasant tone felt like a violation against her deflated mood.

She closed the door behind her, clutching the form in her hand.

Just sign there. Yeah you may as well have asked me to swim the fucking Atlantic Ocean. And she knew which task she'd rather pick.

* * *

Alex glanced up from her reading to realise that the sun had set and she had been sat in a nearly darkened office for the past hour or so. The day had been a long one. She couldn't wait to put her feet up.

Alex looked at her watch. It was nearing seven. The only plus of finishing at this late hour, was that at least the rush hour traffic had eased by now making the return journey slightly more bearable. She rubbed her eyes, the tiredness was catching up with her.

She was about to close her computer down when it announced she had received an email; she quickly opened it, intent on going home after this.

She slowly read it. When she finished she pushed her glasses off - unsure what to make of the unexpected email. The return address was from the medical director; Dr Fitzgerald.

Suddenly she was in no rush to go home, she pushed herself back into her seat and rested her chin against her closed fingers. She swivelled around her chair facing the window, the scenery below had come to serve as a useful distraction for when she was deep in thought. She sat like that for a few minutes of contemplation.

She couldn't blame her. Her feelings were in absolute turmoil, emotions and thoughts swirling in and out of her consciousness so that one minute she felt utterly crestfallen, the next she understood the motives behind Piper's actions.

Surprisingly, she felt content. She had come to accept Piper's reservations with regards to their relationship. But why keep coming to her and suck her into a false sense of security? The blonde was the one who came to her office and kissed _her. _She didn't ask for it.

No far from it.

Although she wasn't going to say no either. She did have to admit she was supposed to be the responsible party, but it was so difficult to be responsible when a certain blonde resident was in her life.

_Piper. Piper._

Alex carried on reading the rest of the email. She noted the need for Piper to obtain a signature from Alex. She smiled., she wouldn't object. As much as it pained her she would respect the young resident's decision. Her eyes grew wide when she read who Piper's next supervisor was going to be.

She chuckled ruefully. Piper Chapman was _not _going to be a happy bunny.

_Ouch. _

_Fucking ouch._

* * *

**_Dear Dr Chapman,_**

**_It is to my delight to be appointed as your supervisor for the duration of your neuro-surgery rotation. Please meet for rounds at 10.00 on W64, bringing with you your white coat and stethoscope._**

**_Best wishes,_**

**_Simon Knight MD_**

Piper was sat in teaching when she received an email on her phone. She smiled to herself. Dr Knight seemed like a nice enough man judging from the email.

The lecture had finished, and students began packing their books and laptops back into their bags, heading towards the exits. Piper joined the crowd, when she was nudged by someone behind her. She turned around and was greeted by the wild-haired Nicky.

"Hey Chapman. Haven't seen your ass here in a while."

"Nice to see you too."

"Heard you changed to surgery."

They were halfway out of the hall, when Piper looked at Nicky, her mouth gaping open.

"Who told you that?"

"Woah. You might wanna close that mouth of yours before you dislocate your jaw."

"Who told you?" Piper repeated, desperation edging into her voice. Did Alex tell them? Oh god, why?

"I just noticed your name was off the rota. That's all. Plus I'm doing a taster week in neuro, so I might see you during rounds.

" They were stood in front of the elevator waiting for it to take them to the floor where the cafeteria was located.

"Oh." Piper's shoulders relaxed.

"Why neuro?"

"Why not?"

"I never took you for someone who preferred blood and guts. And brain in this case."

_She didn't. _Even the words were enough for her to feel slightly nauseous.

Piper glared at Nicky.

The automated voice announced that they had arrived at their desired floor, Piper stepped off, adjusting the strap of her satchel over her shoulder, not even bothering responding to Nicky's on point observations.

"You sure it hasn't got anything to do with you and Vause?"

"Why would it?" Piper replied, whilst walking towards the entrance of the dining hall.

"I don't know. You tell me."

"There's nothing to tell."

"Was it those glasses that did it for you? Or the face? i have had many a dream featuring sexy-glasses, but alas, she hates my guts. "Nicky sighed wistfully. "I mean you could give it a try? On my behalf?"

Disturbed by Nicky's revelations, as well as fast growing tired of the tirade of questions she announced: "Look I'll see you later. I realised I had a packed lunch. Sorry."

Without waiting for a response, Piper kept walking, determined not to let Nicky see how close she had gotten to the truth.

She had yet got Alex to sign that god-forsaken form. She felt like her bag was weighed down by that single sheet of paper, the bag already painfully digging into her shoulder. She may as well do it now. Get it over and done with. Otherwise, she would never do it.

Resolute in her decision, she took the elevator to the sixth floor, ignoring the fact her heart felt like it was going to rip out her chest. Her nerves were wrought with anticipation and dread. She swore under her breath in an effort to inject some adrenaline into her.

She arrived at Alex's door, staring at the gold-plated plaque fixed onto the oak door. She knew she was in her office she had already checked the rota prior to her coming. She stood there for what felt like an age. She could hear Alex typing on her keyboard, suddenly grateful for the flimsy partition separating them.

_Right okay_, she said out aloud, in a weak attempt to muster her resolve, she clasped her hand - poised to knock.

Minutes passed.

Her fist hung uselessly in mid-air. Piper could feel the rising trepidation in her legs. She put her arm back down.

She raised her hand again, staring at the door, before defeatedly placing it by her side again.

_Right, fuck this! She couldn't do this. She didn't **want **to do this. This was all wrong. Just so fucking wrong. _

She took a few tentative steps backwards still staring at the door, hoping that Alex somehow sensed she was here and opened the door, saving Piper from doing it herself. Nothing of the sort happened.

She told herself she'd come back. She'd come back when she had a bit more of that elusive _shit_ people always seemed to have bucket-loads of. What was it called again?

Oh yeah.

A little something called _having guts_. Something she did not have.

At least when it concerned Alex.

_And anyway she was late for rounds._

_/_

She arrived at the neuro-surgical ward, just as the group of residents were moving on to the next patient. She had practically ran down the three floors it took to get to this ward, changed into her blue scrubs at record-speed and sprinted the remainder of the way. She was aware how out of breath she was, she wearily approached the group, sticking her notebook into the tiny pocket of her scrubs hoping she could slip next to the residents unnoticed.

But that was wishful thinking.

"Dr Chapman, I assume? How nice of you to join us." A sharp voice spoke behind her. She turned around facing the man behind the voice.

"Yes, sir." _Oh shit._

To call Dr Knight a tall man was in itself an overstatement. He was as tall as they come.

A handsome sculpted face with grey piercing eyes and thin lips. Piper guessed he was in his late fifties. Despite wearing scrubs he carried himself with a pompous rigidity akin to that of Victorian aristocracy. He continuously stroked the stethoscope around his neck as if to constantly prove he was indeed a doctor.

"Do you have an issue with punctuality?" His voice had a silver-tongued quality to it.

"No sir." she replied in a barely heard whisper.

"Then why do you feel the need to stroll in," He glanced at his Rolex, "Exactly seventeen minutes after my rounds were scheduled to start?"

Piper remained silent.

_Shit. What had she brought herself into? _

She could feel all eyes trained on her. She looked at the doctor, his demeanour was one that did not encourage conversation. _Was this really the same person who emailed her that pleasant courtesy?_

"Apologies.

"And why _on earth _are you wearing a white coat?"

She suddenly realised she was the only person wearing her coat over her scrubs, everyone else was just wearing scrubs. She was thoroughly confused.

"Your email said that...-"

"What email?"

"The email that you sent this morning?"

"Oh, that's probably my secretary. She sends emails on my behalf. I'm too busy to read emails."

Piper's veneer of calm broke and she could feel her heart sinking. She quickly slid her coat off and slung it over her arm. She should have known.

Satisfied with her action, Knight continued addressing the residents – some of whom were sporting a _you-rather-than-me_ expression. Piper spotted Nicky amongst the group. She gave a nod of acknowledgement. Piper nodded back.

"So what's the answer?"

Piper looked up, startled she was being addressed - she instinctively averted her gaze.

"Yes you. I'm talking to you."

_Oh god. _

"Sorry, sir. I didn't catch the question." She said in a steady tone that she was damn proud of.

"Either you must be on your menstrual period and suffering from the physical effects of the never-proven phenomenon named PMS or you're just plain deaf."

Piper was lost for words.

_Did he really just say that? _

She was acutely aware that apart from her and Nicky everyone else was male. Of course. The field of neurosurgery was still very much a boy's club. Not many women ventured into this speciality exactly because of reasons like this.

"Well which is it?"

"Neither." She replied, glaring.

She wanted to punch his smug face and wipe that stupid smirk off his conceited face. Piper could see he was contemplating on what to say next, but thought against it, instead he resumed with reading a patient file.

"Women and their hormonal tempers." She heard him mutter under his breath.

She shook her head, she couldn't' believe that misogynistic assholes like him still existed. And why the _fuck_ had no one complained about this as she doubted this was the first time it had happened.

Halfway during the rounds, Piper was answering a question Knight had asked her, "The signs of stroke include…-" When she was interrupted.

"Surgery, huh?" A voice whispered behind her. So close that could Piper could feel the warm breath practically caressing the exposed skin of her neck. It was an insanely husky voice. Who else but Alex?

"Ah Alex! How nice of you to join us!" Knight exclaimed in an overly jovial tone.

"Simon, I was just checking up on these fine young residents." She said, making a point of looking around it." Don't mind me. I'm just observing."

"Not at all. Not at all." He gestured.

Piper could not help but question Alex's motives. She had a feeling Alex did not drop by here accidentally. Piper's immediate reaction was annoyance but that was quickly replaced by delight. Which pleasantly surprised her.

"Carry on. Don't mind me." Alex directed at her, still standing ridiculously close behind her.

"The signs of stroke include, uh, include…sorry. Include weakness, and uh…"

Piper could not concentrate on constructing a coherent sentence, much less recite the signs of stroke when an annoyingly self-assured person stood no less than a few inches behind her. Piper was too aware. Too affected.

Piper tried again, "Which included weakness, and...slurring, slurring...so weakness and-"

"Thank you for that drawn out answer Chapman." Knight announced in a patronising tone.

Oh god, if she didn't know any better , it sounded like _she_ was having a full-on stroke.

Putting Piper out of her torture, Alex announced she had to go, thanked Knight and walked off but not before glancing at Piper and giving her a wink. Piper felt a blush developing under her scrub collar. She quickly glanced around the group to make sure no one had noticed anything.

She made eye contact with Nicky who had a knowing mischievous glint in her eye.

_Thanks Alex._

* * *

It was the evening, Piper had finished rounds, had gone to the library, before heading to the changing room to get changed out of her scrubs and go home.

"He's a _fucking _woman-hating _asshole._"

Piper was on the phone to Polly, she had to vent her anger and disbelief at someone. And that someone was Polly.

"Pipes, you're the one who changed supervisors to avoid you-know-who. You kinda have to deal with it now."

Piper scoffed at Polly's nickname for Alex, "She's not Voldemort, Pol."

"Who?"

"Never mind." She replied smiling, reminded yet again on her and Polly's very differing tastes in literature.

"And then she had the nerve to come and see me during rounds, I mean what the hell!" Expecting Polly to agree with her, Piper waited for her friend's sympathetic response.

"Oh my god! She actually came to see you, like in the flesh? Oh the scandal!" Her friend said in mock-horror.

"Funny."

"I mean if she touched you as well. She needs to be_ fucking_ locked up, cause that is just down-right criminal!"

"Okay, okay. Jeez!"

"Pipes, you're in so much denial. Like you've changed your supervisors and you're still not happy."

Piper thought about that for a second. Holding the phone against her ear, absentmindedly picking at her scrub shoes. She quickly glanced around to make sure no one was in the locker room with her,

"She drives me crazy." She said lowering her voice.

"In a good way?"

_In a I-want-to-get-in-her-pants-kind-of-way_

"In a kinda good way. But also in a _fucking _bad way."

"Sounds ominous."

"I don't know. I feel like she brings the worst out in me. " _But also the darn good. "_It's like I lose my sense of reason and control...It's weird."

"I really, really need to meet her." Polly said more to herself than at Piper.

"My law firm is so fucking boring compared to your hospital adventures. I wish my work was as exciting."

"Pol, it's not a drama."

"Sure as hell feels like it."

"What would my mum think of all this?" Piper muttered miserably.

"WASP upbringing is rearing it's head again."

"I know."

Piper could not help but agree with Polly's sentiments. "Pol, I gotta go, I'll be home in a few hours, leave some of that carrot cake for me."

"I'll try."

"I'm being serious!"

"Okay, okay. I'll see ya later."

"Bye."

Piper pressed the end button, put her phone down and opened the locker to take out her clothes and bag. She was in a middle of getting dressed when she heard the door behind her open and close in quick succession.

"Nice colour." A voice asked behind her - referring to her pink bra.

Startled, Piper spun around, dropping her scrub top she just pulled over her shoulders onto the linoleum floor. She knelt awkwardly to retrieve it. As she grabbed the top, she looked up to see Alex gazing down at her with an annoyingly lopsided grin.

"I may be an attending, but I'm not royalty. There's really no need to kneel."

* * *

_AN: I hope you've enjoyed this chapter, as much as I enjoyed writing it, folks. I promise you that plenty of Vauseman still to come. This chapter was more of a connector between the previous and the next._

_ Just out of interest, I'd love to know people's ages so get an idea on the demographic that reads this fic. Like always, please, please review. I'd love to hear all of your thoughts! Hearty thanks to all the commenters/followers and readers of course. xx :)_

_EDIT: I'm 23 btw ;) _


	10. I'm sorry

10\. I'm Sorry.

* * *

Half-dressed. Practically bowing. Clothes strewn around her. Not to mention her face turning into a worrying shade of red – Piper could not have been caught at a worse time.

Even if she tried.

The rather apt "rabbit caught in headlights" phrase randomly came to mind.

Substitute _"rabbit"_ for a nothing-but-pink-bra-wearing Piper and _"headlights"_ to Alex's currently amused smirk and you were left with a scene straight out of a comedy. In another life - that preferably wasn't hers - Piper might have let out a laugh or two.

But not today.

Instead; attempting to salvage _some_ semblance of modesty - Piper sprang into action – hastily covering herself with her scrub top she had removed minutes earlier. The top suddenly felt like it had nowhere near enough material. With difficulty, she lifted her gaze to Alex's who was casually leaning against a table. Totally unperturbed by the situation at hand. If anything she looked like she was enjoying the whole thing a tad _too_ much ; judging from the not-so-subtle half-smirk occupying her infuriatingly attractive face.

_Oh that perpetual smirk._

Piper stood up.

She had so much to say. So much to ask. But at the same, was weirdly, out of words. It was as if her brain had been ransacked of all things speech, leaving nothing put mute thoughts behind. Multiple feelings crowded her already saturated mind – all fighting to be voiced out loud. _Who? What? When?_ But mostly the whys.

"Why are you here?" She eventually asked.

_So much for appearing articulate. _

"Why am I here?" Alex replied airily.

_Oh Alex. Still answering questions with questions_

"Yes, I mean,-" Piper hesitated, "What do you _want_?" She clutched her scrub top closer to her chest, feeling mightily exposed all of a sudden. The young resident wondered how on earth she was going to dress herself under Alex's penetrating stare.

At this rate, never by the looks of things.

"I wasn't aware I was barred from the locker room." Alex responded, her gaze directed at Piper's chest – where it had been resting ever since she had entered the room.  
Incensed, Piper protested, "Do you mind! I'm actually here." She gestured to her face.

Alex slowly looked up, painfully taking her time and finally regarded Piper.

"Oh sorry. The view was too distracting."

"Do you know how inappropriate that sounds?"

"Do you really want me to answer that?" Alex asked in a serious tone, "Or was that a rhetorical question?"

Ignoring the woman's question, Piper purposefully walked to a changing cubicle she had just noticed and pointedly closed the door behind her - latching the lock.

_Why had she not noticed that before?_

After a few minutes she stepped out, expecting Alex to have gone but to her _not _surprise the doctor was still there. Still nonchalantly leaning against the table.

They hadn't left on the best of notes, so why was Alex so…_unbothered? _Piper thought back to _the_ events that had occurred at Alex's office. That's what she had it boiled it down to. An impersonal sequence of events. But that was _not _what that kiss had been. It had been _anything _but impersonal. Hot, passionate and everything that Piper had dreamed about.

And she wanted more of it.

She physically cringed when she thought of how it had been cut short, wincing even further when she recalled her juvenile outburst that occurred shortly afterwards. That's what exasperated Piper so much about the woman stood opposite her. She never took anything serious - well from the few weeks she had known her anyway.

Or was it Piper who indulged in masochistic tendencies by wanting people to deliver scathing attacks, each time she was in the wrong?

_Sometimes deservedly so. _

Oh man, a psychologist would have a field day with her.

_Thanks mum, for shaping me into the wonderful person that I am today_

"Alex," Piper began after plucking her nerve, "I don't know what mind games you're playing – but unless you have anything relevant to say…" She let the statement hang, allowing Alex to fill in the gaps.

"Wow Mind games? That's rich, considering it is _you _who approaches me and then _fucks off _when she gets cold feet."

Piper grimaced. _That was true_. But why could Alex not understand her reasoning behind it?

_Goddammit! _

Piper valued her professional career too much to let it go to _shit. Hell she had worked way too hard for it. _She had been inadvertently thrown into a game of push and pull with Alex. Never had someone. Or something even – attracted her so much. But that was where both the good and bad came from. Alex was danger. Hot lava that shouldn't be touched but instead only admired from afar.

"I can't deal with this. I have exams. I have a residency placement to pass."

"Can't deal with what?"

Things were not being made easier for her. No _far_ from it.

"Us. _This. _I can't deal with it, don't you get that?"

Alex laughed, "Oh no. I _do _get it But I think it's _you _that hasn't quite grasped that concept yet. You're the one who keeps breaking their _own _promises. Don't blame me when you run off when you feel the _shit _is hitting the fan."

Piper stayed silent. She opened her mouth to speak but was interjected.

"Anyway, I just came here to sign your form, I figured I'll do it sooner rather than later."

Piper felt her defenses fall away cursing Alex's timing. She felt like a _shitheap _right now. The young resident frowned, hang on. How did she know about the form that had caused her so much angst and misery over the past day.

"How do you know…?"

"How do I know, what?" Alex asked bewildered.

"About the form…"

"Fitzgerald. Emailed me. Not to mention your absence at _my _rounds and your presence at Dr Knight's rounds. All of that pretty much gave it away."

_Of course_

_D'oh_

"Oh"

Red-faced, Piper fumbled in her bag in search for the wretched _form,_ making an effort not to appear flustered. Finally after few fleeting minutes she handed over the now crumpled form.

"Surgery, huh?" Alex asked whilst rummaging in her pockets for a pen.

"Yes."

"Didn't take you as someone who relishes in handling brain matter."

Piper nearly gagged as her mind conjured up a particularly gory image but she still stubbornly challenged the dark-haired doctor.

"Are you saying I can't hack it?"

_Of course she couldn't hack it. _

Alex looked up, holding a pen, having managed to find one. She spoke.

"You must be an ace with your hands, those delicate fingers look like they could do a _lot._" She pointedly glanced at Piper. "Of course, I wouldn't know that for certain…"

"Yeah, I-"

Piper stopped herself when she registered the double meaning, she stuttered not trusting herself to say anything rational.

"You need to have _really_ good hand-eye coordination. Do you think you can manage that?"

"I _fucking _love surgery, okay?" Piper exclaimed not really sure at this point what she was referring to but annoyed all the same.

"Sure."

"Neuro-surgery, is where it's all at." Piper added for good measure using the most enthusiastic tone of voice she could muster.

"Right." Alex said in a an unconvincing tone. "Reminds me of a quote I once heard; this century hasn't got a lock on insanity yet."

"Are you calling me crazy?" Piper snapped.

Alex simply shrugged.

"Let me guess from Shakespeare?" she asked, her voice loaded with sarcasm.

"No, The Exorcist actually." Alex simply replied. "Come to think of it, you actually have a lot in common with the main character"

Piper raised her eyebrows

_Did she really come across as a devil-possessed person? Come on. Surely not?_

"But let's not dwell on the semantics here. Anyway, I'm sure you'll get along just _swimmingly_ with Dr Knight. Don't me let me stop you."

Piper looked at Alex. Like properly _looked. Stared. _

She didn't know if it was a figment of her imagination but had she detected a note of regret in Alex's voice? Her mind raced trying to think of something to say, but nothing came.

A strange look came across Piper's face. It was the pained expression of regret – of someone who has just reluctantly realised they have made a grave mistake. Alex glanced at the blonde, her eyes perceptively dark. It was as if Alex could sense the uncertainty beneath the blonde's carefully constructed façade.

A heavy silence enveloped the room. All of a sudden the room felt too small to accommodate two people and their reams of unsaid words.

Piper tentatively spoke, her mouth all dry as the desert, her chest felt like a jellyfish was writhing inside of it. Wreaking absolute havoc. Her heart rate increasing into a crescendo as she spoke the words; "Do you…want me to go for surgery?"

Although the question was simple. Generic. They both knew the insinuations. The underlying meaning.

_That's it. She had thrown it out there. She couldn't take it back._

Alex felt as if she had been thrown headfirst into the eye of a storm, naked. She was taken aback by the question and for once in her life was rendered wordless. Her usual sharp comebacks were all but non-existent today.

Nada. Zilch.

She swallowed, and cleared her throat, attempting to regain some sort of control over the conversation, more-so, salvage some of her authority.

"Talk about the unexpected." She chuckled - albeit nervously.

Alex was used to making firm, definite decisions. Black and white. Yes and no. Seeing things exclusively in monochrome colours. Nothing more and nothing less.

_But now?_

It was an explosion of colours. A_ rainbow_ of colours. The boundaries had been blurred beyond recognition.

Piper suddenly felt terrified of finding out the answer. _What if it was an answer she didn't want to hear? _The realisation hit her like a ton of bricks. Hell, it felt like a fully loaded freight train was crashing into her. _Yes, overly dramatic. But oh so fucking accurate. _

Suddenly her pager went off. Normally the harsh electronic beeping was an unwelcome interruption but now it sounded almost melodic. Relieved to delay the decision, Piper hurriedly walked past Alex and prepared to open the door - heart heavy.

"Aren't you forgetting these?"

Piper stopped in her tracks, turned around and followed Alex's pointing index finger. She realised she wasn't wearing any shoes. As dignified as possible she grabbed her shoes, put them on and retraced her steps.

"Thanks for the form" She uttered softly "I'll see you around."

"Yeah."

* * *

_Mind over matter. Mind over matter. Mind over…_

Piper repeated the three words over and over in her head as she stood over a gaping skull with brain matter protruding from it. She was no more than a foot away from this stomach-turning spectacle. Blood-streaked gauze was thrown haphazardly onto a metal trolley, together with surgical instruments glistening with bodily fluids she didn't want to enquire about. She had _finally_ reached her definition of hell.

The operating room was unsuprisingly hot. The surgical gown she was wearing was not helping cool her down in the slightest.

Her stubborn actions were beginning to look more and more unwise. _Dumb even._

_Just what the fuck was she doing here?_

She miserably thought of all the places she'd rather be at that moment. Snuggled up in her sofa. Or sat at a beach lazily watching the sun set in the distant horizon- savouring the feel of the warm sand against her skin. All places which did not feature blood or uncovered humans organs.

_Anywhere but this place of death._

"Here."

Piper glanced up, Knight was holding a scalpel in his hand and offering it to her - his steely grey eyes boring into hers, as if daring her to refuse.

"Let's see how good you are with your hands."

Piper stared at the man as if to say_; what do you actually want me to do with this?_

It wasn't as if she had set foot into an OR for the past few weeks or so; did he really expect her to start carving into a patient without any real experience whatsoever. Making her mind up, she started to speak, but was rudely cut off by Knight's scornful voice.

"Don't tell me that so called _PMS deafness_ has got to you again?" He sneered, purposefully referring to their previous encounter. The residents stood beside Piper erupted into raucous belly laughing. To add insult to injury she blushed crimson with hot embarrassment.

The young resident was at least grateful for the fact that her face was at half- hidden by the surgical mask she was wearing thereby not giving them the satisfaction at her physical reaction.

Piper was painfully aware of the distinct lack of xx chromosomes in the operating room. Apart from herself and the middle- aged scrub nurse everyone else was male, including the unconscious man lying on the table covered in surgical drapes.

Brushing off the comments she forced herself to take the scalpel, holding it in her hand and marveling at how the light reflected with a diamond-like brilliance off the blade. It was a work of art. But also a piece of kit that could do serious damage.

He gestured for her to approach the patient's head - resigning herself to the ordeal she walked across the bed before coming to a stop behind the open skull filled with soft, squishy flesh. A roil of nausea threatened to dominate her senses, she could feel her stomach protesting against the signals of disgust no doubt firing from her own brain.

"Can you see that?"

What? The _fucking_ glistening brain that was pulsating in time with the beeping from the heart monitors? Yes, I can see it.

"That dark tissue covering the left side of the brain?" He elaborated.

Piper forced her gaze to where Knight was referring to before noticing a fleshy lump that was a darker shade of red than the surrounding brain matter.

"Yes."

"That's a tumour."

"Oh."

"As you can see the tumour has invaded the surrounding tissue, infiltrating into the bloodstream. I hope you are neither shocked nor disgusted for I'm about to assign you a task." Knight eyed her.

Piper nodded. She was both.

"I want _you_ to excise a small sample from it so that we can send it for analysis."

Was he kidding?

"Umm... I'm not sure,-"

"You want to do neuro-surgery, yes?"

_No_

"Yes."

"Well then you've got to prove to me that you have what it takes to succeed."

_Why was she here again?_

_Oh yeah. Because of her stupidity._

She tentatively approached the patient and proceeded to place the tip of the blade onto the nauseatingly pink mess of flesh. She had no idea what exactly she should be looking at. The overhead light too bright for her liking. She took a deep breath. Piper's hand was shaking.

She willed it to stop. Not now, please.

It took an enormous effort just to maintain her grip on the handle. She looked up and saw the resident beside her was frowning. So were the others. Piper could read the questions in their eyes. _Could she even do this? How was she a practicing doctor?_ She ignored their dubious looks.

_Fuck off._ The lot of you.

She swallowed hard. A drop of sweat slid down her cheek. She tightened her grip, with scalpel poised, she hesitated. She couldn't do it. All of those dissaproving eyes watching her.

"This is exactly why I've been petitioning women to avoid surgery." Knight muttered under his breath, shaking his head regretfully.

Piper looked up and saw Knight's wistful expression. She blinked a few times in sheer outrage.

She surmised that men who revelled in misogynistic behaviours were either not loved enough by their mummies or weren't getting enough at home. It took all of her willpower not to stick the stainless steel instrument right between his eyes. That would without a doubt do the job in getting rid of that arrogant sneer.

"Look! You're going in the wrong way!" He bellowed.

Oh how she wished she could dip his egotistical head into it.

She couldn't help herself but blurted, "What's the right way then?" Staring at him, all she could see was his stormy eyes eyeing her coldly. His face repulsed her. Disgusted her.

"Don't you dare take that tone with me, young lady."

She supressed her instinctive reply but was half a second too slow. "I'm here to learn not to be humiliated."

Oh god, she couldn't believe she had said it out loud.

"I'm here to teach not to spoon-feed you. Attitude like that will not get you very far."

The man had the nerve to lecture _her_ on attitude, she thought, glowering.

She glanced at the scrub nurse for support hoping to spot some solidarity from the only other woman in this testosterone filled room. But the older woman simply shrugged her shoulders and muttered, "Deal with it. Not my problem. I just pass the scalpels across." Before breaking eye contact and carrying on arranging the surgical instruments before her.

Piper's eyes shot open, thinking she misheard the woman but at the same time understanding she probably hadn't. As harsh as the advice sounded–if you could even call it that- it was reasonable considering the situation she was in. Piper resigned herself to endure the remainder of the surgery, hoping it was nearing the end.

So much for supporting feminism

What would the suffragettes who relentlessly fought equal rights for women think about this?

_Well they didn't have to deal with assholes in green armed with sharp scalpels and scissors. _

_Sorry girls. Really sorry._

_"_You really are living up to the stereotype of people with your hair colour." He said mockingly.

Right that's it

Suddenly she had enough. The surgical mask felt suffocating. The light were too bright. The room too hot. The copper-scented air of fresh blood suddenly became too much for her to handle.

"I'm sorry but I've got to go." She said to no on in particular.

"You're not going anywhere!" He looked at her, outraged that a mere resident could dare defy his orders. Especially one who was of the fairer sex.

_Try me_

Without looking at anyone, she peeled off the surgical gown, snapped the mask off and dumped it into the bin before slamming opening the doors and stumbling out into the blessedly fresh air.

As far as Piper was concerned - Knight could manage just fine without her.

_Asshole._

* * *

The library was far too quiet. Piper was sat on the floor between the rows of bookshelves, hands on her head, looking down. She glanced at the clock, wondering just how long she had been sat here. Determined, not to let the OR drama affect her, she had grabbed an arm-load of books with her and sat down - revising for that dreaded exam that was forever nearing.

"Ma'am its closing time." A voice rang out somewhere above her.

She looked up, a security man was expectantly looking down at her.

"Oh."

Sighing, she slowly stood up, stretching her cramped muscles out before slowly picking up her books and handwritten notes - her back objecting at the heavy load.

Pushing open the doors, she strode through the dimly lit corridors of the hospital. She looked at her watch. Oh _fuck. _She was going to miss her commute. She sped up her pace and rounded a corner.

"Woah!" a voice cried out in shock.

Piper collided into Alex who had been walking towards her in the opposite direction - losing her balance and arms flailing Piper crashed onto the hard floor, her books and papers raining down beside her. Alex fared better, she stumbled, catching herself just in time by steadying herself against the edge of the wall.

Alex's Blackberry that she had been texting on seconds earlier shot out of her hand before clattering onto the floor.

"What the fuck!"

Piper pushed herself up and silently began gathering her papers and books around. _Today was officially her day from the hell. _

Alex knelt down and helped the blonde in picking up the books, sheafs of paper and handed them to her once everything was cleared from the ground.

"You sure you can carry all that?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'll be fine. Thanks."

Alex looked at her, "You okay? That was kind of a bad fall."

"Yeah. Don't worry about it." Piper shrugged, even though her left shoulder was beginning to throb like a bitch.

"If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were following me." the dark-haired doctor remarked lightheartedly.

Touched by Alex's niceties, Piper felt a wave of guilt threatening to consume her. Coupled with the earlier onslaught from Knight she felt her shoulders begin to sag despondently.

She was consciously aware of their earlier departing notes. Actually _her_ departing note. She had been naive. She had been foolish enough to think that she could blindly outrun the hairpin turns of her tenuous relationship with Alex at treacherous speeds and never crash. Well she had crashed.

_Figuratively and literally. _

A heavy silence followed. A tangible awareness. The atmosphere thick.

"I am a _bitch _aren't I?" She burst out.

Bemused, Alex answered, "Do you want me to answer that?"

"I've been a royal _bitch. _Just say it." Piper breathily continued, "I know you want to say it."

"I'm not sure about being a _bitch _that has royal blood in her - but yes, unfortunately you have been."

Alex leant against the wall, surveying her Blackberry for any damage, half-listening to Piper's pleads.

"Alex!" Exasperated at the woman's lack of response, lack of anger at her she grabbed her by the shoulders attempting to shake some action into her. She knew it was her masochistic tendencies rearing their head again but she didn't care. "Oh god, say something. Anything."

"Woah, steady there." Alex protested, she put her Blackberry away and turned her full attention at the young resident a look of interest painting her features.

"Where has all this come from?" her eyes narrowed before widening when it hit her, "No, actually let me guess, Knight?"

Piper hesitated, cringing inwardly. Immediately regretting her outburst. She had the grace to look down and break eye contact.

Alex's lighthearted tone changed to mildly accusing, her gaze probing, "So you come running to _me _after presumably Knight acted like the asshole he is?" She paused, "So, I'm basically the lesser of two evils. Well that_ sure_ makes me feel so much better."

The older doctor's eyes deep in thought as she contemplated the analogy. She glanced at Piper, "How very nice."

"Come on, Alex... It's not like that."

"No, no." She gestured with her hands assuredly as if to say : no don't worry. "I mean, I've been having _fucking _sleepless nights; thinking I couldn't have possibly treated you any worse than Simon Knight and his misogynistic views." She smiled running a hand through her hair. "But now- now I don't have to worry anymore. It's good. It's all good."

"Alex, please be serious." Piper pleaded, "I'm trying to apologise."

"Oh." Alex frowned. "Okay, sorry. I didn't realise."

"Huh?" Confused by the woman's response.

Catching sight of Piper's perplexed expression, Alex explained; "Well you know, normally apologies include buzzwords such as "sorry" "forgive me" and sometimes even actions such as getting down on one's knee. But I didn't see any of that, so your statement confused me a bit."

Piper remained silent, not entirely sure whether Alex was being serious or not.

"You want me to get down on my knees?" She asked incredulously.

"If you feel it necessary to reinforce your apology by all means. But-" She held her hands up, "it's not up to me so don't let me force you."

That answer was as clear as mud. Piper just stared at the attending, searching her face for any clue as to her true intentions but all she could capture was a guise of total seriousness.

She wasn't convinced.

She noticed Alex's expectant look and just shook her head.

_Did she really expect her to get onto her knees?_

The blonde surmised that Alex was struggling to hold back a grin at her expense but Piper knew she could not afford to _not_ follow through with her suggestion - on the off chance the older doctor was being serious. And anyway it was a small price to pay in the grand scheme of things.

She glanced around quickly surveying the immediate vicinity- grateful that at least there was no one around to witness the bizarre spectacle.

Piper had realised a long time ago that her whirlwind relationship with Alex was anything but conventional. They brought the best and worst out of each other. At any other time, if anyone told her that this is what she would be doing, she would have laughed out loud into their faces. They had come far.

_Unpredictable. Sarcastic. Enigmatic._

All words that perfectly described Alex. Something told her - it's what drew her to the dark-haired doctor in the first place. The no-nonsense cool and collected attitude coupled with the quick-wit and sharp-thinking.

The ridiculously good looks hadn't hurt either...

"If you insist." Piper muttered finally. She got down on one knee, silently laughing at how outrageous this was and how things had possibly culminated into this. She clasped her hands before her for exaggerated effect. Simulating as if she was deep in prayer.

Even dear old _Mr Christ _couldn't help her when it came to all things Alex Vause. _No uh _

"I'm sorry for being an asshole" She looked up struggling to keep a straight face. It hadn't escaped her that this was the second time in less than 24 hours she was kneeling before Alex. Amusingly, she made a mental note to avoid making this into a regular occurrence. After all once a habit was formed it was difficult to kick.

"Satisfied?"

Arms crossed, Alex deliberated her answer, forcing Piper into a temporary limbo of worrying someone would stumble upon them as well as still trying to understand whether she was participating in a drawn out role play.

"My knees are aching here."

Alex's lips curled upwards into a charming smile.

"All is forgiven."

"Phew." Piper sighed in mock relief.

"Now get up before people think you're proposing to me." Alex jokingly quipped. She held out a hand, helping the young doctor back to her feet.

"Do keep in mind I never actually told you to get on your knees. You're the one who felt obliged to do so."

"Not now Alex. Not now."

"I'm just pointing out."

"Well its your turn now." Piper retorted.

Alex turned around, regarded the resident and raised her eyebrow whilst smiling.

"Like I said, you had a choice..."

* * *

_AN: Hello there lovelies! I hope you've enjoyed reading that chapter. Sorry for the late update. Busy busy busy! I have genuinely been blown away by the lovely reviews people have left for the previous chapter. I love you and all and I wish I could thank each and everyone of you individually. Like I said during previous chapters - its the positive reception that motivates me to keep updating. Anyway, hope you've had a lovely bank holiday weekend. And like always, please let me know of your thoughts. Again, major thanks x :) _


	11. Work Hard Play harder

_Work Hard. Play Hard(er)_

* * *

_Beep! Beep!_

Piper jerked back nearly falling off her chair.

She was violently roused from her sleep. For a split second she had no idea where she was, until she registered the wooden bookshelves surrounding her.

She was in the hospital library.

She had fallen asleep at the study desk she had been sat at with a stack of medical texts arranged into a makeshift pillow. Grudgingly she lifted her head, her eyes protesting against the blindingly bright overhead lights. She glanced at the time; it read 07:32 AM.

That couldn't be right. Surely, she hadn't been asleep for the best part of an hour? It felt like she had closed her eyes for only a few minutes. She remembered her eyelids had started to become heavy – no longer able to concentrate at the writing on the page and had allowed herself a few moments of respite from the dull writing and painfully small print.

That was all she had intended on. Barely able to contain a drawn out yawn, she rubbed her eyes and turned her attention to the still beeping pager vibrating unremittingly beside her on the desk.

Her head was throbbing painfully. Too much work and not enough sleep. She reluctantly peered at the small digital display and noted the four digit number that was flashing across the screen. She silenced the sound and allowed herself a moment to fully wake up – appreciating the stillness. She finished her third cup of vending machine coffee – scrunching her face when the liquid burned her throat. It tasted like battery acid.

She was on-call. And she hated on-calls.

Her shift had started at 9 PM the previous evening and so far it had been extremely busy. The ER had been overwhelmed with the vast number of people entering through its doors.

An overturned bus full of children returning from a school-trip. A housewife accidentally stabbing herself with the knife she had been cutting onions with. A depressed teenager who had overdosed on his mum's sleeping tablets. If Piper didn't know any better, she would guess that at least half of the New York population was currently residing in the small confines of Litchfield ER.

_Why couldn't people stay in their houses? Stop injuring yourselves. Stop causing accidents. _

My god, practising medicine had turned her into such a cynic.

The past few hours had been uneventful which was why she had tried to make use of the quiet time by revising for her imminent exam – just two more hours left and she could head home. At this moment, those few hours might as well be a lifetime away. She rose from her chair and crossed the room to the phone and dialled the four digit extension.

"I'm the doctor on-call, you paged me?"

A weary voice responded, "We've had a patient admitted to the ER, we're short staffed, you're urgently needed down here."

"Ok, I'll be there." Piper replied with a sigh.

This was going to be a long day.

"Ok what have we got here?" Piper asked one of the nurses as she approached the main desk in the ER department.

"Late forties, male, admitted with alcohol intoxication, possible head injury, sustained whilst trying to climb a ten foot wall and subsequently falling off." The young nurse reeled off the details to Piper who in turn groaned in exasperation. Oh great, another drunkard draining America's healthcare system.

"Jesus! Is there anyone on a Friday night who is _not _drunk?"

The nurse looked at Piper with sympathy but simply shrugged her shoulders, "Cubicle 5, he's all yours." And handed her a stack of notes.

_Great._

"Hey!"

Piper turned around and spotted Nicky carrying a drip and a bag of fluids.

"Hi." Piper was actually happy to see her.

"You look like you need one of these." Nicky stated, holding the drip up.

Piper eyed the bag before looking back up, "Replace the saline with strong coffee and you've got yourself a deal."

"There are other medicines that'll help in keeping you awake." Nicky winked at Piper. "Unfortunately, last time I checked, they're not legal."

"Yeah well. No thanks. I swear my skin is breaking out into all sorts of spots." the blonde complained.

They began walking down the length of the ER corridor towards the cubicles where patients with non-serious injuries were normally taken.

"That bad huh?"

"It's been a long night. I feel like a damn vampire." Piper sighed.

"Welcome to the world of medicine. A place where human rights are disregarded and the joy of life is slowly sucked out of you. A place where you're expected to work until either your body fails you or you lose your sanity."

Piper studied Nicky's deadpan face as they walked and spoke, "Wow. Just the right words to keep me going and cheer me up."

"At least there's the pay-check to look forward to, right?"

"How ethical."

Nicky shrugged her shoulders, "I skipped ethics lectures. They were always taught by middle-aged ladies who looked like they live with their sixteen cats and collect postage stamps for a hobby."

Piper just shook her head, they had reached the cubicles. Each one was separated by a light curtain that went all the way around. So much for privacy, Piper thought to herself.

"Which one are you at? Nicky asked before continuing, "I'm in four."

"I'm in five."

_A c_ubicle directly ahead of them, had the curtains drawn open - revealing a middle aged man sat upright on the edge of the bed, loudly muttering to himself and every so often shaking his head as if disagreeing with someone. There was no one accompanying the man. Well no one_ they_ could see anyway.

"Uh oh. Crazy alert." Nicky observed, "Let's hope _that's _not yours."

As if on cue, they both looked up and read the number etched onto the metal curtain frame_: '**Cubicle five'**_

Her headache had just got a whole lot worse.

"Bad luck, Chapman." She whispered into her ear before retreating to her own cubicle next door.

Piper was not in the least surprised. She always drew the short straw in life. She had accepted that a long time ago. Resigned she entered the space and approached the bed with caution - keeping a comfortable distance from the patient by standing at the foot of the bed.

Since that attack a few weeks ago the resident was much more wary around patients who appeared to be under the influence of drink or drugs. Or both.

She painfully remembered that frightening moment when her life had been threatened, when she was certain she was going to die, when she stared into the face of evil. She held the clipboard of notes against her chest – although irrational Piper decided the plastic clipboard could double up as a shield in case things went awry.

"He was found lying on the other side of a wall." Larry informed her who had entered the cubicle, closing the curtains behind them.

She turned around and looked at him, he gave her an awkward smile and handed her a paper with blood results scribbled on it, "Here's the toxicology report."

Although she had not particularly seen eye to eye with Larry (in all honesty, she hadn't made an effort to interact with the dark-haired man as she found his demeanour weird and slightly aloof ) she _was_ glad that there was someone accompanying her.

As selfish as that sounded.

Piper could hear Nicky's voice carried over from the adjoining room – judging from the sobs and cries from an obviously upset woman it was going not so great for her as well.

"Thanks." She took the sheet from him and quickly glanced over the figures before turning her attention to the patient.

"Hello, I'm Dr Chapman. I'm going to be treating you today, together with Dr…" She paused, before realising she didn't even know Larry's second name.

"Dr Bloom." Larry finished, mildly amused.

"Yes, Dr Bloom." Piper repeated. _What kind of a name was that anyway?_

She continued addressing the patient, "I am just going to ask you a few-"

She stopped mid-sentence, her words lost on her lips. Her eyes widened in sheer shock when she recognised the dishevelled man as he slowly lifted his head and looked at her- allowing Piper to fully hone in on his face.

It was... Frank.

"You okay?" Larry noticed her obvious surprise at seeing this drunk man.

His words brought her crashing back to reality – she shifted her weight all the while holding up her clipboard in an attempt to appear professional and indifferent.

"I-" She started, "I just…Nothing, nothing its fine." She replied lightly.

_Maybe he didn't recognise her. It had been pretty dark in the bar that night. _

_Or maybe he did? _

She contemplated deferring his care to Larry. That way, she didn't have to deal with Frank and instead she would attend to someone. Preferably in a cubicle far from this one.

Pretending that she was reading the notes in front of her, Piper lifted her head slightly and looked closely at Frank. He was a diminutive man with pale pockmarked skin and hazel eyes. A forgettable face. But definitely him.

He was still mumbling to himself – showing no signs that he recognised her.

_He won't recognise me_, Piper thought. _He's absolutely plastered, for god's sake!_

She relaxed and straightened her back, assured that her worries had been put to rest. She was a doctor, a professional, trained to be calm in emergencies and yet a stupid drunk nearly sent her running.

"He didn't give us a name and it looks like he's not carrying any I.D. with him - so we have no way of identifying him." Larry supplied.

_It's Frank. Frank the psycho stalker. Frank, the man who ruined her and Alex's evening. _

"That's a shame." She responded.

Images flashed across Piper's mind that she'd rather forget about. With difficulty she pushed the thoughts out of her consciousness and approached Frank, pulling her stethoscope out of her pocket - intending on examining him. The quicker she dealt with this the quicker it would be over.

When she was no more than an arm's length away, Frank looked up and for the first time properly regarded Piper. His earlier alcoholic-clogged stupor had all but disappeared when his glazed eyes transformed into two bright orbs filled with recognition. Before Piper could do anything, Frank sat up straight, brushing her stethoscope away from him.

"Hey! I know you! He exclaimed slightly slurring his words.

Her heart flew to her throat. Her pulse kicked into high gear.

_If all else fails, feign ignorance._

Piper pretended not to have heard the overly loud declaration and desperately hoped that Larry would just assume the cries were nothing but the ramblings of a drunken man.

_Happens all the time, right?_

Taking control of the situation, she replied in her most business-like voice, "No, mister, I don't think we have."

"No! No! We have! You're that hot blonde."

Piper laughed, brushing off his comments as something not to take note off, she pointedly smiled at Larry, hoping that her face came across as a _can-you-believe-this-guy _expression.

"Oh right, mister. Let's get you back into that bed." Larry commanded whilst helping an excited Frank back onto the bed.

"No! I'm being serious!" His protests were increasing in volume by the second. At this rate, by the time he had finished speaking the entire hospital would hear what was going on . His eyebrows furrowed in concentration- when his eyes suddenly perked up, looking at Piper. "You're that blonde, getting it on with Alex! I knew I remembered you from somewhere!"

Piper felt the blood sucked out of her cheeks.

_Okay, anyone could be called Alex. No one would catch on. _

_For fuck's sake, 'Alex' could be a guy for all they knew. My guise of ignorance could still work._

Piper desperately clung onto that belief before it was shattered a split second later.

"Alex! Alex Vause!" Frank cried out.

_Okay, that narrowed things down. _

_Significantly._

The last statement would not have looked out of place in a theatre production. It was the comment that served as the cherry-on-top. The concluding remark that would no doubt earn a loud applause from a watching audience before the curtains descended.

But this was not theatre. _Yes, it had the dramatics. _

Instead the setting was a generic ER cubicle – starring the not-so enviable Piper Chapman. She could feel Larry staring at her questioningly. She didn't dare meet his accusing gaze.

"What the hell is happening?" A voice suddenly yelled. It was Nicky who had stuck her head between the two sets of curtains. "I can't hear _shit _over this racket!"

_Oh great. Now she had her own audience. _

"Blondie!" Frank tried to lunge at Piper but his coordination was shot to pieces so instead ended up on the floor flat on his back. Legs and arms flailing like an upturned cockroach.

Larry ran over and helped the man back onto his feet, before returning him to his bed. With Frank dealt with, Nicky asked,

"What was all that about you and Vause about?"

_Damn these thin curtains. _

The resident felt all eyes trained in on her - everyone was patiently waiting for her answer.

"What do you mean?"

"Do you know this guy?" Nicky asked.

"It's getting a little bit crowded in here, don't you think?" Piper hesitantly asked, apparently oblivious to the obvious implications of Frank's drunken revelation.

Nicky stared at her. Larry stared. Hell, Frank stared at her.

Piper felt like a specimen being studied under a microscope. This has just gone from bad to worse.

_Fuck, her career was in tatters._

Surprisingly she felt calm. She had accepted her fate. She had been running away from it but it had finally caught up with her. Suddenly revising for exams and attending rounds seemed unimportant and inconsequential. It had all been in vain. Futile even.

Hot tears were stinging her eyes. Her throat felt like a huge piece of cotton wool was lodged in it.

"Piper? Is this all true?" Larry softly probed.

After an ear-splitting silence - she silently nodded her head.

_The theatre show had come to an end. _

_…Applause_

_…Standing ovation_

_*curtains descend*_

* * *

_…_

The wine tasted like heaven. It must be vintage. Alex took another sip, indulging in the rich, earthy flavours.

Definitely vintage.

Her legs were propped on top of her desk. Hair down. Glasses off. She was enjoying a rare moment of doing absolutely nothing. She had finished her surgical list a few hours early. It was nearing the end of the day, dusk was slowly approaching.

"What do you think?" Tom Feldman asked, pointing at her wine glass.

"Yeah. It's okay." She replied half-heartedly - knowing her lukewarm response would annoy Tom.

"Okay?" Her fellow attending repeated incredulously. "This was given to me as a present. I googled it and it costs 500 dollars."

"You googled it?" Alex lazily asked, rolling her eyes before running a hand through her hair.

"Everyone googles everything. And if a half a grand bottle of wine, is just a 'yeah, it's okay' kinda bottle, then you won't be missing it when I take it with me."

Tom leant forwards and swiped Alex's wine glass and put it out of her reach.

"Hey!" She protested, dropping her legs back onto the carpeted floor and sitting up straight, "You can't do that!"

"Such a big response for a supposedly 'yeah, it's okay' drink" Tom replied jokily.

"Feldman, come on. I was just kidding. It's a _fucking_ awesome wine."

"Not enough grovelling."

Alex continued, "I've had some shitty wines that were so rank I threw them straight out. And this one is definitely not like that"

"Are you taunting me?" Tom asked, narrowing his eyes.

"No I mean, it tastes way better than hooch."

"Hooch?"

"You know prison-issue alcoholic drink, made with anything edible you can find?"

"How would you know?" He laughed. His face suddenly turned serious, "You've been in prison? How do I not know about this?"

Alex sipped her wine, "No, a patient brought it with them once. She let me taste it. I later found out she was a prisoner who escaped from the nearby county jail And had broken her leg in the process." Alex expanded. After a pause, she looked at him and countered, "And I'm pissed that you think I look like prison-material."

Brushing aside her protest: "You're kidding me, right? Why the hell would you drink anything a patient brings them?" Tom eyed Alex with disbelief.

"She was _fucking _insisting on me to taste it. I gave in." Alex coolly replied, as if drinking fake alcohol from escaped fugitives was the most normal thing in the world.

"You're insane."

"Don't tell me, you wouldn't have been even in the slightest bit curious?"

"No. Unlike you, I value my health too much."

"Okay, whatever. Give me back my slightly-better-than-hooch glass of wine, please."

Tom laughed and handed Alex her wine back.

"Anyway, what's the deal with blonde girl?" Tom asked, changing the subject entirely. Alex could tell he'd been dying to ask her about her and Piper, ever since he'd walked in on them. Next time, she'd lock the doors. She had learned her lesson.

Sighing, Alex drained the last of her drink, "What about her?"

"Last I saw you guys. You were eating each other's faces off. It was hot, don't get me wrong but it looked pretty serious."

"You don't fuck around do you?"

"Nope."

"Tom, you're not going to run off with your mouth are you?" Alex asked in a serious tone.

"Me!" He put his palms up. "Of course not."

"Because if you do – so help me god. The things I will do to you."

He put his fingers against his lips as if zipping them closed, and mimed the gesture of throwing away a key.

"What was her name again? Chapman, isn't it?"

_Piper_

"Yeah." Alex nodded.

"Putting two and two together. She's now suddenly interested in brain surgery because of that little office romance, am I right?"

She avoided the question, "I was her supervisor. Now I'm not_._ It's that _fucking_ simple."

"But?"

Alex looked at him, "But, what?"

"But you like her?"

"Because I generally let people who hate me, kiss me." She scoffed sarcastically.

"My bad. Stupid question."

She poured another drink, suddenly feeling disheartened she grew silent. Reading that email about Piper changing supervisors hurt Alex like hell - broke her _goddamn _heart. She forced herself to accept that there were was a certain taboo to work-based relationships - although not illegal, it was certainly frowned upon.

But…

But she liked the blonde. A lot.

By the fucking bucket-load

Hardly, the epitome of professionalism.

She knew that Piper was struggling with discerning the boundary of work and play. She also knew that the blonde liked her a lot.

"You look deep in thought." Tom pulled Alex out of her reverie.

"Tell me about it." She smiled wryly, waving her glass for emphasis. "Which is why I need another drink."

"I can't believe we've nearly finished a 500 dollar bottle."

"I'm more worried on how the hell I'm going to get home." Alex announced.

"Oh crap. You're driving. I would have given you a lift but I just drank 250 dollars worth of alcohol"

"Share a taxi?"

"Deal. And Alex?"

She looked up, "Yeah?"

Tom was looking at her earnestly. His expression solemn.

"Do what your gut instinct tells you to do."

She looked at him, smiling wistfully.

Well her gut instinct told her to take the blonde back to her apartment and do many things with her.

_To her. On her._

_Things that were totally NSFW._

Suddenly her phone rang, sighing she fished it out of her pocket – glancing at the screen the words 'unknown number' flashed across. She pressed answer,

"Hello?"

Alex pulled a face when she listened to the voice talking in rapid staccato, "Uh huh." She nodded her head when she suddenly yelled out, "What?!"

She nearly fell out of her desk-chair. She hastily stood up. Pushing her glasses on. Meanwhile, Tom was staring at her with interest and mouthed, "What's going on?"

"Please, tell me this is a _fucking _joke." Alex continued, holding the phone in an iron grip. "How is this possible?" She asked through gritted teeth.

"Well you can them to go _fuck _themselves!" She shouted into the mic of the phone.

With that Alex, slammed her phone down, nearly shattering the screen.

"I'm afraid to ask." Tom inquired when Alex finished pacing around the office.

"That was the New York Police Department."

"What do they want?"

Alex shook her head, tiredly sitting down, "Tom, do you have a cigarette?"

He looked at her puzzled, "I don't smoke."

"I know. But the off chance, you carried some on you."

"Come to think of it, you don't smoke."

"I know."

_Knowing the shit-storm that was about to happen - she wished she did. At least it would make things that little bit easier. Or maybe not. _

"What the hell has just happened?"

"You don't want to know."

* * *

Beeeeeeeeeeeep! Beeeeeeeeeep!

_Not again._

Piper nearly jumped out of her skin. She felt the pager vibrating somewhere underneath her. She quickly pulled it out – holding the device at an arm's length as if it was going to detonate imminently.

Why was she being paged?

_Firstly,_ she was not on call. _Secondly_, it was Saturday. _And finally_, she wasn't even in the hospital. She was at home, where minutes earlier she was enjoying season four of _Dexter._

"Can you switch that awful thing off!" Polly shouted from the kitchen.

"Sorry!"

Piper cut the sound. No way was she going to answer that. It was probably in error anyway. She checked the incoming page on the display and saw that the number was for Fitzgerald's office.

She frowned.

"Why is he ringing me?" she wondered aloud - their small apartment almost echoing her voice.

Her mind clicked. Suddenly it felt like her legs had turned into two blocks of ice – she was frozen to the sofa. Fingers shaking she grabbed the remote and paused the TV.

_Yesterday. Frank. Alex. _

_What else could it be?_

Nichols and Larry. They must have spoken to the director. Or Frank himself did. _Or, or, or…Alex?_

No. Never. She felt angry at herself for even allowing that thought to enter her mind. However brief it was.

She could feel her earlier eaten breakfast, churning in her stomach, she hurriedly crossed to the toilet and splashed cold water onto her face, staring at her reflection in the mirror.

She had to call the director. She couldn't avoid it. Or maybe she could it delay until Monday and pretend she hadn't heard the page, after all she could have been on a weekend holiday for all Fitzgerald knew. Her question was answered for her, when the pager bleeped for a second time – each successive beep sounding more and more impatient.

"Dude! Are you on call?" Polly shouted again.

"It's just a mistake don't worry." Piper responded in a barely audible voice.

With a sense of foreboding she picked up the phone and rang the number, after a mere two rings, Fitzgerald picked up, she barely recognised his voice. The usual good-humoured tone of voice was gone. His words were devoid of all pleasantries – instead it had been replaced with harsh syllables and severe intonations. She dryly swallowed.

She glanced at the TV screen; she had paused it at the exact moment, the main character Dexter was poised with a butcher knife about to cut someone's head off.

Was it a sign of things to come?

"Dr Chapman, several issues regarding your misconduct have been brought to my attention. I apologise for the relatively short notice but an emergency disciplinary meeting is being held at my office to discuss your future at this hospital."

_Misconduct. Disciplinary. Future. _

Her hands felt numb barely able to hold the phone. Piper did not know how she was still upright as it felt like everything in her body had stopped working.

"Dr Chapman, are you still there?"

"Yes."

"The meeting will be held on Monday morning at 8 AM sharp." Without waiting for her response, the line was cut.

The dialling tone playing against her ear. Mocking her. Laughing at her.

_Fuck._

* * *

_AN: Hey! Hope you've enjoyed yet another chapter. please persevere with me with regards to vauseman development. ill be posting the next chapter pretty soon. And by soon I mean in the next few days. I promise. ;)_

_Meanwhile, please review!_


	12. Doomsday

12\. Doomsday

* * *

Piper hurried along the pavement. Though it was nearly dawn, the streetlights glowed, the roads empty. A gale of frosty wind blew harshly, depositing a thin layer of frost in its wake. She folded her arms, suddenly feeling the discomfort of winter breaking through her coat, seeping into her skin, piercing through to her bones. Thick fog enveloped everything in a blanket of mist, casting the streets in an ethereal haze. There was not a single soul present. It was as if the whole world and its inhabitants had disappeared.

She was stood in front of the hospital entrance staring at the revolving doors going round and round. An infinite cycle with no beginning nor end.

She felt a chill. Not from the cold but a deep chill rising up from the depths of her stomach. A bitter cold surging through her body paralysing her from the inside. Suddenly Piper wanted to walk back, back to the comforts of her apartment, lock the doors and remain there indefinitely. Away from the drama. Away from the troubles. Away from the worries.

But as apprehensive as she was about this disciplinary meeting – she was even more fearful of the consequences should she not turn up. And if she was going to be accused, she wanted to be there, to defend herself. Pulling up the collar of her jacket she began to walk through the entrance and after a little while reached the office door of Fitzgerald.

Piper stopped in front it. Deliberating. She could hear the faint murmurs of hushed conversation carrying through the wooden panels of the heavy-set door.

Oh god there was more than one person in there? Her legs threatened to collapse from under her. Piper took a deep breath attempting to calm herself down before she hesitantly rapped on the door. She could not help but feel like she was about to step into the bowels of a monster. The uncomfortable feeling was difficult to shake off, it clung to her like second skin. Tightly wrapping itself around her. _Suffocating_.

The door was opened and she stepped in. Terror ricocheted up her spine.

Inside all traces of conversation ceased.

Piper glanced around the table, she saw at least five faces expectantly staring back at her. Their faces giving nothing away. Her gaze rested on the last person sat to her far left.

Knight.

_What was he doing here?_

She was confused, her mind raced in search for explanations.

"Sit."

It was Fitzgerald who ordered her to take her seat in front of the panel. She barely glanced at Knight but his hostile presence was impossible to ignore.

She sat down – the plastic chair enormously uncomfortable.

"I'm sure you know why you have been summoned here, I apologise again for the short notice in organising this meeting." Fitzgerald explained in a monotonous tone.

Piper nodded her head. She waited for him to continue. The silence went on a little too long for her comfort. Her palms were damp; under the table, she wiped her hands on her trousers.

"During your short venture at this hospital, we have had multiple complaints regarding your professional conduct and we – the board - discussed your case…" Fitzgerald nodded at Knight.

"...and have allowed for you to explain your side of events…" He continued looking at Piper.

_What the fuck was she going to say?_

_Oh yeah, how about: She had the hots for her attending. Is that a good enough explanation for them?_

_Do you still want me working at this hospital, hmm? _

Piper knew she should never have become involved with Alex. What had she been thinking? She had known nothing but trouble would result from it. Yet she still flouted all rules and had arrogantly pursued her. She could feel herself growing hot with anger. At her stupidity. At her carelessness. And she was _never _careless. She was as cautious as they came.

What did she want it to be? A fling? An affair? Something more? All she knew that was it had all turned into _shit._

A nanosecond later, her earlier thoughts were turned flat on their head when the stark realisation would strike her like lightning - no matter how much she kept telling herself, make herself believe Alex was wrong for her, Piper knew she was in actual fact the best thing that had happened to her. They were good for each other. Completed each other. And now she was sat in a room with a high chance of getting fired..._  
_

"Dr Fitzgerald…" She began, acutely aware of the myriad of eyes squarely trained on her, "I take full responsibility for _everything_. It wasn't her fault. It was mine. I was the one who sought her out. I take all the blame."

Breathing hard, her words tumbling out of her mouth in a garbled fashion.

"Sorry?" Fitzgerald asked, his face sporting a bewildered expression. "I'm afraid I don't know what you are talking about."

Piper looked up, her turn to appear perplexed. All eyes on her. Hungrily awaiting an additional transgression on her part. An unexpected bonus for them.

"I don't understand…?" She began.

"You have been asked to come here to explain yourself, regarding your improper attitude towards Dr Knight here?" He looked at her above his glasses, "Why do you think you're here?"

"Yes, of course." She hastily muttered, averting her gaze.

So this is not about her and Alex? This had absolutely nothing to with _that? _So all that fucking worrying was for _nothing?_

Hang on, but she was still here. For a reason.

She eyed Knight. His gaze dark and undefinable. He opened his mouth to speak,

"In her short presence, this young lady has been nothing but unprofessional and frankly, downright incompetent. She has repeatedly undermined my authority and has even put patients at risk with her careless attitude." He paused for effect, "I feel that nothing but a suspension is in order. One of a permanent nature."

_What!? _

_This was about that time in the OR._

Piper shook her head in heated disbelief, it felt like her world was falling apart. Slowly but surely. Her mind unable to shake off the single word she had zeroed in on. S_uspension_

She suddenly understood. All of it. His ego had been bruised during that surgery she had accompanied him on. She had defied him, he didn't like it one bit, which was why it was only necessary for him to try and ruin her career.

"Have you got anything to say for yourself, Dr Chapman?" A small man spoke who had not been heard up until now.

This was her chance to defend herself. To tell her side of the story. To shoot down Knight's outrageous allegations. All completely untrue of course. But her mouth remained stubbornly closed. She was frozen to the spot, still reeling from the sudden turn in events.

She inadvertently let her gaze drop to Knight, his eyes brimming with spite and malice. He snidely winked at her. The only people who were aware of this action were Piper and Knight. _  
_

"Dr Chapman?"

"I- uh .Dr Fitzgerald." She cleared her throat, "This is all simply untrue."

"How dare she!" Knight exclaimed in melodramatic outrage. He looked like he was about to spit nails at her.

"You're a misogynistic deviant and you cannot accept a _mere _woman, like me, in an equal role as you." Piper spat, her anger getting the better of her.

Why would they believe a word of what she said? A lowly resident who had been here for no less than a month against a top-rated neurosurgeon who no doubt brought big bucks into the hospital. Money always trumps everything. Including morals it seems.

"Have you heard this? She's incompetent as well as a liar. We can't have the likes of her representing this fine hospital." Knight said.

"And why did you change your supervisor so abruptly?" He asked her, his gaze threateningly direct.

Her heart skipped a beat. Piper remained silent.

Fitzgerald regarded her with a renewed interest, "Have you also had problems with your previous supervisor?"

"No!" Piper cried.

The last thing she would do was to drag Alex into this hell.

"Dr Chapman. I'm most concerned about your behaviour, your previous hospital produced a glowing résumé. Dr Vause has always spoken of you in a positive light and praised your clinical acumen many times over. She obviously regards you quite highly."

Her eyes lit up. Alex had praised her? Temporarily forgetting she was on the verge of being suspended, she felt a smile creeping up on her face. It was at that exact moment Piper realised she would go to hell and back for Alex. She had been in denial for too long. It had carried on for far too long.

"Dr Fitzgerald, all I can say is that Dr Knight's so called claims are completely unfounded."

"You're nothing but a liar and a hypocrite! I cannot believe I'm forced to defend myself here. Do you know who I am! I single-handedly keep this hospital afloat. Without me this place would be nothing!" He sneered.

Piper had well and truly opened the floodgates. Wide open.

"Simon! That's enough!" Fitzgerald bellowed, clearly having had enough of Knight's outbursts.

"It is difficult to ascertain the truths," Fitzgerald began, his eyes deep in deliberation, "John, can you please page Dr Vause, he addressed the man sat beside him, "she was after all Ms Chapman's previous mentor and may be a better judge of character."

Piper swallowed hard.

_Indeed_

* * *

A knock sounded, a second later the door opened and Alex stepped in. Piper noticed her eyes travelling across the room, regarding the table of men before finally resting on Piper. Alex furrowed her brow, mildly startled at the odd setup. Her eyes pointedly looking at Piper, as if to say _what the fuck is this?_ _And why am I here?_

"Alex, please take a seat." Fitzgerald gestured.

"What is going on?" She asked, narrowing her eyes when she noticed Knight.

"Your resident has been spreading lies about me, that's what is going on." Knight answered angrily.

"Simon, please, let me ask the questions." Fitzgerald interjected.

"Alex, Dr Chapman has been accused of misconduct, what do you make of your past relationship with her?"

_Personal or professional? _

Alex's face was unreadable. Impassive. After what seemed like an eternity she finally spoke,

"She has been an exceptional mentee. Highly dedicated and professional at all times. I have _never _had any complaints about her."

Meanwhile, Knight's face had turned into an ugly shade of purple, he was practically frothing at the mouth. A vein across his forehead bulging, looking like it would burst at any minute.

"They are colluding! This is nothing but a baseless crusade against me!"

Not affected by Knight's protests, Alex continued, "Let me take this opportunity to raise my concerns about Simon's long-standing maltreatment of juniors, particularly those of the female variety." She eyed him, daring him to refute her.

"Now, now, Alex. That is a serious claim. Simon is one of our best assets. He is a world renowned surgeon." Fitzgerald spoke. His remark carrying a mildly menacing lilt.

Alex looked at Fitzgerald in disbelief, she pushed her glasses into her hair and sat up straight. If his earlier thinly veiled threat was supposed to force Alex to back off - it hadn't worked. In fact, it had the complete opposite effect.

"If you are overlooking my concerns about Simon because he's a good surgeon, then we have a huge problem on our hands. I dread to think what would happen if this type of 'swipe it under the carpet' mentality got out and the newspapers got hold of it." There was an edge to Alex's words. It went beyond the realms of politeness.

Piper realised that Alex had essentially threatened the medical director without explicitly doing so. She couldn't help admire Alex's seemingly unflappable attitude. The second she had entered that room, the waves of testosterone emitted from the men seated at the table, had parted like the red sea. Alex did not have to say anything or do anything for that matter. Her unfazed defiance was effect enough, even Knight's haughty demeanour was slowly dissipating. An unwanted plant wilting under the harsh rays of an unforgiving sun.

Fitzgerald's eyes widened his eyes, opened his mouth and closed it again, gaping like a goldfish taken out of it's tank. There was a deafening silence. Knight remained mute. For once rendered quiet.

"You wouldn't do that."

"I wouldn't do what, director?" Alex responded coolly, feigning ignorance.

"Our hospital is a highly profitable organisation…-"

"I'm quite sure legal fees to pay for top-rated lawyers would quickly change that, " raising her eyebrows, "Bankruptcy has never been pretty."

"You have put me in a difficult position. I-"

She cut him off, "No actually I have made it quite easy for you." Her gaze shifting to Knight whose mute expression had quickly changed to one of alarm and dread, his eyes anxiously darting across the room.

"Director, you can't possibly...-" Knight began.

Ignoring Knight, Fitzgerald considered Alex's comments. He turned to the side and conversed in a low tone with the two men sat beside him, who after a while all nodded in agreement to something he said. The director cleared his throat and turned around, looking at Knight who was now visibly squirming in his seat. The air of arrogance that had earlier surrounded him nowhere to be seen.

"Simon, we need to have a few words." An ominous pause. He sought eye contact with Piper, and addressed her,

"Dr Chapman you are free to return to your clinical duties."

* * *

They had left Fitzgerald's office, Piper fell into step beside Alex, barely able to keep with her long, purposeful strides. She was watching Alex, unable to miss the smug, self-satisfied smile currently painting her face, a certain confidence in her strut. She had just saved Piper out of a particularly precarious situation, and _damn_ did she know it.

Watching Alex in there, commanding the attention from people of the highest echelons, men with enough power to destroy both of their careers within seconds - was like watching a well-seasoned pro performing at their peak of fitness. And it tugged at Piper's heart. Her already saturated admiration for Alex, increasing by the thousand fold.

Noticing Piper gazing at her (the blonde's stare painfully similar to the look worn by a puppy when in awe of its ultra-cool owner), Alex turned around and spoke with a cocky grin, "Sorry, I think I may or may not have gotten your delectable supervisor fired."

Piper, still enthralled with Alex's fearless persona, missed the quip, looked up realising she was being spoken to, "Huh?"

Alex arched her eyebrows in mild amusement, "I just single-handedly rid Litchfield's most undesirable _fuckwad _from its premises and you're not even listening!"

"Sorry, I was just thinking of how you were such an ace in there." Piper said smiling in dorky wonder and continued, "A middle finger at the establishment, so to speak."

"I had to rid humanity of its filth. I had no other choice." Alex jested.

Piper scoffed at Alex's apparent selflessness. "If I didn't know any better, I'd wager my bet and say you enjoyed destroying Knight."

Alex kept on walking, they reached the main corridor before turning right towards the main hospital.

"Yeah well he had it a long-time coming." Alex finally responded, smiling, "It was a golden opportunity, I couldn't _fucking_ miss it." She raised her arms towards the ceiling, "Damn, that felt good."

"So it wasn't out of the goodness of your heart but more a morbid form of one-upmanship." Piper spoke out loud, more to herself than to anyone else.

Alex suddenly swiveled around, her eyes indignant, "Wow grateful much?"

Piper stuttered, realising she had gone a little too far, through hooded eyes, she produced a coyly innocent smile, "I guess I felt a little sorry for him despite the man's general _Ihatewomenandeverythingaboutthem _ideals. All I'm saying is that you were relentless."

"Right, I'll try and find a compliment in there somewhere. But I think I may need a magnifying glass to help me find it."

Piper simply rolled her eyes.

With no particular destination in mind in terms of where they were going - they had somehow ended up standing in front of Alex's office, both acutely aware of this significant yet natural, mutual decision. Alex fished a bunch of keys out of her pocket and unlocked the doors, stepping into the expanse of the room. The sun had finally conquered its constant seesaw battle with the heavy overcast clouds and stubbornly shone its rays through the thick mist, shrouding the room in a bright, winter shine.

Piper plopped herself onto a sofa situated at the far-right of the room, located beneath a shelf stacked with various little knick-knacks, no doubt accumulated throughout Alex's past travels.

Her gaze fell back onto Alex, who had her hand raised, specifically three fingers, her eyebrows raised, cockily staring at her. Piper realised the gesture was supposed to trigger a response from her, as if it had been a sign they had previously practiced between them, but her face remained blank.

"I know I'm supposed to miraculously understand what that woefully vague cue is supposed to mean but sorry, you'll have to be more clearer."

Alex exhaled loudly, putting her hand back down by her side, looking slighly peeved, instead she explained, "This is the third favour you owe me."

Piper scrunched up her eyebrows, "I didn't know you were keeping count."

"Well someone has to, don't you think?"

"I don't want to feed into your ego."

"There is that ungratefulness again."

"I'm not ungrateful!" Piper retorted.

"Yes you are, and you don't even know it. Remind me _not_ to save your ass again. " Entertaining Piper with her eyes, "The first time with that drugged up asshole who nearly ended you and now this."

"Oh, you want me to get back onto my knees again?" Piper jokingly asked, folding her legs up on the sofa trying to reach a comfortable position.

"You could."

"That's not happening again, so don't even bother."

Alex simply chuckled, probably reminiscing on that time she had gotten Piper to kneel in front of her without lifting a single finger. She switched her computer on and waited for it to load, impatiently biting her nails.

Suddenly the shock wore off. The lightheartedness of their conversation a cover for the seriousness of the situation. She had nearly been fired. Nearly been told in no uncertain terms to pack her bags and get the _fuck_ out.

All through her high-school Piper had never gotten into trouble, always being the type of student who passionately avoided trouble like the plague. And here she was hauled before the hospital board. Although not through her own fault but still hauled, nevertheless. She had been a hairbreadth's away. And that had been downright scary. Surreal even.

"I genuinely believed I was going to get suspended." Piper mumbled after a drawn out silence.

"Why's that?" Alex scoffed., lazily swivelling in her desk-chair. Her off-handish question mildly suprising Piper. The blasé nature of her question, implying that Piper's meeting had been nothing more than a blip in her normal working day. Not one that had been pivotal in deciding whether she would be keeping her job or packing her bags and move back in with her parents.

"Knight's all bark but no bite." Alex corrected herself, "Actually no, dogs have more balls than that slimy dweeb. He's a _fucking _cockroach. Something to crush with your shoes."

Piper grew serious, "Because I thought that meeting was called because of _us_"

"Us?" Alex echoed, stopping her chair, and faced Piper whilst tilting her head. "What do you mean _us?"_

Piper suddenly felt self-conscious under Alex's sudden change in demeanour, her hand playing across her neck - She carefully thought out her answer before speaking out loud,

"I meant I thought this meeting was happening because of what occurred between us. You know..."

She grew red not wanting to articulate on their encounters. Encounters that were passionate but always painfully short-lived. And by encounters she meant, their kisses. Kisses, that always ended up being interrupted, never reaching their peak. Never developing into _more. _

_"_Oh." Was Alex's simple response.

Deciding that this was an invitation for Piper to elaborate, she carried on, "Frank. He was in the ER and, and he...-"

"What do you mean Frank was here?" Alex cut her off, suddenly jumping out of her seat, standing up. "Did he follow you to the hospital?"

"No. I mean no, he was pissed drunk and he was shouting all sorts of things."

"What things?"

"You know about us." Hoping Alex understood what she was trying to elucidate.

"Saying...?" Alex was growing impatient.

"Everyone was there...it was so, so-"

"Piper! _Jesus fuck_! Spill it out!" Alex was practically seething, exasperated at Piper's painfully slow revelation.

Piper's eyes snapped back into focus and landed on Alex's before flicking her gaze away again. "He recognised me and then started drunkenly ranting about us about that time we were at the bar couple of weeks ago."

Alex grew silent, pursing her lips in silent anger. "That mother-fucking asshole, so that's what this is about."

"He was drunk. So he probably didn't realise." Piper supplied attempting to play down Frank's actions, worried about Alex's hot anger, anxious that she would do something stupid.

"I don't give a shit. That lowly bastard needs a taste of his own _goddamn_ medicine."

"Alex, the police can deal with this." She pleaded, "Wait, what do you mean 'that's what this is about'?" Piper asked, picking up on Alex's ominous remark.

Alex locked eyes with her, "I got a call from the police department yesterday, stating that a man named Frank is pressing charges against me for harassment and physical assault."

"What!" Piper unfolded her legs and threw them back onto the floor, pushing herself upright, her back ramrod.

"You heard right."

"Physical assault? What assault?"

"I guess that time at the bar, when I manhandled him and told him to get the fuck out." Alex sighed dejectedly, her face sullen.

"Well, the police cannot do anything without any concrete proof. And anyway, its your words against his." Piper reasoned.

"Tell that to them."

"What do you mean?" Piper tentatively asked, her stomach churning, the blood rushing through her ears.

Alex sat back down as if her legs could no longer bear her weight. Her jaw muscles working into a tense clinch. Eyes staring straight ahead. A valiant attempt, Piper realised. The only other option was to collapse into a heap of tears. Something which Piper would have immediately succumbed to. But Alex was not Piper. She was Alex. Steadfast and resilient.

"They're using my previous police involvement as character building. Basically my credibility is shot to pieces."

"Police involvement?" Piper's eyes widened.

"My shitty childhood neighborhood was well known to the police, which means _you're _well known to police. Crime or no crime. " She scoffed, "They don't give a shit, as long as they fulfilled their crime targets. Even if that means telling a twelve year old me, not to step onto the grass, as a means of reaching those_ fucking_ targets."

_The police really did that?_ Piper thought. She had always heard about supposed corruption within the police but always took sensationalised news-items featuring police bribery and the like with huge doses of salt. Surely it was just that? Sensationalised. It didn't mean it actually existed.

She cringed. Painfully realising that her privileged upbringing permitted her immunity against those sorts of _things_. Just an abstract term thrown about carelessly during social gatherings and afternoon luncheons.

In their wealthy community, the _police _consisted of the friendly cop dealing with stolen garden plants or neighbourly disputes over parking space.

"What the fuck?" Piper exclaimed in genuine outrage. "Do they not have record of your harassment complaints against that creep?"

"Apparently they have 'lost' the case amidst their _massive _workload." Alex muttered in a tone dripping with a healthy dose of sarcasm, thinly covered with bitterness.

"Oh my god, Alex, I'm so sorry."

Absently she looked at Piper, "Yeah well for every dark night, there's a brighter day." Alex studied her nails, before lifting her head, "Or in other words; shit happens."

* * *

For the past week, Piper had been immersed in exam revision. The residency exams were known to be one of the hardest postgraduate exams to ever grace the medical field. Half her week had been spent studying. The other half had mostly consisted of eating and sleeping.

Less of the sleep and more of the eat. Not a good combination she had come to realise as she blearily rubbed her eyes, forcing herself to make it past the next chapter of the textbook she had been reading. She had not been to the hospital for the last week as she had been granted study leave. She had grown accustomed to absently staring at the four walls of their apartment lounge. She pushed her chair back and placed her hands behind her head, and traced the imperfections of the ceiling with her eyes, her mind drifting to Alex.

As if her revision hadn't been difficult, it was made even more difficult by the constant worrying. Worrying for Alex and her affair with the creep that was Frank. The number of times she had picked up her mobile phone and had deliberated on whether to ring Alex had been too many to count.

_Sometimes the questions were complicated and the answers simple._

Each day she hadn't heard anything was a day that passed in vain. _No news is good news right? _

All of a sudden fatigue clouded her brain, making the thinking process that much harder. Although she desperately wanted to make contact with Alex and help her in whatever way she could, she knew she could not afford to waste the little remaining time she had before the exam, which was happening in no less than two days

Her stomach jolted violently. Only 48 more measly hours.

She focused back onto the open page, now crinkled with the imprint of her face. She had earlier used it as a pillow during one of her many naps. Reluctantly she turned the page, and gave the heading a perfunctory glance over; _Th1 cells; their role in the immune system. _

Good god, no wonder she was struggling with her concentration. She threw her pen down, slapped the book closed and sighed a deep, uncaring sound as she for the umpteenth time picked up her phone and scrolled through the contact list, coming to a stop at Alex's name. _  
_

Her thumbs hovering over the _message _button. Debating.

Piper began typing out a message, when her phone buzzed in her hand, startled she nearly dropped it into her cold coffee placed beside her. Catching it just in time, she glanced at the sender name; _Alex _

Her head snapped up, stiffening in surprise, she blinked several times before she hastily fumbled with the buttons to open the message;

**_Alex: Guess what? Fucking Frankie boy has been charged with harassment. Thought I'd let you know. _**

Piper reread the message a few times over, her mind slowly registering the meaning behind the words. She exhaled slowly and sat back in her chair. Her books forgotten. Slowly she allowed herself to smile. Pure relief slackening her muscles which had been permanently tensed for the past seven days. The relief was slowly replaced with surprise. How did she get her number? She quickly typed out a reply.

**_Piper: How did you get my number?_**

She waited for a response, imagining Alex sat somewhere, most likely her office, her legs on her desk, a pleased smile covering her face.

A minute later, her phone buzzed, signalling the arrival of a text.

**_Alex: I just tell you, my nightmare has come to an end, and that's your reply? Geez._**

Piper rapped herself on the head. Jesus, she could be such a dense bitch sometimes. She quickly responded attempting to amend things.

_**Piper: Oh my god, Alex I'm so happy for you!** _

A few seconds later,

**_Alex: Too late now. PS: And I got your number by reading your splendid resume. I never took you for a girl that loved boxing. Hmmm._**

Two things happened to Piper. Firstly, she realised Alex had basically never even read her resume prior to their first ever meeting. Secondly, her face heated up with embarrassment when she thought of all the questionable 'hobbies' she had put in the extra-curricular section.

How was she supposed to know that it was going to be read by Alex? When she had submitted her piece to the administrative department at Litchfield hospital, she assumed an old greying man with half-moon glasses or a bored middle-aged woman with a large waist would read it.

Not _Alex._

**_Piper: So what? It's my way of getting release. _**

She was proud of her response, it conveyed just the right amount of nonchalance and wit. The phone vibrations jerked her out of her smug thoughts.

**_Alex: There are a few other ways of getting release. I could help with that if you'd like..._**

_Holy shit._ Images that she was too embarrassed to think about flooded her mind. Images that thankfully remained within the vault of her imaginative mind. She felt herself growing hot under her sweater, inadvertently licking her lips. A jolt of electricity crossing her lower stomach. The grin that swept across her face hurt her cheeks, such was the extent of it.

Suddenly someone jerked her shoulders, nearly jumping out of her chair, she spun around, meeting Polly's curious face looking over her shoulder.

_How long had she been stood here? And how much had she seen?_

"What are you smiling about?" Polly asked, pushing a chair beside Piper, trying to glance at her phone.

"Nothing." She scolded, annoyed at the clear invasion of privacy.

"Is it your giiirrlllll-fwennnd?" She asked in an exaggerated toddler voice.

Piper pulled a face, "Pol, just go away." She grumbled, not sharing Polly's cheery enthusiasm in the slightest.

Registering that Piper was not in the mood, Polly stood up and sauntered into the kitchen, "Whatever. You want some ice-cream?" Piper heard the fridge-door opening and closing.

"No thanks!" She automatically answered, barely even listening, eagerly looking at her phone to see if she had missed any messages.

"It's nice and cold though!" Polly shouted.

Piper looked up and glanced at Polly who was now leaning against the doorway, slowly licking a spoon covered in partially melted vanilla ice-cream. Her face appearing decidedly smug, and started with a knowing smile;

"You know, instead of the cold shower?"

Piper had the grace to look down. Blushing hard. Silently cursing Polly's stealth skills.

* * *

_AN: Thank you all. Please review!_


	13. Bittersweet

13\. Bittersweet.

* * *

It felt light in Piper's hands. Deceptive in appearance. Her whole future had been decided based upon the contents of this ordinary envelope. So generic in appearance. So unassuming.

She was sat by the kitchen island, having held the unopened letter in her hand for the past quarter of an hour. Just staring at it, studying the random creases etched across it. Her heart increasing in tempo for each second that passed. It had been a week since she had sat the three hour exam. It had been a killer. She couldn't decide on what was worse, the waiting or partaking in the actual exam. She settled on the waiting. A week of waiting. A week of agony. Her patience tested to the very limit. Just then, a worrying thought settled deep in her stomach.

_What if she had failed?_

Her last month hadn't been exactly blemish-free. In between being called to disciplinary meetings, changing supervisors, outed by unwanted stalkers and…Alex. No, she hadn't been exactly focused on revision. Far from it. She hoped the little she _had _done was enough to scrape a pass. But what if it wasn't enough?

_It's fine. It wouldn't matter that much, if she failed. _

She could still re-take it. Her heart slowed down momentarily as the false reassurance reached the confines of her brain. Before speeding up again, her hands sweaty and clammy as a new more disquieting thought entered her mind. _What if she failed again? _

The frightening possibility of becoming a degenerate, cat-lady with no job would become a much more feasible reality. _Oh god. _In today's post-recession America, no job equals no roof over your head. She'd be a _homeless _spinster with only first-aid skills to show for her pitiful existence.

_And_ accompanied only by cats. _Many of them_.

"Wait, what?" Piper voiced out loud. She shook her head, shuddering, admonishing herself on her outrageous prophecy.

_Fuck. _

She ripped open the envelope, her hands shaking, fingers barely able to grasp the letter. Her dexterity was shot to pieces.

Holding her breath, she unfolded the piece of paper and nervously read the single line printed across it.

_Result: Pass. Final Mark: 83% - Honours. _

Piper hadn't realised, but she had been holding her breath in for the past minute. In a single loud exhale of relief and elation she squealed with delight, throwing the letter on the floor. She grabbed her phone and hastily texted Polly, informing her of the news.

Piper jumped out of her stool, swaying slightly, lightheaded with giddiness. Drunk on happiness.

All of a sudden, a pressing thought entered her head. She glanced at the clock: nearly seven in the morning. There were a few things she had to sort out before she headed into work. Plopping herself onto the sofa, still smiling, she grabbed her laptop and began typing out an email.

It was about time she dealt with the consequences of her actions.

* * *

Alex was unlocking the door to her office, about to push down the handle, when someone lightly tapped on her shoulder. She turned around and was met with Fitzgerald's curious stare.

She looked behind him, he was alone. _What did he want?_

"Sir?" She spoke when she realised he was going to continue staring at her, if she didn't say anything.

"It seems you must have made quite an impression."

She did not have the faintest idea on what he was talking about. Irritated at his melodramatic jibe she carried on opening her door.

"Chapman."

She turned back around, looking him in the face, "What about her?" Alex asked tersely.

"I said, you must have made quite an impression on her." He answered without really answering the question.

"I really don't understand what you're talking about, director. If you haven't got anything else to say, I suggest you carry on with your business, and I with mine."

His face relaxed at her remark, "Oh, you must have not checked your emails yet."

She tilted her head, unsure on how to respond but Fitzgerald was already beginning to walk away but not without delivering a final remark. "I'm watching you, Vause."

Slowly shaking her head, Alex opened the door, kicking her shoes off. _Fuck,_ she hadn't realised how much her feet had been aching. Pondering over Fitzgerald's remark, she tried to make sense on what he meant by it. She surmised it had something to do with Piper's meeting a few weeks ago. _Fuck it. _She'd deal with it later. Turning her attention to her computer screen, she opened her email and saw the last two messages were from Piper.

_What was this for,_ she wondered. Reluctantly remembering the previous occasion she had received an email from the young resident. The one where she had been asking for a change in supervisors. It hadn't been a particularly pleasant email. Nevertheless, Alex opened the email, albeit slightly hesitant.

_Alex,_

_God I feel like such a dumbass writing this. I would have done this in person but as you have probably realised by now, I've been on study leave for the past couple of weeks… _

At that line, Alex chuckled softly. She had definitely _realised. Realised_ from the very first day. Although she didn't want to admit it; she had missed her. A lot. What was that thing people said? You only miss it when it's not there anymore. How accurate and apt. She carried on reading;

_…I'm back today, but wasn't sure when we'd cross paths, so yeah. Anyway, I guess what I wanted to say was I'm heading back to all things cardio. Fuck neuro. Never liked it anyway. I hope you don't take this the wrong way but it was my kind of shitty attempt at avoiding you. Plus, the fact that cardio has way more sexy doctors working in it played a huge role in my decision making.I mean how could I resist? Seriously? _

_Piper._

Alex closed the email. Grinning. Her smile faded when she realised that Fitzgerald had been referring to this email. _Fuck!_ Did Piper accidentally CC him into the email? Alex quickly glanced at the subject line, thankfully she hadn't. So how had he known?

She spotted a second email from Piper and opened it, immediately noticing this one had the director CC'd in.

_Dear Dr Vause,_

_Further to your appointment as my supervisor for the duration of my cardiology rotation..._

Alex stopped reading and couldn't help but laugh out loud, when she realised this was the alternative version of the first email, one that mercifully didn't contain the personal touch. Or the overt flirting.

* * *

On her way to the hospital Piper had been unable to keep the news to herself and rang her mother, "Mum! I passed. I got 83%! Can you believe it?" She poured animatedly. "I can't believe it! I thought I failed. At one point-" The words died on her lips, fizzling out, when she realised that her mother had not spoken a single word.

The line was deadly silent, before her mother's subdued, "Oh." Crackled through the tinny speakers. A two letter utterance filled with disappointment.

Piper's happy mood faltered, her smile slowly dissolving into pursed lips, tightening her grip around the phone into an iron-hold, barely able to stop herself from shaking. She should have known. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. _Why did she call her?_

"What did your colleagues get?" Her mother asked in a sickly sweet tone, oblivious to her daughter's raging silence.

_Just once, that's all she asked. Just once, to be happy for her and not compare her to other people._

"I don't know. I didn't ask." Piper answered curtly, through clenched teeth, with more bitterness injected than she had intended. If her mother had noticed her daughter's brusque answers, she didn't let it show.

"Your father had been asking about you. I'll tell him it had been an unforgiving exam to justify _that _score."

Ignoring her mother's patronising remark, "Anyway, I'd thought I'd let you know." Piper mumbled, desperate for the conversation to come to an end. The urge to fling her phone across the corridor was becoming all too great.

"Of course, darling." The overly polite nature of her mother's response was a compensation for her obvious disapproval and probable displeasure at Piper's _measly _80+ score.

"Say hi to dad for me." She muttered dejectedly, her throat closing as a tight as a vise. Gratefully hanging up. Cutting her off.

_Damn it. _ No matter how much she had learnt to brush off her mother's demoralising comments, they still hit her where it hurt the most. Suddenly she was catapulted back to her childhood, painfully recalling the countless tragic attempts at trying to impress her mother. She had used academics to get her attention: winning spelling bees and geography contests, netting a string of straight A's, getting into every college she applied to. However she was always never good enough.

It was drilled into her that no matter what she did, she would never reach her parents impossibly high standards. Instead of praise (like normal parents) she was always rewarded with a subdued pat on the back. More out of obligation then a genuine response. All were memories sitting bitter in her stomach. Fermenting into a poisonous mix. Remaining dormant in her mind.

Piper's shoulders slumped. Struggling with her restraint. She resented herself for surrendering to this weakness and succumbing to it. The intense animosity towards her parents had insidiously creeped up on her to the point where she realized that _they_ and she were at two separate ends of a morbid spectrum. Two parallel lines that no matter how far they traveled would _never _meet. _Ever. _

She vaguely realised she was nearing the library. Tears blinded her vision and she quickly wiped them away, she rounded a corner having reached the end of the corridor nearly colliding into Alex.

"This is becoming a bit of a regular occurrence. Are you following me?" Alex asked teasingly. A pause, her eyes lit up when she realised it was exam results day, "Oh, how did your exams go?" Nudging her in the shoulder. "No doubt, acing them."

Silence.

Noticing Piper's lack of response, Alex properly studied her for the first time. Noting the obvious depressed mood, Alex halted her teasing and grew serious, searching Piper's eyes. After a few moments, she grabbed her by the hand with a gentle pressure - not pushy or demanding, but with...care. Piper could feel the warmth of Alex's hand coursing through hers. "Come on."

Piper let herself get led by Alex. She was still reeling from her phone call with her mum. What kind of _goddamn_ parents did she have? _Fuck. _

Through her haze of anger, she barely noticed that they had arrived at the doctor's lounge. Piper hardly ever came here. It was a medium-sized room, dotted around with comfortable sofas and haphazardly placed beanbags - a large TV bolted against the far wall. The room was occupied by two men playing snooker, Alex approached them and spoke to them in a low voice. Whatever she had said to them worked as the men nodded their heads, stopped their game and quietly left the room.

"You want a drink?" Alex asked approaching the fridge after the men had closed the door behind them.

"No thanks." Piper replied flatly.

She poured an orange juice anyway, and sat beside Piper, the small sofa shifting with their weight.

"You know you can always retake the exam. Honestly, it is nothing to worry about. Half of the year pass after two attempts."

Piper remained silent. Barely hearing Alex's words of comfort. Unwittingly so. Alex placed her hand on Piper's leg and spoke, "Piper, I promise it's nothing. It happens to the best of people."

Silence.

"I guess what I'm trying to-"

"I passed." Piper suddenly said. Her words disjointed. Her expressionless voice sounded weird to her ears.

Alex looked at Piper in confusion, before her expression turned into one of delight, "Piper's that's awesome! Well done."

"With honours…83%" She finished, eyeing Alex with a sudden focused concentration, watching her face, watching her mouth. An odd expression of trepidation. One of apprehension. Waiting for Alex's reaction. _Fuck. _Years of her darling parents' fake praise had turned Piper into a suspicious, paranoid wreck.

Alex's serious face transformed into a wide smile "That's amazing!" She patted her on the shoulder, "Fuck, you're smarter than me. People barely get above the seventies let alone 83%."

Alex's tone was casual but underneath a clear sense of pride shone through.

Piper couldn't bring herself to break out into a smile. Even though Alex's words had comforted her. Rekindled her confidence, she couldn't rise above the misery she felt.

Alex faced her, regarding her properly, holding Piper's hand.

"No, seriously though, what's wrong?"

"Nothing. Don't worry about it." Piper could hear the hollowness and insincerity in her voice.

"You sure?" Her eyes filled with genuine concern.

"Yeah, positive."_ God she felt like such a fraud._

Alex studied her, looking into her eyes, appraising Piper's mood for a moment. She seemed to deliberate something, finally pressing her lips together. Respecting, Piper's obvious silent pleads to drop the subject, Alex didn't press any further.

For that Piper was grateful.

"Thank you." Piper answered scarcely able to maintain a steady tone, forcing herself to look away. She felt her ears growing hot, barely managing to hold in the tears that had been threatening to spill out ever since that wretched phone call. Alex's overjoyed reaction was a far cry from her mother's muted response.

The resentment towards her parents intertwined with how touched she was by Alex's jubilant response, made her suddenly realise what a foolish person she'd been. How she had denied her feelings towards the person sat beside her. How she had pushed away the one person who _understood _her. Accepted her.

Her heart felt too big for her chest, and Piper struggles. She struggles hard with the unfamiliar feelings of…of _love. _A feeling that can feel as mundane and necessary as air – just existing within it, almost unnoticing. Deprived of it, it had felt like an obsession; all consuming, a physical pain. A black hole, unrelenting in its destructive power. All consuming. And the realization shocked her. To her _very_ core.

Unaware of Piper's internal struggle for composure, Alex stood up her back facing Piper, talking over her shoulder, "I think there's some leftover cake in the fridge - let me get some." Alex had taken no more than two steps before she was halted by Piper's firm hand encircling her forearm, forcing her back onto the sofa.

"I don't want cake."

"Okay, no cake then. Alex chuckled softly." I guess there's some-"

Piper cuts off Alex with a kiss. The action arrests her, it's not what the dark-haired doctor was expecting.

"I want you." Piper finished.

Alex momentarily paused, looking into Piper's eyes with a profound, longing stare. _Looking_ into her eyes, into her soul, deep into her very being. Piper feels naked. Susceptible. Vulnerable. Alex had that effect on her.

Suddenly, the want fizzles out of Alex's eyes but was instead replaced with an expression of sobriety – tinged with an innocent uncertainty. "Is this going to end up with you crying with regret again? 'Cause I can't deal with that again. You can't do that to me, you know, the false sense of hope, I just-"

"Alex?"

"Hmmm?"

"Shut up."

Piper skimmed her fingertips across Alex's cheek, her skin warm and flushed. _Anticipatory. Alive. _

Alex remained motionless. Stock-still. Holding her gaze. Holding her breath. Just _looking _at Piper. A look laden with all the affection in the world. Burning Piper with it. Basking her in it.

Piper couldn't imagine why Alex looked at her that way. _Six billion_ people in the world and a person so perfect, so different, so alike, had chosen _her._ The fact alone was more than she deserved, more than _she _could process. Bracing her hand, Piper closed her eyes and dropped her head a fraction, before seeking Alex's lips. Pressing them against hers, savouring the softness of the embrace. And it felt good. So _good. _

Piper lifted her other hand to Alex's face, burying it in her hair. Their surroundings vanished; the only thing Piper was aware of was the breath-taking heat against her lips. And she wanted more. _More. _Had been wanting more ever since they first set eyes upon each other. And the revelation stunned Piper.

She wrapped her arms around Alex's neck and hung on, throwing herself into the heat. Relishing in it. Shifting her weight, gripping Alex's shoulder, barely maintaining her balance. Her vision. Her feelings. Kaleidoscopic. Fractured, _whole._ All at once. _  
_

Piper vaguely realised that anyone could walk in at any minute, but then a hand was on her thigh and the thought disappeared as fast as it had invaded her mind. Pure wanton enveloped her senses pushing all thoughts of logic out of her mind. The hand moved upwards, snaking underneath her scrub top, the fingers hot and electric against her skin. Sizzling. Exploring.

She felt euphoric.

_Buzzing._ Something was buzzing. It broke through the sexual haze and she groped around the sofa, searching for the source. A mobile phone.

Piper pulled away for a split second, enough to whisper, "Alex, it's yours."

"Let them call back." Alex answered her words barely intelligible, licking her lips, still wet from hers. Breathing hard.

"Are you sure?"

"_Fuck_ the phone."

"It could be-"

But Alex didn't let her finish, diving in again, giving her more. _More._ It was a pulsing in her head, overriding any other thought, spreading to her head, between her legs. That hand _again._ On her thigh, moving up, thumbs teasing closer and closer with every stroke. It was _good _but not nearly _good_ enough. A mere teardrop against a raging forest fire. She burned. Wanted _more. Needed_ all of Alex. Now.

"More?" Alex whispered, her mouth hovering a breath away from Piper's lips. She looked up, her gaze locking on her face, hot and needy.

Tormented, Piper opened her mouth to answer, barely lucid.

But Alex jerked away, a second later Piper leapt to her feet, cursing silently as both their pagers went off in unison. The rhythmic beeping knocking them out of their charged reverie.

"People dying..." Alex disappointedly muttered, wiping her mouth and straightening out her clothes. "...Takes precedence, unfortunately."

"Uh huh." Piper headed for the door, when Alex's hand shot over her shoulder, slamming it closed. Trapping her between the door and a very turned-on Alex. Caged in from behind, Piper closed her eyes, shivering when she felt Alex's hot lips skim the _very _sensitive area of her neck, hovering over her ear. "I'm not done with you yet," she whispered hoarsely before spinning Piper around and planting a hungry kiss on her lips. Wild, darkly possessive. Without another word, Alex released her, opened the door and began crossing the hallway. She turned her head, "You coming?"

With enormous effort, Piper forced her gaze upward to meet hers. She had been frozen in place. Swallowing _hard. _She forced her legs to move and follow Alex out of the doorway. Her lips still throbbing. Still wanting _more._

* * *

The ER doors slammed open.

"We've got a code in progress!" the ambulance driver yelled.

Everyone scrambled to unload the stretcher. Piper caught a quick glimpse of a young woman, her face pale and slack-jawed. A breathing tube strapped down her throat.

"She arrested on the way here! We were actually on our way to Manhattan General, but figured we had no time to waste."

"What's the history?" Alex snapped.

"Major car pile up. Broken bones. Significant blood loss. Difficult to maintain airway so we had to tube her." The young paramedic reeled off, his forehead glistening with sweat.

They rushed the young woman through the double doors, the driver still pumping on the chest as the stretcher careened to a halt into one of the trauma rooms. Everyone immediately sprang into action.

"IVs in!"

"Oyxgen on!"

"Bloods running through!"

"Electric leads on!" Another voice yelled.

Piper's mouth was dry. She felt like a spare wheel in the midst of the controlled chaos. She resigned herself to a quiet corner of the room, taking heed not to stand in anyone's way.

"Someone switch on the _goddamn _heart monitor!" Alex yelled. Quickly, Piper flipped the switch and the screen lit up with life. Alex glanced at the screen, "We've got sinus rhythm. Stop compressions." She continued.

"We're barely able to get a palpable pulse!" A young nurse exclaimed. "What shall we do?" Looking up at Alex for help.

"Push the fluids through faster." Alex answered, whilst slapping her stethoscope on the chest and listening over the lungs. Then over the heart, she could barely hear any heart sounds. Glancing up again at the monitor, she saw a fast heart-rate. The green lines furiously jiggling up and down. Why didn't the girl have a strong pulse? Either the girl was shocked from the significant blood loss. Or...

Alex focused on the patient's neck noticing the bulging of the neck veins. Suddenly it all became clear. As clear as day. How could they have missed it.

"Piper!" Alex shifted her gaze at the resident, "Listen to the chest, specifically the heart. Tell me what you can hear."

After a few seconds of listening to the chest, Piper looked up her eyes widening in incredulity, "Does she have a tamponade?"

"Well I'll be damned. Well done."

Piper positively beamed. Her joy was shortlived when she was thrown a packet containing a rather massive needle. "Its yours for the taking." Alex winked, "You earned it."

Piper pulled on gloves and removed the thick syringe from the plastic wrapping, she took a deep breath, the tip of the needle hovering over the patient's chest. A sudden feeling of deja vu, flooded her senses. Thrown back to the time she was in the OR with Knight; stood in this exact position, holding a needle over a dying patient. She didn't know if she had in her. _Could she do this? _She had spectacularly failed at it before.

Her hands shaking. The monitor beeping. Surrounded by pure bedlam. Phones ringing. Pagers beeping. People shouting. It was all too much. She hesitated. Her resolve waning. Wavering.

Alex's soft, reassuring voice cut through the commotion, "You can do this, Piper." Her hand gently rested on her shoulder, "I know you can." Piper looked up, looking at Alex, whose head was nodding with encouragement. "Everyone quiet!" She ordered at the group.

"Okay here goes." Piper muttered to herself. She pierced the skin with the needle angling it straight at the heart . She could feel her own pulse hammering against her chest, the sweat dripping. A flash of blood filled the syringe. She stopped right where she was. Her hands absolutely steady, eyes focused. Mouth closed with a quiet determination. Noises drowned out. _Good god, let the needle be in the right place._ She mumbled a silent prayer at the heavens, before slowly pulling the plunger back, the syringe steadily filled with blood, sucking the blood out. _Fuck! Fuck! It had worked. __  
_

Faintly she could hear the heart monitor slowing down its erratic beeping. The heart rate was steadily returning to normal.

"Blood pressure?" Alex asked one of the interns.

"Coming up!" He answered happily."100 over 80 now.

"Good."

Piper blew a huge sigh of relief. She felt a strange adrenaline rush coursing through her veins. She could hear the murmurs of amazement from several interns eyeing her admirably. Someone patted her on the back, she blinked her eyes open, not even realising they had been closed.

"You did good." Alex voice sounded beside her, before she moved even closer and whispered into her ear, dangerously husky, the caressing warmth of her breath, an added bonus, "The urge to _fucking _take you there and then is just too much for me to handle."

Piper could feel her _own _heart jump. The course of adrenaline raging through her body duly diverting its route towards a more southwards direction...

* * *

They were in her office. Alone.

Piper crossed the room and sat on Alex's lap throwing her arms around her neck.

"Uh huh. Yeah." Alex spoke into the phone all the while eyeing the blonde and running her gaze appreciatively over her body. She pulled a face at the phone, her facial expression anything but interested in the conversation she was having.

"The statistics do disprove that particular notion. I think we may have to measure the validity...-" her voice trailed off mid sentence, Alex momentarily lapsed into a mind-blank when Piper slowly but delicately removed her glasses and carefully placed them in her pockets before seductively whispering into her ear, "I've always wanted to see you without those damn glasses on, despite how sexy they look on you."

Piper could see Alex swallowing hard, her eyes darkening, staring at her with an intense gaze. The moment lasted a few seconds before she hurriedly realised she was still supposed to be talking on the phone, her eyes averted Piper's with immense difficulty.

"Yeah I'm still here. No, no. There's no one here with me." Alex replied hoarsely into the phone, "Sorry, as I was saying, there is a low probability that..."

Alex was again silenced out of talking and instead let out a low groan when Piper purposefully shifted her weight on her lap and began tracing her earlobe with the tip of her tongue, teasing her with feather-light touches.

"Are you alright?" Piper heard the voice ask through the phone, "You sound like you're in pain."

Piper snorted, it took all of her restraint not to burst out into loud guffaws. Barely able to compose herself, Alex responded in a tightly forced voice, "No, no..." Her voice trailed off as Piper's lips made their way across the nape of her neck, as she slowly and deliberately moved upwards, until they rested against Alex's lips. She tilted her head back, another groan thankfully swallowed up by Piper's teasing mouth.

"Uh huh...Okay, well, you'll look at the data?" the man asked over the phone, almost pleading.

"Uh yeah." Alex answered impatiently, pressing the end button before the man could think of any further questions to ask. Piper raised her eyebrows, only momentarily pausing, to look into Alex's green eyes.

"What? He wouldn't stop talking." She laughed. "Besides, I have more pressing issues to attend to, so don't you dare judge me," pointedly glancing at Piper who was comfortably sat across Alex's long legs.

"I see what you did there."

Alex grins with self-satisfaction. "All that college education has to come to use at some point. And the fact that I'm super smart helps with matters as well."

"My god. You have the world's biggest ego."

"Takes one to know one."

"God, I'm thirsty." Piper announced, extricating herself from Alex's lap and walking across the room in search for a beverage.

"Are you using these words purposefully to turn me on. 'Cause it's working." Alex called after her.

Returning with a bottle of water and taking a swig, Piper pushed herself against Alex. Kissing her lips with an unabated hunger. The water already forgotten. "How's that?"

"It's definitely working."

Piper was now pressed against Alex, which only served to cause unimaginable feelings to surge through the her body. She savoured the blonde's weight against her. _Where had this new daring Piper come from?_

Alex's heart pounded and her blood raced as Piper forced her closer and closer, their lips colliding.

"Wait!" Piper disentangled herself from Alex's hold for a second time and walked to the door. Alex watched after her with interest. Piper locked the door before flashing a smile at Alex. "The people at this hospital have a big issue with not knocking before bursting through doors." She explained walking back, "I don't want to take my chances again."

"Good shout."

After a long silence, Piper spoke.

"You wanna know something?"

"What?" Alex asked, lightly cupping Piper's jaw and brushing her thumbs against her cheek, pushing a strand of stray hair behind her ear.

"You were so _fucking _hot in there."

Alex lifted her eyebrow, "Last I checked I didn't have a fever." She answered in mock seriousness.

"Ha ha very funny. But seriously though, the way you were commanding everything in there, was pretty hot to watch."

"Well _your _hotness in action, saved a girl's life." Alex glanced at Piper, "That's pretty hard to top."

For some reason, Piper felt overly happy. "You know, I don't think that anyone has ever used that phrase to describe me in the history of the universe." she encircled her arms around Alex's neck, "I don't know if _I _could give you more than _that." _Piper concluded.

"Don't worry about that. Everything I've ever wanted is right here with me." She said with a grin and a sexy wink. How had Piper been previously unaffected by that wink? _Fuck. _

"Have I told you that I like you a _lot." _

It didn't seem like enough, but once the words tumbled out of Piper's mouth, Alex's grin turned into an even wider one; a heart-stopper of a smile. It was as if Piper had given the one thing Alex had been waiting for in her entire life. Before she could think of anything else to say, she was silenced by Alex's lips on hers.

They enjoyed each other's company until the orange rays of the sun were eventually replaced with the silvery-white glows of the moon.

* * *

Open message:

_Piper: Holding an exam celebration party at my place tomorrow. You in?"_

_Alex: If it's a two person party. You can count me in._

_Piper: Hilarious. A few friends of mine, will be there. You can be my secret plus one._

_Alex: Naughty. I'll have to come disguised._

_Piper: Behave._

_._

_._

* * *

The party was in full swing. Music blaring. Alcohol flowing. People mingling. For once the cold weather had subsided and made way for a relatively warm evening.

Their apartment was bustling with friends and acquintances. Although Piper had only invited a handful of people, Polly had gone all out and invited her entire work crowd.

And to Piper's suprise; Susan from the floor above. It had been a running joke between Piper and Polly that their upstairs neighbour was a closeted lesbian, who despite all the signs was still in major denial about her sexuality. Piper noticed the woman hovering by the drinks table by herself, appearing decidedly uncomfortable and looking out of place. The fact that the majority of party guests were at least two decades younger than Susan's big five-oh did nothing for the poor woman's futile effort in trying to mingle.

After a gazillion congratulatory hugs, kisses, several over-enthusiastic punches, Piper sought respite in her room. Sat beside the bedside table, she looked herself in the mirror, reapplying her minimal make-up she had hurriedly slapped on a few hours earlier. She combed her hair back with one hand, the other scrolling through her phone. Messages empty. _Where was Alex. She was late. _

"Piper! Who's the rich gal who's insisting you invited her?" Polly's voice rung from the bottom of the stairs. _Speak of the devil. _"I'm coming!" Piper shouted. Checking herself for one last time in the mirror, she practically sprinted down the stairs, purposefully slowing down her pace when she had reached the halfway mark.

Her attempt at a graceful entry was thwarted by the drunk person slumped across the the bottom three steps of the stairs. She clumsily circumvented the intoxicated body, nearly losing her balance, but luckily correcting her position just in the nick of time.

Piper approached the door which was held partially closed by Polly, effectively blocking Alex's entry. Piper realised Polly had at some point during the course of the evening taken up the job as a doorman. Poor girl, her law firm must be a _fucking _dull to place to work at, if this is what she had to resort to, Piper amusingly thought. To her credit, her friend _had_ got rid of a a few unsavoury gatecrashers.

Turning her attention to the situation at the door, Piper stood beside Polly.

"You want to see my I.D. as well?" Alex smirked, pretending to pat her pockets in search for an I.D.

"Do you know her?" Polly asked annoyed, ignoring Alex's jibes. "I don't know of any friends of Piper's driving flashy cars" Polly declared whilst suspiciously eyeing Alex's double-parked Lexus across the street.

"Who the _fuck_ are you?" Alex retorted irritably. Turning to Piper, she asked, "Are you paying her? Because if you are, your _bodyguard _is not doing a very good job."

"Polly, meet Alex. Alex, meet Polly." Piper sighed, eyeing Alex with a look closely resembling the specific look a mother casts at her misbehaving child.

Polly's eyes widened at the mention of Alex's name, her mouth gaping open. Her eyes betraying shock and surprise.

_"She's_ Alex?" She asked, staring at Piper with a dumbfounded expression, clearly having forgot the person in question was stood no more than a foot away from her.

"Now that you have verified my identity, can I actually come in?" Alex asked, unfazed by Polly's dramatic reaction.

Polly removed her foot from the side of the door and reluctantly held it wider, the gap just about enough for a person to squeeze through. As Alex brushed Piper she whispered into her ear, "Polly? Really? People actually exist with that kind of a name?"

Piper held back a splutter of laughter. Guilty, she quickly glanced at Polly whose eyes were shooting daggers at Alex.

"I heard that."

Uh oh. This was going to be a _great _night.

* * *

_AN: Oh, I love a bit of banter. wink wink._

_Thank you all for the wonderful reviews!_


	14. Twas a snowy night, full of suprises

14\. 'Twas a snowy night full of surprises.

* * *

Alex looked different; dressed in everyday wear.

The entire time she had been partially obscured by Polly and the front door and so hadn't particularly paid attention to Alex's choice of clothes-wear. All earlier mundane thoughts that had been occupying her mind disappeared in a flash when her eyes had properly regarded Alex for the first time. Alex was in the process of removing a black beanie, her cheeks flushed from the outside chill, eyes sparkling, she flashed her a wide smile. Piper could not help but mirror the happiness emanating from Alex.

Suddenly Piper was overcome with a nervous energy and desperately wanted a still gaping Polly to leave them in peace. Alex slid out of her black leather jacket, and brazenly hung it on the stair banister.

The sight that beheld Piper's eyes was enough to cause her to feel like she had been struck by lightning. It was as if an unknown entity was holding her in place, for she was completely and utterly frozen to the spot.

Alex was clad in all black, which oddly, Piper found unsurprising. The biker-chic suited her.

She was wearing skin-tight leather pants, the sort whose sole existence were to accentuate those toned legs, an off-black sleeveless T-shirt with purpose frayed hems, which mercilessly hugged her figure in all the right places and also, god help her – in all deliciously wrong places. And the tattoos. Good god, the tattoos. Piper dryly swallowed, distantly aware of her blatant ogling.

_What else had that white coat been hiding?_

And then she whipped her hair. She fucking _whipped_ her hair. The sight would not have appeared out of place in a magazine shoot. Jesus Christ. Holy mother of God, and every other deity that identified itself as a god. Piper had come to the very obvious conclusion; Alex Vause was pure, unadulterated sex appeal. Piper could swear she had felt all traces of heterosexuality dissipating away from the nearby group of women gawking at Alex. She didn't blame them one bit.

With great difficulty, Piper lifted her jaw up, and forced it to reunite with the rest of her body.

Alex looked at Piper, her hair ruffled from the beanie she had been wearing. Piper noticed a few stubborn locks of hair still falling across her forehead, partially obscuring her face. How could something so ordinary, become the sexiest thing ever? _Dammit._

"Congratulations." She handed her a bottle of red wine, while running a hand through her tousled hair. Piper felt herself staring, barely able to grasp the bottle in her hand.

"Sorry I'm late. Traffic was kinda crappy."

Alex shrugged apologetically and leaned in, her eyes stalled on Piper's lips - her green eyes burning with an animalistic intensity. Before Piper could comprehend what was happening, Alex pressed her soft lips against hers, running her hands up Piper's neck and eventually resting them on each cheek. She kissed her as if Piper was the air she'd gone without for days.

Eventually, letting her go, their lips parted, "God, I've missed you." She declared in a low voice.

Piper could feel the heat rise in her face, starting at the base of her neck and surpassing her eyes until it scorched the roots of her hair. Everyone in the immediate vicinity must have been staring at them through the music-filled air, but she couldn't disengage her gaze from Alex's, even for a moment.

She felt an invisible gravitational pull that prevented her from leaving the room, voluntarily. Strangely, Piper could not care less if anyone saw them, and it appeared Alex did not seem to pay much heed to it either. _Fuck it._

Piper finally found her voice, "I'm glad you came."

Out of the corner of her eye, Piper noticed Polly's wide-eyed stare, her pursed lips a thin slash across her face and was impatiently crossing her arms, "Drinks are out in the back." She announced with a forced voice, tersely flicking her thumb over her shoulder, and vaguely pointing towards the general direction of their kitchen.

Piper didn't dare look Polly squarely in the eye, still reeling from Alex's unorthodox greeting, she wondered if its purpose had been to irritate Polly or a genuine gesture on her part. Either way she didn't really care.

"Thanks, Holly." Alex said with no real acknowledgement sounding in her tone of voice. The misnaming, earned Alex a glaring look, such was the intensity of the look; it looked to harness enough power to down a fully grown elephant. If Alex noticed; she didn't let it show, but instead confidently strolled towards the heart of the party, which pissed her friend off, even more.

"Where are the drinks at then?" She asked no one in particular.

Piper half-suspected the misnaming was deliberate and only done so to grate on Polly's nerves. She slowly followed Alex into the lounge, mindful of the fact, Alex was already rubbing Polly the wrong way so early in the evening - judging from the looks of death currently being thrown at her.

They walked towards the lounge, "Cute place you've got here," Alex announced, surveying the decor and furnishings of their small apartment.

"Yeah, this is the only thing, Polly and I could afford," Piper answered, handing her a glass of wine.

"It's nice, I like it."

They entered the kitchen, the worktops stacked with boxes of beer, crisps, as well as an assortment of the usual party edibles- made mandatory by the party gods.

Piper couldn't help but notice the several people staring after them, well more so at Alex. Several of her friends nudging each other and whispering under their breaths as if to say; who's this woman? Not surprising considering, Alex's dress sense did not in any way conform to the typical good-girl party get up. It challenged all possible convention. In their eyes, Alex was the definition of rebellion. Danger. Things, WASPy girls like her were not allowed to get into touching-distance of but secretly all craved.

Piper all of a sudden felt strangely possessive and wanted to yell, _Hey, you horny Desperate Housewives extras, she's fucking taken._ But instead she produced a strained, polite smile.

Suddenly a man jumps out in front of them, Piper did not recognise him, and so assumed he must be one of Polly's friends.

"Hi, nice to meet you, I'm Paul." He directs toward Alex, completely ignoring Piper - his hand, hanging midair, keenly waiting for the reciprocal handshake. Piper notices Paul not so covertly glancing over her shoulders, peering at something behind her.

She swiveled around and noticed a group of about three men all sporting eager and encouraging expressions directed at Paul. Ah this must be the infamous can-you-get-her-number routine, all complete with the obligatory drink in hand for added confidence. No man had ever approached a woman during a party without the aid of some Dutch courage. Poor Paul though, he must have missed the heart-arresting PDA from earlier, otherwise he'd have realised his valiant efforts were completely wasted on Alex.

Alex'a mouth tugs at the edges and amusedly shakes his hand, "And you too."

He smiles a smile that seems over the top for the response and he relaxes - in his mind he's passed the first hurdle in the futile quest of getting Alex's number.

"Great party isn't it?" He shouts over the blaring music, he surveys the room for added emphasis, "You enjoying it?"

"Yep, sure am." Alex's voice takes on a quality that verged on boredom but Paul was too blindsided to notice.

"Can I buy you a drink?"

"Its a house party. You don't have to pay." Alex corrected him, rolling her eyes, struggling to stifle an oncoming yawn.

"Oh yeah." He hits his forehead with his open palm in a theatrical fashion; if it meant to appear comical, it didn't. It looked downright pathetic. Piper surmised it was the one and only pick-up line, Paul possessed from his measly pick-up-lines box. Piper began walking away when she realised the conversation was waning, she had to play hostess after all.

But a hand grabbed her by the arm, and dragged her back, the hand now encircling her waist, "Piper my dear, would you mind, getting me and..."

"Paul." He supplied quickly.

Yes, would you mind getting Paul and I, a drink?" Alex asked Piper, before quietly whispering into her ear, "Just play along."

"Yes of course." Piper answered coyly, not too different to that of a Southern 1950's housewife. _Where had the random accent come from?_

"Thanks." Alex pressed a perfunctory kiss on her lips and (she couldn't resist) a pat on the ass. She'd later justify it to Piper by stating it was only for added theatrical effect.

Paul's eyes transformed into two rounded saucers, and he began stuttering, his companions equally shocked. "I, I'm sorry. I didn't know...I just thought...-"

"Thought what?" Alex asked in a painfully smug tone.

"I was just...never mind. I'll see you around."

Paul-what's-his-name, turned on his heel and took refuge with his friends, not daring to glance their way. When he left, they both doubled up over in fits of laughter. Piper tugged at Alex's hand, "Come on, I'll introduce you to my friends."

* * *

They were all stood around the kitchen table, which was littered with empty wine glasses, coasters, and fettered with the leftovers of cheap margherita pizza. Alex surveyed the group, Piper had earlier introduced them all to her; Emily, Julie, Felicity, Janet and of course, Polly Hobby. It was the stereotypical white girl post-college set up. It made Alex laugh, she was so far removed from this crowd of excited women, it was difficult to follow conversation.

The next half hour was spent on making polite conversation with my-name-is: insert-name-here…and my husband is great, on a wide variety of non-intellectually stimulating topics : the good and bad of wearing white and blue together, whether a clothes size four was the new size two, cake vs cookies; which one had more calories? The ideal wedding setting - a beach or city setting. Blah blah blah.

Jesus fuck, by the end of it Alex was ready to shoot herself in the head. The prospect seemed infinitely more appealing than enduring _this. _

"Fuck me sideways, twice on Sundays."

_Oh crap. _

Alex hadn't realised she had spoken that out aloud. It just sort of left her mouth. She cringed inwardly, noticing the wide-eyed stares, the disapproving gasps and the several dramatic hand-over-mouth gestures. Julie, Janet or whatever, nearly choked on the slice of pizza she had been in the process of eating. After an excruciating loaded silence, one of the women plucked her nerve and attempted to diffuse the SNAFU with an overly loud and fake laugh.

"Oh that's funny. I've not heard that one before, right girls?"

The 'girls' all looked up from their various states of disgust and nodded their heads dutifully together with a few nervous chuckles. Piper looked like she wanted the ground to swallow her whole. Alex attempted to appear repentant, but wasn't entirely sure if she was pulling it off.

"So is hospital really like how they portray it on ER?"

A woman with a questionable hairstyle asked Alex. _Emily_? Obviously unaware of the concept of personal space, Emily leant towards her, rubbing shoulders with Alex– in a failed attempt at appearing conspiratorial.

"Oh Em, I loved that show, it's such a shame that it isn't on TV anymore." A blonde-haired woman added, whose name Alex vaguely remembered was Felicity.

Realising the question was directed at her, Alex looked up from the drink she was nursing, noting the curiously expectant stares directed at her. Alex merely sighed. It was the battle-weary sigh of a doctor who had answered the same unoriginal question for the millionth time.

Alex was tempted to ask her own ignorant question; _is law really like an episode of Judge Judy?_

But she held her tongue, and instead answered, "Not really. Hospital is mostly death, illness and the occasional saved life. But mostly death."

The morbid statistic of the number of people who died under general anaesthetic was one of Alex's dinner party favourites but wisely she felt like she'd be pushing her luck, especially with this prudish crowd.

The women exchanged looks of disapproval, some even physically recoiling. _God, what a bunch of uptight prissies. _

"Of course, even on my most boring day it is infinitely more exciting than the legal profession." Alex proffered.

Polly bristled at her condescending sarcasm. Fuck, Alex knew she was being a frigid asshole of a bitch, but at least it spiced up the mind-numbing conversation.

Piper glanced at Alex and cast her a please-play-nice expression, she responded by flashing a maddeningly smug wink at her. Piper anxiously nodded at Felicity, "Of course Alex is joking, it's a very rewarding profession." All the while darting reassured smiles at her friends.

"So..." Alex turned around, and faced Janet, or was it Juliet? Either way, she faced _someone, "..._what's your line of work?" Alex could not care less about the answer but for the sake of making conversation, she voiced the first generic question that popped into her mind. _  
_

Sporting an unsure expression, the woman, hesitated, before her features relaxed and she began speaking at breakneck speed, yapping excitedly about her secretarial work and how she'd finally persuaded her darling husband to participate in a 'husbands to work day' ( did that really exist?) before breaking off and somehow ended up talking about her wretched mother-in-law. Alex's stomach dropped. _She had well and truly unleashed the hounds. _ Jeez, I didn't want your goddamn life-story, she thought miserably.

Another sluggish half hour passed, Alex felt herself slowly detaching from the general conversation, and instead she resigned herself to studying Piper, immersing herself in her mannerisms and nuances; the way her blue eyes sparkled as she peered sideways at the friend beside her, or how totally carefree she appeared whilst mid-laughter, or the way she smiled that ridiculously cute toothy grin of hers.

It was all too much for Alex. Her breath caught in her chest, overcome with the sort of reactionary feeling you get when presented with a photograph of a newly born kitten. Piper caught her off-guard when she inadvertently glanced Alex's way - noticing her transfixed stare - she winked, before looking away and carrying on with around the table conversation.

* * *

At one point during the evening, Piper excused herself from the table and headed to the bathroom, pushing open the door, she welcomed the cool air tinged with the pleasant lemony fragrance wafting from the air freshener.

She glanced at her reflection in the mirror, reapplying her smudged make-up. The door opened behind her and Polly stepped into the small confines of the room, stopping besides Piper, making a point of readjusting her hair.

Neither spoke a word, until Polly broke the impenetrable silence, "So you guys are an item now?"

Piper brushed a thin layer of foundation powder over her forehead, before turning around and regarding Polly face on.

"What do you mean?" Piper prompted, smiling innocently.

"Oh please, do _not _act all demure and coy with me. Newsflash: it doesn't work on me, unlike your other half."

"God, the word "item" sounds so high-school-ish" Piper groaned.

The pair stood side by side, the distant music, pounding through the thin walls of their bathroom.

"I don't know, Pipe, she seems stuck up her own ass."

"Aren't you happy that you have finally met her? You've been wanting to see her, ever since that first day I mentioned her."

"Yeah well. I don't like her."

"Are you talking about Alex?" Piper absently combed her hair, "Cause you _can _say her name, you know." Piper said, mildly annoyed.

"Whatever, she…- _Alex, _gives off bad vibes. And plus she's your senior. She should know better."

"You're the one who pushed me into forgiving her and sorting out our differences!" Piper countered, "Wait a minute, are you fucking jealous?" She nudged Polly in the shoulder.

"Fuck no!" She protested, "Although there's no denying it she's fucking hot. I'd give her that." In a low voice Polly whispered, "I saw Emily staring at her ass, earlier. She definitely had a hungry look about her."

Laughter bubbled up Piper's stomach and she snorted a racking laugh that shook her entire rib-cage.

"What, Emily? Happily married with three children?" She asked with obvious incredulity.

"You never know, her husband might not be delivering the goods at home. People switch teams all the time." Polly answered, her face completely deadpanned.

"Jesus Christ, Pol, your extrapolations are something to be admired."

"I'm only giving you the lowdown. Don't shoot the messenger."

"Thanks for that. Next time I'll definitely watch out for Emily's prowls." Piper answered half-heartedly, trying her hardest at not rolling her eyes.

"Seriously though, I'm just looking out for you, this Alex…I don't know how to describe her..." Her friend trailed off.

_Sinful_. That was the first word that popped into Piper's head. The second was _dangerous_. A close third was _delicious. _

"Alex…Alex is…great" Piper grinned dreamily, finishing off the sentence.

"I don't know…she seems…asshole-ish" Polly broached uncertainly.

Shrugging off Polly's skepticisms, Piper reminisced on their kiss, the butterflies in her stomach felt like a herd of elephants making a run for it. "Asshole-ish." Piper repeated, "How mature, and anyway, there's nothing to _know_. God, lighten up."

"I'm telling you."

Piper suddenly swivelled around, "Oh! You just don't like her, 'cause she keeps getting your name wrong, Molly."

Polly's expression slumps, as if she'd been outed, "It's a two syllable name, it's not that _fucking_ hard to remember."

"I knew that was the sole reason." Piper chuckled, "Go on, Pol, vent. Vent all that self-righteous anger."

"God, you're such a bitch." Polly replied exasperated.

"And that's why you love me so much."

* * *

Shamefully preoccupied, Piper would answer when prompted and nod her head in the acceptable places of conversation, but Piper and Polly both knew she was too focused on Alex. Her thoughts were interrupted time and time again.

All throughout the night, she would eagerly find herself searching for Alex. And every time she found her, Alex was gazing directly into her eyes. Her insides were swimming in a soupy drunken warmth that had more to do with the enticing allure of Alex's hooded eyes or the way her hair fell over her face, than the drink alone should allow.

They played this unforeseen game, hunting each other out at every opportunity, finding Alex, finding her staring into her wandering eyes. Sometimes she would knowingly smile at her. Others would have Piper crossing her legs, as Alex's expression darkened to invade her mind with thoughts so erotic and sensual she could feel her electric touch from across the room.

Piper would find herself embarrassingly glancing around the table, worried people would no doubt feel the sexual tension emanating from every pore of her body.

It was just _too_ damn much. _Fuck._

At some point during conversation, Polly's self-satisfied voice drifted into her ear, interrupting a particularly charged moment of what Piper now fondly called eye-sex.

"We've still got that vanilla ice-cream in the freezer. You look like you'll need some by the bucket-load."

The remark resulted in an uncomfortable squirm from Piper and a knowing wink from Polly. No doubt, she was going to hear about this one forever.

Damn her to hell.

Emily on the other side of the table wanted to talk, or rather try to conduct a conversation while closely yelling in each other's ears. "Hey, Piper! I hadn't realised you were batting for the other team!"

"Huh?"

She just caught Emily and Julie exchanging conspiratorial looks, "Yeah Piper, I've not seen you for a half a year, last I remember you were dating that cute college professor." The alcohol was really loosening everyone's tongues tonight, Piper thought, mildly annoyed at her lack of disguise.

Usually wholesome and uptight girls like them would never dare ask such personal questions – it wasn't in their nature, but alcohol was known to change whole personalities in the blink of an eye, or blinks of an eye rather. And now, was no exception.

"Yeah well, he was a _fucking_ asshole though" Polly exclaimed, "Remember that shitty text he sent you? Like who dumps people via text? It's so 2004."

Knocked out of her reverie, Piper punched Polly in the shoulder, "Hey! You kept telling me, how he was the best thing ever. If I didn't know any better, I remember you had the hots for him more than I did."

"Oooh drama!" Emily exclaimed, her voice squealing with unnecessary volume.

"Did not." Polly feebly answered, as if suddenly hit by a wave of sobriety, eradicating her earlier over-confidence.

Piper raised her eyebrows, daring her to come up with a counter, Polly wisely remained quiet. Piper continued speaking, "And anyway, what's going on with that lawyer guy you said had a nice personality but was fug-ugly, you still with him?"

"You bitch! I told you ages ago, I dumped that fucktard."

Genuinely surprised, Piper turned around, fully facing her friend, "When?"

"Like a couple of weeks ago." Polly pointedly glared at her. "You were clearly day-dreaming when I told you. Again. I wonder who about?"

Ignoring Polly's sarcastic remark, Piper drained her drink, drumming her fingers on the table in time with the beat of the music, letting herself get carried away. After a while, her eyes darting once again. Searching. More out of automaticity than a consciously made decision.

Piper doesn't quite understand why it's Alex she notices. The overt awareness, the sly, impromptu looks they shoot at one another. Their own private look-fest. It's not like Piper actively sought her out in the crowd, it just sort of keeps happening. It was like peering into a sea of grey-wearing people, and always spotting the distinct striped shirt of Wally.

It was an infinitely more satisfying alternative to the Where's Wally game. A game of Where's Alex? And unsurprisingly, in this particular game; Piper won every single time...

* * *

"Would madam care to dance?"

Piper slowly turned around, already knowing who was beckoning for her call. She didn't need to turn around to know her answer was yes when the request to dance was whispered in her ear and tingled all the way down to her feet. Glad to leave the giddy group of women, she stood up and took Alex's offering hand, savouring the lightness of the touch, Piper let herself get led to their lounge where earlier, Polly and her, had rearranged the furniture, making space for a make-shift dance floor.

"I figured you wanted to get out of _that. _The whole thing had an uncanny liking to a scene straight out of a _Sex and the City_ episode."

"You read my mind."

"And I _hate _Sex and the City."

Alex continued, "Your friends are mind-numbing to say the least. What's her name Holly, Dolly or whatever, has a voice not too dissimilar to that of a screeching hyena. _Fuck,_ my ears are still ringing, and it's definitely not from the _fucking_ music."

"Alex...be nice." Piper did have to admit to that observation, there had been occasions where she had considered earplugs during the many conversations with her best friend.

"If I throw her a stick will she leave?" Alex pulled her fully into her arms, their bodies perfectly moulded into each-others. "Better yet, how many times do I have to flush until she goes away?"

"Don't be so mean. She's my high-school friend, I've grown used to her loudness."

"I'll try and be nicer if you'll tell her to calm it the fuck down."

"C'mon Al, I can't. You know I can't."

"Good friends tell each other the truth." Alex answered with a sharp wit, that both infuriated and entertained Piper to her heart's content.

"God, I hate you." When Piper could think of nothing else to say, stubborn to admit defeat in their battle of wits, "

"No you don't."

Piper was consciously aware of the subtle change in tone in Alex's last remark, it had taken on a more delicate quality, the earlier easy-goingness had made way for a more deep and insightful utterance.

A palpable silence.

"No...No, I don't." Piper answered quietly. The moment felt thick, bearing a great significance that only they were privy to. An imperceptible importance that was difficult to quantify. Or even qualify into words.

Piper's arms encircled Alex, their bodies moving in sync with one another, moving to the rhythmic, balearic synths of _Duke Dumont's I Got You._

Piper melted into her, losing herself in the magic of the moment, losing the world around them. Alex's mouth was against her ear, her breath in her hair. She could hear her thoughts, though Alex had not spoken a single word. Her hips rolled against her, the bare skin of Alex's nape- permitted by her V-neck, pressed rhythmically against her breasts each time she inhaled.

Piper's heart fell into a synchronous beat with Alex's, until she was sure they were beating as one. She was mesmerised, intoxicated and floating. Piper opened her eyes, to find Alex's, staring right back into her soul. The depth of their green was like two emerald diamonds. She still hadn't grown used to their intensity. Hell, she didn't she ever would.

And without another thought, Alex's lips were on hers, moulding, melting, tasting, taking. Piper kissed her back with equal fervour, if not more.

Alex pulled something from Piper, something she didn't know she was prepared to give. But Piper gave what she asked, and took what she offered. There was no question. No dilemma. Just a serene acceptance.

"Let's get out of here."

* * *

The cold hit them. Hard. To their awe the entire street was carpeted in a white blanket of snow, the luscious, pure surface of drifted new snow. Yet untouched. It was a fairy-tale world, child-like and mesmerising. Boughs of trees were adorned with thick pillows of it, so fluffy someone must have plumped them up. It looked positively surreal.

"Come on, I'm driving!" Alex announces in an overly loud voice, the kind of loudness that only occurred when one reached a certain level of pleasant drunkenness.  
Piper although equally drunk, if not more seems to still possess a small sliver of logic and reason- a part of her brain that had escaped being doused in alcohol.

"Alex, you've got to be kidding me!" Piper strides forward, her heels causing her to dangerously away from side to side.

Alex walks backwards, escaping Piper's outreached hand. "What? You steer I'll do the pedals. It can't be that hard."

"You can't... You can't drive in this state."

Eventually reaching Alex and her Lexus, Piper takes a big step forward, not realising the raised pavement in front of her, she spectacularly loses her balance and practically shoots forward, and narrowly avoided smashing her face against the snow-covered tarmac. Just as well, Alex was stood directly in front of her fall path, leaning against the Lexus, and thus, was able to catch her in time - in true movie-style fashion.

"Woah!" Alex grabbed her arms, preventing her from collapsing onto the ground, "I know you love me, but even that hug seems excessive."

Ignoring her jibe, she straightens herself out, clinging onto Alex's leather jacket for support.

"Gimme the keys."

Piper starts patting down Alex's jacket pockets, trying to listen out for that tell-tale sound of jingling keys. Not finding them she next pats down Alex's pants pockets, her lack of coordination not helped by her general drunkenness - resulting in her hands dangerously swaying close to Alex's front, rested on her upper thigh.

"You really wanna do this here?" She jokingly asks. Piper, unaware of her inadvertent touching, looks up - confusion draping her face, she follows Alex's gaze down and subsequently turns into a beautiful shade of strawberry red.

"I mean it's a little public but it's entirely up to you."

Coming to her senses, she swore, "Fuck you."

"Like I said, we could but it _is _kinda public here, dontcha think?" Piper looked up, catching on the double entendre, a smile tugging at her lips.

Alex continued "But I'm totally up for the daredevil lifestyle, carpe diem and all that."

"Whatever. I'm too busy worrying for your fucking safety, give me the damn keys." Piper realised how inane and childish she sounded, but she squarely blamed it on the countless drinks she had consumed throughout the course of the evening.

"Pipes, if you really think I'm gonna drive in this state, you're sorely mistaken. I'm not stupid, you know."

"It's your poker-face I can never tell when you're being serious or not." Piper protests in her defence, "Made especially harder by my tequila-filled state."

Alex laughed out loud, "I have a poker-face? Or it's just you that's shitty at reading people's faces?" Alex lifted an index finger into the cold air, "Ok lemme test it out, ask me a question."

"Like what?"

"I dunno, anything." She answers, shrugging her shoulders.

Piper bites her top lip, her face adorably scrunched together, deep in thought, brows furrowed, in search of a question. Taking an ungodly long time.

"I'm freezing to death here."

"Okay, okay, got one, what did you think of me when we first met?"

"Ah the generic what-was-your-first-impression-of-me question." Alex observed, "Are we really that cliche?"

"Just answer the damn question."

"Hmmm, let me think..." Alex tapped her temple with her index finger, appearing to seriously deliberate her answer, taking an agonisingly long time to respond.

"Other than being an overly WASPy girl with severe commitment issues and possessing an unhealthy love-hate relationship with tequila, I thought you were alright."

"Seriously? "Piper's mouth hung open.

"You asked the question, don't blame me if you don't like the answer." Alex said with a mischievous glint in her eyes, raising her hands in a placating gesture.

"I don't love _love_ tequila, it depends on what mood I'm in." Piper retorted.

Alex can't help but burst out laughing, the cold air reacting with her warm breath, causing frosty condensation to willow between them. "You've just confirmed what I've just said."

Piper sighed, mostly for effect, "Second question."

"Ooh more questions, I like this. I think I should have put a disclaimer at the beginning, stating "May get serious." Alex aired a square with her hands, " You know if I knew there was more than one."

"Okay, okay, so that time in that disciplinary meeting with Fitzgerald and Knight, why did you lie, and say, I was basically the best mentee you've ever had? You could have been sacked yourself, you know."

Piper could hear herself rambling but she didn't care, the question had been on her mind ever since that apocalyptic day. She knew they had left the realms of game-playing and she genuinely - desperately wanted to know the answer.

Grabbing Piper by the waist and pushing her against herself, Alex grew more serious, "Remember that girl in the emergency room and how you practically saved her life?

"Uh huh." Not entirely sure where Alex was going with this, but nonetheless nodding.

"Or during rounds how you were the only goddamn person able to answer that fucking heart question I asked?"

"Yeah."

"Or that very first time during surgery, where I made you hold that clamp? No one but _you_ held it for as long as you did."

"Oh."

"Or your fucking _amazing_ score in your residency exam?"

"Hmmm."

She looked into Piper's expectant eyes, brushing a lone, not yet melted, snowflake out of her hair, and after a brief pause, "None of it was a lie."

Her soft voice and the twinkle in her deep green eyes melted Pipers heart and she felt her heartstrings being unrelentingly tugged. Alex reached over and squeezed her hand.

"Don't let anyone else tell you otherwise - least of all your parents."

Startled Piper glanced up, disconcerted at how Alex knew about that horrible conversation with her mother, her heart skipped a beat, "How do you know?"

"I hazarded a guess." She answered, unusually laconic.

Feeling like she should explain herself, "I wasn't ready to tell you, my parents...- my parents and I, have... have what I call a toxic relationship." She laughed mirthlessly.

"You're a great doctor, Pipes. Hell, I've seen it myself first-hand." She flashes her a smile. "_I'm _telling you, so it must be totally and utterly true."

Piper laughed. Laughed out a thousand insecurities that had built up over the years. Laughed out the bitterness directed towards her parents. Laughed out the uncertainties. Releasing with it, the pent-up negative energy that had been eating her up from the insides.

She tilted her head and glanced up into Alex's eyes, they were burning her with an unfettered curiosity, patiently awaiting Piper's response. They exchanged long-lasting looks, while feather light snow flakes, silver and dark, fell obliquely from the night sky, slowly traveling into the small space between them, silently landing at their feet before melting into the moistness of the ground.

"I love you."

It just came out, a three word utterance that had been patiently resting on her lips for an exceedingly long time - finally released from its stronghold, it felt good. Piper wasn't sure whether she felt euphoric or relieved due to the alcohol coursing through her body, but the mixture of emotions propelled her to a state of total calmness.

Alex smiled this amazing smile, that seemed to literally light up her entire face, and it was hard for Piper not to gasp. Alex tightened her grip on her, and every inch of Piper that was in contact with her, despite the subzero temperatures, burned in the most wonderful of ways.

"What are you thinking?" Piper asked, breaking the silence, taking advantage of Alex's momentary and very rare loss for words.

"I'm thinking...I'm thinking of how much I love you too."

And Piper knew - knew that it was said with the most sober of minds.

Not letting Piper respond, Alex kissed her deeply, just as sensual and marvelous as the previous. Barely coming for breath, Alex tugged at her hand, "Let's go."

* * *

_AN: Oh the feels. It's too much for me to bear. I love these two. Thank you all lovelies for joining me on this rollercoaster of a ride. Your reviews mean a lot to me, folks, so please let me know what you think. :) _


	15. Let's Just Do Our Own Thing

15\. Let's Just Do Our Own Thing.

* * *

The snow crunched underneath their feet as they briskly walked along the pavement. After having left the house-party on an impromptu basis, they had been trying to hail a cab for the past half hour but to no avail. More accurately, Piper had been trying to flag down a taxi, Alex was just leaning against a raised wall on the side of the street doing nothing in particular. It seemed to Piper; New York had a shortage of taxi drivers tonight.

Piper spotted a dark-blue car affixed with the universal 'taxi' sign on its roof, slowly approaching them – she waved her arms for what must have been the tenth consecutive time, trying to catch the attention of the driver, waving even more furiously when she noted the 'vacant' sign flashing brightly on its side. She now had both arms raised in the night air - desperately gesticulating for the car to come to a halt. She paused, when it momentarily slowed down to the point where they could now keep up with it. Relieved, she walked after it, before the car cruelly sped off again.

"Asshole!" Piper yelled after it – just catching sight of the driver – his mouth gaping with silent raucous laughter. Her angry curse drowned out by the roaring of the engine as it accelerated away. The car sharply turned the corner at the next block, rapidly disappearing from sight.

The entire time, Alex had been looking on in mild amusement and spoke when she saw Piper had somewhat calmed down, "Man, you looked like you were having an epileptic fit with all that waving or worse a psychotic meltdown. I wouldn't stop either if I saw you." Alex grinned, throwing a conciliatory arm over Piper's shoulders and hugging her closer to her side.

"He did that on purpose. The prick so did that on purpose!" She protested, still incensed. "More to the point, why is it just me doing all the legwork?"

"I'd figured you'd be better at it." Alex answered, only half-listening to Piper's gripes. "Did you know you get this really cute angry-face? It's positively adorable."

"You can laugh all you want." She replied, mildly annoyed at Alex's lack of seriousness, despite in the same sweeping moment, sliding her arms around her waist. "I'm drunk and my feet _fucking_ hurt."

Alex looked down at Piper's feet – her line of sight briefly lingering on the blonde's legs – courtesy of the wickedly short sequined dress she wore, before shaking her head and chuckling.

"Not surprising, considering you're missing a shoe."

Piper followed Alex's gaze and stared at her conspicuously bare left foot for an unnaturally, drawn out period of time. After a few fleeting seconds, she was able to eventually express her thoughts. "I swear I was wearing both heels, literally a minute ago!"

"Well, you're only wearing one now." Alex not-so helpfully added. "I'd carry you if I could but I value my back too much." A smirk slowly tugged at the corners of her lips.

"If I get frostbite, I will personally hold you responsible."

Alex's expression turned solemn, "To be honest, with those strappy heels, you'd still get frostbite. They're doing nothing at keeping that snow at bay so you might as well take the other one off, 'cause it won't make much difference."

"Very technical, for someone who supposedly graduated from medical school."

"Nope, pretty sure, its just common sense and logic." Alex smiled because she knew that it would irritate the shit out of her.

The remark earned her a shove from Piper - slipping on the icy snow - she was sent nearly flying into a couple strolling a few yards ahead of them. Luckily, the couple hadn't noticed or if they had – they had chosen to ignore them.

Piper leaped to Alex's side, her expression sheepish, "Oh god, are you alright?"

"Wow!" Alex exclaimed, when she managed to regain her balance, straightening her glasses out on the bridge of her nose. "You're one of _those _drunk people."

Not wanting to give Alex the satisfaction Piper didn't respond and instead merely sighed for effect, but like always, her curiosity got the better of her, "What type?" She asked.

"The feisty kind." Alex replied. "And there I was hoping you'd be the touchy-feely kind." She sounded wistful before adding, "_But_ I can definitely work with feisty." Piper felt a shiver of apprehension skim down her spine. Apprehension of the good sort.

They carried on walking. Piper, albeit with a distinctly unsymmetrical gait. Alex, taking pity on her, locked her arm underneath Piper's for support, helping her manage to walk with some semblance of dignity.

Piper pushed herself closer into Alex's embrace, treasuring the warmth emanating from her. Her stupid fingers had gone numb from the earlier failed attempt at taxi-hailing, and were now throbbing in that horrible way fingers throb when they were exposed to sub-zero temperatures. She shoved them into Alex's pockets - her poor fingers instantly seeking reprieve. Her own jacket had one of those useless stitched-closed pockets that served no real purpose.

Her fingers, although nearly numb, brushed against a rectangular object resting at the bottom of Alex's pocket. She felt around - it must be a cigarette packet, she thought to herself. But Piper quickly dismissed that train of thought. As far as she knew Alex did not smoke not to mention the fact, cigarette packets didn't normally come wrapped in a soft, velvety material.

She removed her hands, now that they had adequately warmed up, but not before accidentally removing the box with them, and dropping it where it softly landed onto the thick snow.

"Sorry." Piper picked it up, and handed it to Alex who oddly remained silent throughout the whole encounter, uncharacteristically avoiding eye contact with her.

"What is it, anyway?" Piper laughed.

Alex's gaze was still lowered, as if the cracks in the snow-covered pavement needed further study. "Nothing. It's nothing."

Before shoving it back in her pocket. Piper could not help but notice that this time it was placed in the opposite pocket, that was furthest away from her.

* * *

They walked on, both silent. Piper snuck sideways glances at Alex, who was sporting a half-smile, snowflakes decorating the black beanie pulled over her head, one hand in the pocket of her jacket and the other clasped around Piper's. And they walked, just like that, walked along side each other with arms crossed low on one another's waists. Neither of them saying anything. Nothing _needed_ to be said. It wasn't an uncomfortable, awkward silence. It was the sort of stillness that occurred when two people were at complete ease with each other.

Inexplicably, Piper felt the hairs on the back of her neck stand on end, and felt an inviting warmth spread through her body, akin to being immersed into a warm, inviting bath - complete with all the frills. She didn't know what it was – couldn't give it an identity. But whatever it was she welcomed it, wholeheartedly.

However, she half-suspected it was a combination of Alex's close proximity, the sereneness from the snow, and the recollection of Alex's reciprocal _I love you_ that made her body react in the way it did_. _But what she did know for certain was that she was content. Content with just living in the moment. Not wanting it to end.

A thought came to Piper like a knife in her chest, as a sense of foreboding invaded the deepest recesses of her mind, its dark tentacles slithering through her consciousness.

_…All good things must come to an end_

_…No good deed goes unpunished_

It was _that _she dreaded the most, _that _feeling similar to when you stepped out of a movie theatre and realised how boring and ordinary everyday life is compared to the incredible fictional universe you were immersing yourself in minutes earlier. It is a shock to the system. Two contrasting realities. And she dreaded it. Dreaded it with all the might her fragile heart possessed. Piper knew that every relationship had its darkness and light, and was aware that she had just painted theirs in the blackest of hues.

She shook her head, glowering in silence, annoyed at her apparent cynicism. The awful sentiment was only alleviated when she felt Alex giving her hand a squeeze.

* * *

They had finally managed to find a taxi.

Well Alex did after her first attempt but Piper did not want to remind her of that fact and firmly held on to the belief it was probably just a coincidence. Relieved they clambered into the backseat, taking advantage of the subdued lighting, Alex slid her hand seductively up and down Piper's thigh, pushing her dress up inch by inch with each successive stroke. She felt herself heating up, no doubt lit up like a _fucking_ Christmas tree, a tree that only displayed red lights that is.

They tried their hardest not to catch the attention of the burly driver, sporting a goatee that would not have looked out of place, had it been the early seventies. The only thing missing was a mullet and the look would be complete.

They'd been in the cab for twenty minutes when Piper nudged Alex who was now half-straddling her, their legs crossed over each other. Both of them completely neglecting the seat-belts. Piper tried not to think of the various injuries directly related to the lack of seat-belts she had seen being wheeled in through the doors of the emergency department.

"Alex..." No response. "Alex!" Piper hissed through her teeth, painful wary of the driver trying to steal glances at them, his eyes making contact with hers through the rear-view mirror, one too many times. It was off-putting - not too mention, slightly creepy.

"What?" Alex finally asked, her hands clutching a generous amount of boob, poised to carry on, once Piper answered her.

"The driver...Alex." She pointedly glanced at Alex and then at the man who was now totally focused on the road ahead.

_Sneaky bastard._

"What about him?" Alex lazily asked again, all the while showering Piper's jaw line with airy kisses. It was so damn hard to concentrate. _Fuck. _She tried again, trying to whisper, "The driver..." Her sentence remained unfinished, instead a strangled cry escaped from her lips when a pair of fingers mercilessly pressed against her flimsy panties. Her previous qualms abandoned almost instantaneously.

And so the ride carried on, half spent immersed in purse ecstasy, courtesy of Alex's wandering hands whilst the other half was spent warily glancing at the driver on many an occasion and met each time with a hungry ogle. So no wonder Piper felt well and truly spent when the car finally pulled up besides Alex's apartment. After hastily placing a wad of dollar bills in the driver's hand, they climbed out, albeit unsteadily.

"You ladies need a hand?" Goatee-man shouted, rolling his windows down and leaning his elbow out.

"No!" Piper exclaimed a little too overzealously, and not so subtly pushed her dress back down to a respectable just above the knee height.

"I do need a hand stud, but it's not yours that I want." Alex replied with a salacious grin."

"Huh?" the driver intoned in a confused manner.

"Never mind. Thanks for the ride." Alex said, whilst shaking her head, despairing at the apparent slowness of Mr. Goatee. She turned around and gave a conspiratorial wink at Piper, whose face was in the process of turning into a very emblazoned red. Worryingly, she felt her fingers involuntarily jerking, she hurriedly stuffed them in her pocket before anyone noticed, her face no doubt taking on a mortified expression. She definitely had not come across _that _during her medical studies.

And with that, Alex grabbed Piper by the hand, impatiently walking up the porch, leaving a very perplexed driver behind.

Piper hadn't been been particularly paying attention to her surroundings but even in the darkness she could not help but gasp in awe at the white stone-walled apartment complex looming in front of them. Its faux Edwardian exterior seamlessly blending in with the more modern finishes. Piper marvelled at the floor to ceiling glass windows puncturing the white walls at various intervals, the manicured lawn leading up to a ceramic-tiled patio, complete with tall hedges surrounding the property.

She glanced around the tree adorned neighbourhood; the upscale street exclusively consisted of expensive, ultra-modern properties, no doubt a product of the gentrification movement that had occurred during the early 2000s. The driveways were lined with equally sleek BMWs, Audis, and the like.

It was a far cry from Piper and Polly's modest dwellings, studio flats favoured by cash-strapped college graduates forever paying off their student loans.

Finally finding her voice, "I didn't know you lived in a _fucking_ palace."

Alex shrugged her shoulders, "You never asked."

"What did you say you worked as, again?" Piper jokingly asked, amused at Alex's apparent whatever attitude. " Did you win the lottery or something?"

"Nope, just saved a load of lives and got paid for it." Alex answered absently, she was patting her pockets down, searching for something, " Its called being a doctor, last I checked."

Piper lifted one eyebrow. "Condescending asshole much?"

"I aim to please." A brief pause before she added with a sly grin ... in more ways than one."

Suddenly propelled by a giddy energy - mostly fuelled by Alex's endless sexual innuendos - the roles had been reversed and it was now Piper dragging Alex by the hand.

"Steady on there, cowboy!"

For a reason unbeknownst to Piper, she felt the need to correct Alex. It was probably her proclivity at correcting things to an almost OCD-like level.

"Cowgirl." She said, "Its cowgirl."

Alex gave her a look that one would give a petulant child behaving badly in class, "You're weird." She simply answered.

"Not as weird as you."

"How immature."

They had reached the front door, "Immature, spells I'm mature, geddit?"

"Original."

"How's this for originality?"

Piper craned her neck and deeply kissed her, her tongue forcing Alex's mouth open, lightly prying her lips apart and exploring. The contrasting qualities of Alex's hot lips on her and the cold air gently eddying around them, made the whole experience that much more sensual. She felt her body being pulled into overdrive, her already frayed nerve-endings duly protesting at this unexpected, yet delicious sensation.

The fact that Alex's _very _tactile hands were currently resting somewhere along the vicinity of her upper thigh was greatly adding to that cause. Not to mention, her already short dress hiked up to socially unacceptable heights by said person. It was dangerously risqué. Delightfully sinful.

"Very, very original." Alex said during a rare moment Piper' lips weren't on hers.

There wasn't any point at trying to feign a sense of decorum, Piper couldn't even manage an ounce of it. That had disappeared out of sight, together with any self-control she possessed.

Things – promises - always seemed to immediately fall apart when it came to all things Alex. Damn it. Damn her and her magic hands. She was impossible to resist. Addictive. If her mother witnessed her now pushed against a door that wasn't her own, drunk, missing vital items of clothing, in the middle of the winter with a particularly tall, dark-haired woman whose face was currently buried deep in her tresses, she would be far from happy.

But at least Alex was a doctor. That would count for something, right? it was listed amongst her mothers list of approved professions so maybe her immense disapproval at Piper having picked someone of her own sex would be cancelled out by the fact Alex was part of a respectable profession. Actually, she wouldn't like to test out that theory, any time soon.

Piper sent a silent prayer to the dim lighting permitted by the street lights surrounding them, the feeble illumination shielded them from the potential stares of nosey neighbours. In between getting slammed into doors and inadvertently letting out moans when Alex's mouth did something particularly erotic - she suddenly burst out laughing. Laughing at her apparent nonsensical attempt at praying to inanimate objects. Piper squarely blamed it on the unfortunate predilection she had had with tequila, as well as the various other alcoholic beverages she had necked down tonight. _Lady-like, it wasn't._

Alex's breathy laugh somehow managed to penetrate through Piper's throes of passion, "What are you laughing at?"

"Nothing." She answered whilst absently wiping a smudge of her red lipstick covering Alex's cheek with the sleeve of her coat. The brush-off only made Alex grow more insistent. Piper briefly debated over whether she should expand, but immediately thought against it - there were some things that just sounded plain absurd when spoken out aloud.

Alex shook her head, a maddening gesture Piper had grown used to, it was that wordless 'you're weird' gesture.

"Anyway, can we actually go inside?" Piper whined, throwing her a sad-face look, "I'm _fucking_ freezing." She clutched her jacket closer to her body, as if to emphasize just how physically cold she was.

"Oh, shit. Yeah." Alex fumbled in the pockets of her leather jacket, in search for her house-keys when she suddenly stopped, "...Fuck."

"What?"

"I left the fucking keys in my car back at yours."

"You're kidding me right?"

"I wish I was."

"What are we going to do?"

They looked at each other, neither of them, sober enough to think around this unfortunate predicament.

if anything it was Piper that hoped Alex would come up with an alternative. As if proving their resoundingly lack of logic, Alex said,

"We could break in."

"Seriously? That's your grand plan?"

Alex didn't answer straight away, she pulled her beanie off and ran a hand through her hair, then shrugged, "Technically it wouldn't be breaking in, since it's my own house." She muttered with stone cold seriousness, already surveying the tightly locked windows for a potential opening and fumbling with the panes.

Piper watched on with mild disbelief, she studied Alex's face, not sure if she was being serious or not."And how do you propose to follow this grand plan through?"

"What do you mean?" Alex asked, walking around to the next window, feeling around, but noticing that also was sealed tight.

Your fists aren't exactly strong enough to smash these windows As much as you'd like to think they do."

"Your words of encouragement have been noted."

Piper frowned, trying to come up with an alternative option, "We can always go back to mine."

Alex scrunched her face in disgust, rubbing her hands together in an attempt to conjure up some warmth, "You're joking right? I am not going back to that place full of squealing thirty-something year olds, talking about their shitty sex-deprived lives." Alex smirked at her, "I have enough crap to deal with whilst I'm in hospital."

"Alex, they're my friends!" Piper cried out, pushing Alex off her in an attempt to appear indignant and offended.

"What even the one who was trying to flirt with me all night?"

Piper was about to retort with something that would curb Alex's ever-widening grin but placed her protests temporarily on hold as an irrational feeling of something resembling jealousy clouded her mind. The cold numbness already forgotten. "Who?" She asked a little too forcefully.

Alex raised her eyebrow, aware of Piper's sudden piqued interest, her eyes lighting as she tilted her head.

"The one with the blonde hair, blue dress." Alex eventually elaborated - meeting Piper's blank stare she continued, "You know the one whose eyes were following me around the room like a heat-seeking missile locked on its target and 'accidentally'…" Alex signed inverted commas "...brushed against me, a fair too many times. I do notice these things. Emma? I think her name was."

"Emily?" Piper tentatively corrected her, thinking back to her and Polly's conversation in the bathroom earlier.

"Yup. That's her."

Piper knew she appeared far too probing and over-interested in an otherwise ordinary and light-hearted conversation but she couldn't help herself, "She's got a husband."

"That didn't stop her." Alex responded brazenly.

"And, and she's got children." Piper paused before adding for good measure. "Three of them."

Pretending this new development was not turning her insides into a congealing mess, Piper tried to act blasé by smiling in a non-committal way.

"She hadn't mentioned...that." Alex looked thoughtful as if fondly recalling the encounter before she cast her gaze at Piper. She then acknowledged it with a signature lopsided smile. In that exact moment, Piper wanted to punch that annoying smirk off Alex's face but in the same sweeping action kiss it until her lips throbbed. She unconsciously bit her lips, her eyes lingering on Alex's mouth.

It was an unfortunate dichotomy she had to learn to live with it.

"I think she was drunk off her rocker but she told me all kinds of stuff about her husband, Tom or whatever and how she didn't love him. It was all too fucking heavy for me." Alex looked away, growing serious, "Fuck, alcohol brings out people's deepest, darkest secrets just like that." She clicked her fingers. "Anyway, she tried to kiss me...-"

"What?" Piper shot Alex a questioning glance, no longer caring about trying to play down her growing irritation. She angrily brushed off the snow collecting in her hair, the snow-flakes no longer a beautiful sight of nature. Their cold wetness adding to Piper's increasing ire. She was pissed off, that's what. She was faintly aware of how totally irrational she was being but she pushed on regardless, "Alex, this is not funny."

"You're the one who wanted to know, well I'm telling you. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, she tried to kiss me and don't get me wrong she was kinda hot. She had that all-American, girl-next-door type vibe going, and you know how I'm a total sucker for that."

Piper didn't trust her mouth to come out with anything level-headed, much less civil. Her heart hammered against her ribs at the idea of Emily shamelessly throwing herself at Alex. And laughing in that well-practised come-hither-and-I-shall-woo-you laugh that Piper had seen in action all too frequently during their many girly dates. She shuddered.

"...So she asked me whether I'd wanted to go for a drink with her sometime."

Piper couldn't believe what she was hearing. Polly's wise words came back to haunt her, ricocheting against her skull. Wearing an uncertain expression, she bit her lip, a impassable lump constricting her throat. "What did you say?" Her voice came out as a tightly strangled yelp.

Taking a step forward, Alex pushed Piper's chin up with two fingers, caught her gaze and held it. Beneath delicate brows, her eyes darkened to an almost opaque, deeper green, the night sky reflected within them.

"I said I was already taken and that my heart is with someone else, you dumbass."

Alex smiled. A smile where its warmth rivalled that of a summer sun appearing after months of darkness and rain.

And suddenly the cold winter air did not seem that cold anymore.

* * *

Alex had made the very sensible decision _not_ to break into her own house, although not without a fair amount of discouragement from Piper who at one point had to prise a makeshift crowbar from Alex's hands. After a few less than sensible suggestions , they finally settled on the more sound decision of renting out a room at a nearby motel and get their affairs in order come the next morning.

Piper dropped a quick text to Polly, thanking her for holding down the fort and to not expect her home, before her friend thought of sending out a search party. After counting out enough dollars to cover their cab fare, they were left with a pitiful amount of money. Alex had left her credit cards back in her car, and Piper just hadn't thought of the fact she should carry money in case of emergencies - this sorta being one of them.

"Well, the five star hotel will have to wait and instead we'll have to make do with whatever thirty dollars will get us." Alex said, whilst tugging her jacket closer, the cold suddenly over-bearing.

"We can always go back to mine..." Piper trailed off.

"Yes, that would be a great idea, 'cept for the fact there's a party in full swing. Nice one, Pipes."

Without too much of a fanfare they catch their ride and instruct a pleasant - more importantly - none-creepy driver (unlike Goatee-man) to stop at the first cheap motel. His subsequent raised eyebrow when Alex declares this particular fact, is not lost on them. At least Alex kept her hands to herself this time, which should be pointed out was no mean feat on her part.

After quarter of an hour, they reached their destination, the car easing to a stop as they less than gracefully step out. They're stood in the middle of a deserted weedy strip of land, distinguishable only as a car park by the beat-up pick-up truck parked at the far side of it - apart from that the place looked completely dead.

Piper half-expected a piece of tumbleweed to roll across their line of vision. She gazed at the building in front of them; the three-floor cinder block building looked like a set for a cheap horror movie straight from the eighties. The flickering _Just Like Home _sign looked anything but inviting. The letter 'e' from 'Like' was noticeably missing as well the letters 'h' and 'o' from 'Home' so that it now proudly read '_Just Lik Me'_

_An unfortunate coincidence? Or a sign of things to come?_

It looked like the kind of place where people met up who didn't want to be seen out together in public. A place where trysts, secret rendezvous or whatever other euphemism Piper could think of - took place. She told herself they only reason they were here, was out of complete necessity. Nothing more, nothing less.

Piper spoke, "Alex are you sure about this?" Her tone of voice alluding to everything but _certainty. _

"Not really. But its what thirty bucks got us." Alex cast a sideways glance at her, "Come on, don't get cold feet on me now."

"If that's a dig at my near frozen feet - actually scratch that, ice-block feet..."

Alex was thrown for a moment, before catching on to the quip, she snorted with barely held back laughter, "Oh, Pipes. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it like that." She peered down at the blonde's, mono-heel wearing feet. "Oh fuck, I've seen warmer looking ice-lollies than that. Let's get you inside, before they permanently freeze over." Leaning on Alex's shoulder, she let herself get led across the car park, closing her eyes for the briefest of moments her head nuzzling just beneath Alex's jawline.

As they stepped into the motel lobby, two things became immediately obvious. First, the ancient, greying man with shifty eyes - the likes, Piper thought only existed in Stephen King novels and old VHS's. Secondly, the unbelievably antique decor complete with the obligatory beige-coloured walls. The place appeared to be in a time-warp. After paying a grand total of $29, and to the complete and utter displeasure of the clerk when Alex specified a _double room (_it seemed the dated ideals were not restricted to the taste in vomit-coloured furnishings) - they finally picked up their keys and stumbled into their room, situated on the second floor.

They opened the door, just as a lady stepped out, adorning what was clearly a cleaner's uniform, Alex who had been in front, collided with the woman, her cleaning materials crashing onto the carpeted floor.

"Jesus!" Alex exclaimed.

"Fuck's sake!" the woman hissed. She was old, her greying hair pulled up into a red bandanna. She was short too, and pissed as hell, "Watch where you're fucking going."

"Sorry." Piper apologised, even though it was totally _not_ their fault.

"Just fuck off," the woman barked, pushing past them and going into the adjoining room, slamming the door so hard, the pictures hanging on the wall rattled.

"What got into her?" Piper asked.

"I'd be pissy too, if I had to clean this dump, anyway, fuck her." Alex kicked her shoes off and slid her beanie off, before throwing herself onto the bed. After testing out the mattress by prodding it a few too times with her finger, she propped herself onto her elbow and suggestively beckoned Piper to her with her index finger, "Let me warm up those delicate feet of yours."

Piper couldn't help but roll her eyes, but obliged anyway, throwing her jacket off, climbing onto the bed, and resting her head onto the pillow which faintly smelled of stale cigarettes.

What a load of bullshit. It was _not _a double bed, more like a one-and-a-half bed, Piper thought to herself as she shifted her weight, so that she was facing Alex who had been lazily gazing at her. The tiny confines of the bed, effectively forcing them to lie with their foreheads touching. Not that either of them were complaining. They lay like that for what seemed like an age, absorbing each other's features in and imprinting it in one another's memories.

"Hey, Alex?"

"Hmmm?"

"This place is a piece of shit."

Alex chuckled, sidling herself closer to Piper, gently stroking her hair, and tucking a stubborn blonde strand of hair behind her ear, her fingers lingering on Piper's cheek.

"It's pretty _fucking _shit." Alex agreed.

"The bed's pretty shit as well." Piper countered.

"Do you think we'll get a complimentary spa treatment, come morning?"

"And a continental breakfast?"

"And a three course dinner?"

"And a live performance from the Beatles themselves?"

"And a circus performance by none other than Cirque Du Soleil themselves?"

"And a free bottle of the finest Pinot Grigio?"

At that, Alex's lips curled into a smile, "Before all those frills, does the place even have running water?"

"A TV, you can't stay in a rented room without a television." Piper added.

"The things I'd like to do tonight...do not require the use of a TV." Alex said in an insanely husky voice, seemingly awakening dormant feelings of yearning and want. Piper's near-frozen feet, suddenly warmed up when a wave of hot desire coursed throughout her body.

"Oh really?" Piper answered, deciding to play along. "What _kind _of activities?"

"Wouldn't you like to know."

Their lips brushed against one another, Piper closed her eyes, her body relaxing into Alex's. She cupped her face, running her fingers through the dark hair, savouring the softness. She clutched the lapels of Alex's jacket with both her fists and pulled her against herself, but Piper couldn't get close enough. No matter how hard she tried. Alex soon rectified this by wrapping her legs around Piper's and rolling over her, so that she now lay on top of her. Piper braced herself as the intensity in the exceedingly small bed soared to new heights.

Alex reached down and hiked Piper's dress up, exposing the barely-there panties she wore. She gasped as the cold air caressed an already sensitive part, moaning even further when Alex pushed her leg into the space between her legs. Piper dug her fingers into Alex's back in a futile attempt at stopping herself from crying out.

Her pulling, accidentally dislodged the rectangular box from Alex's jacket pocket where it had been sat all night. They both watched it tumble into the small space between them.

"Oh fuck." Alex reluctantly sat up in the bed, leaving Piper looking on confused. "I was going to give it to you at a time that wasn't _now_."

"Give me what?" Piper eyed the box, properly appreciating it in the light for the first time.

_Cigarette packet, it wasn't._

"Just a little thing I picked up through my travels."

Alex picks up the black, velvet-covered case and opens it revealing a brilliant emerald stone carved into the shape of a moon and a star, nesting on white satin cushioning. Although dark green in colour, and the room not exactly bright - in its surface Piper saw a rainbow of colours, light fractured to its purest elements.

"It was gifted to me by a spirit healer whilst I was travelling across South Africa a couple of years ago. She told to me one day to give it to someone who means something to me, but isn't a relative. "Alex paused, "Apparently it symbolises love and its ability to overcome the greatest of difficulties."

Alex nervously shifted on the bed, the moment suddenly tangible with an inexplicable energy. Alex felt an odd sensation in her stomach, like she'd swallowed a dozen bees. She didn't exactly know when and why she had decided that Piper was the _right _person to give this to. She'd _never_ be the one who would volunteer affection to anyone. Just ask anyone who had crossed paths with her and wasn't her mother.

Piper would almost certainly not understand why an otherwise sentimental gesture would invoke such strong thought from Alex. There was no getting past this difference between them. Alex re-adjusted her glasses, trying to use the casual action to hide her trepidation.

Wordlessly, without breaking eye contact, Piper tentatively took it from her hand and marvelled at the perfected angles, the sculpted star intertwined with that of the moon. So beautiful in fact, that she scarcely dared to take it for fear she would somehow tarnish its magic.

"Alex, it's absolutely beautiful." She swallowed her throat suddenly prickling, she bit the inside of her cheek, "I don't know what to say, I mean...I mean it's ...beautiful."

Unsurprisingly she had ran out of words to adequately describe just how touched she was. Words did not do justice to how she herself was feeling

Alex interrupted her, "Just a sec, she told me that for each symbol a phrase was specifically associated with it." She hurriedly fumbled in her pockets and produced a crumpled piece of paper, scrawled with what was, Alex's unmistakable handwriting.

"_Hye won hye_. Which means: _that which does not burn_." She read out loud and looked up, she chuckled. "I knew I was going to forget what it was, so wrote it down."

"That which does not burn." Piper slowly repeated, picking at an invisible spot on her dress.

"Apparently priests traditionally used to walk across hot coals without burning their feet as a means of proving their courage." Alex shrugged self-effacingly. "Although for all I know it could mean, go _fuck_ yourself, but I chose to take her word for it, she seemed nice enough."

Piper just stared at Alex, suddenly seeing her in a completely different light. The sarcastic, dry-witted Alex was temporarily put aside to make way for a thoughtful and sensitive person. A long-loaded silence, before Alex cut through the impenetrable silence, "Put it on."

That hadn't lasted long Piper inwardly grinned. "Oh I thought you were gonna put it on for me?" Piper asked innocently.

"I've already reached my daily limit of soppiness, and at this rate, I will have to injure or worse - kill a small rodent or something in order to regain my cool, hard exterior. And trust me, you don't want me to do that."

Piper looked at Alex over her shoulder, and shook her head. "Wow, I didn't know I was participating in a therapy session."

Alex let out a wry laugh, "What can say, I have a lot of unresolved childhood issues."

"Oh." Piper didn't know whether to broach the subject or let the comment slide, instinctively she surmised Alex would tell her when she felt like it and that now was _not _the time to partake in heavy, psycho-analysis.

"Put it on, before I regret all this." She said waving her hand in a dismissive wave.

Piper struggled clasping the necklace from the back, taking an absolute eternity,

"Oh come here." Alex grabbed hold of the two ends of the necklace and circled it around Piper's neck. "The fact that this looks like a painfully similar re-enactment of the obligatory boy gives girl necklace/bracelet scene, included in every garden-variety romantic movie - is totally not lost on me." Alex muttered, half-jokingly.

"I bet you secretly love it." Piper winked, "You have to carry on with the cliché, I think at this point, boy -or girl- in this case, hugs girl affectionately."

"How about if boy-girl skips the hugging scene, and goes straight for the kissing? Would that be okay as well?"

"I can speak for girl, and say she would definitely not object to that particular proposition."

* * *

_AN: First and foremost, apologies for the delay!__ I hope you've enjoyed my longest chapter to date. And like always, please let me know of your thoughts. :) x_


	16. Carpe Diem

_Carpe Diem_

* * *

"Oh _fuck!_"

Piper unceremoniously tumbled off the bed and painfully crashed onto the carpeted motel floor- duvet and pillow joining her moments later.

"_Fuck!_" Unable to think of any appropriate English terms that would adequately describe the immense pain currently emitting from her ass – Piper made do with good old-fashioned cursing. "Jesus _fuck! Fuuuuuck!"_

There was something immensely satisfying about cursing - some deep-rooted primal instinct - and now was no exception.

Alex climbed off the bed and knelt beside her, her arm circling over Piper's back. "Are you okay?"

"Do I look okay?" Piper whined petulantly all the while rubbing the tender spot.

"That was _not _my fault."

Piper's gaze flickered upwards, "Alex, have you heard of the phrase: there's a time and a place for everything? Well now is not the time to argue the finer points – my _fucking_ ass feels like it's going to fall off."

"I'm just saying you're the one who insisted on an impromptu pillow fight. Don't blame me." Alex raised her hands in front of her, "All you had to do was wave the white flag and I'd have stopped."

Piper shook her head, "What white flag? There is _no _white flag. You are so just making up rules as you go along."

Alex raised an eyebrow, her face taking on a vexatious expression, "Nice speech."

Piper sighed, "You're an ass."

"And you're an ass with a painful ass." Noticing Piper's less than pleased look - Alex knelt down beside her, "Okay, okay, how about if I kiss it better, will that get rid of moody Piper?"

"…I'll have to think about that." She answered in a way that she hoped came off as airy and casual. Luckily, the pain was slowly subsiding; in reality it didn't hurt nowhere near as bad as what she was making it out to be. (But Alex did not need to know that) - who didn't need a bit of tender, loving care?

Alex, grasping onto that fact, took a different approach, "You want me to rub it better?" She whispered her voice dripping with suggestion - inching herself closer to Piper, so that she was kneeling behind her. "And make it all…better?"

Who couldn't resist? Damn it – giving in, Piper let out a small yes.

"That's my girl."

Alex brushed the hair away from Piper's neck and placed delicate kisses all over her sensitive skin. Her touches soft and feather-light.

Piper crooned, savouring the warmth that was caressing her neck in hot, eddying swirls. (Sensations of pain were being replaced with entirely different sensations.)

She sought out Alex's mouth and pressed her lips against hers. The playfulness had disappeared as the kiss intensified. Alex's hands gripped Piper's back and she drew her closer. The urgency increasing by the millionfold. Piper pressed her lips harder against the dark-haired woman, her breathing growing more ragged and uneven as she impatiently pulled her tank-top off.

The next hour. Or two? Or three? Was spent right there on that carpeted floor. And incidentally that was the first ever night Piper sustained the elusive 'carpet burn'

* * *

_Thud. Thud. Thud._

Piper jolted upright, trying to figure out what had exactly awakened her. It was still pitch-dark, she blearily glanced at the small digital display beside their bed; 03:09 AM. She peered beside her, Alex was dead to the world, her lithe figure sprawled across the small confines of the bed.

_Thud. Thud._

This time their headboard shook slightly. Startled, Piper blinked, all remnants of sleep gone. She strained her ears trying to locate the origin of the noise, but none was heard again. After a drawn-out silence she settled back into bed, content that the sound had gone. Her head fell back onto her pillow, and she began drifting back into a fitful sleep. However, no sooner had her eyes fluttered closed, the thudding began – this time coupled with the unmistakable sound of moaning. And it seemed to come from the other side of the wall, no doubt from the adjoining room. Piper cocked her head sideways, listening more intently; "Yes! Yes! Oh god!"

She sat up and rubbed her eyes, and turned to look at the wall, amusedly beginning to understand what had woken her up.

An already loosened light fixture bolted on their ceiling came off and crashed loudly onto the floor. Piper was amazed, that purely through the gamely throes of passion, entire furniture pieces were raining down on them.

Alex groaned beside her, rolling over toward Piper, "What in the living fuck is going on? Are we in the process of being robbed?"

"No, I'm afraid it's even worse than that."

Alex shook her head, obviously not understanding what was going on. Piper wordlessly jutted her chin in the general direction of the wall behind them, the vocals increasing in loudness by the passing second; "Oh Jason! That's soooooo good. Hmmmm."

Alex's eyes widened, her jaw dropping open, Piper did not miss the unabashed grin spreading across her face, visible even in the darkness.

"You have got to be fucking kidding me."

"Yes, that _is _some very audible sex we are hearing." Piper added.

They both pressed their ears against the wall, the noises taking on a more clearer quality, after a few fleeting seconds, they both simultaneously heard the unmistakable sound of meowing.

"Oh my god." Piper involuntarily exclaimed. The woman next door was meowing. Fucking meowing. She shook her head in disbelief at what she was witnessing.

"Meow. Oh god…Me-yooooooow!"

"Is _fucking_ Jason, making out with a grown cat?" Alex asked, her face completely and utterly serious.

Piper could not help but laugh, "It seems Jason is packing a wide girth to be causing such sounds to be coming out from any female human."

Alex made a face of disgust and shuddered, "Oh god. I cannot unsee what you have just described."

A chorus of barks joined the feline howls. (Even the stray dogs wandering outside were objecting to this surreal turn in events.)

"Jason! Meeee-yow"

Good god, there were out of control animals on both sides of this wall tonight. Alex sat up straight, and placed an outstretched hand against the wall, "We have to tame this woman, before she forever ruins our sleep."

Piper looked on, curious to see what Alex was planning. The woman next door meowed even louder as she undoubtedly reached toward her climax. And just at that moment, where the woman was most certainly teetering on the edge, Alex banged against the wall, and added a loud 'Oy' for good measure. The noises instantly disappeared and they were both thrown into a sudden, peaceful silence. Piper strained her ears, not believing that the noises had most definitely gone.

Satisfied at her perfect timing, Alex sat back down, "Now that was quite the cat-block." She winked at Piper looking mightily full of herself "…If you catch my drift."

"Meow." Piper deftly answered.

* * *

Piper had never particularly liked waking up in strange places.

In her college days, she'd been loath to spend an entire night at her friends' student dormitories, and not because she hated her friends or was a social recluse. She liked being able to get up in the middle of the night and know where the bathroom was. She liked knowing where the light switches were, and which squeaky step to avoid when descending the stairs. She also liked knowing which kitchen unit housed the tequila bottles - ( not that she needed to know the location of alcoholic beverages during the night.)

She shifted her head across the pillow, facing the grimy window that barely permitted the early morning sun to shine its rays through the dank room. She sighed wistfully.

What she most definitely did _not _like was waking up in a $29 a night motel, that advertised itself as having a double bed - when it _really_ was a one-and-a-half bed, a four-walled room where they were surrounded by yellowing wallpaper that she was pretty sure was not yellow when it was first plastered on. A room distinctly lacking fresh air, but instead held the almost permanent smell of old cigarette butts interlaced with the au naturel odour of mouldy mildew. It was safe to say she was not going to be first in the queue in the event the motel owners were to advertise reduced discounts. Come to think of it, she wouldn't be in the queue at all.

She lazily turned her head.

All previous qualms, complaints, whines and protests vanished in an instant and suddenly became inconsequential - pointless even. Why? For she was met by the person that made all of that aforementioned crap bearable. Alex was still soundly asleep, her face slack-jawed, an imperceptible grin painting her pale features. Her dark hair, meekly fell across her forehead so that it shrouded one side of her face, one arm was strewn over Piper's waist, their legs a tangled mess. Piper knew she was gazing stupidly at Alex but she didn't care, she could lie here all day, for an eternity even, and never, ever get tired of the sight. She looked around the grotty room. She could compromise. Hell, she wouldn't blink an eye, even if they'd stayed in a room stripped of all essentials - as long as she was met by the same sight each and every morning.

She couldn't resist.

She slowly craned her neck, careful not to shift her weight around too much, and placed a chaste kiss on Alex's lips. Piper realised, the simple action had almost become second nature, as automatic as breathing in air. As easy as taking one step in front of the other. As easy as...this. She plopped her head back down onto her pillow, content with Alex's uninterruped breathing pattern, signifying she was still deeply asleep.

"Your lips are tickly."

The silence was broken by a husky voice. Piper swivelled her head and propped herself onto her elbow. "You're supposed to be asleep."

"I'm not anymore." Alex grinned, releasing a deep yawn, and subsequently burying her face into the thin pillow, before looking back at Piper. "I need coffee."

She jumped out of the bed, Piper could not help but stare after Alex's ass, she was wearing nothing but a black tank-top coupled with barely there panties. Piper could feel her very audible swallowing. There had been a lot of things, or body parts rather that had been annoyingly thrown into shadows last night. But now, the bright daylight permitted her a perfect, unbroken view of Alex's athletic body. Toned muscles, flexing with each successive step.

Piper was catapulted back to the anatomy classes dhe took during medical school, and how she categorically hated the particular sessions focusing on surface anatomy. Where they had to point out individual muscles on each other and draw the outlines of each said muscle. It had been a harrowing experience, particularly for the untoned classmates amongst them. Now, she _totally _wouldn't mind carrying out a few spontaneous one-on-one, surface anatomy classes, preferably with the use of chocolate as a means of marking out different muscles.

She could feel familiar feelings of arousal brew inside her as the particular image took shape, she shook her head and looked away - no doubt blushing - instead busying herself with fiddling with the loose ends of her hair.

Alex returned to the bed, thankfully oblivious to Piper's outlandish fantasies, her face a sight of dejected misery.

"Why the sour face?"

"I realised, we are in a shitty $29 motel, where things like coffee are apparently an excluded luxury."

"Oh." Piper lowered her voice, " There are _other _ways to fully wake up…"

She didn't realise she said it until it all came out of her mouth. She didn't know where her sudden courage and sass came from, but when Piper noticed a dark look suddenly streak across Alex's face, the way her tongue involuntarily licked her lips, or the way her mouth curled into a seductive, yearning manner – it seemed like maybe it wasn't the end of the world that such words had been uttered out loud. Yes. She could live with that.

Seemingly agreeing with this sentiment, Alex muttered, "_Fuck_ coffee. It's over-rated anyway."

* * *

One early December evening, they were stood in Piper's bathroom getting ready to go out for dinner at a Greek restaurant that she had recommended.

Alex stood up and reached for the tube of red lipstick, "I like this colour," and she swept the tube over Piper's lips. They were stood no more than half a feet apart; looking into Alex's eyes – she could see a tiny reflection of herself.

"There." Alex said, turning Piper to look in to the mirror. "What do you think?"

Piper was staring, but not at herself. Over her shoulder was Alex – and for the first time, really regarded her. Yes she was good-looking – however, it wasn't so much her refined features, but the shine of it; not the colour of her eyes, but the dream, caught like smoke in them. As much as she'd enjoyed their many conversations about anything and everything, serious and not so serious – it still didn't mean as much as what she had when Piper could stand in front of Alex, not saying a word, yet feel her with all her heart, feel like she's known her for centuries. She couldn't for the life of her imagine, how she'd lived her life up until now without this person. Oh god, she was getting soppy, she smiled inwardly, and looked into the mirror, this time focusing on the lip colour and liked what she saw.

"Yes, its lovely, Al."

She realised that it was trivial, insignificant moments such as Alex putting lipstick on her - that Piper felt the most significant of feelings. It was an unfamiliar emotion and it was downright disconcerting.

* * *

Christmas and its celebratory fanfare arrived _far_ too quickly. Through nothing but obligation, Piper reluctantly headed home. For most people it would be called _Home,_ with a capital H but for Piper it was just home. Family Christmas – like all Christmases gone by, was a sad state of affairs that had been more of a muted gathering than a genuine celebration.

So it came not as a surprise; Piper Chapman did not particularly like to indulge in Christmas-y _things _or come to think of it, Christmas in general. Its sickly-sweet idiosyncrasies reminded her far too much of her barren childhood. After a full week of keeping up appearances, laughing and mingling with relatives under false pretences and wallowing in overt upper-class WASPy-ness, the day she bid her family farewell had finally arrived (and it couldn't have come sooner enough.)

Piper had been practically itching to get back into her car, suitcase in tow, and escape what her mother liked to call their suburban utopia. The irony of the statement was not lost on her.

Seeing her mother approach the car, she rolled the window down and waited for whatever parting words Carol had for her.

"Darling, why the rush! At least stay and welcome the New Year with us."

Piper visibly squirmed in her seat, "Mother, I-I really have to head back…"

Her mother cocked her head, and studied her daughter with keen interest, "You've been ever so distant this past week. Are you sure this whole living away thing is working for you?"

Piper managed to produce a strained smile, "Oh no, everything's fine."

"It must be all that _horrible _pollution, swirling around that in that _area_ you're living in." Her mother upturned her nose. "I read it in last week's MyLifestyle issue. Why you had to move to a different hospital is beyond me – your father and I, have been besides ourselves."

Something in the way her mother intoned her remark, drew a familiar feeling of anticipatory dread from Piper. She thought back to that wretched phone conversation she had with her mother. When she naively informed her of passing the residency exam, her mother's ensuing replies -– how disgustingly _weak_ Piper had felt. How _fucking_ shitty she was made to feel. It was no use reasoning with her parents regarding anything about her life anymore. They had simply drifted too far apart. It was irrevocable. She still loved them. But, there had always been that extra_ thing _missing. She had spent most of her life, trying to figure out what that _thing _was, but had only recently conceded, she would never know - for she had never experienced it.

Her mother was still patiently awaiting her answer. Piper wanted to scream; _What would you know about the pollution surrounding my and Polly's apartment – if you have never, ever bothered to visit?_

Instead, Piper did what Piper always did – and that was to bury the problem and laugh it off, so she laughed; no longer caring if her mother detected the false sincerity within it.

"Have a safe ride."

Piper gratefully wound her window back up and started the engine. She couldn't get the car to move fast enough. And it was when she had climbed the freeway, did she permit herself to breathe steadily and finally then did the involuntary shaking in her leg stop.

Yes. Christmas was a sad state of affairs.

* * *

One Monday morning after rounds Alex approached her in the library. Piper had been sat with Nicky and a few other residents in the allocated study area – engaging in updating one another on the latest gossip that had been gracing the hospital that week.

"…Did you know that Susan Reid from ortho, dumped what's-his-face?"

"…Really? I thought they were the real deal."

"…And, have you heard, morgue-guy downstairs has been caught with…-"

And on it went, until Nicky nudged her, in the side, "Chapman, Vause approaching…3 o'clock."

Why Nicky had felt the need to inform only Piper about said person's approach was something that she would have to clarify later. For the time being - she turned to her right and was greeted by Alex's advancing form - she was sporting a barely concealed smile that seemed to reflect most of the light in the immediate vicinity.

Piper was already rising from her seat, muttering something about "having to go over supervisor reports" and "rotation discussions". She purposely avoided Nicky's no doubt, knowing stares. (Ignorance is bliss, as they say.)

"Dr Chapman." Alex says in an overly formal, each syllable enunciated, kind of way.

"Dr Vause." Piper replies with equal primness and follows her out of the room.

When they reach Alex's office all trace of formality, professionalism and - whatever other so called etiquette they're supposed to possess – was deftly dumped by the door.

"I have afternoon rounds in ten minutes." Piper declared in between fevered kisses.

"I can work with ten minutes." Alex answered matter-of-factly.

And so _things_ happened in record time. Piper's world had been turned upside down, left and right, and back up again. Alex had not lied about being able to work with just ten minutes. Holy _fucking_ god. _  
_

When she had gingerly stumbled off the top of her desk - ( she had spent more time on that desk than anywhere else in the entire hospital for the last few weeks) - she was an out-of-breath mess, her centre still throbbing and her heart still racing at breakneck speed.

Alex smiled at her, lazily swivelling around in her desk-chair - a maddeningly sly grin currently occupying her face. The lure was overwhelming, but Piper could not afford to be late...she had _fucking _rounds.

She hastily put her white coat on, conscious of the various red, blotchy marks that were visible on her neck. She prayed most of them were covered up by the coat.

"You'll need this." Alex called out, just as she was about to leave the office. Piper glanced back, her stethoscope dangling from Alex's fingers, she hurriedly retraced her steps - took the piece, chastely kissed Alex and ran out of the door.

You could do a _lot_ with ten minutes.

* * *

"You have any plans for the New Year?" Alex asked.

"Nope. Was gonna spend it on the couch with a tub of ice cream. Why you?"

"How are you with mathematics?"

"Ummm, okay? As long as you don't ask me to multiply any numbers bigger than ten."

"Perfect. I just wanted to see whether you could count down from ten."

"Oy! You asshole. I was top of of the class for maths, don't underestimate my prowess in numbers."

"I never doubted it."

"Anyway, why are you asking me these weird questions other than this being a spontaneous test which I'm pretty sure I'm not doing very well in."

"You're doing very well. Don't you worry."

"That most definitely makes me worry."

"Last question: Will you be my date for New Year's Eve?"

"...As long as it doesn't involve maths."

"Just a countdown but we've already ascertained you're quite up for that task."

"Right."

"Is that a yes?"

"It's a yes."

"_Fucking_ A."

* * *

The 31st of December arrived, Piper could barely contain her enthusiasm when she stepped into the waiting Lexus outside her apartment.

"Hey babe." Alex greeted her, her tone of voice equally enthusiastic.

Piper climbed into the passenger's seat - noticing Alex's winter get-up. "You look nice."

Alex looked down, as if noticing her clothes for the first time, "Jeans and leather jacket – you're easily impressed."

"Jeans, cocktail dress, trash-bag, you always look good." Piper teased. "You impress me _all _the time." She said in a sing-song voice.

Alex leaned her head against the seat, staring into her eyes. She was clearly amused by the conversation. "Really? And here I thought I needed to work harder." She smiled, leaning towards the blonde.

Piper instinctively leaned in for a kiss, but Alex's arms reached for the seatbelt beside her and snugly fastened it across Piper's waist and clicked it in place.

"No uh. Safety first."

Alex gunned the engine, the car jolting forward and expertly manoeuvred through the holiday traffic. Piper lifted her head towards the window and glanced at the cloudless sky, closing her eyes as she let the evening sun warm her face.

Half hour into their journey; Piper mindlessly flicked through the radio channels, not content with what 21st century music had to offer. She cringed at the vacuous girls screeching from the speakers: when had stupidity become a marketable talent? She gave up when she reached the alternative/rock channels. Their ears were met by the eclectic sounds of what was obviously an indie rock band - the electric guitar strings and heavy drums pushing the silence out.

Piper shuddered about to scroll to something a little less damaging to her ear-drums when Alex's voice interrupted her.

"Change it."

"Sorry?" Piper glanced at Alex, her face appeared stone-faced.

"I said change it." Alex repeated, this time more forceful. Her voice had taken on an odd, acrid quality.

Slightly startled, Piper hastily fumbled with the radio controls and switched to another channel - seconds later, the bass beats of a hip-hop song reverberated within the confines of the Lexus.

Piper waited for an explanation, scrutinising her, but Alex's eyes were fixed on the road ahead, the knuckles white as they tightly gripped the steering wheel. She could not help but notice the tense clinch of her jaw and the way her shoulders were squared as if gearing for an inevitable battle.

"Alex…" Piper began uncertainly - a shadow of concern passing over her face.

She was cut off, "I don't want to talk about it, okay?"

Piper bit her lip and tried to figure out the right thing to do. The song had obviously struck a chord with Alex and she quite clearly did not want to elaborate or dwell on the subject and Piper should respect that.

For nothing better to say, she murmured solemnly, "It was a crappy song anyway."

Alex's lips twisted into a mirthless smile, the tense muscles marginally relaxing. Piper instantly felt relieved, and she realised she had actually been holding her breath in – although she knew she sounded ridiculous, even to herself, she was desperate to show Alex, that she was on her side (whatever that side may be.)

Alex replied with a loaded answer. "It's a gutter of a song."

Piper allowed herself a tentative smile, she shrugged her shoulders and tried to shake off the suddenly darkened mood. She wanted to get back to the excitement they had when the day started.

They rode on in silence. Piper leaned her face against the side of the car and watched the lights sweep past as they drove towards their destination.

* * *

The New York night air was thick with festivities and anticipatory celebrations. It was evident from the countless carefree smiles surrounding them - the street corner vendors swapping their generic beckoning cries with promises of the best "New Year foods." (No one exactly knew what a New Year food was and how it was any different to garden variety foods.) It was evident from the tangy aroma of freshly made pretzels saturating the air - the dozens of billboards and LCD screens depicting messages of good will and hearty wishes for the new year.

The sights, smells and sounds were almost overwhelming – it was an overload of sensations and it was difficult to not get sucked into the cosy warmth. All in all Times Square was _alive_ tonight.

"Look." Alex pointed to a giant screen, perched on top of a Manhattan skyscraper, proudly counting down the minutes to the new year in bright red numbering: ten minutes and counting.

"We could do a _lot _with ten minutes." Alex added, winking at Piper, as she referred to their torrid office rendezvous from a couple of weeks earlier.

"Are you being serious?" Piper scoffed and pointedly glanced at the people streaming around them.

"I like to set myself challenges – no matter how difficult they are to accomplish."

Piper just rolled her eyes, but a tiny part of her brain, was already seeking out potential hot spots. _Oh my._

Overhead the sparse clouds cleared like opening curtains to reveal the young night. They stuff their faces with hotdogs and Krispy Kreme donuts. And ice-cream – even though the mercury was barely hovering above the zero degree mark.

Alex manages to unceremoniously drop most of hers onto the dark tarmac after someone accidentally walked into her. (They end up sharing Piper's.)

"Please don't do that." Alex pleaded staring at Piper's lips.

"How do you expect me to lick ice-cream, if you can't handle me licking my lips?" Piper teased, watching Alex scan her face, her eyes wishful.

They stuff their faces until they can eat no more. It was a caloric mix of foods, but _fuck_ dieting. Life was too short to live off rabbit foods for the rest of their lives.

Soon they find the perfect spot to view the no doubt enthralling display of pyrotechnics. The crystal time ball atop One Times Square was already hoisted halfway down, its position signifying the ever-nearing approach to when the clock would strike midnight. The corner of Piper's eye caught a figure stood to their right - looking out of place by the mere fact he wasn't engaging with the environment but instead was just _stood _there. She squinted her eyes. _No it couldn't be... _The man looked familiar from the side, in that way people sometimes do when you see them out of context: a policeman out of his uniform stood in a queue in front of you, a teacher sitting beside you on the train. Piper stared for another moment, but he was nowhere to be seen - already swallowed up by the festive crowd. She quickly dismissed the thought, the man already forgotten, Piper searched for Alex's hands and interlaced them with her fingers. She leaned against her and took in the electrifying ambience.

"It's nice isn't?"

"Yeah."

She wasn't sure if Alex was referring to the general atmosphere or their embrace.

Alex looks at her with the softness in her eyes that she reserved only for their sweetest moments. Piper took a deep breath and felt a broad grin spread across her face. She wasn't entirely sure if her smile was because she was standing in Times Square on New Year's Eve, or whether it was the fact Alex was gazing at her. Not at any one of the thousands of people milling around them – but _her. _She'd be hard-pressed to discern the two but hazarded a guess that it was mostly due to the former.

10…9…8…7

"Come on it's starting! " Alex slid her hands down Piper's and took a few steps backwards and pulled her away with her. The crowd counted down the seconds in almost perfect unison.

6…5…4

The time ball was inches from its final resting place – the countdown growing more feverish by each passing second.

3…2..1

The cheers from the crowd was deafening – rivalling that of the thunderous cracks from the fireworks torpedoing into the night air, exploding into a vast array of mesmerising colours: electric blue, forest green, blood red….the variations infinite.

"Happy New Year, babe." Alex whispered into her ear.

* * *

Piper could feel Alex's body go suddenly rigid. She wheeled around, thinking it must be because of the sudden gust of frosty wind materialising from nowhere. When she saw Alex's face, she knew it was something else. Piper slowly followed Alex's horror-filled gaze, her eyes landing on the scene unfolding behind her, and immediately _understood._

* * *

Alex watched in sheer shock and disbelief as a perfectly oval barrel of what was unmistakably a gun - was squarely pointing at them. A precise, straight angle, following an invisible trajectory line that came to a rest on Piper's back. Alex's gaze lifted up from the gun and travelled upwards, coming to a halting stop when it reached the gunman's face. Her heart skipped a beat as her brain registered the familiar features of the person stood before them.

_Frank. Frank the stalker._

How? Why? He'd been charged with harassment. So _how?_

Before Alex could entertain that running thought for any longer – her eyes zeroed in on the twitching index finger, resting dangerously close to the trigger. With an almost, unreal clarity she saw his features contort into an expression of pained regret. His lips mouthed, " If I can't have you…no one can."

Alex felt the blood rushing to her ears, as she foresaw the next few seconds. The ensuing dread was almost primal.

"Piper! No!"

Alex reacted through pure instinct. She jolted forwards, her leg movements slow and disjointed, feeling as though she was wading chest-deep through quicksand. The fluidity of her movement completely and utterly lost. Finally, reaching her target, she forcefully shoved Piper out of the line of fire, causing the blonde to crash onto the ground, an audible oomph escaping from her mouth as the wind was knocked from under her.

A mere heartbeat later, the sickening sound of a shot rang out. The deafening crack assaulting Alex's ears.

The whole scene from beginning to end had lasted no more than a few seconds.

.

.

.

A blast of white-hot pain shot through her body – her right shoulder violently jerked backwards from the force of the bullet. Her balance gone, Alex flailed, and desperately tried to regain her footing but her legs seemed to fold up from beneath her. She dropped to her knees and saw the bright neon glow of Times Square begin to waver like water. She collapsed onto the cold blanket of snow - falling heavily onto the injured side - causing her vision to momentarily darken, sending her brain reeling; such was the unimaginable intensity of the pain. She opened her mouth to cry out but the cold air forced itself into her lungs with such painful pressure that she thought her chest would split wide open. Her face was mercilessly pressed against the cold pavement, the gravel digging into her cheeks.

"Alex!"

Somewhere above her a familiar voice called out her name. A voice she would never tire of hearing. Alex tried to focus her blearing vision but saw only a world immersed in a beautiful sepia hue. From this odd vantage point, Alex took in the final images of New York city cacophony - now just silent moving objects - in a strange sideways tilt. She wanted to speak, to respond and reassure that achingly familiar voice, that everything was going to be okay. That everything was just fine. But her mouth refused to formulate a single word. The searing pain somewhere below her shoulder was now giving way to sudden deep waves of aching that rolled through her muscles like seismic tremors, and with each inhaled breath feeling as though she was being repeatedly stabbed with a red-hot poker.

Why?

Alex's body trembled wildly as her mind searched for answers. Her thoughts were muddled by a growing heaviness inside her. Nothing was making sense she felt like her body was slowly shutting down, lulled by an invisible pull yanking her to sleep. She fought it. A fiery anger ignited within her now, and she tried to fan the flames. But the flames stubbornly festered out, when she was made aware of a renewed sensation; its hot, sticky warmth seeping from underneath her - seeping through her jacket, and steadily trickling onto the icy surface.

* * *

Terror was a constellation of people, running away, and cowering for their safety. It was people trampling over each other, hurtled forward by an unseen force of unadulterated, collective panic.

Terror was crimson blood melting pink onto the brilliant white snow; it was the silent tormenting screams, audible from her mouth – a harrowing wail that pierced the night-filled sky.

"Help! Somebody help me!"

The impact of her fall was just beginning to register, as pain, first as a vague throbbing in her side, then the sting of nerve endings scuffed raw. Piper frantically looked around; noticing the crowd of onlookers encircling them, stood back at least ten feet, as if held back by an invisible force - gawking with a morbid curiosity that was not lost on her. She fumbled with her pockets, searching hysterically for her mobile phone, unable to feel its familiar shape. Where the fuck was it?

Alex opened her mouth and blood pooled out, her right leg splayed at an unnatural angle by her side. Piper pressed her hand to the open wound, desperate to halt the unstoppable stream of blood. The warm liquid poured between her fingers, soaked her hands.

There was just too much blood.

"No…" She whispered despairingly. "No."

"Pipes…" Alex murmured, her teeth chattering. Piper pressed her lips to hers, kissed Alex on the mouth, her face, her neck, "Oh my god, Alex…Oh god…"

All of a sudden the stark reality of the situation hit her, hit her hard. She felt her chest constricting, the air difficult to suck in. She was crying, her tears mixing with the rapidly spreading carpet of blood that surrounded them. Relentlessly, growing in size despite her best efforts.

_Need to stop the bleeding. Need to stop the bleeding._

A repeated mantra, going round and round in her head. _What the fuck had she been learning about all throughout medical school?_ She silently scolded herself. Piper felt utterly useless. She shovelled snow into her bare hands, not caring about how painful the action was, and threw the snow onto the offending site, attempting to somehow slow the flow of scarlet.

"Somebody help me…for the love of god…someone..." The strength had left her voice, no longer audible. Her begs were no longer polite discourse, but pleads for absolution. Her body was functioning purely out of shock. There was a rigid, automaticity to her movements, her wet fingers grappling with the worryingly deep hole that was pumping precious blood with each passing, (and waning) heartbeat.

And she felt herself crying. Cried tears of anger. Tears of hopelessness. She did not attempt to staunch the flow of salty water, letting the snot run out her nose and into her mouth. Her discordant pleads fell on deaf ears. The crowd abhorred her panicked madness and stood like watchful sentinels around her and Alex - a sea of featureless faces. Frightened, no one moving a muscle. They were utterly repelled.

The New York she loved, had been reduced to nothing but a depressing force of inhumanity. Of indifference. Of cowardice. Piper despondently looked down and she blinked once. She blinked twice. No matter how many times she blinked, all she could see – did not _want _to see – was a kaleidoscopic array of images, fractured in their form – the macabre realisation of someone who had been, not seconds ago, whispering in her ear and regaling a light-hearted anecdote. It was simply incomprehensible; to move from a state of utter unencumbered bliss and in the next fleeting second, catapulted into an unforgiving nightmare.

"Alex…"

"You…" Alex whispered, blindly reaching for her. Piper could see that despite the pain, a rueful grin tugged at Alex's lips. For a fleeting instant, Piper turned a hopeful gaze, allowing herself to hope against the obvious. But Piper could see through the bravado, the expression of futility, the resolute acceptance cracking through, coming to the forefront. The fright obvious in Alex's deep, green eyes. And it was then. That precise moment that Piper's world fell apart, as though she had reached the very pits of a dark, fiery hell with only her and angry, ferocious flames, present. It was the sudden, dawning realisation that the person she had regarded as the strong one, the indomitable one, the one who was perhaps the person who _shouldn't_ be lying here - was not so strong after all.

"No…You can't do this..." Piper violently shook Alex's shoulders. "Don't you _fucking_ do this to me. You're too good for this! You're _better_ than this." Piper paused, "It should have been me. It should have been…_ me._" Piper felt her own soul admitting defeat as she uttered the last sentence, teetering on the brink of presence and absence.

"You…"

"No!" Piper begged and pleaded and prayed. Prayed to the_ fucked_ up universe to grant her reprieve from this bizarre set of circumstances. Even if it was just a for a split second, that's all she asked.

"You…" Alex started, her words, this time taking on a slurred quality.

"You're stronger than this, Al. You're stronger than this…" Piper pressed down on the bleeding shoulder, the blood flow still unyielding. She did not let herself dwell on the futility of her actions. It was easier that way.

"Alex! Talk to me!" She desperately hoped her implores would somehow stop Alex's life ebbing away. Halt it with the mere use of the spoken word. So that she could carry on living in the moment. Live it with the one person whom she had so obligingly opened her heart to. All of a sudden, a racking need to let Alex know of this fact consumed her, "I love you. Iloveyou."

Why had that three-word utterance been so hard for her to vocalise, all throughout her relationship with Alex? Why had it been voiced so infrequently and never said more often?

"I. Love. You." Piper repeated feverishly. It was as if she had to release all the unspoken declarations of affection that had gradually built up in her mind, which at the time, she had been too lazy to articulate. But now…now, there_ just_ wasn't enough time. No _fucking_ time. And in that exact moment, she _hated_ herself. Resented herself - for not having afforded the time to state such a simple phrase during the many occasions she had spent with Alex.

"You…I…." Alex mumbled with increasing difficulty.

Piper kissed her again, tasting the metallic tang of blood in her mouth. This couldn't be happening. Her scientific doctor-mind calmly told her to stop resisting the inevitable endpoint and come to a rational acceptance whilst her idealistic part hoped against the slimmest of odds. Still wishing. Still hoping.

"You…" Alex gasped, choking, finally releasing the words she had been trying to say. "_You and me_."

Never had Piper heard such conviction in Alex's words. And the thought frightened her. But then an unexpected sensation besieged her. She smiled, even more - it was coupled with a small involuntary laugh. Maybe it was the incredulity of it all. Maybe it was from shock. All she knew was that it was a deep, terrible and beautiful laugh, segueing into a sorrowful weep as the enormity of the situation befell on her shoulders. She wiped the tears blinding her vision and uttered an equally heartfelt whisper, "_You and me_."

What she hadn't realised was that sometimes when your body was_ that_ overcome with pure and utter ecstasy, it could drown you. It could _cut _you. It could destroy you. That only when you feel such joy. Such bliss - could you really and _truly _understand the ache of being empty.

Piper realised that someone was nudging her. Trying to pull her away from Alex. She screamed, ordering whoever had the gall to separate them, to leave them in peace and piss off. She didn't want anyone to see Alex like this. She didn't want anyone to _touch_ her.

The ambulance came, it's blue, flashing lights a frightening contrast against the bright liquid red. The police came; doctors, nurses and paramedics came. Every _fucking_ person came. She rallied against them all – begging and pleading. Praying for them to leave. She held Alex in her arms, ignoring the slack, laxness of her body. She held onto her, for an insurmountable period of time, keening like a child. Her vision blurring into a collage of smells, shapes and sounds. Finally. Finally, someone came and made Piper let them take her away.

Terror was realising the futility of life, the high octave pitch of screams bellowing from the deepest recesses of her body. It was the violent juddering of sobs, threatening to consume her.

Terror was realising there was no such thing as _us... they... we..._ anymore, but instead had all become singular forms of themselves: _I... Me... **Alone...**_

Terror was not having enough time, and no plan for how to react when the world as you know it shattered into a million, tiny pieces.

.

.

.

* * *

AN: ...Forgive me.


	17. Light a fire Let it burn for you

17\. Light a fire. Let it burn for you.

* * *

"I rate her a four."

"What the hell is wrong with you. Look at her eyes! Look at those sultry bedroom eyes. For that alone I rate her an eleven."

"Alex!" Piper hissed, tugging at her arm. "She's looking! Could you say that anymore louder?"

"What?" Alex swivelled around, facing Piper - her eyes bearing the beginnings of a smile.

"I'm kinda hurt at you rating her an 11/10. What does that make me?" Piper tried her best at impressing a sad-face.

Alex searched her face, her expression transforming into one of humour. "Did I ever tell you - that I really, really, _really _like your eyes?"

"Nope."

"Really?" Alex answered, maintaining a poker-face.

"Well I don't remember." Piper affirmed by shaking her head. "But I heard you complimenting what's-her-face over there, not a minute ago." Piper pointed with her chin at the oblivious brunette stood by a bagel vendor.

Alex mock sighed, "I used three _reallys_ doesn't that count for something?"

Piper rolled her eyes and let out a long sigh."Okay, okay. But only because you used not two but _three _reallys." She snorted, "But seeing as you're asking me whether you've complimented my eyes - you can now jog my memory and remind me again."

Alex took this as her cue and pulled Piper into a tight embrace. "Well I really (times three) like your eyes...and your lips _and..._ I like many other body parts of you as well." Alex whispered - the last few words swallowed up by Piper's lips as their mouths pressed against one another.

Eventually breaking contact, Piper lowered her voice, "Oh right. Which _particular_ body parts?"

The snow began slowly falling. Tiny crystal snow flakes gently landing on them - settling onto their flushed cheeks and dissolving into tiny droplets.

"Now that...would be telling." Alex teased.

Piper was about to answer but realised her feet were sliding on the suddenly slippery ice; worse - there was no way of stopping herself from tumbling downwards. She looked down - and bleakly realised she had not slipped on ice but on a pool of glistening blood. _How?_ Without any chance to decipher what exactly was happening, she felt herself falling. Her skin strangely felt like a million needles were piercing it. She looked back up - intent on asking Alex where this large amount of blood had appeared from. She glanced back up but could not find her. She swivelled around and saw Alex bent over double - gasping in obvious pain. "Alex?"

Alex gazed at her - but where her eyes had been there were two black voids staring back at her. The blood. The blood had been coming from Alex - pouring from everywhere. Where was it coming from?

"Alex!"

Panicked, she pressed her hands on the obvious source of bleeding but no sooner had her hands covered one wound - another sprang open and poured out a steady stream of crimson. She had to stop the bleeding.

Suddenly she was jerked backwards by a heavy hand. She turned around - about to admonish the person who was stopping her from staunching the bleeding. It was Frank. He was laughing. Loud but silent laughter. Her stomach dropped.

His face slowly contorted into an ugly sneer. He lifted his hand and in the next second she was face to face with the barrel of a gun. But the gun had no hole where a bullet would normally eject from - instead it had a mirror which reflected Piper's face. Her face distorted so that it looked like she'd been cut in half. Suddenly the glass shattered and with an almost brilliant clarity she saw the most perfect, silver bullet exit. For a second, she stood perfectly still, her mouth caught soundlessly open, while her brain screamed _Run. Run. Run. _

Belatedly, Piper's survival instinct kicked in - she spun her body around and ran. But her movements were too languid- the faster she tried to propel herself forwards the slower her running became. It was as if gravity had been multiplied by a hundred and was forcing her to come to a standstill - pulling her down into the ground. Her back felt white-hot from the bull's eye painted on it. It was the scream that stopped her. A melancholic scream that shattered into a thousand piercing echoes. Piper spun around. "Piper! Please help me!"

And abruptly there was no ground beneath her at all. She was falling. Falling into the unknown, hurtling towards oblivion.

Piper sprang upright. She was jolted awake. Heart pounding, gasping for air - a cold sweat drenching her t-shirt. She felt dizzy and sick, her head pounding like a drum. Disorientated, her eyes flicked side to side - her head jerking around wildly. Only when she became aware of the familiar surroundings of her bedroom - did she permit her heart to slow down, release the breath she'd been holding and relax her taut muscles.

She glanced at the clock - it was barely past midnight. She had grown used to this. She'd been having the same recurrent nightmare, each night without fail. That same scream she had heard over and over was echoing in her mind. Piper switched her night lamp on and fumbled in the drawer for the sleeping tablets she'd been prescribed a couple of weeks earlier. She sat up in her bed - staring at the industrial looking wall. She stupidly thought why she'd never attempted to to hang up a painting or canvass to liven up the wall.

She quickly swallowed the tablets and washed it down with a gulp of water and climbed back into bed. Tonight was the last night. Every night, Piper told herself she would stop taking pills. But the pills helped her sleep away the racking pain that suffocated her each and every _fucking_ night. She felt wide awake - unable to shake off the inexplicable feeling of trepidation she felt.

After a few hours of tossing and turning in bed - Piper had given up trying to sleep. She looked at the clock and realised that it would be morning soon. Like all mornings gone by - the thought of facing Polly. People - sent her stomach roiling - physically repulsed her. There was only so much fake and pretend she could endure. The looks of pity. The not quite concealed whispers that stopped when she became within ear-shot of them. It was all very tiring. Her facade that she had so carefully constructed around herself was threatening to implode on itself. Work that she had enjoyed so much had become the focus of all her problems. She was sick of feeling. Just for a few fleeting minutes she just wanted to feel numb.

Alex was gentle. She was _tender._ She always listened to her incessant ramblings - however irrelevant. She _always_ let Piper win at poker. She hated early mornings. She _loved_ coffee. She was an excellent flirt. She held Piper's hand. She trusted Piper's judgment. She had built her life around hers. She'd always been there.

.._.used to be there._

When the shock of that night had wore off and the anger had made way for numbed acceptance - Piper would often spent many a night, remembering stupid, inane things. Their past would leak out in her dreams, snippets of their times together - playing in her mind like an old movie-reel. Like that time they'd gone to the beach and Alex had gotten her foot stuck in a sand-bucket and had spent the rest of the day waiting for the local fire-brigade to arrive and cut off the bucket. Piper remembers the barely contained laughter of the firemen as Alex sat trying to look as dignified as possible as a red children's sand bucket was stuck on her foot. Oh it had been a sight to behold.

Or that time Alex and her were arguing over whether Allison Mack from Smallville was good-looking or not. (she was) Or during their second date, when they had been thrown out of a restaurant because they'd been unable to keep their hands off each other. They'd gone to a cheap burger joint instead (they'd been more accepting of their antics).

The memories sent a new bolt of pain shooting through Piper - a temporary hold arresting in her place. The thinly covered scab had been ripped open yet again.

_I had a dreadful day. _People said it all the time without putting much thought into it. A missed train, a persistent headache, rush-hour traffic. Things described as dreadful, when nothing dreadful was really happening. But when the world as you know it had dissolved into pure havoc. When nothing made sense anymore. Where you thought, you were better off dead. Only then could you truly describe it as _dreadful. _

Would it have helped, if she could see what had been coming? Would she have known that those carefree times were the best moment of their lives?

Resolute. She opened the drawers and removed the packet of pills again. Staring at them with a newfound sense of understanding. For once she wanted to numb the pain. For once she wanted an uninterrupted sleep that was void of hurt and dread. She spilt the contents of the bottle onto the night-stand. So many pills. She just stared. Silence. The repetitive ticking of the clock a strangely soothing sound. She picked up a pill and rolled it between her fingers and popped it in her mouth. She took a swig of water, swallowed and contemplated.

Alex was stubborn. She was understanding. She was resilient. Alex knew how to fix toasters ( unlike Piper). She loved reading to Piper on long trips. She put up with Piper's arguable taste in music. Alex loved beanies. Loved going for long drives. Most of all loved _her. _

Piper took another pill and swallowed - ignoring the bitter taste.

_Hard shove. Cold snow. Pain._

Another pill.

_CRACK!_

Another pill

_Crimson. Scarlet. Blood._

Another pill.

Her consciousness was flooded with images that she had tried to repress. How did it get to this point? She could barely remember what the before and after had been. The sheer notion was threatening to dent her bravado. She looked at the near empty bottle beside her. Calmly waiting for the inviting feeling of sleep to engulf her and finally take her to a place absent from worry and sadness.

WHAT WAS SHE DOING?

Suddenly she jumped forward - nearly tripping over the edge of her bed What in the fuck had she been doing? She sprinted to the bathroom - her body dangerously swaying from side to side - feeling as though she was heavily drunk. Everything around felt fuzzy and dreamlike. Her heart was hammering in her chest. Her hands felt woolly and not like her own.

Finally, she reached the door to the bathroom and crashed against the toilet-seat - desperately clawing her fingers into the back of her throat. She dry-heaved. Panic seized her. Already her movements were slowing down and her world was beginning to blur. Again, she rammed her fingers down her throat and this time - the entire contents of her stomach streamed out. Hair matted to her face from the cold sweat thinly covering her skin - eyes running to the point where the tears were blinding her - she collapsed against the cold rim of the seat. It was only then that the reality of her actions set in and came well and truly crashing down around her.

She had come so close. So devastatingly close.

.

.

.

Several days later. A knock sounded at her door. Moments later it was opened and her best friend tentatively entered the room Piper had been in for the past four hours - staring at the four walls. She blinked her eyes, the sudden noises, flooding her ears.

"Piper?"

She was really not in the mood to listen to anything Polly said – no doubt it would be the same old_ shit_ she had been telling her time and time again. Everyone should quit tiptoeing around her; she didn't want anyone's naked pity.

"You good?"

Piper thought of her answer and eventually answered, "Not really."

"I know how you're feeling but…-"

That's just it. No they don't. No one knows how she's feeling. No one can feel the empty pit that sits rotting within her. No one feels the hot, silent tears that keep her company each and every night. No one. So how dare she?

All of a sudden, an inexplicable wave of anger consumes her. "You _don't _know how I'm feeling." She snapped embittered. "None of you do."

Her friend physically recoils at the outburst but to her credit presses on, albeit more cautiously. After a few moments of hesitation, Polly crosses the room and sits beside her, the bed shifting slightly and clears her throat. "Piper…I can only imagine what you're going through but this is not the way. You've not been eating, you're always in your room, you've neglected your work." Polly sighed, the exasperation evident in her tone of voice.

Every day, Piper told herself to get a grip - to stop trying to sleep away every painful second of each minute of each hour of every single day. Time had come to a stand-still, she was sure it had slowed so much - it had begun moving backwards.

Food. She couldn't eat. This wasn't a conscious decision she had made. Food tasted rotten. Disgusting in her mouth. Bitter bile would rise from the depths of her empty stomach every time she tried to eat. Piper had stopped leaving the house, stopped caring about people's opinions. She just wanted to stop _existing. _It should have been her that night. It should have been_ her_ who's life had been ebbing away - precious blood pumping out of her body. It should have been _her_ whose body that bullet had ripped through. Polly's voice cut through the thick brain fog.

"…I'm sure Alex wouldn't want you to live this life."

_Alex._

She stiffened. For a split-second she could almost taste the name, feel it like a scent in the air - a ghost of a memory. She imagined drawing Alex's name in like oxygen, funnelling through her veins and beating through her heart.

She could not believe Polly was using Alex against her. She couldn't bring herself to look up and meet her friends gaze for she was worried she might that witness that ubiquitous look of sympathy. That well practiced look of: poor-Piper-her-life-has-gone-to-shit. She didn't want to see it.

Piper turns around and for the first time faces Polly. Her gaze penetrating so that her friend had no choice but to meet her accusing stare. "You _fucking_ hated her. You hated her guts. And suddenly you care?"

"I was just-"

"Just drop the bullshit on what _Alex_ would have wanted. Don't pretend you care, Polly." Her words were dripping with venom - a bitter tilt to her mouth. She could feel herself shaking, the rage threatening to burst at its seams - her voice breaking at the last few words.

Polly blinked several times, her throat visibly working, eyes bright with unshed tears. "I do care, Piper."

"I know you talk about me." Piper began, ignoring the pleads - her voice devoid of any discernible emotion.

Her friend looked down, suddenly more interested in the thread pattern of the small carpet throw, beneath them.

"I know I'm the _fucking_ hot gossip around town. The little '_did you know what happened to Piper?' _soundbite in everyone's telephone conversations." Piper intoned with a mixture of betrayal and hate. "But of all people - I thought you were better than that." She whispered

"Piper-" Polly appeared as if she'd been slapped across the face, her features contorted into one of hurt and guilt.

"No." She harshly cut her off "Let me clarify a few things. Set the record straight." Piper laughed mirthlessly. "I'm not _losing _it. I'm _not_ having a nervous breakdown. I do _not _need anyone's pity. You do _not _need to walk around me like you're threading on eggshells. I'm not going to_ fucking_ disintegrate like a piece of china. So next time…the next time you're talking to your friends, make sure to mention those things."

Silence. They just stared each other. The tension lingering between them.

"That's just it. You are. You _are losing _it."

Piper jerked her head and struggled to focus - the irrefutable truth, hard to bear.

Eyes blazing she spat out her next words, "I'd rather having _fucking _died than face this _hell _everyday."

Polly's face was marred with sincere concern. "You don't mean that."

Piper let out an agonising laugh, "For once I've never felt so sure of something in my whole life."

Polly stood up and pointed her finger at Piper, her voice rising with each successive word. "You can't keep on living like this. I can't watch you do this to yourself!"

"Get the hell out! Get the hell out of my room. Out of my life!" She screamed in uncontrolled misery. She gulped in breaths of air as she willed herself to calm down.

Polly remained exactly where she was sat. "No." Her voice carrying a lilt of resoluteness.

"Polly. Just leave me alone." Piper muttered dejectedly suddenly fatigued - tired of arguing.

"No. You have to go out there and start living again."

_Life. _

What life?

Piper's life had stagnated. She didn't have many friends outside of work, she'd never been the centre of parties and social settings. Polly had been her best friend, her trusted confidante. Her life had revolved around work and Alex.

Her friend put her arm around her shoulder.

Piper couldn't cry. Pain. Wracking pain. But promise, _promise_ no tears. Piper wanted to talk. Wanted to find her voice, but her tongue felt all dry and swollen, her cheeks hurt and her throat burned. A tidal wave of guilt hit her hard. Her friend only wanted what was best for her. She squeezed her eyes shut and pressed the heels of her hands into her eye sockets as if that might help deflect the guilt washing over her. Where had all this anger come from? She knew. Hurt and pity had nearly killed her. Anger was the only hope she had left.

"What's bothering you?"

What was bothering her? Everything. She nearly tried to commit suicide. That's one thing.

But somehow Piper felt like she could _not _tell Polly.

Sometimes, even with best friends - who laugh with you, cry with you and know _every, single, _minuscule detail of your first date, first heart-break - you still can't tell them** _everything. _**

* * *

She had been driving a lot these past few weeks. Not as a mode of transport but she had come to enjoy the long, serene drives to nowhere in particular - just watching the trees and grassland whir by. It had become her coping mechanism when things became too much. The claustrophobic confines of her apartment had been drowning her. Here out in the open - the fields either side allowed her to temporarily breathe. It was nearly dusk. The orange-red rays of the evening sun cast long shadows over the trees and greenery. The road was mostly empty save for the occasional trucker roaring past.

An hour into the drive. Her phone rang. She fumbled in her pockets whilst at the same time trying to keep her eyes on the road. She couldn't find it - after a few seconds she realised she should probably stop before the car veered off course into oncoming traffic or worse over the verge of grass and down the face of the valley. She stopped the car and saw that her phone had slipped into the footwell - she bent down and moved her hands around - blindly willing her hands to clasp around it. All of a sudden, she stopped moving. Her eyes had zeroed in on the creased piece of paper resting on the far corner of the foot-mat. It looked familiar. Her ringing phone long forgotten she picked the piece of paper up.

She felt like someone had punched her in the throat and dragged a piece of her heart out. It was the piece of paper that Alex had given her with her mobile phone scrawled onto it. That evening felt like it had happened centuries ago.

She absentmindedly traced the faded numbers with her index finger. She smiled at Alex's spidery scrawls - they were barely legible. Typical doctor's handwriting.

She remembered how Alex had called her back and playfully shoved the scrap paper into her pocket and made Piper promise not to look at it until she got back into her apartment. She remembered her surprised happiness. The million-watt smile lighting up Alex's face. Her throat constricted and she grabbed the steering wheel to steady herself. She didn't know why but dialled the number. She had memorised the number but still took the time copying it from the paper. After a few dials she was confronted with the worst pain yet.

_"You've got through to Alex - I'm really sorry but I'm not available at the moment."_

A lancing pain ran up her entire body. The message was painfully short-lived. The brightness of the words felt like she'd been slapped across the face several times. It was such a contrast to the current nightmare she was in. Reeling, she collapsed back into the seat.

Her hand automatically reached for her pockets, she felt the familiar contours of the emerald pendant Alex had given her that night after they'd left the house party. The moon and star shaped stone. She had thought it as its own entity. It had become her _rock _\- both in the literal and abstract sense. It would in her coat, in her jeans, in her hand - but never around her neck. Time had passed and it went everywhere with her. Over time, the sharp angular edges had become that little less sharp, and its sheen had become that little less bright. Piper feared that as the stone began losing its brilliance so would the memories of Alex.

Piper wanted to go back to that beginning. That _beginning_ where they had been like two teenagers slowly falling for each other. She wanted to enjoy those long hours on the sofa with her head resting in Alex's lap, kissing her fervently, her fingers running through her soft hair. She longed for those stolen spontaneous moments in Alex's parked car and hospital offices and $29 a night motels.

She yearned for those days where Piper thought she would stop breathing if she didn't feel Alex's mouth pressed to hers. She wanted that surprise of seeing her at work, that skipped beat in her heart when she caught sight of her walking down the corridor. She wanted that butterfly feeling in her stomach when her phone rang and Piper heard that familiar, husky voice on the line. She wanted that rush of blood to her centre when she was on the subway or attending ward rounds and smelled her on her skin.

She _wanted_ Alex.

She suddenly let go of the piece of paper - as if she had been burned with a red-hot poker.

_It should have been me._

Piper felt like she was going to be sick. Felt like the world was closing in on her - a feeling of doom drowned her senses. The small confines of the car suddenly becoming noticeable and she struggled to breathe properly. That same thought kept replaying through her head.

_It should have been me. She pushed me out of the way. It was me this should have happened to._

Piper could feel the sting of tears burning her eyes and felt herself grow hot. Her hands were shaking - everything from recent events was catching up with her. She had been foolish - thinking she could have outran the inevitable reality of it all. A familiar sickening feeling was twisting her insides and mercilessly squeezing it. She knew she was having an attack of severe anxiety. She was a doctor after all. The heart rate spiking toward the precipice of nausea and the incessant ringing in her ears were the tell-tale signs.

Piper tried to catch her breath. She was gasping for air - the tears blurring her vision. She suddenly heard her mother's voice echoing in her inner ear, "She has become unravelled. Undone." Her mother had whispered to her Aunt Margot - in reference to Piper's mild panic attack she had suffered during a particularly stressful exam period, one year in college. The same words had been used when she had her naive teenage heart broken by Tommy Boston whom she had been dating for a few months during high-school. The familiar trickling of resentment toward her mother bubbled back up again.

What would her mother know? From Carol she had learned that comfort, parenting, love - all of these could be boiled down and explained,_ rather_ than experienced.

At the time she had felt embarrassed that her mother thought of her as weak. But now? Now, the sentiment fitted Piper so _perfectly_ that she had found herself submitting to it - imagining her limbs separating from her body. One by one. Ripped off.

_What did it matter? Why would she need arms, if she could not hug her anymore? Why would she need legs if she could not walk toward her? Why would she need lips if she could not kiss her anymore?_

Her head was throbbing with such intensity she felt like it was going to explode. Sweat was trickling down her blouse. Nausea roiled her insides. The panic was slowly claiming her as its own She could feel a pressure expanding in her chest - it the weight of pure panic. An immense wave of lightheadedness hit her in the back of the head - causing her vision to temporarily blacken and make her feel as though she was going to pass out.

Her breathing was beginning to become more laboured and ragged. Piper fumbled hysterically with the door handle. She had to get out. She had to get out. It was hot. So _hot._ Not enough oxygen. Not enough air. A _crushing _fear she could not shake off smothered her senses. Her knuckles pale white from grabbing the wheel so tight. She gasped - her nose running - the vein across her forehead pulsating in time with her racing heart. Her whole body was in a state of cataclysmic turmoil.

At last - despite her uncontrollable shaking Piper managed to slam the door open and half-dragged, half fell out of the car. Her legs felt like lead. With difficulty, she stumbled towards a nearby tree and leant against it. She was doubled over - hands against her knees. She tried to regulate her breathing but the racking sobs were just too overpowering. Somehow, it felt safer to fall apart here in the midst of shrubbery than back at her flat, where Polly might hear her cry.

But no matter how valiant she had tried to appear in the presence of people - the only person she could not fool - was _herself._

Get a _fucking_ grip! Get a _fucking_ grip. She was _fucking_ wallowing in self-pity. Only when the sun had completely set and the surroundings were shrouded in a blanket of darkness did she move her limbs. The cold had set in and she could feel it seeping into her bones. She stood upright and took a fortifying breath before despondently heading back to the car.

.

.

.

Time had passed. A concept she no longer cared for. It was something that measured shifts in normality. And as far as she was concerned, nothing in her life came close to normality. She had been living purely through autopilot.

She had a list. In her mind, she would recite the things she had loved about Alex – the way her lips would upturn into a sarcastic smirk. It had always been Piper's pet-hate but now she would gave up her soul to witness it one more time. The way Alex liked to sit behind her and read to her for hours on end. The way she tasted when Piper kissed her. The subtle way she pushed her glasses up in times of nerviness. Alex would always carry countless pieces of scrap paper in the pockets of her white coat and Piper would always tease her and remark she was like a magpie that forever collected things and never threw things away.

Alex was a good kisser. She was a sucker for leather jackets. She was a good doctor.

Alex loved Piper.

Alex _had _loved Piper.

The pain was now coursing through her veins – obliterating everything in its wake. Her heart felt like it was being forcefully squeezed through the eye of a needle. The rawness of the forever-permanent ache in her chest was overwhelming.

The list had become a repeated mantra – becoming her lifeline at remaining sane. The list became exhaustive, all consuming. However, it had become a double-edged sword - for the list also consisted of things she couldn't do anymore. Could not attempt anymore. Songs she could no longer listen to. Books she could no longer read. Places she could no longer go. Piper had no idea where the list was. Maybe Polly had thrown it out when she saw how obsessive she had become over it.

Or maybe she had never really made one. Maybe in that immediate period after the _nightmare _\- when she had been borderline catatonic - she had blocked everything out, instead taken over by the numbness she had now grown so used to.

* * *

The vibrations of her mobile phone distracted her from her reverie. Annoyed at being disrupted Piper contemplated not answering it. And who the hell was calling her late at night? After the tenth successive buzz she gave in and fished her phone out of her pocket and languidly pressed the answer button.

"Piper Chapman?" A male voice asked. Piper frowned when she didn't recognise the voice. Was it those horribly annoying cold-callers that bothered people at night?

"Yes." She replied tersely.

A pause.

"She's _awake_."

Time slowed.

The phone slipped out of her hand and soundlessly fell to the ground. White noise. All she could hear was _white noise. _And ringing. Ear-splitting ringing.

Gravity claimed her next. Her knees connected heavily with the linoleum floor of their kitchen– the ensuing pain – oddly absent. The last sentence echoed in her head. The words so sharp and conclusive.

The frozen sea inside of her had _finally _cracked – splintering into a thousand icicles before melting. It was only when she felt the warm, salty liquid running down her face - did she allow her brain to process what she had just heard.

After _all_ these months. After all those months of resignation and being told there was no hope. Piper could not bring herself to believe it. Could not reach for it. The mere thought of what she had just been told was dumbfounding. Alex was _not _going to die.

_"Piper Chapman?"_

_"Yes."_

_"She's awake."_

_._

_._

_._

* * *

_AN: There. God, angst is hard to write. So many deletes/edits blergh. W__ith regards to the previous chapter - s__orry for the temporary heart attacks I've induced in some of you but have faith in me...I mean, how could I kill off one half of our favourite couple? My keyboard wouldn't let me, even if I tried. Anyhoo, each and every response to updates means so much to me, I am continually amazed by the reviews / faves / follows and the fact people bother following this fic for this long. I genuinely can't thank you guys enough. _

_Now as a thank you token - here's a virtual slice of cake...(It's carrot cake)_


	18. The world is on fire No one can save me

18\. The world is on fire. No one can save me but you._  
_

* * *

.

.

.

"Hey Pipe!" Polly yelled from the hallway, moments later the sound of their front door slamming shut was heard followed by the crinkling of carrier bags. "I nearly got run over by some _fucking _asshole that thought he was on the set of _Fast and the Furious."_

Piper had been staring into space – somehow glued into place – the words from _that _phone call still reverberating inside her head. A constant loop of replay.

"Are you even listening to anything…-"

Polly had come into the room and abruptly stopped talking when she took in the state of her best friend. "Piper?" She dropped her bag, "Are you okay?"

When no answer came she pressed on, "Hey, hey, what's happened?" She rested her arms around Piper's shoulders, mistakenly thinking Piper was about to have another panic attack. She had been increasingly having many of those, Polly worriedly thought to herself. She had broached the subject numerous times - of her friend maybe seeing a therapist but each time she would even mention the notion, it was met by reassurances of how the blonde would deal with it herself and for Polly to relax and to stop stressing unnecessarily .

"She's awake." Piper mumbled softly. "She's…awake."

She looked at Polly, as if seeing her for the first time and repeated it again. " She's awake."

"Jesus! Piper! That's _fucking_ amazing. Oh my god!" Polly cried out, "Well what are you waiting for?"

Polly glanced at Piper - noting the distinct lack of reaction. Several silent minutes passed.

As if shaken out of a trance, Piper jumped up and began pacing the room all the while, erratically gesticulating at Polly before suddenly freezing into place.

"What if…"

The question was left incomplete, not wanting to voice her thoughts out loud for fear it might become a reality, Piper struggles to maintain her barely kept together composure. She was afraid that waking up might not necessary mean _waking up. _The man over the phone, had refused to elaborate about anything beyond the simple fact of Alex being 'awake'. Piper had seen enough victims of massive blood loss to know what it could do to your brain. Whole personalities had changed as a result of it and the thought that this could have happened to Alex scares her witless.

"What if... she's not _her?" _She finishes, for lack of a better description.

Polly, of course fully understands. "Piper. What's the alternative? That you're not going to go?"

Incensed, Piper shot back with a terse retaliation, "I _am _going."

She ignored the doubtfulness in her voice, hating herself for even allowing second thoughts to enter her mind. One part of her was itching for her to go. Yet another, more dark side - maybe the more rational side - was pushing her towards her bedroom, almost ordering her to accept that the Alex _she_ knew was the Alex that had been last seen split-seconds before that bullet had ravaged her body.

There's a long pause, before Piper starts fumbling for her car keys but after a few moments abruptly stops: "What if she doesn't recognise me?"

"She will. I'm sure she will."

"How can you be so certain?"

"Piper..."

"I need to get dressed...I'm not appropriately dressed." She faces Polly, expression intent, "Do you think I'll need an overnight bag?"

"Piper..."

Not waiting for an answer, Piper, frantically crosses the room and catches her reflection in the walled TV. "I look like a _fucking _mess. Damn it, I just can't deal..."

"Pipe, you've got to slow down." Her friend pleaded, her voice laced with concern.

"Keys. Where are my car keys? I've had them not a _fucking _second ago." She stopped pacing. "Where are they?"

"Come on, you're not driving in this state."

"Have you seen my goddamn keys!?"

Piper was afraid that if she wasted anymore precious seconds– things might take a turn for the worse whilst she was pathetically panicking. She shook the dreadful thought out of her mind, scolding herself for dwelling on pessimism.

"Piper, I'll drive you. Forget the keys."

Rambling, she began picking up her coat from the rack. "The traffic is awful at this time. Jesus, I can't even remember whether there's enough gas in the car!" Piper forced herself to breathe, "Actually, do you think I'll be quicker if I catch the subway?" She now turned her attention to finding her train pass. "If I catch it through Lower Manhattan it might be-"

"Piper!" Seconds later she felt Polly violently shaking her shoulders. "Jesus _fucking _Christ. Get a grip! You're scaring me!"

Her words eerily detached and hollow, "I need to go to the hospital..."

"I know. I know. I'll take you." Polly softened her voice. "Pipes, you can't be stressing like this. You gotta show Alex a strong face."

Piper stopped moving and stood still, which was an achievement since her body was shaking so much. Her hands trembling feeling as though she was going to imminently collapse.

"You need to calm down, okay?" Polly pleaded.

How could she calm down when the person she had invited to share her heart with might have changed for the worse. Irrevocably so.

Piper soundlessly nodded. Her jaw clenched, forcing herself to let Polly take the lead.

* * *

The drive had been painfully long. Each red traffic light. Each queue of cars was another rung up the ladder of panic. So by the time Polly's car had pulled to a stop in front of the imposing facade of Manhattan General Hospital, Piper was a nervous, quivering wreck. A thousand scenarios running through her head of what she might be possibly confronted with. Her breathing was conspicuously laboured - and she could swear it felt like a stake was being driven into her chest.

"You okay from here?" Polly asked - uncertainty tinging her question.

She barely heard her, "Yeah, yeah. You go. Thanks for the ride Pol."

"Piper?"

Piper grudgingly turned around.

"Whatever happens, remember, I'll be here for you." Polly stated solemnly.

Her throat burned with emotion and she nodded with difficulty. Piper looked up at the building that housed the dead and dying. She closed her eyes and welcomed the strangely soothing blackness. _  
_

_._

_._

_._

Double doors. Walk in.

People, too many people. People covered in blood. People screaming and shouting and crying. It was a morbid assemblage of the battered and the broken.

Keep walking. Just keep walking. Piper was afraid that if she stopped moving – she may never move again.

Press the button. _Floor five._ Her vision temporarily blurs and her insides feel like they are being forcibly sucked through a vortex of madness. She heatedly shakes her head and mentally kicks herself at her apparent disarray.

Floor one. Floor two...

Elevator doors slide open. She stumbles out and finds herself walking the corridor she had walked a thousand times before. Each successive walk more disheartening than the previous.

_Hot._ Why was it so hot in here? She loosened her collar and managed to find temporary respite.

She had never noticed how clean the corridor appeared. How often was it cleaned? Once? Twice? _Three_ times?

And the lights. So bright. _Too bright_

Shiny corridor. One step. Two steps. Bile rising higher in her throat with every step.

Nearly there.

A slow burn starts in her chest. _No! _She had to remain stoic. And sane. For all of their sakes.

At least for now.

Room 205.

_Step in._

.

.

.

Piper pushed open the heavy-set door.

Her brain registered multiple things all at once. The rhythmic beeping from the various monitors she had grown so used to had ceased. Funnily enough, the only sound that remained now was her heart thumping furiously in her chest. The curtains were drawn open allowing the bright rays of the moon to penetrate through and bathe the room in a silvery glow. She hesitated.

Her gaze slowly travelled upwards and was met by the most striking image of all – Alex sat up in her hospital bed. Piper's breathing hitched, her heart quadrupling its beat. Was it possible? The next minute was the longest minute Piper had ever experienced and several things happened all at once. Her hand flew to her mouth to stifle an involuntary gasp, her legs felt like they had transformed into tree-roots that tunnelled through her shoes and dug into the tiled floor. She couldn't go forward nor retreat.

She had mentally prepared herself for this moment but her mind still wouldn't comprehend the sight before her. Piper was stood frozen at the foot end of the bed. The hairs on the back of her neck raised, every fibre of her being suddenly alive. Through a dizzying fog of relief and disbelief she forced herself to further move forward. She hadn't even realised she was moving. But she _was _moving, told only by everything rushing past her in a blur and slow motion at the same time.

Their gazes locked.

"Alex?"

Ticking. The ticking from the overhead clock.

No response.

Piper forced herself to look up. Her skin was pale, almost grey. Alex had lost so much weight so that now her face appeared gaunt and frightfully angular. It shocked Piper - it was the often untold after-effect of waking up from a prolonged coma. The strobe lighting overhead mercilessly accentuating the dark rings encircling her eyes.

But despite all of that Alex looked up at her, and Piper was reminded yet again of how finding her – _being _with her – was like that first crocus you saw in the barren snow. Just when you assumed the harsh winter would last forever, this unexpected beauty takes you by surprise – and if you did not take your eyes off it and kept focus, the rest of the snow would somehow melt.

Alex's eyebrows were scrunched with concentration. Her eyes closed as if trying to answer a particularly difficult question. The visible struggle was hard to bear. She opened her eyes and an expression of familiarity flashed across her face before quickly disappearing. Piper tried to remain relaxed and not jump to conclusions. _Of course, Alex knew who she was and no she was not suffering from memory problems. _Piper looked into her green eyes, the colours looked to be swirling deep, almost making her drunk. She felt herself failing in her resolve.

Piper opened her mouth to speak but was hit by an unforeseen jolt of panic. Why was Alex not reacting? A dozen thoughts whizzed through her mind at breakneck speed until they came to a harsh halt at the words _brain injury. _A roil of nausea hit the back of her throat. No, it couldn't be. All those days and nights she had sat beside Alex's bed desperately wishing for her to wake up - a small voice would constantly remind her of the potential consequence should she wake up.

She thought back to the countless occasions she had fallen asleep to the regular beeping of the ventilator and had awoken to a moment of disorientation before she'd realise she was sat in the ICU. She would anxiously question the doctors about any signs of recovery that they may have noticed during the little period she had not been there.

And each time the same depressing words were whispered to her. The words carving a sizeable chip from the rock of hopefulness. It was after those predictions of "_she'll probably never wake up" _and "_to prepare yourself for the worst" _that Piper struggled most with her inner conflicts - conflicts that seemed to defy resolution and had not allowed for that sickly, stereotypical notion of a _happy ever after _to enter her mind.

At some point she had to make a decision.

Boundaries don't keep the bad out, Piper realised - it was fenced in _with_ you. She thought back to her teenage years, living out with her parents, and how everything in her life had been so rigid. So textbook. So _suffocating._ She had spent the best part of of her living - drawing lines – not daring to move beyond them. Her unrestrained affair with Alex had taught her in no uncertain terms – lines were _there _to be crossed.

Weeks had gone by with no change and it was then that Piper had began questioning her sanity. Had Alex just moved her fingers? Was that a twitch of the eyelid? A lilt at the lips? She would jump up, wincing as her spine adjusted to a position that did not resemble a c-shape. She would press her fingers to Alex's wrist and stroke her arms in encouragement, her own mind fraught with hysteria - a volatile feeling bubbling just beneath the surface. Piper had no idea if Alex could feel her touch or even _knew _Piper was there, but it made her feel better to have the contact. It was easier that way.

Even during those short-lived periods, the weight of the guilt resting on her shoulders caused her to function with increasing difficulty. Each laugh. Each happy thought. Each feeling of pleasure she had felt - without Alex there to experience it with her - felt like she was deliberately violating Alex's condition. Almost akin to a vile sacrilegious act. Of course, she knew she was being irrational but that didn't make it any less uncomfortable.

When she had been close to the precipice of surrender - it occurred to Piper in a sort of profound moment of epiphany. It was the pain. That deep, gnawing pain that had closely accompanied her for all that time - to the point where it had nearly broken her – was the same pain that strangely held her together. Weirdly, it had been that unbearable ache that had told Piper, she herself was alive. She was still real. It was the only sensation that fought the numbness her body had been immersed in.

Piper didn't feel them until the saltiness stung her eyes, the warm liquid running obliquely down her face, before softly landing in her lap. She understood why people welcomed pain so readily in times of darkness. Through times of hopelessness. What was that saying? Why do they keep burning their hands against the hot flames of the raging fire_?_

_Because it feels so **good** when they stop._

"P-p-piper?"

Piper whipped her head around, nearly dislocating her neck in the process. She had somewhat held it together ever since she had stepped foot into the room but it was hearing that voice that caused her to _finally_ unravel at the seams. A voice that she had dreamed about. A voice she had so painfully yearned for. The knot in her throat tightened

Again but more...together. 'Piper?"

Piper prevented herself from blinking. It started in her feet, travelling upwards - a perceptible lump rising somewhere from below her ribcage - rendering her silent.

"How…how long are you, you going to stand… there for?" Alex called - her voice oddly distant and different.

"Alex?" Piper hesitated.

"Alex." This time it was less of a question but more of a try-out. Somewhat similar to the action of dipping your toes into an unknown stretch of water - testing the temperatures before you fully committed yourself to swimming in it.

An inexplicable feeling washed over her body arresting her thoughts in place.

It felt unfamiliar.

Her chest constricted as she came to the over-powering realisation that the feeling that was currently coursing through her... was _joy. _It hit her like a tidal wave and nearly knocked her off balance. The moment so profound it hurt.

Alex gave a self-deprecating chuckle, "Yes." A tired smile, "That's me."

Piper would have been crying except for the very telling possibility, her body had exhausted itself of its seemingly limitless reserve of tears. Instead she made do with a mix of dry sobbing and mumbled words that were not intelligible - even to her.

"Oh Alex."

Piper found herself embracing Alex. Her movements fervent and exploratory.

It felt like the strangest thing to say her name and be comforted in the knowledge she would get a response. "Alex. Alex. I just can't-" She sobbed, the violent shaking of her chest not allowing her to complete the goddamn sentence. "It's just..."

Giving up on speaking. The power of speech temporarily lost. She resigned to something that did not require any words but was, nonetheless, the most telling.

And then she was kissing her - tormented kisses that burned with relief. And they were exhilarating. Euphoric - beyond all imaginings. Her mouth drank greedily and _oh _the sweetness, the release, it was beyond anything Piper had ever craved.

"I love you. I love you."

The familiarity of those lips on hers was so jarring and wonderful at the same time. It occurred to Piper that Alex and her had never _really _been apart – at least not in the emotional sense. She blithely realised that if you loved someone as deeply as she did Alex – there's a pattern to the way you come together. She hadn't even realised it at the time, but their bodies had been choreographed to within an inch of one another; a lingering touch on the thigh, a delicate stroke of the cheek. A staccato kiss – break away – a longer one, Alex's hand slipping under the waistband of her jeans.

It was routine but not in the boring sense of the word. Its just the way things were. Just the way they had learned to fit, and it was why now, their bodies moved in that _exa_c_t_ familiar way – no awkward bumping of noses, no accidental bumps or shoves.

Just resolute familiarity.

"Pipes..." Alex murmured softly but Piper had not heard her.

A louder cry, "Piper!"

Startled, she was jolted upright, clearing herself off the edge of the bed, Piper stood up, a worried expression marring her features. Slightly panicked, her eyes darted all over Alex's form before her eyes rested on hers. "What? What is it?" Her question - verging on borderline hysteria.

"My shoulder..." Alex gasped. The pain evident in her face as she struggled to speak. "...You were leaning against my shoulder."

Alex pointed to the offending shoulder with her eyes - bandaged beyond recognition. The sight served as a sober reminder of the events that had unfolded that night. Piper had spent enough nights thinking of good fortune - of luck - of how it was as thin as a veil, how seamlessly you might stream from one side of it to the other. The scenario could have easily been different. Where she was now bent over Alex - may have easily been her bent before a gravestone. A twitch of the shooter's hand, a different angle, a split-second too late in reaction - and everything might have been wholly different.

"Oh my god, Al. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

Piper flinches, her voice thick with guilt. How could she be so _fucking _blind and stupid? She let her own selfish needs take the forefront whilst completely _fucking _ignoring the blatant fact Alex had been in a coma for the best part of winter.

Alex's lips were lifted into a fatigued smile and to Piper's upset, visibly wincing whilst valiantly trying to appear like she wasn't in any pain and trying to strike a face that portrayed reassurance and wordlessly said; _Everything was fine. Don't you worry._ Piper would have been appeased if it wasn't for the fact tears of pain were cascading down Alex's washed out face, made worse by the audible agonised gasp for breaths.

After an age of awry respirations, Alex spoke out loud, "Nothing a couple of paracetamol can't kill."

"Oh Alex." Piper went into a renewed cycle of tears and sobbing - eased only by Alex's worried implores.

"Hey it's okay. I'm here. Ohh Pipes, please don't because then I'm going to start." Alex smiled nervously.

"I'm sorry."

"If I hear you say 'sorry' again I swear to god..." She took a deep breath, "...I will have to do something entirely ungodly."

Piper couldn't help but notice how Alex looked different. She couldn't quite place it. Yes, the bruises, the fatigued appearance, were visible but not accounting for that - something had altered. "Alex, you must be really tired, the doctor said you should take it easy...-"

"Piper," Alex tilted her head, her eyes earnest, "From what I've been told I have been asleep for two _fucking _months. That's more than most people get so I _think_ I will be okay."

Piper couldn't help but laugh, "I think you may have a point."

Alex shifted in bed, "And can someone find my glasses for me? I feel like I'm living underwater."

After hunting for Alex's glasses, Piper sat down and suddenly dropped a question.

"Do you remember what happened?" The question had been resting on her tongue ever since she had entered that room. A burning flame singing her mouth. She instantly regretted the second it left her mouth.

"Ignore me. I shouldn't have said that." She added hurriedly.

Alex looked away. The last trails of humour disappearing from her face as she registered the question.

"No. It's okay." Alex sighed wearily. "I do remember."

Piper knew she was being entirely illogical and downright stupid but a horrible guilt had been eating away at her. Frank's bullet had been intended for her. It had her name solidly carved onto it - at least in her fevered nightmares. Each time she had held Alex's limp hand was a time a searing pain would cut her in half, like a magician's trick, except she could not be put back together again.

She couldn't help it but she needed to hear it from Alex. To comfort her and tell her that she shouldn't beat herself up about this. She cast her gaze at Alex who looked dejected - her shoulders slumping out of sudden exhaustion. Guiltily, Piper looked away, as the hot tendrils of shame heated her face. How she could be thinking of anyone but herself was beyond her. How ironic, her mother and her were more alike than she would care to admit.

"How you feeling?" Piper asked, her voice barely audible.

"I'm...great." Alex pasted on a smile. It felt gummy and almost insincere, like a hole in the ground that had been covered with the thinnest of cloths. On the surface it was believable and nothing looked amiss but walk across it and you would find yourself falling into a deep, bottomless pit.

* * *

An hour later. Piper was squeezed onto Alex's bed, savouring the closeness and the warmth. She had to keep reminding herself Alex was indeed here by stealing glances at her every so often, together with stroking her hand and having it gently squeezed in return. It was disconcerting how easily they fell back into step with each other. It was like no time had passed at all.

A knock sounded at the door - slammed open shortly thereafter.

"Al! Oh my sweet Alex!"

A wild-haired Diane Vause came rushing into the room - leaving behind a trail of rain drops that covered the floor. She was soaking from top to bottom, hair matted to her face, wet tendrils covering her face. She frantically wiped them away and threw herself at Alex.

"Babe, after all this time. I can't_ fucking_ believe it."

"Mum, you're kind of strangling me here."

Diane laughed. Her face a picture of heart-wrenching relief. "When that cocky doctor guy rang me - I couldn't believe it. I must have scared him off the phone 'cause he hung up on me... or was it me who hung up on him? I can't remember." She chuckled ruefully. "God, Al, I've missed you."

Piper was stood at the back of the room, leaning agains the window-sill. She was fumbling with her fingers - trying not to look at the display of mother daughter re-united. She felt she was somehow breaching the realms of what was obviously a very private encounter. She had met Diane a few times during their many visits to Alex, and Piper had been struck at how easy-going and boisterous Alex's mum had been.

When Alex's condition had not changed and Piper had nearly sunk into a murky blackness that had been swirling with despair and defeat - it had been Diane who had been whispering words of optimism. to her. Each time she would meekly nod - her throat always too tight to speak. It had been her who kept Piper sane in the face of adversity. If it hadn't been for Diane, Piper might _not _have vomited all those tablets she had taken, back out. Or she might have gone through with drinking herself into oblivion.

Which was funny as really it should have been Piper comforting the mother and not the other way round. Regardless, they had clung to each other for support - both weeping for the same person they loved so dearly.

"Well what are you standing there for? Get over here!"

Diane's voice jerked her out of her thoughts - smiling she reached the older woman - and before she knew it was being tightly hugged. Not realising her muscles had been tense the whole time - she relaxed. Her nose tickling as she inhaled in the woman's sweet fragrance. It was a mixture of lavender and hope. It was then that Piper allowed herself to feel content and force herself to move away from that constant treacherous edge, she had been teetering over.

"Can you believe it, Pipes?" Diane mumbled into Piper's ear as she was still held in a tight embrace.

It was only when Piper had saw...heard..._felt _Alex - that she had allowed herself to _believe _it.

"I'm glad you're here, mum."

"I'm glad _you're _here." The older woman answered, her eyes sparkling, "I mean who else would I be drinking margheritas with in their back-gardens?"

Alex laughed. The gravelly voice - an unexpectedly delicious sound to Piper's ears. "Oh man, Al. I've suddenly remembered that busybody that lives across from you."

"Oh god, not that story again." Alex groaned theatrically.

"Wait?" Piper's ears pricked up "What story?"

"Long story short. Lovely, Alex here; ended up giving the poor lady the middle finger and dropping a few F-bombs in her direction."

Mock hurt, Alex countered: "Who the hell calls the police just 'cause the trash was out on the wrong day?" Alex looks at Piper for support who in turn dutifully adopts a _'yeah you tell them like it is' _kind of face.

"Really? F-bombs? At an elderly lady?" Diane raised her eyebrows, a smirk tugging at her lips - uncannily similar to Alex. "_You_ ain't gonna win upstanding citizen of the year, anytime soon."

"Fucking hell, mum. I've been in a coma - more of the hug and less of the smug."

"I know for sure I've gotten my Al back. Still cursing like a sailor." She turned to Piper. "Honestly, Pipe; sometimes I think she communicates only through curses. I've tried to teach her to be more lady-like...no uh, it's like trying to teach a horse to walk across a tightrope." She paused. 'Both ain't gonna happen."

Piper burst into loud guffaws.

"Thanks for the support, Pipes."

"You love me really." Piper teased.

'Diane interjected, "You've picked a good one, Al." She said as she embraced Piper in another hug.

"I have, haven't I mum?" Alex answered thoughtfully. Although Piper could not see her she could feel Alex grinning from ear to ear. "Let her go before you make me jealous."

"Oh Alex, baby. In another world I would have clipped you behind the ears but its real good to hear your voice again." Diane's voice hitched before trailing off. "I don't know what I woulda done if you were a goner."

'Mum, come one, don't. I've had Piper blubber all over me - I don't think I can take anymore crying." Alex murmured softly - her own voice thick with emotion. Piper could see her struggling to hold back in the tears - her throat working furiously.

"I still remember that night like it _fucking _happened yesterday. Which is stupid...'cause it hasn't, you know?" She glanced at Piper - her eyes distant.

There was a silence as they both remembered the nightmare.

"...But now. I'm here. And you guys are here and that's all that matters."

A long deafening silence ensued.

Piper could feel Alex staring at her. Her expression one of vulnerability and relief. And Piper was sure that her own face was reflecting back those same emotions.

She suddenly recalled a phrase that she had once read somewhere; _"Love was just a word, until someone came along and gave it meaning."_

She looked up and and saw Alex's mouth soundlessly form three words.

_"I love you."_

With the weight of countless untold _Iloveyous; _Piper whispered her own earnest utterance;

_"I love you... too."_

She had all the time in the world to utter those three words and repeat them again and again and... again.

_._

_._

_._

* * *

_AN: Apologies for the delay. I've been super busy these past few weeks. Throughout writing this, a phrase I once heard randomly popped into my mind. I thought I'd share it with you guys. " Love doesn't make the carousel go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile." I thought it was quite apt with regards to Alex (and Piper's) journey toward recovery. How deep is that? Totally not pretentious ;p_

_On a concluding note; thank you guys from the bottom of my heart for sticking with this fic - especially to those loyal readers._


	19. Outside the sky is blue

19\. Outside the sky is blue. Inside it starts to pour.

* * *

Alex pushed the key through the front door of her apartment. Annoyingly, her brain was unable to work out the mechanics of turning a lock, which meant her hand uselessly fumbled with the head of the key - fruitlessly scraping the end of it against the lock.

"Here, let me." Piper offered.

"It's okay, I've nearly got it."

Taking a deep breath she willed her mind to remember the painfully simple act of turning a goddamn lock. She could feel Piper's look of concern practically bouncing off her back - uncomfortably attuned to what she must be thinking. After a few minutes of several awkward attempts, Alex finally managed to twist the key and pushed open the door, the unmistakable expression of relief briefly etched across her face before evolving into one of forced pretence.

They step into the hallway when both of them almost trip on the astounding pile of post that has collected over the months. There must have been at least three dozen envelopes, packages and the like, littering the floor. It was a sobering sight that wordlessly indicated just how much time had actually passed.

The apartment looked exactly as she had left it - everything remained untouched and unused - the familiarity of the place strangely jarring. Together they walked into the large expanse of the lounge - grateful for somewhere to sit; Alex gently lowered herself onto the sofa - wary of the burning pain in her right leg. The adrenaline from this morning's news of being told she could go home had all but worn off so that she now felt the fatigue weighing down on her like a sack of stones.

That night when she had collapsed onto the ground from the force of the bullet - her right leg had bore the brunt of her weight, causing a part of the bone to splinter and the muscles around it to tear. The damage had been extensive, rendering her leg virtually useless, but through rehabilitation and intense physiotherapy it had regained most of its strength and use. Alex had been warned that the remaining pain would persist for months if not years. The news had been just about bearable, however, being told that her memory had been affected as well had made it difficult for Alex to maintain the unperturbed persona she had adopted whilst the doctors had been discussing the long-term effects. It wasn't so much _memory _but more problems with word-finding and performing complex physical tasks - key-turning apparently being one of those complex tasks.

The coffee table in front of her was covered with haphazardly thrown brochures_; 101 things to do in New York,_ _Spend your New Year's Eve with us at Times Square. _Alex remembered that night; it was a few nights before New Year's Eve - they had been so giddy and partially drunk courtesy of raiding the shops that same day for alcohol and pizza - Piper had insisted on picking up leaflets in order for them to 'get the most out of the night'. Alex just realised they had never even removed the plastic from the guides.

The sight drove a blunt knife across Alex's stomach, the ensuing pain coalescing with the already residual pain throbbing from the bullet site just below her collar-bone. All of a sudden, her surroundings drowned out and her mind was flooded with disjointed images and sounds: a scene of her and Piper walking contently over snow-covered ground, their laughter filling the night air.

Cut to another scene and it was Piper with cheeks flushed, wearing Alex's grey beanie, admiring the multi-coloured flashes of the firework display. And like a reel from a director's cut, a black curtain suddenly seemed to tear apart before her eyes and the unexpected sensation of gritty snow pressing against her cheeks was suddenly felt, closely followed by the contrasting heat of blood escaping from her body as she lay helplessly on the icy surface, its sickly metallic tang saturating the air.

A voice. A distorted voice.

The sound seemed to ring like a bell in Alex's head. With a burst of effort, she jerked her head and managed with difficulty to dissipate the images from her mind. Alex looked at the source of the sound; she could see Piper's mouth moving, but strangely could not hear anything. Or at least could not get her mind to decipher the words.

Her eyes cast sideways and all of a sudden, the glossy leaflets decorating the small table seemed to be mocking her; their bright, colourful promises of the 'best night of your life' a contemptuous direct at her. Ignoring the sharp pain in her shoulder, that had steadily been reaching astronomical levels, Alex leant forwards and with a surge of anger swiped the entire collection off the table - sending everything crashing loudly onto the marble floor. She studiously avoided Piper's no doubt startled face.

Alex distantly realised she was panting for air – an involuntary response to ease the gnawing in her chest. The moment of satisfaction proved only to be temporary and it was doubtless a renewed cycle of anger would propagate.

The anger and injustice had been a recurring theme throughout the rehabilitative process; yes Piper and her mother had made the hard work that little easier but Alex could not shake off the fact that with each stumble, each fall, each searing pain, was like offering Frank a part of herself and instruct him to destroy it. In the end, she had lost the will to even to participate in the physical therapy sessions; after all where was the motivation when Alex had been told that the future of her job was hanging by a thread?

And really, she didn't even know why it was so difficult to even just try or put in a fraction of the effort required. It would actually be much easier than she gave it credit for. She surmised that maybe it was the desire to want to go from 1 to a 100 without _actually _having to go through the whole sequence of numbers and instead have the easy luxury of just arriving at the 100. _Hey presto, I'm fixed again._

_"Look forward to the future!"_ Was the response from the acne-ridden therapist with a too wide smile on her face. _"You're so lucky to be alive!"_

Was being patronising a required job description there?

They were all so disillusioned.

And then there was the _very _small matter of work. Alex had wished she had never opened that email from the medical director, detailing the changes in her contract. It had been everything _but_ understanding.

The sheer thought of "slowly easing back" into work had caused a heavy dread to enter her legs, she wanted to go back _now. _And apparently a doctor with memory issues was not one that was particularly wanted.

It would most likely start with 'light work' before being promoted to 'medium work'; the meagre transition of low to medium marked through a sickly, forced celebration by her colleagues. More a party built on pity than real success.

_Well done, Alex. You've just progressed from filing paperwork to seeing your first patient in half a year. Hurrah. Let's all ignore the fact you were once one of the most sought after cardiology specialist in the region._

She angrily brushed away the stinging tears daring to spring out the corner of her eyes.

"Alex?"

"What?"

The bitterness of the response surprised her and Alex quickly swallowed it, and instead just shook her head.

Piper looked to be at odds at what she should do, given away by the fumbling of fingers – a nervous gesture Alex knew so painfully well. The mouth opened and closed and it was obvious Piper was seriously contemplating her words before they were spoken out loud. Trying to think of the 'right' thing to say. And it was then that Alex realised with sudden, startling clarity – there was no word or _word_s in the dictionary that would probably ever abate the anguish she was feeling. Or maybe she was not feeling anything at all. She couldn't really tell anymore.

In a tinny voice, Alex muttered; "Let's get food."

.

.

.

The next few months passed by through a blur of monotony and indifference.

They were sat on Alex's bed, Piper had her head rested on Alex's lap whilst she absently worried a particularly stubborn thread loosened from the duvet. It was one of those absolute rarities, an exceptional gem of just doing nothing but be each other's company. It was those days that Alex revelled in so much.

"I thought about us going to therapy sessions together."

Alex looked down, "Therapy sessions?"

"You know like psychological counselling and all that. I read that it's really useful, you know after all that's happened."

Out of nowhere a surge of resentment harshly thrust Alex's insides. It was _her _who took the bullet. It was _her _whose future had been rendered unrecognisable. It was _her_ whose livelihood was in the process of disintegrating. It was _her _who would be stood in the kitchen and become paralysed with terror at the popping sound of _fucking _popcorn – their crackling forcing her to relive flashbacks of the bullet Frank had _all_ but kissed and shoved deep inside her.

Therapy? She would need a _fucking _intervention.

Startled, Alex sat stock-still, alarmed at the poisonous thoughts defiling and fouling her mind. She forced herself to look at Piper who had been intently watching her with worried eyes – which only caused Alex to nearly collapse from the impossibly heavy weight of shame.

"Alex? Are you okay?"

Still reeling, Alex forced her expression to appear off-handed – like she totally had not been affected by what had been swirling in her mind not minutes ago. Forcing a semblance of normality she mumbled, "Yeah, counselling sessions sound great."

She could not bring herself to go further than a simple reassurance – no added quips. No sarcastic retorts.

.

.

.

It was the end of February, the snow had begun to melt and the first slashes of colours were beginning to break through the white; purple and yellow and red flowers were sporadically scattered, proudly marking the transition into Spring.

Piper found her slouching in front of the TV watching a programme that she was pretty sure was not part of Alex's preferred genre. At Piper's footsteps she turned around, "I never realised how _fucking _good..." Alex stuttered as she tried to find the word.

"Pizza." Piper finished.

"Yep, pizza ." She remarked chirpily and took a generous bite from the slice in her hand, humming appreciatively. "You want some?"

Piper just stared. Alex was wearing her oversized Princeton hoodie that had worn out so much the lettering had faded into indiscriminate patterns. Hair messy, glasses slightly askew and it was possibly the most perfect sight ever - which would make the next half hour that much harder.

"No thanks." She sat down, "Alex, I've just found out, I have a family emergency so will be gone for a few days."

She braced herself for all the questions; no doubt to follow but surprisingly none came.

"Okay, it's nothing bad, I hope?" She replied without taking her eyes of the TV.

"Oh no! You know my mum." Piper scoffed and rolled her eyes theatrically, the feeling of guilt quadrupling by the second.

"Where is it?"

"…Washington."

"Washington?" At this Alex swivelled around and muted the programme.

She shifted her weight from one foot to the other, unable to directly look Alex in the eye, afraid that her resolve would be hampered.

"Yeah, it's an unwell aunt. We've been told we all have to go."

The lie easily rolled of her tongue. Piper ignored the flash of guilt that shortly chased after it. Throughout her life, lies and liars had surrounded Piper. She had practically swallowed rivers of lies. Deceit. Hypocrisy. The duplicitous nature of the Chapman household had made it all that easier for Piper to justify herself now. It was _only _lying by omission, not an _actual _lie.

Alex frowned and dwelled on that for several seconds before she spoke again, "You never mentioned you had family in Washington." It wasn't really a question but a thought spoken out loud.

"Oh? I thought I'd mentioned it once." She squirmed.

"Okay, when will you be back?"

"Oh, couple of days at best."

"Do you want me to go with you? You know for moral support?" Alex smiled.

Piper swallowed the ever-growing lump in her throat, "No, no That's fine, I will be back before you know it." She leaned down and kissed Alex, their noses grazing briefly and Piper could swear the scent of lies was rolling off her skin like the unshakeable smell of a body left to decompose in the heat, and was somewhat surprised Alex did not call her on it.

Several weeks later; the letter had come. The emblem of the Michael Smith Memorial Hospital was punched in the far right corner of the envelope. She was a part of a select group of short-listed candidates who had an 'exemplary performance' at the interview. and still she could not bring herself to tell Alex. It wasn't as if the fact that she had been short-listed was somehow an admission of her leaving. So that was how she had justified to herself that telling her would only serve to somehow imply Alex's working life had expired and that hers was just beginning.

No one. Absolutely no one, turned down a job offer at Michael Smith - it was the most prestigious hospital in America - akin to Johns Hopkins or the Mayo Clinic. She would be committing career suicide if she didn't take it.

But it was in _fucking _Washington.

.

.

.

Piper's constant worrying. Always asking Alex if she was okay. Did she want a drink? Did she want the lights out? Did she want her legs up? Down? Was the room the right temperature? It was _suffocating. _ There had been times when that frustrated feeling would bubble over and the desire to scream out loud became all too strong. And of course, Piper was completely oblivious to her overbearing sympathy, but Alex could never bring herself to tell Piper of this. Really? What would she even say?

Stop being so nice. So being so attentive. Stop _caring_ for me.

Wow she really was ungrateful. A _fucking _asshole of the highest order.

The problem was Alex did not know exactly why it irritated her so much or why she was being such an asshole about it - as demonstrated by her increasingly abrupt responses and shrugs of indifference. She could tell by the way Piper would hesitate before each utterance, the way she would avert her gaze downwards, the way her elbows were crossed over her chest, as if protecting herself from whatever emotional damage inflicted upon her.

Maybe it was the fact Piper's supportive actions somehow indirectly implied Alex needed caring for. _Needed_ to be looked after. And she did _not _need looking after. _Sh_e was the one who people relied on. She was the one who was in control and decided which way the cards fell.

And with each caring action she became less in control further perpetuating the distinct awareness she was being entirely ungrateful. It was something she never failed to take stock of - something that was always in the forefront of her consciousness.

One day, Alex had spared the effort to make dinner. Although she didn't like to blow her trumpet – she was a darn good cook – and now that she had practically all the time in the world – now was as good a time as any to put her culinary skills to use.

Whilst plating the food, she reached for the top shelf, intent on grabbing the salt shaker, when a searing pain cut through her chest, originating from the scarred over entry wound. Her head jerked back. Alex gulped in a deep breath. She must have aggravated the wound by extending her arms over her head. She teetered backwards until she was pressed against the cold rim of the kitchen island.

The violence of the pain shocked her, and she slowly pulled her arm by her side, careful not to initiate any sudden movements. Where were here painkillers? Alex racked her brains but couldn't for the life of her remember. She raided the cupboards, the toilet cabinet, the bedside table but to no avail. The pain crescendoed to unbearable heights. Alex tentatively pressed her hand of her good arm against the throbbing site. A new pain suddenly exploded in her head. She heard herself cry out, but the sound was foreign to her, like the shriek of a dying animal. Alex could feel herself falling backwards, and with nothing to break her fall, she fell mercilessly onto the tiled floor.

Alex did not make a move to get up. It was easier that way.

Suddenly she wished for nothing more but to hear her mother's voice. Her mum always knew what to do and it was only when the sun had settled far beyond the horizon that Alex made any qualms about standing up. The food had long been forgotten.

.

.

.

During the whole subway journey from work, Piper went through the words she would use, the gestures she would use and dampened the panic that would every now and again swell - with reassurances that it was the right _thing _to do.

The strong smell of booze assaulted her nose as soon as she walked into the apartment. She turned the corner and was met by Alex sat forlornly at the kitchen island surrounded by empty wine bottles and glasses. It was an arresting sight that cut through her body.

She nerved herself and asked, "Alex, I need to talk to you."

It was answered by an envelope thrown to her feet. Piper instinctively stepped back before realising what it was, she focussed her eyes at the envelope, alarm causing her vision to blur. She bent down to pick it up all the while screaming internally. This was not how she planned it out.

"Alex, I-"

"Just open it." She replied without bothering to look up from her drink.

Piper only noticed now it was an envelope that was conspicuously missing the Michael Smith emblem and it felt more bulkier than hers, puzzled she removed the letter and unfolded it.

She quickly scanned the letter and suddenly her earlier trepidations paled in comparison to the feeling of disbelief that was now quickly enveloping her.

"What is this?" She gestured the letter at Alex as if not trusting her own reading skills.

"It's exactly what it says there." Alex gulped down her drink and was busy opening another bottle, "It's like one big _fucking _pantomime that will never end."

There would be no trial. No jail sentence. Frank had been deemed mentally unstable. There would be no justice. No... _closure._

"You'll get through this."

And therein lay the problem; in order for Alex to reach her goal, her recovery if you will, its success heavily relied on justice being served. It was conditional on Frank being _fucking _locked up - only then could she exhale the long-suffering breath she was holding.

"What were you going to tell me, anyway?" Alex asked - her tone fuzzy and unfamiliar.

Piper froze. "It was nothing. Don't worry."

How could she tell her now? It would destroy her. Piper was afraid that Alex's path of self-destruction would only escalate and so she told herself now was not the right time. She uncomfortably ignored the fact the "now" had never been right for the past month.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Talk about what?"

Piper pointed at the worrying array of liquor littering the worktop as if that was all the explanation she needed.

"Not particularly, no."

"Alex, the way you are now." Piper paused, "It's scaring me. I don't know what to do. Just talk to me!"

"And what is there to talk about?"

"I don't know!" she responded in exasperation, "Isn't that we people do? Talk things out? The way you are now...just talk to me!"

"Piper! Shut the _fuck _up! Jesus Christ, you're like a never-ending talking doll." Alex snapped. "I _said _I don't want to talk about it. What part of that sentence is so difficult to understand?"

Frowning, Piper just stared at Alex – lost for words – not quite believing her ears had correctly deciphered what she had just heard.

"Alex…"

Alex refused to meet her gaze but remained steadfastly focussed on the intricate patterns of the wood panelling lining the shelf beside them. It was neutral territory.

A long uncomfortable silence ensued.

"I get that you're pissed at me but at least have the decency to tell me what I've done wrong that's making you so…_pissy."_

Alex suddenly jumped up, knocking the chair over. It hit the floor with an ear-shattering crash. She took an unsteady step forwards, her voice out of control, " _"_You really want to know?" The question sounded loaded but Piper remained silent. "I'll tell you." Alex continued, the strong stench of alcohol noticeable on her breath, and it hit Piper squarely in the face but she bit her tongue. Brilliant green eyes were now blood-shot, cheeks dark-red and there was an air of wild recklessness about Alex that caused a cold, chilling sensation to settle over Piper. She quivered.

In a low voice, Alex concluded, "I'm _sick _of...this. All of it."

.

.

.

Alex could practically hear the hesitation in Piper, before the next few words were quietly spoken. "This is clearly not working."

Indeed it wasn't. She fought the urge to look up – afraid that she would melt Piper with her accusatory gaze.

Piper continued speaking, the unmistakable undertones of annoyance creeping into her forced attempt at civility. "See you always do this. At least look at me." Pause before a staggered speech, " Do you _hate _me for not having been…shot by, by..." She couldn't bring herself to say his name. It was like poison on her tongue, "...by him?" Alex remained silent. "Because I haven't asked for any of this. _All _of this."

Alex was taken aback. Because that was the very last thing she expected to hear. She was distinctly aware a lot of things that had been suppressed and not spoken out loud...out of compromise. Pity. Sympathy or whatever the _fuck _else – and were surfacing above the murky waters and taking the conversation to more treacherous grounds. A ground where unforgivable, unforgettable _things _might be said.

"Your selfishness never ceases to amaze me." Alex spat. " Are you saying that I should have _watched _you get shot? Are you saying that I _resent _you for not living the shitty life I'm currently living?"

Cold disbelief prevented Alex from speaking properly, her voice sounded strange and hollow to her ears. Her _fucking_ shoulder decided then to start throbbing incessantly_._

"Alex…that's not what I meant."

"Well, what did you mean then?"

"All I'm saying is you cannot keep reminding me of your noble sacrifice...-"

Alex's eyes popped wide open, not able to bring herself to respond to that stinging revelation

Stricken, Piper grabbed Alex's arm, " I'm sorry. That came out all wrong."

"Is that what you think I'm doing?" The resentment spilling over her words, "…That I'm somehow _boasting _about the fact I nearly got killed? That I jumped in front of that bullet to somehow gain recognition for it?" The more Alex tried to reason Piper's remark the more macabre and absurd it sounded.

Well if that's what you think, I'd have let you happily take the bullet. " Alex bitterly finished.

Alex could not help but notice Piper jerking back from shock, as if the words themselves had physically pushed her back. The second the words had left the confines of her mouth; she instantly regretted them. Her mind was screaming at her to apologise and brush it off as the 'stress' getting to her. And Alex knew that Piper would accept the apology with open arms. Alex knew it just wasn't in Piper's nature to hold grudges. Yes, she would have the odd tantrum, occasionally dishing out the silent treatment, but nothing ever _drastic. _She could already foresee Piper relaxing as apologies were exchanged whilst nervously chuckling along with her at their apparent 'silly' fighting and all would be easily forgiven.

_"_You don't mean that."

"Oh yes. I do."

"You're _fucking _drunk, Alex."

"You want to perform a noble sacrifice?" Alex forced Piper to look at her, "Well, let me get a _fucking_ time-machine and we'll whirl back to that...that night and I'll let you have your moment of glory. How about that? You want that, huh?" Alex slurred her words.

"Shut up! Shut up!" Piper shielded her ears.

"Yeah, that's it." Alex spat out in a derisory sneer, "Pretend it's not happening. Typical Piper."

"You're absolutely pissed. I am _not _going to take anything in your drunk state as gospel." Piper said, "They're nothing but drunk ramblings" Alex could hear the conviction in Piper's words wavering - as if she had realised her reassurances of it just being nothing but liquor-driven sentiments might not exactly ring true.

The silence was the worst. Alex could feel it steadily causing a wedge between them, and soon it became intolerable. The thing was; who was going to speak out first? Minutes passed. No one would break the heavy-duty silence. It was as if Piper and Alex had made a tacit pact that the first one to speak out would be the guilty one.

_"Piper, I'm so sorry. I really didn't mean that."_

_"..."_

_"..."_

_"Alex...it's okay."_

_"No, those things. I was just..."_

_Piper faintly smiled, "These last few weeks have been rough to say the least."_

_"Hmmm." Alex murmured, silently grateful._

Except **_none_ **of that was said. It **_could_** have been. Alex hadn't said a word. She couldn't and instead she balled her fists tightly and restrained herself.

Why in the living _fuck _could she not just take back the words? The alcohol was causing her brain to multiply the number of simultaneous emotions she was feeling and it impeded on her ability to reason. She glanced sideways, noticing Piper had her arms and legs crossed, slightly rocking backwards and forwards as if she was withdrawing both emotionally and physically, and just as the magnitude of the situation befell on Alex - as if on cue - Piper folded into herself even more.

In a quietly, wooden voice Piper spoke, finally shattering the unbearable atmosphere; "I have lost track of the number of nights I wished to a God I don't even believe in; to have taken me instead of you, Alex." Piper's breath hitched, "The amount of times I_ wished_ it had been me. In some backward, _fucked _up logic, I thought, that ending it would somehow make everything right again."

The shock hit Alex like a brutal kick, right in the solar plexus and she actually felt herself being pushed back into the sofa, such was the force of the invisible kick. _She had actually tried to end her life? Commit suicide? _Alex ruthlessly choked back the acrid waves of bile rising from her stomach whilst the icy tendrils of dread wrapped themselves somewhere deep around her spine.

Piper said nothing for a moment, but Alex could hear her shaky exhalation, and she knew Piper was struggling not to cry. It was the silence, and the glimmer of tears in her eyes that cut straight through Alex's heart. The feeling came on like a fist crunching her stomach, squeezing so tight it choked off any effort of breathing.

"I didn't want to do it, Alex." Piper sobbed in between words, barely able to articulate herself, "But the guilt...it was just too much. Each _fucking_ night was like a never-ending cycle of darkness and thinking. Too _much _thinking. Horrible images of us and you." She wiped her tears, "Mostly of you."

Alex closed her eyes, teeth gritted, she balled her hands into fists and strained against the acerbic feelings of injustice. Of shame. Of _regret_.

"Piper..."

She tried to remain placid. She really did, but she felt her face and arms and legs shatter - at least that's how it felt like. "Damn you, Piper." Fighting the hot sting of tears prickling the corner of her eyes, Alex felt her head sag and inwardly crumpled.

"I'm a..."

Alex felt the familiar feeling of blankness enter her head as she searched for the word in what she called the vacuum of random and indiscriminate words. The harder she thought, the further from remembering she was, which was pissing her off even more.

"Alex, it's okay. Really." said Piper, and in that one word she communicated everything. Understanding. Forgiveness.

Alex could feel Piper turning to face her. They had known each for a year or so, yet they had never gone beyond the simple of fact of being in love - assuming that everything would just fall into place - and they had. But now, _this, now, _had happened, and they had tried to deal with the situation the best they could, and for a while it _had_ worked - but something just wasn't working. Alex wished she did not know what it was - but she could not escape the fact that their relationship had changed and moved from one strata to another, devolved from lovers to...the carer and cared for. And the thing is it wasn't so much a recognised fact but a problem. Alex had come to depend on Piper more than she depended on anyone else. She was the one who kept her sane, and she couldn't afford to lose her. And it _fucking_ scared her.

Piper's eyes were red-rimmed and her cheeks blotchy but she still held an air of grace and relief about her. Her eyes burned with distress - which was funny really, because it wasn't Piper that should be distressed it should be her. The relationship dynamics had been always been where it would always be Piper who would readily apologise, the first to apologise, (regardless of whether she was at fault) the first to recognise her mistakes, and at first Alex would tease her about it; telling her to stop apologising so easily.

She had now come to realise that the apologies were only told in substitute for Alex's apologies - ones that never came, because she was too proud. Too blind? Looking back through the 20/20 vision that the lens of retrospect gave you; Alex realised it had been necessary - necessary if their relationship was to thrive and stay alive.

Abandoning at trying to remember, Alex faintly murmured about needing to get air and slowly got up without waiting for an answer, taking with her the near empty bottle of whiskey. Was she giving her space? Or was she pushing her away? Alex didn't know anymore. All she knew was that she had get out of there.

.

.

.

The rain was soothing. Alex hadn't even realised her breathing had been becoming increasingly erratic, for the next few minutes she focussed on getting it in order. She directed her eyes heavenward – which wasn't really the right word since the angry swirling clouds, pregnant with rain – looked anything but _heavenly. _Although Alex was grateful for the darkness permitted by the night sky, the balcony left her completely exposed to the elements, and in no less than a minute - she was soaked wet through. She tried to imagine the cold droplets of rain, washing away the thick stain of bitterness adhered to her skin, her clothes, but most of all her mind. The rain seemed to come down harder now, the darkness now a heavy, tangible blackness, the rain lost in it.

_I'd have happily let you take the bullet_

Had she really said that? The fact had she been harbouring such malice and despise, scared Alex. But really, it was _that _look _after _she had said that had disintegrated her. Piper had forgiven her (at least that's what Alex thought) – even then, she knew that no amount of forgiveness or understanding would erase the words from her mind. She wouldn't exonerate herself – and that's what scared her the most.

"Fuck you, Frank. Fuck you. Fuck…you."

They wouldn't have been in this _fucking _abyss, if it weren't for him. She took a swallow of whiskey, drinking it down in a resentful gulp, the whole time intensely aware of the scorching feeling at the back of her throat – not wanting to admit it wasn't due to the alcohol.

_Failure._

It hit her then, like a slap across the face. The word she had tried to recall earlier; "I'm a failure."

Alex realised she was sobbing. It was a horrible and unfamiliar sensation that seemed to involve every muscle in her body. It was mostly a soundless affair save for the intermittent sharp intakes of breath. It was as though her heartache was trapped in a vault, her cries inaudible to anyone but her.

Alex didn't even know why exactly she was crying. She was a _fucking_ doctor _god-dammit._ When had she turned into this emotionally volatile wreck? At what point had she become the very people she thought she would never become – had _vowed _wouldn't become? Those pitiful people ravaged by post-traumatic stress, and allowed every aspect of their lives to be controlled and governed by it. With a jolt of blind fury she yanked her glasses off her face, and wiped her eyes.

She reached for the bottle beside her and was about to take another swig when a hand encircled the bottle and gently pried it out of her hands. Transfixed, Alex watched Piper carefully place the bottle on the floor and sit next to her on the now drenched balcony floor – the rain still brutally cascading down. She felt that same hand hold hers - the fingers intertwining seamlessly between hers - the warmth of them so startlingly soothing. Alex found herself completely surrendering to it, involuntarily shifted closer but still could not meet the person behind the hand. An unbroken stream of shame screwed her in place, wrapping a heavy-hold chain around her body. They sat like that for what seemed like an incalculable length of time.

"It's okay."

Piper had broken the silence.

"Alex, _look_ at me."

With difficulty she turned her head. "We suck, huh?' She managed to whisper for nothing better to say.

"Mmmhhm"

They pressed their foreheads against each other, still holding each other tightly, afraid that if they let go, it would somehow reflect on the status of their relationship. A morbid deduction, but it was one that may hold some truth.

"Remember that weekend we went to the coast in Maine and we got locked out of the beach-house all the while rain was dropping down in buckets?"

Alex smiled. Yes she did remember.

'Not to mention the stray dog that came and tried to take our food." Alex added.

Piper laughed out loud, "Wow, that was one hell of a big dog, but the rain; that was just wow."

Alex recalled the lashings of rain that had soaked them in a matter of seconds and how they lost the keys to the beach-house they had rented for the weekend. After paying in excess of fifty bucks to have the key replaced they had finally sought refuge from the rain where they'd had one of the longest hot showers ever.

"That was one hell of a good weekend." Alex murmured - the feelings of nostalgia washing over her.

"We could still have those weekends." Alex was well aware that Piper's words were hinting at something else - the ambiguity was not lost on her - in order to have those weekends there had to be a _couple. _There had to be a _them_ to make those _weekends _possible.

Suddenly an inexplicable need to profusely apologise hit Alex, "Pipes, I'm sorry. I truly didn't mean any of that shit."

"Shhh."

"No, let me finish, please." Alex pleaded.

"Just tell me you love me, that's all."

Not wasting a second, "I love you." Not content with the simplicity of the phrase, Alex added, "I love you with all my heart."

"I love you, too." Piper echoed.

Alex made an inarticulate sound low in her throat as she let the words rinse over her.

Alex turned her face and her breath caught in her throat when she saw how terribly beautiful Piper looked. The way her rain-soaked tousled hair fell across her face and framed her face so perfectly. The way her blue eyes bore that expression of childish wonder. It was all abstract and intangible but she could swear she could see the love in them. Which really was plainly ridiculous and not at all possible.

She closed her eyes. The whole thing was so unexpectedly candid.

Alex flickered her eyes open again, seeing herself staring into Piper's eyes once more, but this time when she saw the undisguised flare of desire in those blue depths she felt a heady sense of hunger. An uncensored hunger that encapsulated her and pounded in her veins until she was aware of nothing but an almost desperate, overwhelming need to submit her broken self to nothing but passion. That would fix it. Yes, _of course._

Desire fought with restraint and won by the narrowest of margins.

Through a simmering, burning need, their lips crashed against each other, the pouring rain rolling off their faces, the rivulets tracing a pattern down their necks. Alex could hear Piper gasp and she captured the faint sound, grinding her lips on hers with an almost primal desire that stirred her senses into a feverish realm of expectation. Alex was on fire and in that precise moment - nothing else mattered - not the past and all its horrors and not the future and all its precarious uncertainties.

She wanted her now, the only person she had ever really loved and when Alex felt Piper deftly remove her drenched top in one sweeping swipe, she sighed with relief.

Alex sensed Piper's lack of sudden movements; she opened her eyes in confusion, noticing Piper staring. "Does it hurt?"

She followed Piper's line of vision and it came to rest on a discoloured area of skin just underneath her collarbone, the faint outline of the scar was just visible, its jagged edges demarcating the entry of the bullet.

"Sometimes." Alex eventually answered, suddenly feeling exposed.

In a wordless answer, with the gentlest of pressures; Piper rained light kisses all over the scar.

"Piper." The name escaped from Alex's lips as a plea rather than an objection.

When she felt the waistband of her jeans being tugged, Alex shifted her weight to allow better access, and moaned a low growling sound when Piper's fingers slid into her and began to explore with a careful thoroughness that made her clench her teeth and bite her lips at the same time as the pleasure built. The hard wood pressed into Alex's back as she let herself be pushed back, the weight of Piper's on hers. Their movements alternated between frantic and slow and it was as if they had both something to prove. What it was, they both did not know.

Normally it was her who took the lead and governed the direction of their intimacies but tonight, tonight Alex felt herself give over, relishing in the unfamiliar feeling of subjugation.

"Take me. Take me, Piper." Alex groaned, losing herself in Piper's hair. The warmth and moist scent so overpowering.

"Shhh." Piper placed an index finger against her lips and through sated whispers, "We always communicated better without words, Al."

The pressure and rate of Piper's fingers increased and she clenched her eyes shut bucking against that hand. Through hazed, heavy eyes, Alex looked upwards the night sky so brilliantly clear, stippled with the sporadic white light from a star, and with no thought in her head other than the increasingly feverish pressure against her centre, she felt herself reaching the inevitable endpoint - and it was then that the black sky erupted into flashes of white and she could swear it rained down on their slick, spent bodies through tiny fragments of scattered light.

.

.

.

* * *

One warm Monday after coming home, Piper found Alex sat at the sofa with a defeated expression occupying her features; the sort of face someone might sport after being told the worst news possible. Piper's heart misses a beat and it painfully pitched in her chest. Alex had found out. She swallowed the doubts but they stubbornly made their way out again and caused her to lumber forwards. She tentatively approached Alex and sat besides her, finding herself mentally preparing for the inevitable onslaught. She deserved it. Sick regret washed over Piper – the sense that she could have stopped this from happening was overpowering. She couldn't now. It was too late.

"I'm going back to work."

Alex's down-trodden face transformed into one of untainted triumph.

"Huh?"

Momentarily puzzled by the sudden turn in events, Piper failed to muster the required degree of enthusiasm obviously expected of her, but Alex did not even notice.

"I mean…they haven't signed me off for surgeries and ward rounds yet but I can see patients in clinics and do pretty much everything else."

Alex's eyes reflected something Piper's had not seen in a long time. Something she had thought she would never see again. Was that a glint of worth? A glimmer of having goals in life again? Of thinking beyond the immediate present? Taking Piper's silence as unspoken encouragement Alex continued (her speech unnaturally feverish and rapid), "I know it's going to take a while before everything goes back to normal again, but Pipes…" Alex smiled wistfully, "…that means Fitzgerald and the board have faith in me. They still believe in me and-"

Piper could no longer contain herself, but in an avalanche of anxiety blurted out, "I've been offered a job."

Alex stopped talking and for a second Piper thought she hadn't heard her. For a protracted second, Piper was relieved she wasn't heard and maybe had been granted a second chance, but then Alex's brows furrowed together in confusion and she slowly levelled her gaze at Piper; her expression quietly questioning.

"At Litch Gen? That's great, I mean-"

Piper squirmed, "Washington."

"Washington?"

There was a moment of stunned and painful silence before Alex shifted in her seat, and painstakingly pre-occupied herself with rearranging the cigarettes butts in the ashtray and assembling them into a sort of semi-circle. Piper sucked in a shuddering breath; well aware it was Alex's way of considering her response. Piper felt as though she had been thrown into a frozen lake that wouldn't crack under her weight and instead caused her to painfully ricochet against its icy surface, her throat felt too tight and dry . She squeezed her eyes shut and blocked Alex's image. Her confession was coming out at the worst possible time, (when was a good time?) and whatever she had been going to say escaped her; in that moment Piper was not even sure what she had planned to say.

"I had an interview at the hospital and then was shortlisted and, and I-I," She stumbled over her words, "I guess I must have done something right because they have offered me a full time post there."

Something about Alex changed. Some new quality had entered those deep green eyes, the earlier enthusiasm had dried up and there was an unfamiliar detached expression on her face as she looked at Piper. Her mouth hardened and with carefully chosen, over-pronounced words - words that sounded completely un-Alex – she hissed them out in a stream of barely audible sounds, "And you were going to tell me this when?"

"Alex-"

"Whilst you'd be packing your suitcase?" Alex's eyes flicked at her accusingly.

"Alex I wanted to tell you – "

"Or would it have been over the phone while you were in _fucking _Washington _after _casually remembering to better tell dumb, _invalid_ Alex? Tell me Piper, because I really want to know."

"Al, you don't mean that."

There was a prolonged pause, a condemning silence.

"Wait." Alex turned to face her, That time you told me you had a family emergency in Washington…?"

Piper didn't say anything. Her silence was answer enough.

"Oh."

Panicked, Piper closed her eyes before opening them again, somehow hoping that the scene had changed, but this was not a movie where you could cut from scene to scene; this was a reel of uncut nightmares. She tried to place a comforting hand on Alex's shoulder but it was unforgivingly shrugged off, almost unconsciously. The withdrawal seemed more than just physical. "Don't."

Piper bit the inside of her cheek, in an attempt to hold back the tears threatening to seek their escape, but she bit into it too harshly, only realising when the warm, salty taste of blood filled her mouth.

"I don't begrudge you for pursuing better things." Alex began in an ominously forced tone, her gaze directed downwards at the floor, as if locking eyes with Piper would unravel her. "I can't expect you to hold your life back."

Piper searched Alex's face for some sign that would tell her how she truly felt, but Alex's expression remained shuttered. This was the moment where Piper should have heaved a sigh of relief, but she just felt empty inside.

"Alex, I wanted to tell you all that time, it was just never the right time. You had your own problems, what with the hospital and, and your work. And also it's not like I have accepted the offer."

"Piper, really. I'm holding you back…don't think I haven't noticed. I'm like a _fucking _third wheel, without the third person."

Alex's voice was low and off, and there was sadness in it that surprised Piper. There was that vulnerability again. She suddenly felt unbalanced, wrong. All wrong. This was all wrong.

"We haven't kissed, had sex, or even held each other's hands for weeks."

Each time Piper would lightly brush it off with blithe assurances and Alex's misgivings would be put to rest. However, over time Alex would began to notice little things (nothing major); the subtle beginnings of dark circles under Piper's eyes, the gradual loss of their spontaneous intimacies, the easy-goingness of their conversations had all but ceased.

"It's not working. It never would."

There it was said. A simple enough phrase, consisting of a few scattered nouns and verbs, and although Piper wanted to easily disagree and refute Alex's verdict on their relationship and that her worry was so far removed from the truth – she couldn't. Why? Because Alex had spoken _the _cold, hard truth.

Alex laughed a tragically forlorn laugh, devoid of humour, "I guess I've saved you from voicing that out loud, huh?"

Piper parts her lips, her throat stacked high with protests, but Alex lifts her hand and turns her palm at her, halting her excuses, "And I don't want to be a bitch about it, so please, please, don't say anything else, because I'm really…"

Her voice breaks, forcing her to leave the sentence hanging." _Fuck. Fuck._"

Something in the way Alex says the last words, strikes a chord within Piper. A sliver of familiarity gently teases a memory out of her, but it then forcefully hits her: rewind several months and stop at exactly _that _moment. A moment that Piper has accepted will be forever ingrained within the confines of her inner eye. Alex lying on the blanket of snow, and _smiling _that _smile _– despite knowing her life had been ending. That unwavering acceptance that was just so goddamn Alex.

With that Alex rose to her feet, wincing ever so slightly - hardly noticeable - but enough for Piper to notice, and the action serves to drive a blunt screw through her heart. The guilt over-riding everything else building up within her. And just like that, the room was empty, leaving her unnerved and unsettled. Piper was so sure the temperature had dropped several degrees; the coldness suddenly overbearing.

Left alone with her thoughts, the questions came like an unstoppable wave. Questions she _really_ did not want to answer as the overwhelming sense of conclusion and finality bore down on her.

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* * *

_AN: Yes, I haven't updated for a while but I hope that this 8k+ chapter makes up for that._

_Let me know what you think, however minor. And yes, the ever predictable gushing; thank you from the bottom of my heart reviewing, favouriting, and following this fic, guys _

_* Music that I've listened to during the writing of the last two or three chapters. They've really helped me get into the mood for the angsty parts._

_Drown - Bring Me the Horizon_

_Afraid - The Neighbourhood_

_Take Care - Cover by Florence &amp; The Machine_

_Beat to Beat - The Jezabels. _


	20. I am sinking, so I trick myself

20\. I am sinking, so I trick myself.

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_AN: Yes, I'm the asshole who hasn't updated in what seems like forever. And yes it's the stereotypical excuse of life/work bearing down on me. That said I hope you can all forgive me... I'll try my utmost to update on a more regular basis. I have the next 2 or so chapters already written out but wanted to pace it with more regular updates rather than posting everything at once. Ok, so without further ado - enjoy._

* * *

Exactly two months had gone by when Alex found herself once again walking into the foyer of Litchfield General Hospital. Truth be told, she could have gone back much much earlier but a combination of aggressive doubt and her own stern voice telling her she wasn't ready over and over in her head had deferred things until today. The thing was Alex had dreaded returning, loathed the mere thought of going through the mechanics of mundane life again. In between being forced to attend a myriad of back to work meetings - (meetings she had to endure before even stepping into the hospital, meetings that seemed to focus more on the things she _couldn't _do or more accurately wasn't _allowed _to than the all the things she could.) and a month of bullshit talking therapies sponsored by the hospital itself, sessions so condescending and time-wasting, Alex had wondered time and time again whether she would ever even return.

Yet here she was, pushing herself through a sea made up of the sick, her heart hammering in her chest, as she tried o convince herself she was ready to join the ranks of normality again. She wouldn't admit it herself, and most of all wouldn't let herself acknowledge she had been counting the days down, each successive day, an additional knot of anxiety shrinking up her stomach.

She managed to walk past the emergency, past the throng of the wounded and injured, all waiting for medical attention. Right past the man arguing with the admin clerk, the conversation ordinary, until Alex noticed the blood-soaked shirt he was wearing, a cut in the fabric where a knife had obviously pierced through. Something in her chest tightened, and as if on cue, Alex could feel her leg begin to throb, the fiery ache pulsing through previously torn muscle, the pain contained only by the half a dozen tablets she downed that same morning.

Alex looked down, concentrating on reaching refuge. Which was fucking funny really, since it felt like the whole building was going to imminently cave in on her

It was only when she had finally reached the sixth floor - only when she sat down and felt the familiar contours of her office chair - did Alex realise her breaths had been coming in short, desperate puffs. Like her lungs knew something was wrong, but the wrong not quite detailed enough for her mind to latch onto and respond as well.

She waited for Fitzgerald to come and give her the details of her upcoming roster.

All throughout her briefing, a ball of unease weighed down her insides; would she remember how to tie a surgical knot? Would she remember the causes of hyperthyroidism? Would she be able to conduct a ward round without collapsing into a heap as the pain become too great to bear? Would she be able to face her patients, knowing that they knew what had happened to her? Most of all could she face coming home to an empty building, realising Piper had left for her new shiny job up in Washington? Could she really do all of those things?

It was her shoulder this time.

The slow burn made it's familiar path across the front of her chest before gnawing into her back. The pain so visceral, it felt as though it was seeping out of her wound and burning her clothes. Alex automatically reached for her tablets, the movement so inherent it had become a part of her. She dry-swallowed the pills one by one, forcing them past her throat, wishing she could just inject them in and bypass the impatient wait that always followed. When she was done, she leant back in her chair and waited for that blanket of mellow warmth.

.

.

.

She could do this. It was simple enough. Three tiny hours of where she was the doctor in charge. She had done this a thousand times over, so what was so different now?

_Everything._

The first hour or so had gone without a hitch, treating the usual contingent of patients; the injured, the damaged and occasionally, the ones in the midst of a psychotic episode. And after another half hour Alex felt herself relaxing, immediately feeling less on edge and even allowing herself to immerse herself in that familiar adrenaline rush whenever those double doors slammed open, ready to tackle whatever came through. It was going great until suddenly it wasn't and it all came came lashing down.

"Female, 29. Found unconscious," The over-worked nurse reeled off as a patient was wheeled into the ER; the faint quiver in her tone betrayed her pity as she continued, "She was found in an alley between 3rd and 4th street by an early morning jogger. Multiple gunshot injuries sustained. According to the police she got caught up in a gangland crossfire."

The last sentence caused Alex to turn around; she focused in on the young woman lying slack on the gurney; glassy-eyed, torn blue jeans exposing pale skin surrounded by medical paraphernalia.

"Poor girl, was in the wrong place at the wrong time." The nurse continued to herself.

It wasn't the spattering of bright blood staining the woman's white shirt with an alarming intensity that struck Alex, or how painfully young she appeared, but rather, it was the alarmingly familiar appearance of her. The dark hair. The glasses with the broken lenses stained with slashes of red.

Alex dry-swallowed as she took a few steps backward; the glass of strewn syringes crunching beneath her, as she takes a deep, staggering breath.

The ER noises drowned out as she felt her insides painfully clench together whilst fighting the overwhelming urge to be sick. Strangely she felt as though she was stood in the middle of a raging crowd with nowhere to go, the walls feeling as though they were closing in on her, as she shoved her scrunched hands into the pockets of her white coat, trying to fight the the almost second-nature feeling of raw panic. And then she heard it. The distant sound of screams steadily increasing in volume. Agonising screams that spoke of fear and panic, their startling familiarity pounding in her ears like a hammer on steel.

"Alex?"

She tried to snap out of it.

Breathe. In through your nose, out through your mouth. Just like those other times.

"Alex!"

The forceful tug at her shoulders mercifully shattered the sounds.

"Huh?" Alex breathed out the question as she stepped back in a daze, only stopping when she collided with the edge of a nearby drug trolley and nearly losing balance.

"Are you okay?"

She felt her focus returning, realising just how blurred and dreamlike everything had been not a second ago.

"Yes. Why wouldn't I be?"

She was aware of the defensive edge to her tone and it seemed the grey-haired nurse had also caught on since a look of concern briefly flashed across her face, which only served to irritate Alex even further.

"It just seemed you weren't yourself – "

"I'm fine." She cut through just as her eyes caught an attendant cutting the jeans off the unknown woman. Alex blinked; the girl's hair becoming a more lighter brunette, her face void of glasses. It struck in a pitiful thought, it wasn't her own self on that gurney.

Of course not.

There was something so poignant and lonely about the young woman. She was someone's daughter, someone's friend, maybe someone's sister and yet they knew _nothing _of her identity or of her existence. Only what had been _done _to her. Forever labelled the victim. A Jane Doe amongst a thousand Jane Does brought in before her and no doubt wouldn't be the last. Alex wondered if that's what they had thought of her when she was herself was brought to hospital barely conscious. A _victim._

The rooms spins and she fixes her gaze on the monitor, the green slashes of life dancing across the black. Alex was getting that feeling again, like she was losing control, trapped in a merry go round that just wouldn't stop. She could feel herself reaching the brink of where she would jump out.

She forced herself to take in gulps of air as she fought the simmering anger bubbling within her.

"Are you sure you're okay?" That same _insufferable _voice, "We can manage without you if this is too much."

Suddenly annoyed, the nurse was still stood before her, Alex snapped, "I said I was fine, didn't I? I'd appreciate it if you could get out of my way so that I can tend to my patient."

The woman reluctantly stepped aside, but not before levelling a deep, questioning frown at Alex; an expression repeated by the rest of the people in the ER. She caught a brief glance of countless eyeballs suspended mid-air, all of them staring down at her. The room grew uncomfortably quiet - Alex walked towards the gurney, her feet lagging behind the rest of her body, trying - almost desperately - to ignore the way the woman's dark hair fell limply around her or worse, the images conjured up in her mind's eye or the bruises forcing her to fill in the gaps of her imagination. The uncontrollable feelings of nausea increasing with each step, until they crescendoed into a ball of fire when she was stood no more than a few feet away.

The last hour was the longest Alex had ever experienced and it was all she could do to not cry out in sheer relief when she walked out of that hospital, with her mind strangely still intact.

Few more tablets, a reckless drink and she climbed into bed.

Alex heard Piper stir as she carefully threw the cover over herself, praying she hadn't woken her up. She couldn't face a rundown of today's events. Alex had never been one to reflect on things, unlike Piper who had a knack of wanting to go over everything with a fine-toothed comb.

"How was it?" A sleepy voice cut through the darkness.

"Fine."

She could feel Piper's eyes boring into her, patiently waiting for an expansion on her one-word answer, but she could't bring herself to elaborate. She felt the alcohol from earlier swishing in her stomach, she had't eaten anything all day and the effects of it were now catching up with her. Alex silently chided herself for losing track of the amount of drink she had downed when she had staggered into the kitchen a couple of hours ago.

"They didn't give you any trouble?"

Alex pressed her face into the pillow, clenching her teeth together, silently glad for the cover of darkness. She knew it was Piper's roundabout way of trying to get her to open up and it made Alex irrationally angry.

"I don't want to talk about it."

Something hitched in Piper's voice, a worry seeping into her words "Did something happen?"

"No. Nothing happened, I just don't want to talk about it. Not now."

"Okay."

After a few minutes Alex heard Piper whisper, "I love you."

Unnerved by the feather-light softness of her voice, Alex tried to drown out the raging throbbing in her head, nearly failing when she felt the gentlest of kisses placed on the back of her neck.

In that exact moment, Alex wanted more than anything to unburden herself, to share the happenings of the evening, to tell Piper how unequipped she had felt. How unprepared and exposed she had been. How she had nearly been crippled with ravaging pain and gush it out in all its shameful detail. But she couldn't bring herself to do so. And like a drowning woman who chooses the wild waters instead of rescue, she turns her back toward Piper, a wordless indication of her intentions, and instead faced the window, trying not to questions her actions.

.

.

.

The shift had been long and arduous. Piper felt glad to feel the evening wind sweep through her hair, the sun had not yet disappeared over the horizon, meaning a few more hours of daylight were left. The bliss was short-lived when she reached her car, a heavy weight slowly dropping into her stomach. Alex had been uncharacteristically aloof these days, her words had become less and the bottles of alcohol more. Instead of driving home straight away, Piper fished out her phone, and rang Polly. She suddenly craved for some humour, some happiness, something of which she had not seen or heard of in a long time.

A few rings and she could hear Polly's familiar voice resonating through the earpiece.

"Hey Pol, how are you?"

"Oh my god, Piper. I was going to send out a Russia-sized search party for you! Where have you been?"

At that Piper smiled, settling herself into the car-seat, before answering cryptically, "Here and there."

"Well, I'll tell you where I've been: I've become a friendless spinster since you've moved out. I mean the FedEx guy who I have literally seen three times, apparently feels sorry for me and gave me a make-a-friend-online leaflet the other week. This is the state of my social life these days."

Piper couldn't help but laugh, the unfamiliarity of the sound mildly jarring. Piper momentarily forgot where she was, hanging onto Polly's every word with an unnecessary intensity.

"This is the part where you're supposed to gasp in horror at my social decay, and declare that you're bringing your sorry ass back to mine again."

"Sorry. I'm more worried about this FedEx man knowing so much about your non-existent social life. Does he even have ID? Like I heard lots of weirdos wearing uniforms and pretend to be delivery guys so they can prey on women."

_And some of them like to shoot innocent people in busy New York precincts, destroying their well-earned life, reducing it to a shadow of its former self._

Piper could feel herself getting worked up as she thought of Alex alone with her thoughts at home. A sweep of anger rode up her spine as she thought of Frank, angrily hoping he was rotting away somewhere, and left to die in a festering, isolated heap.

"Nah, plus he's super adorable."

Piper rolled her eyes - in Polly's eyes, anyone who was aesthetically pleasing could in no way ever be a serial killer - sometimes Piper wondered how Polly had gotten so far in life.

"How's work?" She asked for nothing better than to change the subject.

Polly let out a deep-seated sigh, "Don't get me started, Piper. Remember Andrea?"

Piper didn't remember, but hummed anyway. She could feel herself drifting away from the mundanity of the conversation, previously she could listen to Polly's woes for hours on end, but now she found herself scarcely able to concentrate, her thoughts frequently interrupted with worries for Alex. She couldn't get through to her and it made Piper feel like a failure. Feeling an even more of a failure when she wasn't even there to stay.

They _had_ gone out for dinners. They _had_ gone to watch dumb, cheesy films. They had put that rainy night behind them, Alex pretending everything was fine, Piper pretending along with her. Like everything appeared fine at face-value, from the outside they looked like any other young, working-professional couple strolling along the streets of Manhattan.

Alex was saying all the right things (most of the time), doing all the right things (to an extent). She laughed at Piper's jokes and she was reading again. Even her old sarcastic charm had leaked through on occasion. But it still felt different, _was_ different. Like there was one bolt missing from the final set. There wasn't a specific instance that Piper could pinpoint, but scratch beneath the surface and really, it wasn't so great after all.

Piper caught snippets of Polly's stream of thought, "So Andrea has taken maternity leave right when we've got a massive, when I say massive; Titanic proportions, of a trial case coming up."

"Hmmm. She can't help have a baby, Pol."

"She can fucking control when she has it!"

"Wow, that's cold." Piper intoned distantly.

"Fuck! Did I just say that? I'm just stressed and that shit isn't helping." Polly paused and softened her voice, "Anyway, enough about me. How are things holding up with you?"

Piper looked out of the windscreen, taking in the rush of traffic, the blur of pedestrians rushing towards whatever destination, "I'm fine."

"Sounds like you're not fine."

Piper could feel the tears stinging the corners of her eyes, she held the phone away from her, not wanting Polly to hear her low sounding sobs. She closed her eyes, wiping her nose with the sleeve of her jacket, "I'm fine, really."

"How's she?"

It was only after a few minutes before Piper felt she could answer the question, "Alex is good. She's got a couple of more sessions of physio and she's been allowed to work under some restrictions."

"How is she taking it?"

Piper hesitates deciding on the depth of truth she wants Polly to know, "Not good."

Piper's mind trails back to finding Alex near catatonic on most days, surrounded by the now familiar sight of bottles of alcohol, drunk out of her mind. Piper told herself everyone had ways of coping and that the habit would disappear over time, but it had only become worse.

"How is she taking your Washington offer?"

Piper near enough sank back into the seat, wishing she could just melt inside it and avoid having to address anything remotely difficult in her life. These days everything felt complicated.

"I've not accepted it yet."

"What? Why not?" Polly exclaimed, as if it was _that _simple. Just a matter of ticking yes and sending it back. Piper had been having serious doubts over what she was going to do. More recently she had grown obsessed with searching the hospital on the Internet, reading the reviews, trawling through all the five-star praises, and try and find the one comment that criticised the place, so she could justify her decision should she not go. But to this day she couldn't find one.

"I don't know, Polly. I guess it's complicated."

"I thought you said it was a pretty rare opportunity? That's it's a one in a million thing?" Polly's words were just causing more anxiety, she could feel another round of tears making their way down as she whispered more to herself than to her friend, "It is."

"Wait." Polly drew a sharp intake, "Is she guilt-tripping you? I know you guys have been through shit and all that, but I've told you, I always knew she wasn't good for you, Pipe."

Piper wishes that had been the case. Alex telling her not to leave, at least then she had reason enough to go. At least then she'd be able to hold the moral high-ground.

Which when thinking about it, was just plain fucking selfish.

* * *

It was dark when Piper closed the door behind and stepped into the living room, she slid her shoes off and threw her bags onto the coat-holders.

Her gaze rested on the sight of Alex slumped across the sofa, the TV remote limply resting in her hand, the remnants of a cop show simmering in the background, her eyes were half-shuttered and mouth slightly agape. Piper shamefully breathed a sigh of relief when she noted the absence of alcohol littering the floor, like it did on most evenings.

She leans over the sofa and gently nudges her out of her slumber, "Alex?"

"Alex shifts her body upwards, the remote slipping out of her hand and clattering to the floor, the sound jolting her completely upright before fixing Piper with a patient gaze, "Hmmm?"

Piper felt her earlier bravado suddenly fizzle out as she recalled the conversation with Polly and Washington. _And Washington. _The words resting on her tongue stubbornly dissolving away before she even had a chance to voice them out loud. She wasn't even entirely sure of what those words exactly were.

"How was your day?"

Alex shrugged her shoulders, her eyes not meeting Piper's as she bend forward and picked the remote up back up, "I've been watching inane crap on TV. I think my already half-working brain has been protesting."

There was a warm lilt to Alex's mouth, almost the beginnings of a good-natured smile and it made Piper's chest lift momentarily. Alex was talking to her, which was more than Piper could wish for given that since she had returned from her ED shift, they had spent exchanging the bare minimum of words, and partaking in awkward dinner-table speak. Piper had tried to bring back up the Washington 'thing', desperate to know where they stood, or more precisely where Alex stood, but had balked every time she had summoned up enough courage to do so. Or stopped herself when they'd been having a particularly good day, not wanting to ruin the atmosphere.

Alex didn't give any indication that the first conversation had ever taken place, acting as if nothing was array when really everything was.

Piper was about to pass a pointless comment about the TV show, when her gaze fell on the stack of spent cigarette stubs spilling over a makeshift ashtray, residual smoke still billowing from it.

She searched Alex's eyes in the soft light, searching for answers without really asking for them.

"Where have you been?" Alex suddenly asked, muting the TV as she emphasised her next words, "Don't you finish early today?"

The earlier worry dissipated as she searched for an acceptable answer, ignoring the guilt skittering down her back. "I spent a couple of hours in the library. We had to read up on a case from couple of days ago."

The lie came easy and fluent.

Piper remembered too late the library closed early on Friday's, something to do with the weekends being less busy compared to the weekdays. She wrung her fingers together into a painful twist, sure that Alex could see right through her. She glanced back, Alex seemed to momentarily frown, her eyes narrowing, before suddenly breaking off into an easy smile, and beckoning her to the empty space next to her, "Come sit."

For a moment Piper thought she might be swept up by a tornado of self-loathing - the sheer force of it so unexpected it nearly took her breath away.

Alex's taking no shit detector always seemed to be in a state of disrepair when it came to involve Piper Chapman.

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* * *

_AN: As always, please let me know what you thought xx _


	21. The weight of the world's getting harder

21\. The weight of the world's getting harder to hold up.

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_AN/ Passages in italics are flashbacks. Enjoy. _

* * *

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Alex was in clinic. One of the few they actually let her conduct without supervision. According to the management; working without maximum supervision was something she should have hailed as a significant achievement. They way they've been praising it so fervently made it seem like she should be shouting it from the rooftops and hang up _fucking_ banners declaring such. The only saving grace gained from this forced fake-fest was that there wasn't some dumb asshole in a suit following her around, watching her every move, her every slip of words. Waiting for her to trip up, just so they could report back to the board with the_ I told you so's_

She turned her attention to the elderly lady sat before her, who was complaining of pain in the chest. Alex struggled to focus. That familiar deep-seated pain again. She clenched her teeth together and stretched her leg beneath the table, massaging her thigh in an attempt to rid the ache.

The pills she had taken that morning clearly weren't working.

Over the past few months she had been taking more and more of them, always swaying dangerously close to overdosing on them. Alex ignored the pointed looks the pharmacist threw her every time she went to collect her pain meds, painfully aware her prescribed issue wasn't due for another few weeks.

They didn't have to know that Alex sometimes took them when she wasn't able to get rid of that black cloud hovering above her head, days where she felt she was swimming in a lake full of treacle. They also didn't need to know that she took them when she had been lain awake for most of the night, the suffocating dread of letting her mind surrender to sleep, too great, because as soon as she closed her eyes, she was at the peril of her subconscious, a place that ran wild with images she had spent most days staving off. Alex's memory did not need to work overtime anymore, the violence of them had by now scratched themselves onto her corneas, appearing every time she shut her eyes.

"...and the pain comes when I'm climbing the stairs, doctor."

She absently nodded, "Uh huh."

"And it's particularly bad when I try to sleep at night. It smothers me."

Alex shifted her weight, tapping her foot under the table, trying to distract herself from focusing on the writhing waves amplifying their way across the entirety of her leg. The pain so searing, it might as well be a branding iron. Alex felt her concentration conceding to the torment, unable to bring even a single thought to completion "Okay... and, and describe the pain? Is it a throbbing pain..or sharp?"

"No, it's like I'm being suffocated."

"Like you can't breathe?' Alex asked.

"Yes! That's exactly how it feels. And when it comes on; I get this horrible heaviness in my legs, like I'm about to collapse and fold in on myself."

Alex found herself feverishly nodding to each description, feeling as though the woman was providing an exact step by step commentary on how her life played out nowadays: pathetically boiled down to just a series of reactions and nervous breakdowns, dampened down by drink most times. Alex wondered if that shared feeling explained away the last couple of months. It would make perfect sense. One had pain due to a lack of oxygen to the heart while the other quite literally suffered from a broken one.

That faltered breath. That painful lurch of the heart. That invisible struggle of trying to staunch the tears were _not _a reaction to reminders constantly shoved unforgivingly in her face.

That restaurant that Alex had driven past couple of days ago? Yes, that was the one _Piper _had told her that funny joke that had her in fits of laughter leaving her insides aching in that pleasant way for the rest of the evening. Alex couldn't even remember the details of the joke just images of that smile afterwards.

That momentary whiff of perfume she caught from the woman who'd been serving her last week? Yes that was the one she had given Piper as a birthday gift eons ago. (Alex didn't even do goddamn birthdays.)

Alex didn't know why she was even thinking like this, it wasn't like Piper had actually left.

_Yet._

It was no wonder why she welcomed her insomnia with open arms. All those sleepless nights spent staring into the darkness were actually a welcome relief. It was the only time that the world was quiet and void of reminders. No one expected anything of her at three in the morning. She could stare at the walls for hours and there would be no consequences.

The woman continued, "And honestly doctor, it feels like the -"

"- whole world is ending." Alex found herself quietly finishing the sentence.

The woman's eyes sprang open in surprise and fixed her stare at Alex as she reached out and touched her hand, "Yes! How did you know?"

Alex gave an ironic smile, releasing a weary sigh, "Your heart isn't getting what it needs." She answered in an empty tone, "That's why you feel all those things."

"Oh."

The woman's hand was still resting on hers. The warmth and profound softness of it reminding Alex of just how long she hadn't held Pipers hand. She suddenly found herself withdrawing her hand from the woman, resting it on her lap under the table.

She just didn't need the sympathy.

.

.

.

"You didn't tell me you've been discharged from the physio." Piper spoke into the darkness.

"I didn't realise it was something that was worthy of a declaration."

Piper frowned at Alex's words, they were terse and business-like. She looked out of the car-window, suddenly tired of their constant back and forth, the weight of another upcoming argument already burdening down on her.

They were driving along a quiet unlit road, having both returned from work, they had barely spoken in the last hour, the strain of the silence growing worse with each passing mile. Stopped at a traffic light, she glanced at Alex, who seemed to be transfixed on the red light before them, as though it held the answer to life itself. It was a torturous half hour later when Piper felt as though she was going to drown in unsaid words, she blurted out, "Alex, we need to talk about_ it._"

Alex turned her head, the question causing her to momentarily take her eyes off the road, "We've been over this."

"That's just it." Piper sighed, "We haven't...Not really."

"We have and I _said_ I'm fine with it."

"Alex just hear me out-"

"Piper, I'm fine with it, so just drop it, okay?"

Alex's voice sounded everything but _fine._

"But-"

"Jesus Christ! Why do you have a tendency to wallow over things all the time? Just drop it."

Piper winced and switched her attention to the changing scenery, the tires making their monotonous hiss over the rain-washed tarmac, as she silently contemplated the wiseness of even bringing up the topic.

* * *

They'd been sat in the Lexus for the last hour, parked in an empty service station. Alex had nearly ran out of her pain meds and had all but insisted she had to get her new supply tonight. Piper ignored the rattle of the pills when they shook inside the bottle, finding herself automatically looking away as Alex swallowed them one by one. A memory flashed through her, tearing Piper suddenly back into the past, rapid bursts of recall that set off like flashes of lightning. _Pills resting on the bedside cabinet. So many and so colourful. Pick them up, make them disappear, let them numb you, let them not make you feel anything anymore. __Let them end you._

Everything was slightly out of focus and had a strange haze around it, the images so bright; Piper felt she was being blinded. She shook her head, as if she could physically shake off the memories, before she refocused.

Alex suddenly broke the wall of silence, the words slicing through the air, "How is your Washington application coming along?"

Piper looked up, her body tensing automatically as she uneasily met Alex's probing gaze. The question, although entirely anticipated, seemed to trigger a feeling of piercing panic, "I haven't accepted it yet."

The thing was the deadline to submit was in a _week _and in between her increasing anxiety over the stance of their relationship and worrying about Alex's increasing reliance on drink she had pushed the matter of Washington into the back of her mind, hoping if she didn't have to think about it, it didn't exactly exist. Piper had gone most of her life thinking in this way.

"What's stopping you?" The question was tinged with challenge, like Alex already knew the answer but had to hear her say it out loud.

Piper looked up, hating the way she felt like she was trapped in Alex's gaze, "Because..." She hesitated, twisting that stupid ring around her finger again, "Because I've-" She stopped, not really sure what she was even saying.

It didn't matter anyway, Alex was already asking the next question, "When is the deadline?"

"Next week."

"_Next week?"_

"Yes."

"Oh."

Alex seems to take that in for a second, her face unreadable. Suddenly Piper can no longer take this, "Alex. I mean I haven't said yes. It's not like anything is set in stone." Her voice softened and after an age, whispered, "I can stay. I can stay if that's what you want."

"Stay?" Alex's voice betrayed hurt incredulity, "What's that supposed to mean? If I _want?" _

Piper pulled back, her shoulders hunching as she felt something erupt within the confines of the car._ She wanted to talk about things. Well, they were fucking talking_.

"What is it, Piper? Do you want me to beg? To get on my hands and knees and beg you not to leave? Because I can." The words hurtled out, ricocheting off the windows, the roof, and of _her. "_Because I can do all of those things"

Suddenly angry, Piper clenched her hands together, why was she _always_ the bad guy in this? " You're being _fucking_ ridiculous."

"You wanted to talk, Piper. I'm talking."

"Not when you're being like this." Frustrated, Piper let out a heavy sigh, as she felt the conversation swerve into a different direction, "When did you turn into this bitter person? Alex, you're always so angry and pissed, and I've been trying not to tread on your toes, I've tried to say the right things, to not say things at all, but there's only so much I can do."

Alex turned quiet, but months of hurt and silence were pulling Piper's words out, an unstoppable rush that was filling the space between them, "You don't tell me anything. You carry on as if everything is perfectly normal but I can't... I can't keep pretending we're great and normal and unchanged. I just can't."

"I don't have to listen to this." Alex was shaking her head, her hands gripping the steering wheel, "I said I'm fine."

"Alex! You're not _fine_."

"Piper..."

"Just admit it! And if you can't figure that out for yourself, then I'll have to...for the both of us." She paused, torn in the delivery of her words, "The drinking, the meds, the breakdowns, that is not someone who's _fine._"

An uncomfortable quiet followed, the words still lingering in the air between them, until Alex spoke, "You just don't get it, do you?"

For the first time, Piper swallowed up her words, "What do you mean?"

"Do I need to spell it out for you, Piper? Do you think that me hating you for leaving is making me feel any better? Because...doesn't that makes _me_...the bad person? Doesn't that make _me_ the selfish asshole hindering your life...and I-" Alex's voice cracks in half and the words fall apart in front of her, "...you, you just don't make it any easier."

Piper stopped talking, lost for words. Dumbfounded, she watched Alex unnecessarily adjust her glasses, looking every inch unnerved.

"You didn't tell me this." She muttered softly.

"And say what?" Alex asked at last, "Don't take on this one in a million opportunity? Don't go to one one of the best hospitals in the goddamn country?" Piper could hear the bitter anger; woven between hurt and self-reproach, "Don't go...because I want you _here_?"

Piper stared at Alex, her body growing unbearably heavy, her voice barely a whisper, "I didn't...I didn't know that's how you felt...I-"

"Well I do, and do you know how unbelievably selfish that sounds?" Alex slammed her fists against the steering wheel, her knuckles tightly wound, the colour dissipated from them. Piper recoiled back, a strange dread bathed in her own version of guilt dousing her all of a sudden, "Alex?"

Alex looked more surprised than Piper did, her hands erratically wound into her hair, "I need some air."

But before Piper could muster a word, Alex was already out of the car, slamming the car door shut behind her, like she couldn't get out there fast enough, like she couldn't bear the thought of being within a few inches of Piper anymore - her sheer presence and pathetic stream of dialogue, ammunition enough. She remained rooted to her seat, torn between giving over to her first instinct of going after Alex and staying where she was, and allow the distance between them.

Alex's form was barely visible through the darkness, stood beside some poplar trees, her silhouette cast against the weak sliver of moonlight, bent at the knees. Piper mournfully watched after her, the glow caused everything to be flooded in a weird two-dimensional hue making Alex appear smaller than what she actually was. She glanced out of the window; the darkness had a sort of wavy underwater quality to it, that's until she realised it was her tears obscuring half her fucking vision, she wiped them off with the sleeves of her coat, emptily feeling as though she was participating in the ending of something.

* * *

When they eventually got home, Alex retreated to the kitchen island, her hands shaking with an almost delirious want, feeling as though she was treading somewhere between alarm and disbelief. She rummaged in the cabinets, slinging cleaning products and other clutter out when she finally found what she was looking for. She collapsed back onto the chair with something not far off euphoric relief and wasted no time sloshing dark red drink into a hastily found glass.

Alex threw back a gulp. She replayed the conversation again, like she had been doing the entire journey back, each time silently scolding herself for being so fucking needy and desperate and all round pathetic. Suddenly it felt she was trapped on the deck of a ship about to capsize, except the dark waves roiling beneath her didn't seem that dangerous when Alex realised that the whole thing was ablaze. She took another gulp, this time doing away with the glass and drinking straight from the bottle, distantly contemplating whether she should carry on until she blacked out.

She wondered if that was how resentment snowballed itself, not with the obvious slanging matches, the accusations, but with its small seeds planted in her head one by one, so that before she knew what was happening, her brain was tangled with its poisonous weeds.

* * *

Piper sat unmoving in the silent, leather interior of the Lexus. She had muttered something about needing some time alone when Alex had wordlessly waited for her to get out. She lost track of how long she had been in the car, not really caring either way. She hated crying, always hated the betrayal of tears revealing her emotions. Years of living under the roof of Bill and Carol Chapman had given Piper plenty of opportunity in finessing the art of swallowing them up, always assuming a picture of indifference , while the quiet burn of unshed tears threatened to implode inside of her. But now... no matter how much Piper drew to all of her different skills, she could still feel them tracing down her face, two parallel trails marking her failures.

She had tried. She really really _really_ did.

Piper dimly realised Alex may not ever be the same. Maybe it wasn't some temporary transition they were going through, always waiting for that light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe this was it. The endpoint. Maybe Piper was just trying to chase an older version of Alex, pointlessly trawling after a former person who was now all but a shadow.

.

.

.

_Piper stirred, not entirely sure who or what had awoken her. Her question was soon answered when the weight of the bed shifted and felt Alex carefully crawl in beside her. Without turning around, she lazily murmured, "How was the shift?" _

_"Busy...and long." Alex punctuated it with a delicate kiss on her neck, "Also, no matter how quietly I come in, why are you always wide awake?" She muttered teasingly. Piper could feel Alex sidle up against her back, closing the small gap between them, her arms wrapping around her waist. Piper found their hands in the darkness and clasped them together, fingers intertwined like they always did. _

_"I don't know." She eventually answered, " I guess my body just senses you and then wakes me up to let me know you're here."_

_Piper hears her softly laugh, the tiredness and weariness evident in her voice, "Hmmm, I like that answer."_

_Alex's face was nestled in the crook of her nape, the skin coming alight every time chaste kisses were placed over it, Piper's eyes were half-shut as she savoured the warmth of them. They stayed silent for a while, Piper listening to Alex's rhythmic breathing flush against her skin, the sound of it strangely soothing._

_"You know there was a case of a young guy come in with gunshots to the chest...and boy did he look a mess. I don't think anyone thought he'd survive, me included...but he did." Alex sighed wistfully, "Took the best part of the evening to make that possible though." _

_"Lucky guy to have you on shift this evening." _

_Alex chuckled, her thumbs softly tracing random patterns over the valley of Piper's spine, "Correction: me and the other dozen people who were also there."_

_"I've seen you in action, don't downplay your skills."_

_"I'm not downplaying anything, I couldn't have done it-"_

_"You're doing it again." Piper laughed, "Admit it...you're the best hotshot doc in all of Litchfield."_

_Alex hums, "All this flattery. You sure it's not about making me give you special privileges during my rounds...you know I can't, Pipes."_

_"Really? Not even a tiny bit? Like giving me some of the answers to those totally unnecessary tests you always make us do at the end of each week?"_

_"It's called tough love." Piper could feel Alex smile against her neck, "You know, it's pretty hard for me too, not being able to give you special treatment. Wouldn't look good."_

_"Okay, guess that means I'll have stop making those awesome Spanish omelettes you rave over so much."_

_Alex releases a chuckle, "Your blackmailing skills know no bounds. It's a good job I never write these test answers down, you know take away the temptations so to speak. Unless you've already gone through my files?"_

_"Hey!" That earns Alex a good-natured slap across the arm. They lapse into another quiet silence, the tendrils of sleep tugging Piper back into a fitful sleep, she had a late-ish start tomorrow, which left plenty of room for lazy breakfast with Alex who had the whole day off. They always had the habit of staving off sleep, trying to stretch out the hours before them, even if that meant their talking carried them well into the early hours of the morning. The thing was, they barely saw each other most days, working opposite shifts, and so the little time they had together, (which happened to be at night) they made the most out of it._

_"Turn around." Alex's sleep-fuzzed voice drifted slowly into Piper's ear, feeling the warmth of her breath more than hearing it. She turned around, facing her in the dark, only really able to make out her eyes, the shining sparkle of them a sort of guiding beacon, "Hmmm?"_

_"You know tonight, after seeing the parents of that boy...the way their eyes kept begging me to save him, the way they were physically on their knees when they thought he wasn't going to make it," Alex was thumbing Piper's hair in soft, tender strokes, her voice tinged with a faraway sadness. Piper could imagine her silently reconstructing the evening in her head as she spoke, "...It just made me think how fucking fragile we really are" She stopped and sighed, "If you ignore the the cheesy soppiness, I guess it just made me more appreciative of all the good things in life."_

_"Not soppy at all." She answered softly, touched by the outward honesty. Alex wasn't really one to indulge in what she always called 'soft' pillow talk. _

_"I honestly don't even know what I'm talking about. What is it about the darkness that makes people go all deep and philosophical?"_

_"I don't know." Piper traced the outline of her cheekbones, when a thought suddenly entered her head, seemingly at random, "Alex, promise me you won't change?"_

_"Huh?"_

_"I like you how you are, promise me you won't change?"_

_"Who's being all philosophical now?"_

_"Just answer the question."_

_"I won't change. I'll also try not to get older, but that promise may prove difficult to keep."_

_"Al?"_

_"Yeah?"_

_Piper craned her neck forwards and kissed her gently, her hands gently cupping the side of her face, their lips barely brushing over each other's._

_Alex tasted like peppermint. She tasted like wine drank on a warm summer evening. She tasted like hot chocolate drank on a cold winter afternoon. _

_When they parted , Alex whispered, "What was that for?" Her mouth curved into a sweet, unassuming smile. Piper felt something stir in her chest, a sort of warmth that swept right through her, and coated her insides. Was it even possible to see love drifting right out of someone, the amount of it so much, it was pouring out of them? Its iridescent glow that covered Alex, not visible to anyone but Piper?_

_Eventually she answered, "To remind you of all the good things in life."_

_"You're ridiculous." Alex sleepily murmured in between tender kisses. _

.

.

.

Was it the subtle way in which people at work treated her like a fuse that was about to blow? The way, even the patients, looked at her - their slightly prolonged and searching stares boring into her – as if somehow detecting something was not entirely right with her. She would find herself self-consciously looking away each time a look lingered for a second too long or a furtive sideways glance, thrown in her direction.

And when she got home, Alex would find herself gazing at the mirror, trying to find that _something_ everyone else seemed to see. That despite her careful, almost calculated attempt at appearing normal, and not at all tainted – people could still _sense _something was foreign and off-kilter about her. They could _still _see through the ever-widening cracks of her meticulously constructed façade.

Maybe she still had _her _blood sticking to her like hot wax. Maybe there were still traces of _him _staining her white coat. Maybe there were still tears running down her face (even though she couldn't feel them.) Maybe, she still had blood dripping down her neck, soaking her collar crimson and flashing warningly like a neon sign for anyone who came within a few feet of her.

_Maybe._

So she would catch herself staring and staring – because _surely _she had thrown away that shirt she had been wearing that night and surely a million showers had washed away all that blood by now. It was all irrational thinking that defied logic but Alex couldn't find it in herself to shake off that horribly uncertainty.

And like all those other occasions; her vision would eventually blur, her eyes would ache from having grown tired and like always, her reflection would eventually dissolve into a featureless blend of white – void of anything.

She was stood in familiar territory, yet it felt entirely unfamiliar. The OR scrub-room looked exactly same, the same metal basin, that same sign flashing red to indicate a surgery was about to commence.

She had every right to be stood here.

Alex pulled on her blue surgical cap, the familiarity of the action strangely comforting. She slid her arms into the sleeves of the gown and tied the two strings together. With each piece of uniform, came another layer of authority, of respect and it made her more confident. More in control.

About an hour into the surgery, she felt her confidence slowly coming back in small seeps. Trickle by trickle.

"I'm now slicing through the…"

The statement was left hanging midway. Five pairs of expectant eyes were focused on her.

Alex shook her head in an attempt to clear her head, her scalpel-holding hand hovering over the patient. Her mind felt totally empty, that familiar blackness again. Clearing her throat, she repeated, "I'm cutting through the …"

_What was that muscle called again?_

Alex closed her eyes, trying to force her focus onto the word. On _something._ Anything. But nothing came – only an abyss – vast holes between tiny islands of memory.

"It's the...the-"

"You're cutting through the teres major muscle."

Alex opened her eyes, blankly staring at the intern standing opposite her who had just spoken. He was sporting a probing and quizzical look. She couldn't miss the sideways glance he threw at the assistant stood beside her, a look full of amusement and question.

Alex tightened her grip on the scalpel, clearing her throat as she tried to speak past the lump that had began forming in her throat, "Yes, yes, you're correct."

Alex thought back to that moment she had been told she was able to get back to partial duty – the immense joy, the _relief. _It had been more than just being told she was fit to go back – it had been the push she needed to convince herself she was still _her. _The defining thing she had been waiting for.

Alex had convinced herself the situation in the ER was a one-off, that it must have just been a blip in her recovery, mere beginner's jitters if you will.

How rash of her to think those things. How pathetic must she have appeared? Gushing with all the bland naivety of a wide-eyed schoolgirl. Really, all she had been doing was celebrating failure, her limitations…ad nauseam. Alex realised she may not ever be ready. She was trying to chase the older version of herself. How could she, when that person was all but a shadow? A sickening feeling coursed through her when she suddenly remembered her overt enthusiasm that day. She wondered whether Piper had been quietly allowing her to bask in that false happiness, too frightened to burst the bubble. Their conversation came flying back to her, the truth of Piper's words piercing her eardrums, demanding their access.

Overwhelmed she muttered, "I need to go."

The floor suddenly felt unstable, Alex struggled out of the gown not caring whether or not she had broken sterility. The stupid thing catches in her arms and Alex near enough wrestles to untangle herself. She eventually manages to throw it off in a sudden burst of anger.

"You can't just leave!" Someone shouts but Alex doesn't turn around, "The patient's chest is practically gaping open!"

"Where are you going?!"

"Are you alright?"

Words are flying around the room and it feels as though she was trapped in a cage made up of questions and demands, demands she really couldn't meet and questions she couldn't answer, "I don't think I'm the right person for this job."

Alex comes out of the doors, head spinning, feeling as though she's ran a marathon in forty degree heat. She barely manages to see in front of her, the tears obscuring her vision, causing everything to appear as if she was wading underwater.

That night – as Alex gratefully left the hospital grounds – a sudden wave of sickness came over that was so forceful she felt like she was drowning from the inside. The sensation of being on a roller coaster enveloped her and her stomach reacted accordingly. Her hand flew to her mouth, fighting against the urge to be sick. She turned towards a cluster of trashcans just as she finally lost the battle.

.

.

.

"Your girlfriend's not doing very well." Nicky said between bites of her sandwich.

They were sat in the canteen, grabbing a quick lunch before the afternoon rounds began in an hour or so.

Piper stops eating, her spoon suspended mid-air, "What do you mean?"

She felt her stomach twist a knot in itself, she wasn't even sure if the title 'girlfriend' was even accurate anymore. She hadn't seen Alex for three days straight, the little she _had _seen her was split-second glimpses in hospital corridors or the library sometimes. Piper had better luck finding her in hospital than she was at their apartment.

"Have you not heard?"

Something in the way Nicky asks her, like how the fuck does Piper not know what Alex's state of affairs were these days, sets her teeth on edge

Nicky threw an incredulous look at her, her head shaking from side to side, as she leant back in her chair, obviously basking in Piper's lack of knowledge on the matter. Annoyance creeped up Piper's back as she felt the hairs at the back of her neck stand on end, "Heard what?'

Nicky leaned forwards, like she about to divulge highly classified information, "She walked out of surgery this morning," She threw a cursory glance around them as she whispered, "Before I continue, this is not fully verified information...but the poor guy was knocked out on the table... had his chest just cut open, and she walked right out of the OR. Right out."

"Where is she?" Piper dropped her spoon onto the table, her mind running into overdrive, "Nichols, _where_ is she?"

Nicky continued talking as though Piper hadn't spoken, "Apparently she forgot some basic anatomy shit and some intern stood her up by giving the answer instead." She sighed and mused, "I'd forget shit as well if I was constantly doped up up to my eyeballs with narcotics."

"What did you say?" Piper felt a hot anger rise in her chest, the growing panic temporarily arrested as the need to slap the words out of Nichols' mouth grew almost unbearable even if was she said was the truth. The whole truth and nothing _but _the truth.

"I meant she's jacked up on meds all the time, that shit is bound to affect some parts of the brain. How do you guys even communicate?"

The words hissed right out of her, "She was in a fucking coma for well over two months." Piper's voice was as sharp as an icicle, "Have you heard of amnesia?" She didn't wait for an answer, "You'd have known if you are an actual proper doctor, instead of the deadbeat, joint-smoking asshole that you are."

"Hey! Come on Chapman." Nicky countered, shocked at the slew of words thrown her way, "That's out of order!"

Piper harshly pushed her chair back, nearly knocking over the plate of food resting on the table, the anger bursting like a grenade, "Get the fuck away from me, Nichols."

Realising she overstepped the mark, Nicky explained, "I mean I feel bad for her. She _has_ made my life hell, but nobody deserves what happened to her."

More angry words were already forming at her lips as Piper spun toward the door, the fury fizzling away as Nicky's words caught up with her when she was halfway up the flight of stairs. Piper slowed her step, suddenly feeling the weight of the recent months weighing her down, making it physically impossible to even climb the stairs. She ignored that partially it was guilt propelling her forward rather than just pure anger directed at Nichols' insensitivity.

Alex had all but insisted she was ready a thousand times over. Piper didn't have it in her heart to tell her otherwise, not wanting to feel as though she was being that one teacher who stopped you from having fun. Besides, the board seemed happy that Alex was fit for everyday practice. So why did Piper not feel happy then?

.

.

.

Piper was on her way to the library, blindly strolling through the corridors, Nichols' words echoing in her head, when she inadvertently bumped into Tom Feldman; Alex's cardiology colleague. The last time they had crossed paths was when he walked in on her and Alex kissing each other senselessly. _God_ those days felt like they happened in a bygone era, she felt so far removed from that giddy, floating on love sort of feelings she had that time. She wondered whether she would ever experience that again?

Piper focused on the paintings hanging along the corridor, unable to meet his eyes, hoping she didn't have to participate in forced small talk, and he'd carry on walking.

"Have you seen Dr Vause?"

The question put her instantly on edge, "No why?"

She realised too late, her own question came across much too abrupt, shaking her head she quickly reworded it, "I mean I've not seen her since this morning."

"Do you know what happened this morning?"

"No." The lie rolled off easily. Scrambling for a reasonable question for none other than for the sake of it, she asked, "Maybe she's held up in a clinic?"

"She's not scheduled to run clinics today."

"Or maybe she's doing rounds?"

"It's OR day today." He threw her a questioning look, a look laden with _how do you know not that? _"But I'm sure you knew that. You sure you don't know what happened? Don't you guys talk?"

"We do. I've not had a chance to catch up." She laughed breathily, unease making it sound more like a insincere chuckle. Piper instantly felt a blush of embarrassment heat up her cheeks, quickly chased by a feeling of desolation. Her and Alex didn't do much talking these days. Piper would conclude it a 'good day' if they managed to hold a conversation without it devolving into tears or accusations. Alex's sentences these days had been reduced to nothing but fragmented collections of syllables.

He was staring straight at Piper, his eyes not leaving hers - like she knew where Alex was but was purposely withholding her location. She could feel the undercurrent of quiet accusation radiating off him. Stumbling over her words, she muttered apologetically, "I'm sorry, I don't know then."

"Anyway..." He frowned, "That's strange. She's not off-sick because she's logged into the computer system. I knocked on her office door a few times but no answer. I've paged her a couple of times as well."

He stopped talking, as if waiting for her to say something. Studying her as if she was going to break under the pressure and somehow reveal where Alex was this whole time. Piper remained silent.

"Okay. Well if you see her, tell her I'm looking for her."

"I will do."

With no goodbyes or any indication the conversation had ended, he turned on his heel and walked away.

Piper's stomach was filling itself with an inexplicable tide of dread.

She_ needed_ to find Alex.

* * *

She reached the hospital library.

She slid down and sat between the History of Medicine and Alternative Therapies bookshelves. No-one ever went there.

She texted. Called. Left voicemails. Paged her (twice)

No answer.

Piper had even gone down to the basement parking lot to check if her car was still there and sure enough Alex's black Lexus was still parked up.

That quiet dread again. Piper could feel it gnawing away at her insides. The strange thing was she had no _actual_ concrete reason that would justify her worry, but Alex as withdrawn as she has been recently would_ never_ just ignore her messages and page requests, and would never outright not answer her calls. She valued her job too much, valued the little sense of normality it brought. It was just so _unlike_ her.

She stared at the bookshelves and racked her brains, losing hope by the minute.

Suddenly she jumped up - there was one last place she hadn't checked.

* * *

She knocked on Alex's office door. That dread had by now swelled into a fully-fledged panic. Resigned, she tried the handle, and to her surprise the door swung open, unlocked.

.

.

.

_AN: Okay, this chapter was getting way out of control, although I wrote most of it a while back, I've re-edited it and added more scenes. I'm afraid I had to cut it short at this point otherwise it would never end. Thanks for reading and like always lemme know your thoughts x_


	22. Welcome to the inner workings of my mind

22\. Welcome to the inner workings of my mind. Do you like it?

* * *

_AN/ Flashbacks in italics_

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.

.

Alex's office was dark and quiet and the blinds were closed.

Piper was about to turn around and walk back out, when her eyes adjusted to the darkness and caught the slumped form occupying the desk.

"Alex?"

She felt all the saliva in her mouth dry up, her mind feeling as though it had malfunctioned.

Alex was slouched over her desk, her normally pristine white coat creased and rumpled, her stethoscope strewn across the sofa beside her, neglected. The sight was so discordant to the carefully ordered room she normally kept.

Piper was so focussed on her own turmoil she failed to register Alex's form was _not. even. moving._

_She could just be asleep._

_She could have just put her head down._

_She could have-_

Her heart felt like it was free-falling through her body; the panic closely chasing after and filling the trail of destruction. She was suddenly catapulted back to _that _night. And Piper recalled not in images but in sensations: the feel of Alex's slack body in her arms, the warmth of blood against her own icy hands, the fear that had consumed every cell in her body, swelling them with dread, the feel when Alex had muttered those words followed by that unyielding small smile. That _smile._

Something had shattered inside of her. Something _always_ did in those memories.

Her thought processes had stopped altogether for what must have seemed like an eternity, but in reality was only a couple of seconds, then her mind began to race, tripping over itself, caught on the sharp edges of disbelief. The person staggering forwards now did not feel like herself, disoriented in the then and now, the images forming alarming parallels, she reached for the desk.

Piper shook Alex, her heart roaring in her head, aware of an overwhelming sense of panic starting to drown her, that familiar racing of the heart, the legs turning to lead feeling, slowly making its way through her. With frantic fingers, she shook her again.

"Piper?" Alex questions softly as she lifts her head as soon as their eyes meet, 'What are you doing here?"

A whimper of blind relief is all Piper can manage to articulate. She gives herself a moment to recover, "Alex, are you okay? Are you alright?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

For a whole minute Piper doesn't answer, not knowing how to even address that question. Her eyes suddenly fall on the near empty wine bottles and overturned glasses resting on the desk. Her mind replayed Alex's words; they were slow and distorted _and_ drunk sounding.

It was then that she noticed the tinge of red in the whites of Alex's eyes, that familiar flushed and blotchy skin - waxy under the gloomy lighting. The off-focus and glassy appearance of her gaze. Before she could comprehend the situation, Alex reached for a bottle and without asking unscrewed the cap and poured Piper a drink. The wine sloshed wildly in the glass, spilling messily over the sides, her hands barely even steady.

Alarmed, Piper gasps, "What are you doing?"

She doesn't wait for an answer but a blind instinct causes Piper to jolt forwards. Functioning on pure auto-pilot, she swipes the alcohol off the desk, frantically looking around for a suitable hiding place. The thought of anyone walking in on this scene was enough to cause her to dump all of it into the nearest filing cabinet before she slammed the piece shut, not caring about the files and paperwork she may have potentially ruined.

"What the hell are you _doing _?" Alex scrapes out, her voice all slurred and mangled, the easygoingness detected earlier, lost, "What gives you the _fucking_ right?"

"Alex..." Piper fixes her with a disbelieving gaze, as if that alone would snap her out of her alcohol-laden stupor.

"What?" The question is delivered with a harshness that surprises her. "For once in your life, just _say..._what you want to say, Piper."

A piece of Piper feels like its been ripped out in direct response to how unfamiliar and strange this version of Alex is. This _angry, bitter, broken _person.

"I can't believe..." Piper is too beside herself to even formulate a coherent thought, "For the past hour I have been worried sick that something had happened to you! When they said you weren't answering your pager. Or... or your landline. Or even your cell, I-" Once she started she couldn't stop, "The least you could have done is told me, and-"

Alex cut her off, "God, you're so melodramatic. Why would you be worried? What could happen in this godforsaken hospital that would warrant a fucking search party to be sent out? I don't need a baby-sitter keeping watch over me all day, every day. In case you haven't noticed, _Piper,_ I'm your senior, something you have failed to grasp since day one."

_It's the drink talking, not her. It's the drink talking, not her. It's the drink-_

But the words were like thorns stabbing at her. Piercing and breaching her skin, their poison travelling into her heart and blackening it with hurt.

"And since when do I report to you?" Alex looked up, her face a picture of undisguised _hatred_, "I just wanted to have some time to myself, is that so much to ask?"

"Not when people are looking for you!" Piper's throat was so scratchy with pent up frustration and a new emotion: _anger. _She could barely catch her breath, "Not when you've just been allowed to see patients by yourself again."

"You're using that against me now?"

"No...I mean they've just let you see patients and I don't want you ruining that for yourself, Alex." Piper paused, the fight suddenly leaving her," Believe it or not, I do actually care about you."

Alex sighs derisively, "Massive fucking congratulations to me."

A prickling went up Piper's spine, a spark of warning that she could not suppress; a cold confusion needling at Alex's words "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Wake up. It's not all fairies and unicorns." Alex's eyes flash with annoyance, like that look a teacher gives a student whose just not understanding the theory behind a particular problem. "They forgot to mention I'd be treated as an office lackey, running admin errands beside the intern who started two weeks ago, fresh out of college."

"Alex-"

"The stares. Don't think I haven't noticed the _stares. _Those judgy looks my so called _friendly_ colleagues throw when they think I'm not looking. Like how the _fuck _is she allowed on the wards? How the _fuck _is someone who can't even remember her own goddamn name sometimes, be allowed loose on patients?" She paused, her head shaking with self-disgust, "So I'm sorry if I'm not shouting my so called _success_ from the rooftops."

Her words are steeped with pain and bitterness, so heavy that they fall like stones on Piper's resolve. She hadn't realised things were that far gone. Ashamed, Piper lurched forward and in an almost childish desperation - rounds the desk and grabs Alex by both shoulders and shakes her, "Alex, what if someone other than _me_ had walked in just now, huh? What if you decided to do rounds in this...this state? What if-"

"Piper, get the hell off me." Alex harshly shrugs her off, barely able to muster the strength to even raise her hands let alone push Piper away. "What the hell has got into you?"

What the hell has got into _her?_

Piper clamped her hands together. She shut her eyes for several seconds, not to help her think about the answer to the question, but to try and quell the growing sense of panic threatening to burst out of her.

Suddenly remembering that the door was still unlocked, she quickly retraced her steps and turns the key, locking the room. She swivels around, fuelled by a guilt-ridden anger that was begging to be released, "What has got into _me? _You're drunk _again. _You're supposed to be downstairs operating instead you're _here_ ruining everything good in your life. I get that you're in this awful place but you can't keep going like this." She paused, the weight of her words suddenly falling on her, before whispering, "Alex...do you even care anymore?"

'Oh, get off your fucking high horse. Since when did you give an ounce of shit?"

'This isn't about me. This is about you, Alex."

"This has never been about you."

"Don't you think this is affecting me too? Don't you think I'm barely holding it together myself?" Her breathing grew erratic, the sound of pain catching in her throat, "I just want the _old _you back."

"Good luck with that."

"The least we can do is try." Piper tilts Alex's face toward her, "Is that too much to ask?"

Alex doesn't answer and gives her a hard look instead.

A heavy exhaustion settles over Piper, the frustration leaking into her next words, "I'm trying, I'm really trying, Alex." How many times had she uttered those words to herself, in the hope that something good would come out of it? So far it hadn't worked.

"Trying?" Alex scoffs softly, fixing Piper with an accusatory stare, "You're the one lined up with a shiny new job on the other side of the country. You're the one who doesn't have to live this fucking hollow of a life every shitty day" Alex's hands are shaking, her gaze directs to the nearby filing cabinet, her eyes flickering with undue need, "My head feels like it's going to fucking explode half the time from all the shit swirling inside it and the only thing even close to numbing it is drink." She lets out a humourless laugh, "How embarrassingly banal, don't you think?"

Piper leans forward. Holding Alex's hand was like grabbing hold of a live wire, the hands shaking, the force of the tremor so strong she could feel it transferring over to her. Piper wraps her hand around Alex's shoulders, not even knowing how to properly comfort her.

Minutes of silence passed. Maybe hours or days even. Piper didn't know; she was inept at keeping track of time, figuring out if she was indeed in the present or somehow had been thrown back to that evening she had found Alex slumped over the kitchen table - surrounded by hard liquor. Piper tried to stop the accompanying memories of that evening come rushing back: Alex barely conscious, incapacitated by drink. Alex with bloodshot eyes bitterly telling her to get the hell away from her. Alex _crying. _Piper feeling helpless, powerless like a little girl whose only wish had been for the collapsed house of cards that had been Alex to be whole and right again.

And now, laden with despair, she feels like that feeble little girl again - the heavy weight of it making her feel downright useless, "Christ, Alex. What the hell is happening?"

She didn't intend on seeking out an answer, a mere rhetorical question asked in a state of despondency.

Something in Alex gives in, her face torqued into something that spoke of regret and defeat, "I don't know. I mean I don't know, Piper. _Fuck. _Everything just feels so bad and...and I can't seem to get out of this hole. I just-"

"Hey, hey."

She was shaking with the struggle not to cry, hugging herself, her hands balled into fists as she fought for control. Piper closed the gap between them, quietly deliberating how Alex would react if she properly _touched_ her. Would she shrug her off? Would the still lingering aversion to her (at least that's what she thought) cause Alex to wall her off completely? Piper watched helplessly as she receded into herself and for an awful minute, thought Alex might collapse before her eyes.

That's it. Piper couldn't take it anymore, tentatively and oh so gently she touched her cheek... Alex didn't flinch or back away. She took this an invitation to come closer, she approached her from behind, slowly wrapping her hands around her shoulders, hooking her chin over Alex's shoulders, "Shhh, it's okay."

"Don't." Her voice barely whole, like it was made up of those soap bubbles Piper used to blow out during her childhood summers.

That's all it took for Piper to walk through the invisible wall that was holding her back, her own selfish need to also be comforted breaking through. She pressed her lips to skin, sweeping whispers of reassurance over Alex's neck, "It's okay. Honestly. It's okay."

Alex went still in her arms, her body suddenly tensing, "Really..._don't_." With that she pulled away, the barely kept together tone of her words at odds with their content, and it was all Piper could do not to seek contact again, to jump over this...this ever-widening chasm that was separating them.

"Alex? What is it?"

Alex's face seems like its crumpling on itself, her hand ploughing through her hair as she turns around facing Piper, her next words, earnest yet desperate, "I love you. You know that right?" Alex begins to stroke Piper's hair, her cheeks, her neck; her touch soft and urgent, "Like really love you. You _have_ to know that."

Pricks of heat against Piper's skin worsen. It was as if she was being pelted with tiny shards of glass, her mind not able to escape hearing the anguish and torment in Alex's tone. It was hard not to notice the hot flushed skin, the sweaty sheen to it, the wildness in the eyes. The dishevelled hair. Alex looked well and truly lost.

"Of course. Of course I know." Her own voice sounded so hollow.

Alex gave her a sloppy smile, so obviously appeased. "I knew you'd understand. You're too good for me, Pipe."

Piper felt like crying. Why did she feel like such a fraud?

Pulling herself together, she harshly wiped the prickling in her eyes away, "Promise me the drinking stops." She spoke carefully, aware that Alex would most likely not remember any of this by morning. But she had to extract some sort of promise, _some_ kind of reassurance from her, because in this moment she _needed_ that promise. Even if it was a promise made at the height of an addled mind. "_Promise_ me that you'll bring no more drink into the hospital." She was conscious she was practically begging, Piper forced her tone to remain even. "Just promise me, _please."_

Alex laughs this small innocent laugh and for a second - just a tiny fragmented second - that familiar and recognisable Alex glimpses through. Piper saw all the warmth and affection right there in her face, before the loss had sucked all that away. Before all the disappointments had permanently etched their marks on her, "Of course, Pipes. Anything for you." Alex's breathing grew more agitated, as if she had to voice that sentiment precisely in that moment, "Absolutely anything for you."

Alex clumsily circled her hands around her, bringing her in for a hug, their bodies awkwardly bumping against each other. Slightly surprised, Piper allows herself to relax into her embrace and closed her eyes, doing her utmost best in trying to ignore the hot, laboured, alcohol-tinged breaths sweeping over her neck.

"Don't leave, Pipes."

It was the thinnest thread of sound uttered but the effect of the words felt as though a knife had been painfully pierced into her back.

"I know I've been an asshole." Alex continues heedlessly - her words fraught and wet - propelled by that candid honesty alcohol brought out in people, "I _know_ I haven't been exactly great. I promise I'll be better, but... please just don't leave." Alex moved back, and with the gentlest of motions, brushed her fingers across Piper's cheekbones, tracing tender circles over their outline, "You are the only one who made sense of me."

Piper remained ramrod straight.

_She'll have forgotten by tomorrow._

Before the words structured themselves in her head, she felt them escaping out her mouth, one by one, "I'm not leaving." Something died inside Piper. "I'm _not_ leaving."

That knife.

That knife twisted itself further in, the pain of it gaining momentum, just as she felt Alex's lips brush graze over hers in silent gratitude.

Piper clamped her fists together so hard, her nails were piercing into her skin.

She was always never good at telling the truth.

.

.

.

_The lazy warmth of the sand beneath her feet made up for the very telling possibility of getting sunburnt. The rays from the Caribbean beamed down on Alex just as she closed her eyes and slowly breathed out a blissful sigh while savouring the pleasant smells of beach and sea. Together with the cerulean sky and azure sea, it was a picture of unencumbered bliss. The feeling was short-lived when she was nearly knocked off her beach-chair by an over-enthusiastic shake of the shoulders. Alex opened her mouth in protest, ready to reel off a stream of expletives, but only stopped when the face of a smiling Piper Chapman came into view._

_"Pipes! Are you actually nuts?" Her heart still racing as she picked up the book that had fallen off her lap._

_"What?"_

_"You nearly gave me a heart attack." Alex retorted._

_"Don't be so melodramatic, Al." She humorously scoffed whilst lazily sipping on her drink. "Besides you looked so goddamn cute when I scared you."_

_"I was not scared. I was merely reacting to very,very dangerous stimuli."_

_"Oh really?" Piper laughed as she propped herself onto Alex's lap and slung her arms across her shoulders, "I guess that means I'll have to cancel the horror-themed fancy dress party I had planned - I don't want you to get a heart attack from the super scary ghost outfit I made."_

_Alex good-naturedly nudged her in the ribs and sighed for dramatic effect, "I don't know what I do without that fucking bad humour of yours." She winked suggestively, "And you know how I'm a total sucker for that."_

_"I don't know whether to take that as a compliment or not, but either way I aim to please."_

_"I know a few ways that would help fulfil your aims" Alex cocked her head while rubbing the small of Piper's back. "You know how I'm always happy to help." _

_Piper rolled her eyes, "I love it when you talk dirty."_

_"Okay let's see." Alex chuckled softly, before mock-pausing, "Dirt, garbage, crap and mould. Is that dirty enough for you?"_

_"Hmmmm, pretty dirty." She chuckled in assent._

_Alex pulled Piper down to her and rained light kisses against the side of her neck, knowing full well it was Piper's most sensitive area _

_"Alex..." She murmured lazily as she tilted her neck back, her eyes shut as she savoured the feel of Alex's practiced lips._

_"What?" Alex innocently asked._

_"We can't...not here."_

_"I've got plenty more of where that came from" Alex grinned haughtily as she cheekily squeezed her butt._

_Mortified, Piper giggled and self-consciously glanced around the beach, before whispering in hushed tones, "There's people here, you know!"_

_"Always wanted that scratched off my imaginary bucket-list: public beach makeout, whaddya think?"_

_"Well, you can wait a bit longer for that be crossed off." Piper jumped off as she placed a conciliatory kiss on her forehead instead, "Sorry, my social anxiety wins over."_

_"And I thought you loved me."_

_Piper pulled an adorable face and it was hard not to kiss her again. _

_ Alex watched her stroll toward the shore, watching her as she rolled up her jeans up and tentatively tested the waters. Piper turned around beckoning Alex to join her, her smile rivalling that of the sun. Alex squinted against the rays and it was then she idly thought that if she caught the sun with her bare hands and gave it to Piper, together with all its shine, it still wouldn't compare to the immeasurable love she held for her. _

_"C'mon!" Piper grabbed her by the wrist, and pulled her out of the chair. __Biting back a smile, Alex stood up and rolled her own pants up to her knees, falling into step beside her. _

_In the evening: all bright beach lights and soft atmospheric music, they drank sweet margaritas laden with all the sugar of the Caribbean and ate everything that was remotely exotic. Then they danced. One of those randomly-moving limbs, goofy dances that vaguely followed the beat. It was all toothy smiles and flushed cheeks and carefree laughter - frequently interrupted with warm, sloppy kisses._

_That evening, Piper had all but insisted that no beach vacation was complete without building a sandcastle. The pleasant buzz from the cocktails had made it acceptable for Alex to be seen kneeling in sand, building goddamn sandcastles...with multi-coloured buckets. Piper had somehow managed to get hold of a disposable camera and cheekily (and drunkenly) took snaps at every god given opportunity. The inability of Piper to keep still made made Alex question the photographic quality of them once they had been developed. She smiled to herself, already thinking of stowing the pictures of her sand-building throes somewhere unreachable._

_Alex just shook her head in response, endeared by Piper's giddy excitement. Excitement she quite clearly was unable to contain, made evident by the ear-to-ear grinning and sparkling of those blue eyes. __It struck Alex then – she would never ever grow tired of that carefree smile and it was a given that she would do anything in her power to try and preserve it._

_"Give me that thing." _

_Alex grabbed the camera off her and held it up, "Say cheese."_

_"Cheeeeeeeese!"_

_Six billion smiles in the world and Piper's was always Alex's favourite._

_._

_._

_._

They sat in silence for the rest of the evening.

Eventually Piper gently disengaged herself from Alex and nudged her, "Alex?"

Alex jerked upright, rubbing her eyes, "Yeah?"

Piper suppressed a sharp gasp at the unexpected sight of her. The angularity of her cheekbones, the dark circles shadowing her eyes, the dimmed life within them – she blankly realised Alex had never really fully recovered from that coma all those months ago.

Her mind felt scooped out hollow – memories then floated to the surface and hung in front of her – their first ever encounter in that operating room. Piper had looked toward the door, and through the scrubbing up window, she had seen her. Tall and dark, with tousled black hair. And gorgeous. She was gorgeous. Piper had never truly realised how out of place Alex had appeared; her movements were always so deft and purposeful, her expressions quietly questioning. It was what drew Piper to her in the first place. The natural charisma and easy charm so hard to resist. She flew through islands of memories, catching specks of them; a laugh there, a smile here. A wink. A touch. A kiss.

"Pipes?"

The memories crack there, falling apart. Piper closed her eyes, stiffly turning around and facing an alternative version of Alex, "We need to go."

Alex simply nodded.

Piper blocked out the heavy smell of alcohol coating Alex, "Give me your car-keys."

She watched Alex fumble with her trouser pocket - her movements slow and languorous. She was barely able to stand upright let alone perform anything that required the least degree of dexterity.

"Here let me."

After a few minutes Piper found them and stuffed them in her pockets. "I'm going to drive."

Alex absently nodded. Piper doubted she even took in what was being said. Piper glanced at the locked door, her hands hands began to sweat, already anticipating the journey to the basement parking lot. If they bumped into anyone they knew and saw Alex in her current intoxicated state…

Well, it didn't even bear thinking about.

* * *

They had reached the first floor of the building without anyone noticing them. Piper maintains an iron grip on Alex's hand, her fingers tightening around her wrist as she edged them toward the door of the stairwell that eventually lead out into the parking lot.

She _almost _allowed herself to lower her guard, the muscles tense underneath her white coat, the stethoscope wearing down on her like deadweight.

"Dr Vause?"

Piper's body stiffened in alarm, her stomach painfully cartwheeling when her mind clocked onto the familiarity of the voice.

She hesitantly turned around facing Fitzgerald; the medical director. In her peripheral vision she noticed Alex stumbling precariously before thankfully correcting her centre of gravity and lean against the wall for support, her body still swaying dangerously.

"Ah Dr Chapman, how are you doing? I was just on my way to find your supervisor. Tom's been looking all over-" He stopped addressing Piper, peering over her shoulders and noticing Alex for the first time," What the hell is wrong with you?"

Piper shoved her hands deep in her pockets, waiting for whatever's was coming their way, none of it good. His words were edged with disbelief, "Have you been drinking?"

Alex threw him a scornful look "How nice to see you too, Michael."

"What on earth is going on here?" He flicked his eyes between them before they finally rested on Piper.

"Ah now. Now you notice me, director." Alex's voice carried over behind her, "Where the _fuck_ have you been when I've been sending you emails begging to be reinstated? And don't say you've not seen them." Alex spat out in one long breath, her words slurred together like a wrecked train.

It was the first time Piper knew of this and swivelled around before the director did, she had always known Alex was super nonchalant about her limited duties at work, had always made it seem like it was no big deal, and Piper never pressed her about it, didn't want to be the one to remind her things weren't so fucking normal.

All she had wanted to do was rekindle their heat. Their passion. But how could she when her_ own_ insides were deluged with uncried tears? Like how was that even possible? She had always known Alex was fighting demons in an angry silence, always shrugging off Piper's pleads to open up, to admit weakness. But all Piper could think when Alex blanked her, pretended everything was crystal, was the hurt in not being allowed to fall apart herself. Was she fucking jealous? Piper flinched at the selfishness of her thoughts, feeling them disintegrate in a mushroom cloud of self-loathing.

"I think you need to go home, _Alex."_

"Not until you've answered...answered my questions, _director." _Alex countered, leaning heavily agains the wall, her eyes darkened behind her glasses.

Piper realised she had never seen Alex this drunk before. There had been a lot of faces Piper had never seen before on Alex but had witnessed them these past few months.

Fear blasts like a cold wind down Piper's spine as she pleadingly tugs at Alex's sleeve before trying to catch Fitzgerald's eyes, "Director, I don't think this is the best time for this. I'll take-"

Bewilderment flickered in his eyes, as he cut her off, "Just what is going on here?" He threw her a look, "Dr Chapman what are you doing here? You're supposed to have ended your shift hours ago."

"I was-"

She was stopped by Alex harshly shrugging off her death-grip before she took a few unsteady steps forward, "You haven't answered my questions." Her cheeks were stung red with anger, "Why have you not bothered answering my questions? My emails?" Alex pointed a finger at Fitzgerald, "The least you and the other suits could have done is giving me some leeway instead of pushing me to one side the _second _I wasn't up to your standard." Fitzgerald remains silent. "How much money did I bring into this _fucking_ place? Huh?" Alex's eyes were wide open, all reckless and wild, "Hundred? Two hundred? Five hundred thousand dollars...and what's my worth now?"

Fitzgerald just looked, "I don't know what you're talking about." He sighed heavily. "The board has come to the decision that due your on-going memory problems it would be deemed unsafe to fully release you back into your expected role-"

"Cut away with the bullshit corporate jargon. You know exactly what I'm talking. That _fucking_ night…" Alex flailed over her words, seemingly losing her momentum, stuttering before she spoke, her voice barely even a whisper as it caught on the last few words, "You know what I'm talking about."

Alex's voice was uncharacteristically soft and if it weren't for the fact Piper was stood right beside her, she would have missed the words.

Her face was a picture of pure anguish, it seemed to slowly crumple in on itself as if she was recalling an awful memory and was relieving through it step by step. Piper felt like she was watching it out play out right in front of her eyes. She had never seen Alex look so _ashen. _It suddenly dawned on Piper that this must run far deeper than just being shot at. This was falling from a pedestal and being unable to climb back onto it. This was being told your value had depreciated. This was being told you're no longer the same.

Fitzgerald's eyebrow twitched, the flash in his eyes revealed the words had hit a nerve. He straightened his jacket and renewed the grip on his briefcase.

"His voice was low when he spoke, tinged with understated sympathy, "I thought we had already worked through that? You have been doing so well.

"If that's what you tell yourself to help you sleep at night." Alex laughed and without even the faintest note of self-pity, muttered, "I don't remember the last time I had an actual full night of sleep."

"I think you need to go home and sober up. We'll speak of this in the morning."

Piper sidled forward, pushing Alex back - she had to attempt some damage control and save Alex's career – at least what was left of it. "Director, she hasn't come into contact with patients. She hasn't seen or treated anyone." She struggled to speak, falling over her words, "I found her in her office, and-" Her voice trailed off, "Things...things haven't been so great recently."

Piper didn't even know if her words were taking any effect, it felt like she was trying to clean a broken plate, the pointlessness of it not lost on her.

He ignored her pleads and instead fixed Alex with a piercing cold look, "Dr Vause."

Piper felt a cold sweep down her back and approached Fitzgerald in a last ditch attempt at whatever the fuck she was trying to stop, "Director, have you never had a bad day? Like a really, really bad day?"

He looked at her as if noticing her for the first time, "Not so bad that it made me drink senseless and compromise my role as a professional." His own words seemed to compound his growing anger, "Do you have any idea the damage you have near inflicted on the reputation of this hospital? Do you?"

Fitzgerald seldom showed emotion. He was a man who prided himself in remaining aloof and detached. He always referred to patients as clients, a figure of speech that made him seem disconcertingly cold. So the look of pure disdain he was sporting in that moment made Piper break out into a sweat, her skin mottled with dread; the crisis was spiralling out of her control.

"Dr Vause." He repeated. He kept using the title, making it sound like something disgusting instead, of a position Alex had worked for all her life. "I suggest you leave the hospital premises," He paused – his face etched with a reluctant sadness, " Before I have security escort you out."

Alex ran a shaky hand through her hair; a gesture Piper had witnessed more and more often these past few months. It had become a warning signal for Piper, it had become synonymous with emotional turmoil Alex had been finding increasingly difficult to contain.

"Alex, let's just go, please...please."

She couldn't afford the lid to fall off today. She just couldn't.

Piper collapsed with an almost childish relief when Alex wordlessly turned around and headed toward the stairwell, her expression unreadable.

Her earlier fury seemed to have disappeared, all in a single moment, like a fire blaze doused in cold water.

"Let's just go, Piper."

.

.

.

* * *

_AN: I hope that was somewhat of a decent-ish ending. This chapter was a lot of dialogue. I wanted to get a lot of the unsaid things between Piper &amp; Alex out into the open. I don't know if it seemed too much or too choppy, but hey, here it is anyway. _

_Love to know your thoughts x_


	23. Take the worst situation, make it worse

23\. Take the worst situation (and make it worse)

* * *

_AN: Sorry for the frankly ridiculous hiatus. Almost as long as the actual OITNB hiatus, which is also ridiculous. I go through odd bouts of inspiration where I can write large amounts in a small space of time, conversely, I could be sat in front of a computer for five hours and not write a single word. Anyway, enough of the pandering and grovelling, here's another chapter. Love you all, dearly. _

_(Flashbacks in italics)_

_._

_._

_._

_She left._

It had worked for a while.

But with each month that passed the cracks grew larger, deeper, wider. Just like the insidious chasms that appear along mountain walls or long stretches of road. The kind that develop slowly and out of sight. There was never any time nor warning when the road collapses and the mountain crumbles...you were just there left to pick up the pieces.

They _had_ tried. Tried to make it work.

Maybe not enough.

But how could anyone try to fix a car smashed beyond recognition? How could anyone try to rebuild a house destroyed by the hot embers of a forest fire? How could anyone try to replant a hundred year old tree felled by the winds of a ferocious hurricane?

How could they have pretended that it was ever going to work?

It had all been a stupid illusion. A canvas of broken lies.

Because really what had been needed was so painfully simple: delete the past, forget the present, and rewrite the future.

None of those things had happened.

A new car. A new house. A new tree.

She left.

_Piper had left._

.

.

.

The water was hot.

Burning and almost scalding her. But it_ wasn't _uncomfortable. Alex was numb to all sensations, numb from the inside out. She forced herself to remember the events from the last few months.

She always did that.

Piper finding her drunk in her office, Piper trying to help. Piper leaving.

Alex drowning herself in alcohol and anger.

The thing that kept haunting her ever since Piper had left - that kept her awake at night and troubled her through her weighted days - was that look of sincere sympathy. The way her head had slightly tilted to the side, giving Alex her complete and unbroken attention. Alex had always been torn between relishing in the sympathy, letting herself give over to it or retreat back to that _place._

That place void of emotion. That _place _that did not _want _sympathy. Did _not _want people's pity. Because surely? Surely that would mean she was not capable of living her life without the harness of sympathy to hold her up?

And why did Piper always do that? Why had she listened when Alex didn't talk. Why did she _care _when Alex had given her nothing?

Those looks of sympathy had been so bothersome.

Wasn't that the downfall of people who succumbed to that? Exposing your emotions for all to abuse and eventually run the risk of it being used against her. It had scared Alex. She'd never been one for overt emotion.

It's okay. Alex had long accepted that in addition to the destructive path she had taken, she seemed to function surprisingly well amongst the populace.

Even her mom had fallen for the magician's trick.

She had grown proficient at not letting her face betray the thoughts swirling inside her mind but it had been goddamn hard. Hard when Piper's almost sickeningly yearning look threatened to burn a hole through the brick wall she had erected around herself. The wall had started to crumble more with each successive encounter. It was no wonder she had to get out of there.

Get _out _before it completely collapsed and buried her underneath the rubble. Because buried she didn't know if she would ever be able to crawl out of it.

Alex turned the tap all the way. The stream of water so hot, it was almost scalding her. Blotches of raw and reddened skin appearing. At least it helped mask the throbbing in her leg and watered down the fiery ache burning across her shoulder.

Cambodia, Paris, Jakarta and Bali.

All the sights and sounds they had shared.

All that seemed like far-flung memories now.

Fuck her.

Fuck her.

She was too high on sympathy and longing, too wrapped up in this semblance of opening her heart up. Too fucking proud to admit she was falling apart. Too hurt for her leaving. Too resentful for not having stopped her.

.

.

.

_Sacrifice._

_It was such a revered act._

_So honourable._

_But nobody ever stopped to think of just how fucking selfish it really was._

_Her bags were stacked by the door. Packed and ready._

_Piper had spent the most part of the morning, packing her clothes and belongings into all of three bags. That was all it required to uproot everything and transport it three thousand miles away._

_Three bags._

_Alex had sat in front of the TV all evening - trying to drown out the sounds of Piper removing traces of herself from their apartment._

_"Alex, have you seen my iPod?"_

_"First drawer of the bedside table." Alex swallowed up a stream of acid suddenly shooting up. "...my side of the bed."_

_She had then got up, helped with the bags, and followed Piper out to the hallway, and had stood by the door, waiting._

_Alex had worked herself up to this moment, practiced it a thousand times over in her head. But the very last thing she's expecting is Piper closing the door again, suddenly turning around and grabbing her by the shoulders. _

_Unbalanced, she feels Piper lock lips with her and just for a brief second, Alex foolishly thinks Piper has changed her mind, but it was just a goodbye kiss. _

_It wasn't even the kind of kiss that spoke of warmth, nostalgia or longing but rather it felt forced. Obligatory. A kiss that was just part of an unwanted routine, reduced to nothing more than the mere action of touching lips. The insincerity of it stained Alex's lips._

_She could feel Piper's searching stare roam over her face, searching for that kink in her armour, for that one falter in her stony expression. Because surely this was all wrong and Alex should just laugh, relax her shoulders and beckon Piper back into the apartment? Because surely farewells were injected with more emotional warmth than this? But Alex forced her expressions to appear neutral and impassive, her arms tucked loosely by her sides, fists clenched. After all, it was for the best._

_"Have a safe trip." The words tumbled out in a hoarse, garbled fashion, barely even audible._

_Piper nods. And Alex had been scared of this. Not of the goodbye but not being able to trust her voice. For it not to come out scraped thin and betraying the impending tears that would follow. She hadn't realised the goodbyes would be so uneventful and that's what bothered her the most._

_"Thanks."_

_"Make sure you call when you get there."_

_"Will do."_

_"I-"_

_"What?"_

_"Make sure you call when you get there."_

_"Yeah."_

_"…."_

_"…"_

_"How long is the drive to the airport?" Alex asked, breaking the impenetrable silence._

_"A couple of hours if the traffic's not bad plus it is only noon so I'll avoid the evening rush hour. I'll probably get to the airport super early."_

_"Ok."_

_"I'll let you know if there are any major developments." _

_A wave of cold dislike snaked down her back, stifling all idle chatter. Alex could feel her face begin to bear an expression of something resembling annoyance. Before Alex knows it, she's already throwing a dart of accusation, "Nice of you to realise _now_ that I should know about any developments in your life that could affect me as well." _

_Piper stopped talking._

_Alex had just throws a bullseye. _

_She could see the hot, red shame burning Piper's cheeks and instead of the reaction making her feel triumphant, she just felt sad and despondent._

_Piper was still leaving._

.

.

.

The water was burning her now. Alex's skin felt like it was on fire. She tells herself that's _why _there are tears rolling down her face. That's _why _her legs feel so heavy and _exhausted _– feeling as though she was going to collapse imminently.

Alex did not know when that feeling would ever go away. The feeling of _hopelessness _and generally not giving a _fuck _about _things. _That feeling like the whole world was turning against you. It had worked at the beginning but now she was struggling to hold its weight and miseries up. Maybe, it _was_ all too much for one person.

.

.

.

Alex had told her to leave.

It was easier that way.

It had been her choice, her power, her say-so.

But Piper had left.

.

.

.

_"What?" Alex asked softly._

_"Nothing."_

_"You seem…scared."_

_"Scared?" Piper smiled weakly, "Just nervous." Alex thought she was going to broken in half by that smile. _

_Six billion smiles and Piper's had always been her favourite. _

_It still was. _

_It always would be._

_"Don't be." The softness of her voice was so inconsistent with the current silent turmoil she was in._

_Piper looked as though she wanted to cry._

_Alex was just silent._

_"Do we really have to do this?" _

_"Do what?"_

_"This."_

_"You do what you have to, I'll be fine." _

_"Alex..." She hesitates, "Say something."_

_"There's nothing to say." _

_She hadn't meant it maliciously it was simply the truth. _

_She was acutely aware of how repetitive this conversation really was, and so loosened the knot with a tentative smile, as if the simple act of it would make the whole thing seem less forced and scripted._

_Alex had let herself believe in it._

_Suddenly she felt Piper's body connect with her. For an alarming second, Alex hesitated, her body automatically tensing itself defensively. The inadvertent action jarred her before she eventually allowed Piper's arms to wrap themselves around her, her head resting in the nape of Piper's neck, her hair tickling her nose. That sweet scent, that softness and those gentle hands resting patiently on her back._

_It suddenly felt so false. So objectively phony. The arms now feeling as though they were suffocating her, like chains wrapped tight around. Alex jerked back, taking a hesitant step backward, just as she caught the confused surprise in those blue eyes._

_"Sorry. I was just uh – " Startled by her actions, Alex stammered in her explanation – the awkward silence hanging between like them like an uninvited third presence. _

_The moment was thankfully cut short by the honk from the taxi that had just arrived._

_"I guess that's my ride." Piper announced unnecessarily, "I won't forget to call." She hurriedly added, glancing at Alex whose mouth was all but a grim line, the eyes dimmed from within._

_"Sure."_

_Alex wasn't even sure whether she had heard her. _

_Suddenly she was presented with a vision of Piper turning around. Screaming, marching back into the apartment, dumping the suitcases and announcing she had changed her mind. __It had only appeared for a second, but that second had been more than enough._

_"I'll see you around?"_

_"Sure."_

_Alex could see her jaw clenching, her eyes squeezed shut._

_Even Alex was disturbed by her own monosyllabic answers. But there was something in Piper's voice that had alarm bells ringing. An edge that spoke of detachment. Distance, and all things Alex didn't really want to acknowledge._

_"Love you." Piper whispered, perversely hoping that such statement had no other alternative but to be reciprocated._

_"Sure."_

_Alex could crack open chests. Perform cardiac surgery with her eyes closed. Bring back patients whose hearts had stopped. Work ninety-six hours shifts and still intubate bleeding patients within minutes._

_But could she return that simple statement?_

_._

_._

_._

The water was like acid.

The drink hadn't helped.

All these months gone by and there was still no one there to stop her.

Alex was glad for that.

When she had gone back to work, she told herself that it was just what she'd need but what she hadn't bargained for was how quickly her determination would falter.

Four days. That's all she had managed.

Alex's head felt ready to crack open from the Fitzgerald's pleads of sympathy, when he'd realised that his best asset at Litchfield General Hospital had pressed the self-destruct button.

No amount of counselling and promises of bumper salaries and promotions had convinced the once talented cardiologist to ever return. Without fanfare Alex had given in her resignation letter, printing a generic template from the internet and signed it at the bottom.

.

.

.

_She's walking for miles. Leaving the skyline of Manhattan far behind. Alex doesn't take notice of the signs or the whirring of New York life buzzing past her. She's set on just walking. Her glasses are filling with condensation, the fumes from stationary rush hour traffic pushing the temperature dial to unbearable. But Alex doesn't feel it, if anything she quickened her pace. All she can hear is her breathing, taking comfort in the fact that as long as she's moving one foot in front of the other, she's not holding a drink in her hand. _

_Suddenly her phone starts ringing. Alex ignores it, but after six rings her resolve starts to waver. Like always, she lets it go to voicemail. _

_She pulls her phone out of her pocket, looks at the growing list of left voicemails. Alex listens to them sometimes. Her heart would stutter and spasm whenever she heard that voice._

_Open voicemail_

_**23rd February** "Alex, pick up the phone, I've been trying to call you on your cell but it's just going to voicemail. I'll call back tomorrow."_

_**24th February** "Hey...I promised I'll call back today but it's still just going voicemail? Is your phone working? Sorry, I'll try later, need to go... my parents are coming over. Call me when you get this."_

_**28th February** "Alex, can you pick up your calls? You're fucking scaring me. Call, when you get this."_

_**3rd April** "Can you at least reply to my texts?"_

_**16th June** "Alex, please...I just want to hear your voice."_

_It's a year or so later when she received another voicemail. She'd been on her usual early morning walk. Alex's feet had already started to ache, her blistered feet sending off sparks of pain, sweat trickling down her back. _

_This time she doesn't even listen. _

_She drops it over the flyover bridge, where it splinters against the concrete ground, shattering into a thousand pieces. _

_Fuck her._

_Alex waits for the feeling of freedom to engulf her, to finally become untethered by the one last piece of connection she had to Piper, but it doesn't. _

_Piper had left. And it still hurt. _

.

.

.

Alex looks out of the window, the sky an inky blue, free of clouds, and the moon sits full and heavy above the horizon. The bathroom is thrown into a gloomy haze. The darkness had already descended.

Another day over.

Her body suddenly feels unbearably heavy, and her mind is careening between half-sleep and fear and longing.

Her knees decided then not to support her weight anymore, and Alex let herself slide down onto the wet floor. She pulled her knees to her chest, closing her eyes as the water beat down on her breasts and face. She bent her head forward, feeling like a ragdoll. The water pummelled the top of her head, bruised the back of her neck, but she did not care. Her body did not belong to her anymore.

She was empty. She could not think of what had meaning in her life anymore. Not her apartment. Not her job. She scoffed at the thought of her job offering her meaning – remembering how she had been practically gushing on what an amazing and brilliant career medicine was to the impressionable medical students that had been assigned to her rotation. Their naïve puppy eyes lapping up everything she'd been telling them as gospel. How extraordinarily trusting people were. How _gullible._

_._

_._

_._

_Piper silently picks up her suitcases and headed towards the taxi, the walk grotesquely long. Her legs shaking uncontrollably, no part of her body escaping the pain destroying everything in its wake. A fucking truck trampling over everything until all it left behind was utter devastation._

_Once in the car, Piper turns her gaze toward the apartment. Alex had already gone, the door already closed. She hadn't even spared a second for that final goodbye. The hurt of that overrode everything. The car began to roll forwards and it wasn't until they had been driving for several hours - that she desperately asked the driver to stop at the side of the road. Seconds later, she stumbled out, the ground rippling beneath her._

_Piper doubles over, the contents of her stomach emptied, her legs shaking, her arms shaking, her entire body shaking. Her insides felt so vacant, it was as if her stomach had turned in on itself and had turned concave._

_Back in the car, she leans her head against the window, looking out but not focussing on anything in particular - the scenery whirring by in blurs of green and blue._

_She finds herself tapping out the letters of 'sure' on the window all the way to the airport; only stopping when the car jolts to a halt._

_Confused, she looks up, they were already parked in front of the airport. Had it already been a few hours?_

_A throbbing pain, momentarily distracts her and she stares down at her hands; a cuticle of skin at the tip of her finger had come away, a bright red streak of blood oozed from the spot. She just kept staring at the steady, slow crimson trickle, the pain somehow soothing. She felt tears well into her eyes and bit her lip so hard that the tears fell from pain instead of grief._

_"Ma-am? We're here."_

_._

_._

_._

The water started to run cold; the spray pricking at her skin. Alex turned off the shower and dried herself with a towel, feeling as though she was just going through the motions. Her body still felt contaminated despite having spent the majority of her evening under the shower. After getting dressed, Alex took the kitchen, pouring herself a glass of water. She caught sight of the ever-growing collection of empty alcohol bottles taking up more and more space as time went on. She should throw those out, if only to rid herself of that image, the visual too indicative of things being not right.

.

.

.

_The front door closes with a resounding thud. Alex leans heavily against the door, finally allowing herself to become undone. All the pent-up heartache tumbling out, drowning her in it. A silence that is as alien as the lack of Piper in her apartment takes over. Suddenly mindful of the solitariness - her legs buckle and it hits her with a physical force._

_She can imagine her hurt, confused at her lack of the final bye, but Alex had tried to remain unemotional. Attempted to remain stoic but it had been so fucking hard when she caught the utter devastation on Piper's face. And when she had lifted her face to be harshly greeted by the sight of blue eyes wet with unshed tears it had nearly unstitched her at the seams. Like a mantra the phrase 'It was for the best ' was looping itself around her head in an endless circle. But it did nothing at staving off the liquid darkness swallowing the words up one by one._

_A sob filled the room._

_Hers._

_Alex had never heard such grief in her life. The sound itself was more frightening than what was currently happening. Or happened?_

_Was it already too early for the past tense?_

.

.

.

The women had come and been.

Fuck her.

Piper had a free reign to life.

_Alex_ had a free reign to _her_ life.

She had built herself a timetable amongst the chaos. The seasons whirred by, the leaves turning orange, red, brown, green, and then turning orange again.

The days of the week were also neatly ordered and arranged:

Monday, it was the Scotch.

Tuesday was the whiskey

Wednesday was blurred.

Thursday and Friday, empty.

Saturday was the comfort of another human.

Fuck her.

Three drinks. A few choice words at the guileless woman who struck up conversation with Alex at the bar. A taxi ride. A fumble of keys and forget.

Saturday was the comfort of another human.

Alex felt the girl gently nestle her hand into hers.

She could feel herself becoming completely still.

The hold felt so soft and tangible. Alex felt her circle her thumb over her palm, tracing lazy circles and muttering stupid innocuous remarks.

Alex could hear the intake of her every breath, every beat of her heart pounding in her ears, it felt as though her senses were heightened to a point where they could go no further. She was surprised to feel the girl's fingers lightly stroking her hair. She closed her eyes as they traced her cheekbones and lips.

It was so goddamn comforting. So goddamn _healing. _Alex thought she would cry from the incalculable need for this. Whatever _this _exactly was and exactly meant. In that same sweeping thought, a small part of her knew Alex was nothing more than a vessel. She was here to sate an urge. This stupid faceless girl who had made her laugh and act like a human being for all of a few hours, who had whispered phrases of affection in her ear all night. She was nothing more than a finger that wiped away that itch.

But her hand was so warm, and Alex didn't think she could garner enough of it. Like she needed that warmth to melt the icy cold within her. The girl seemed to sense that because she put both of her hands over Alex's, finger to finger. She tilts her head, willing and lightly brushed her lips over her neck. Alex did not move. Thinking if she let go, that ever-approaching tide of despair and loneliness would finally drag her with it and drown her. There was an underlying desperation, an almost begging quality that would have buckled her knees had she been standing.

"Just hold me…please."

Alex hadn't even realised she had uttered the words, until she felt the girl close the gap between them in response, sensing her arms wrap around her, feeling as though she finally found that safety blanket she so craved for. If the girl could see in the dark and look up now, she'd see Alex holding the same expression as a person who'd been saved from a rapidly sinking ship.

The thing is Alex isn't even remotely attracted to to these women. Isn't even slightly enamoured by their looks.

Rather, it boiled down to simple reason: it was the comfort of _someone. Relishing under that human touch. _Not _her._ She wasn't here. Fuck her. This wasn't about _her._ No, not at all. It was all about fulfilling that need. A need which seemed to grow and grow as the days grew heavier and weighted. Whichever way Alex looked at it – it was still selfish and self-centred and entirely self-serving.

Fuelled by that selfish want monopolising her thoughts; Alex pushed herself against the girl, letting herself melt into her embrace. She shut her eyes, allowing her hands and body to do all the work. As if that somehow made the act less _bad. _As long as she was not looking it wasn't really her doing. It had worked all those other occasions before.

"Alex?"

Those lips. Supple and soft. And her neck, pale like porcelain. It dawned on Alex; the girl with the blonde hair and blue eyes and trusting expression, bore striking similarities to her.

Piper

Suddenly an image floods Alex.

It strikes almost violently, rising up from the emptiness. _She-Piper _is speaking, her lips moving soundlessly. A smile lighting up her entire face. Stricken, Alex shakes her head, sweat blooms on her skin and it feels as though her chest is splitting open. Wrought with confused panic, she buries her hands into girl's hair, fumbling wildly with the buttons of her shirt, practically ripping the thing off. She twists out of her jeans, throwing them onto the floor, and roughly drapes herself over her. Alex ignores the trembling of her hands, ignores the blurring of her peripheral vision – instead pressing her lips against the girl's, tracing chaotic kisses over her collarbone, her nape, her chest.

"Hey?"

_What did she fucking want?_

"What?" It came out more aggressive than she intended to.

"Slow down. You're going too fast."

Alex gritted her teeth together, suppressing the urge to tell her to shut the fuck up and just get on with it.

Alex could see her outline in the dark, she was glad they couldn't see each other's faces. It made her feel less exposed. She hears the girl laugh uneasily, and for a second Alex thinks she's changed her mind and has had enough. Alex panics more than she expects, momentarily ashamed of her vulnerability.

But then the faceless woman leans forward, and pulled her closer, there was no mistaking her intention. Relieved, Alex throws herself into the heat. Their lips bumping clumsily together, their foreheads colliding against one another. Alex feels the girl's knees pressing between her legs, but that familiar, expected arousal doesn't come – she shifts her weight to get closer – but again nothing. Alex grazes her teeth over her neck, biting skin, trying to push her body closer and closer.

There just wasn't enough force. Not enough intensity. It just didn't feel the _same. _That thought again, niggling away at her.

Alex could hear the hysterical demands echoing in her head, the words bouncing off each other.

_No, you're supposed to kiss me like this. Your hands on me are supposed to feel like that. The taste of your lips should be like this. The feel of your skin to be like that. Like this, like so. Exactly like that._

_Like __hers_

Alex was just too wrapped up in her own version of _her, _basking in the thinly veiled falseness of it. She pressed her lips harder and faster, to the point where their teeth clashed against one another, only slowing down when she felt the girl roughly pull back. Alex tried to ignore and block out the unfamiliarity of those lips as she desperately sought contact again. But the blanket of delusion didn't stretch far enough, didn't cover the ever-growing holes that began appearing - holes where the _fucking _truth shone through and people like Piper filled them.

Holes just too big to jump over.

Everything suddenly felt wrong. Like pieces of a puzzle that didn't quite fit, no matter which way she turned them.

"Alex?"

Her voice. So different.

Scratch that, the whole fucking set was wrong.

As if on cue, another shard of memory appears, shimmering in the darkness. Alex shuts her eyes, driving her clamped fists into her eye-sockets, trying to rub the memory of her away.

The apartment noises drown out as she feels her insides clench together, fighting the overwhelming urge to be sick.

"Take your clothes off." Alex hears herself say, her tone barely even.

"Huh?' Faceless woman looked up, confused.

"I _said _take your clothes off." She repeated, an impatient annoyance creeping into her words.

She pulls away from Alex, sitting up straight, covering herself back up, 'What's wrong with you?"

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"You're acting weird, and-"

Alex climbs off the sofa, suddenly pissed, "I thought you wanted me. Isn't that what you said at the bar?" She laughed lifelessly. "You wanted to experiment, so what the fuck has changed?"

The woman shook her head, hesitation and regret competing for space across her face, "I think...I think we should stop."

Alex narrowed her eyes, a hot pain was leaching into the back of her eyes, causing everything she looked at - have a tinge of red around it. "What? Just as the fun begins?"

"I don't really think this has been a good idea."

These women had never been a good idea.

Piper had left.

But fuck her.

Saturday was _always_ the comfort of another human.

Sunday didn't exist.

Turn the calendar page and start again.

.

.

.

_Piper crammed her knuckles in her mouth to keep herself from audibly crying. The lady seated beside her in the airplane had by now realised that she should stop trying to strike conversation with her. After all Piper was the only one participating in this nightmare happening at 40,000 feet up._

_It was an exclusive club - select members only._

_A cold perspiration ran down her back. Her throat raw from the screams struggling to escape, scraping at the back of her throat._

_She had to get up. Now. She fumbled desperately with the seatbelt, "Sorry, can I get past." The request barely audible._

_The lady with the warm and friendly eyes immediately stood up, intent on letting her through, "Sure."_

_Piper froze in place. It took a moment for the word to sink in._

_Love you_

_Sure_

_So dreadfully wrong._

_._

_._

_._

* * *

_AN: You all deserve a medal. Sincere thanks for still persevering. _


End file.
